Husband’s disability and parenting

[Wife2b]

Husband has ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it’s a chronic illness and he is registered as disabled. His ME/CFS involves exhaustion on his part, lots of napping during the day/after work when he finishes at 4.

We had a baby recently, I am on maternity leave and he is working full-time from home. Pre-baby we would nap after work, eat dinner at 9pm and go to bed at midnight. He hasn’t shifted his sleeping pattern since baby has been born, whereas I no longer nap and go to bed at 8:30/9:30 when baby does. We are like passing ships.

Since baby has been born, we have been very fortunate to have a family member stay to help with caesarean recovery, laundry etc. Family member has now gone home and honestly I’m finding it lonely and difficult to get things done as baby needs constant entertainment as she’ll cry if I put her down.

Today I told husband that I’m struggling doing everything (looking after baby, laundry, dishes, bottles etc) and asked if he could start helping out. I do all the night feeds, the laundry, etc. Only thing I ask is for him to be around and not constantly in bed so I can hand baby to him so I can do the dishwasher/bottles/tidy/shower etc and so he can have some 1:1 with baby. I do all the feeds, nappy changing, dressing, bathing etc.

He says I’m being unreasonable because I knew he had a chronic health condition before planning a baby with him. He said other single mum’s manage and he doesn’t understand why I can’t. My views are that his condition does not remove his responsibility as a father and therefore me asking him to help out periodically is not unreasonable. I’m back to my full time job soon and expect things will be tougher.

I should also say that he loves our baby so much and is great at interacting etc. He’s also having a tough time at work at the moment and is struggling with anxiety as a result. He’s a good man, there is no LTB etc.

AIBU?

Do you work, @HamsterBanana ? That’s really impressive.

I have a chronic illness. I work 20 hours a week and do very little else- no nights out, hobbies, just health related stuff- exercise, slimming world- and church.

I couldn’t manage a baby/toddler anymore.

I’m on the fence- I think you need a problem solving conversation with him. Not telling him he needs to do x y z, but working out some solutions together.

Thing is, right now you also have limitations as a new, exhausted mum. That’s a problem for all three of you!

Well I think you were being very U to have a baby with someone who has a chronic debilitating illness. He clearly maxes out his energy levels just working, why did you think this would change with a baby?

I don’t manage!

I have a cleaner/house keeper

I send my laundry out.

I haven’t worked in a decade.

Basically if it can’t be outsourced, my wife does it- I home Ed our son (he has special needs), I use all my energy for that (and even with that we have tutors come to the house, my dad does half the driving for his special school he goes to one day a week, and between my dad and my wife they take him to all his hobbies and groups). I do lessons at home with him and manage his medication, doctors appointments and that sort of stuff.

On a good week I tidy up and push a hoover around the living room etc, on a bad week I can’t feed or wash myself!

M.E can be a totally debilitating illness.

This.

I am going to sound horrible here but what is he doing from 9pm onwards? If he can work and be awake for various times at home he can help out in one form or another.

To turn his single parent thing on its head - If he lived on his own he would have to do his own housework / laundry whatever else - or get help in. So how is he going to do that share of it here?

I have complex disabilities- lupus, asthma, pituitary issues all sorts. I’m on the highest rates of PIP long term. We have a disabled child with complex autism who attends specialist school. My dh works full time. I do a lot of the care for Ds and as much housework as I can manage. I do rest in between but if I don’t do it no one else will. It’s hard but it’s just life.

I know you said no LTB but I genuinely would. He’s saying you’re a single mum, you would be better off with just having your baby to look after.

Agreed

Start leaving the baby in the living room with him when he wakes from his naps - he can be responsible for the baby 8-12 and do any wakes they have and bring the baby upstairs then. And while he up those hours anyways he can do a round of laundry or a round of dishes.

Do you work?

Thanks all, I appreciate your input.

We did discuss things prior to pregnancy and during but I suppose the reality is very different.

He is fortunate in that his ME is as mild as can be eg he can work full-time, meet his personal needs etc. But then some days he can sleep until 5pm.

In the past he has had some bad habits eg drinking energy drinks, staying up all night to catch up on work. These are things he has stopped doing. He finishes work at 4 then sleeps until 9pm. I often wake in the early hours to find him playing on his phone as he can’t sleep.

I suppose my frustration can come from him being selective about what he can manage. Eg he has just said he is off to the football match tomorrow - that will have him away from the house for about 8 hours as it’s not local. Then he’ll come back and be exhausted. I suppose I am missing him spending time with me and not having anyone close, I am lonely.

I should also say I have no issue with him going to the match, a drink with friends etc as he deserves to have a life and do the things he enjoys (he has already given up golf, squash and football) since being diagnosed so I do feel for him losing a sense of who he is.

That isn’t how disability works. If you take someone’s wheelchair away do you think they just get up and walk?

Obviously not, but the OP says his ME is mild, and that he is up and awake evenings til midnight, so baby can stay with him.

He can get himself out to do the things he wants to do. He can feed his baby.

Ask him to shorten his nap so say sleeping 4-5 then having dinner together and he can then sleep later say at 9

That’s a different issue then- if he is prioritising using his spare energy on going on a jolly instead of helping hou and spending time with the baby then that’s a problem with his attitude.

(unless you have a lot of nights out etc while someone else has the baby, but expect him to only work and help you? But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case)

The fact that he’s working FT should be taken into account.
And his condition means he does have good and bad days but I do feel your frustration.

I know someone with the same condition and they definitely use it to their advantage.
They can’t send an email but they can go out and party all night.

Him having this condition doesn’t mean he can’t do the washing up though or if he’s struggling to stand at times, he could entertain the baby and do the feeds and nappy changes etc whilst you are doing the housework.

There are many people with disabilities that find a way to parent their child and don’t use it as an excuse to do nothing.

Yes- your comment was before the op’s had been posted so I didn’t know he manages to have energy for football but not for her. You will see I have adjusted my opinion now.

I'm sorry op.but I say bull to him, reason being I have FND which is a disability which makes.it so hard to do anything like walking or sitting due to extreme pain and being tired all the time. I'm also a single mum to three kids and you get on with it as you have to he could do these things but hes using his disability as an excuse which shouldn't be on especially with a new baby

You need to have a long honest and probably really difficult conversation about his priorities. ME is really debilitating and I think a lot of posters on here are being really unfair.
BUT
with any condition that involves chronic fatigue you have to prioritise and pace. The "spoons" theory can help with this. Your DH has to accept he needs to make changes now he's a dad. It will mean son difficult choices about how he spends his energy but it's what needs to happen.
You're right that leisure time is important so great he can go to football and spend time with friends. But everything needs to be a balance so be can participate in family life and parenting too.

What a joke! How on earth is this man a "good man and father". You've just very clearly described the exact opposite.

He expects you to be a single mum so honestly? Get rid of the dead weight and your life will be easier.

A good man and father does his share. If you had a disability, I can bet you'd still be expected to do the majority of everything.

How disabled are we talking? Can't move from the neck down?

Honestly I think you're a mug. Why are you even complaining when you excuse his behaviour at the end of your rant?

Wake up woman! You're being groomed into a servant with benefits.

YOU. ARE. A. MUG

He can play golf/ squash and football but can't mind his child and help around the house? Sounds like his condition is only an issue when it suits him.

How active was he before baby?

It does sound like he can pick and choose when his ME affects him. He can manage a football match but can't look after the baby for half an hour. He also sees you as a single mum. Maybe you would be better as one.

Do you have any hobbies OP?

So when do you get to go to a match (or whatever you enjoy), a drink with friends, etc? Do you deserve to have a life, OP?

Your DH is completely taking the piss. If he can work FT and go to a football match, then he can reorganise his priorities and help you out a bit.