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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was an overreaction about a washing machine?

53 replies

downstairsflat · 15/12/2023 00:08

DP asked me to put the washing machine on this evening. I was sitting on the sofa 20 mins after getting home from work. It was about 10.30pm and I agreed to put it on.

DP asked 10 mins later if I’d put the washing machine on. I said not yet but that I would. DP said “could you do it now? I don’t want you to forget and I want to know it’s on before I go to bed” (partly fair enough because sometimes I do, totally inadvertently, forget to do things I meant to. But I’m sure DP does this too occasionally as we’re all human). I didn’t want to cause more annoyance so got up for the snack I’d been intending to have and I put the machine on.

10 mins after that I hear DP shriek from the utility room, “what the heck?! Why is the washing machine on for two hours?”
I replied, “because I put it on”. DP then exclaimed that it didn’t need to be on that long unless it’s really dirty, that it will wreck the clothes and that they only ever do the 30 min quick wash.

I said “it’s just the length of the 40° washing machine cycle. Just because I do it differently to you doesn’t mean it’s wrong”. From my voice you could tell I was upset (I wasn’t angry or cheeky, I was emotional).

AIBU to feel hurt by this? It felt like DP was telling me off for doing what they’d asked me to do. Like I’m not capable of deciding how I want to put the washing machine on. I felt undermined. And that there was no need for such a shocked reaction over something minor.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 00:11

Am I missing something? Why couldn't your partner put the wash on? Are their legs broken?

SkaneTos · 15/12/2023 00:11

I am confused. Why could your DP not put the washing machine on themself?
Or did I not read it properly?

SM4713 · 15/12/2023 00:14

I agree with others, why did your partner constantly ask YOU to turn the washing machine on? If they aren't familiar with it- surely there is a manual they could read??? Why didn't you tell them to turn it on themselves? 😕

Original poster
downstairsflat · 15/12/2023 00:18

I think DP asked me to do it because I had put some of my clothes in it after work, however I didn’t put it on of my own accord at that point as it wasn’t full yet. But DP asked when I was sitting on the sofa if it was on, and when I said, “no because it wasn’t full yet”, they asked me to put it on anyway (which was the point my OP started from)

OP posts:
LardoBurrows · 15/12/2023 00:19

So your partner went into the utility room to check whether you had put the washing machine on and then berated you for the washing cycle and temperature you chose. Why didn't he just do it himself?

JellyIegs · 15/12/2023 00:21

DP should put the washing on themself and stop being such a fussfart

Lifelessonstoremember · 15/12/2023 00:23

He sounds unpleasantly controlling.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 00:23

downstairsflat · 15/12/2023 00:18

I think DP asked me to do it because I had put some of my clothes in it after work, however I didn’t put it on of my own accord at that point as it wasn’t full yet. But DP asked when I was sitting on the sofa if it was on, and when I said, “no because it wasn’t full yet”, they asked me to put it on anyway (which was the point my OP started from)

Then they should have pulled their thumb out and put it on themselves.

SkaneTos · 15/12/2023 00:23

OK, thank you for the update, OP.

I don't know.
I still think your DP could have put the washing machine on themself, if it was so very important to them, and it had to be done in a particular way.

Britneyfan · 15/12/2023 00:24

This sounds like possible domestic abuse to me as someone who was formerly a victim.

Your partner has 1. Made it clear they regard laundry as “women’s work” (it’s your job so they won’t switch the machine on themselves) 2. Reminded you of your “flaws” - you’re so forgetful! 3. Stopped you from relaxing and enjoying yourself/controlled what you are doing/made yourself do something for them instead 4. Used “crazymaking” tactics to make you feel like you’re losing your mind and maybe you don’t know how to do a simple thing like use the washing machine (you’re totally right it’s fine for clothes to be washed for 2 hours).

You are totally right, this was an overreaction/abnormal reaction, you’re being undermined, do not ignore your gut.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/12/2023 00:24

Totally as an aside I hope you are in a detached or the utility room is nowhere near neighbours. I would be pissed off if I can hear a washing machine on for two hours at that time of night

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2023 00:25

They sound like a bossy bully.

Wishitsnows · 15/12/2023 00:27

So your DH kept going into the utility room to check if the washing was on but was completely incapable of pressing a button? Does he not have arms or hands? I can’t see what his issue was.

Frabbits · 15/12/2023 00:28

Your DH sounds like an arsehole.

comfyoldcardi · 15/12/2023 00:33

It all sounds controlling and dysfunctional to me. Is your partner controlling about other things OP?

MercanDede · 15/12/2023 00:38

I don’t know this is a snapshot. I’d need to know more history.

DP could be male or female, but they also do washing as they said they only ever use the 30min quick wash. So it doesn’t seem to be a case of DP thinking laundry is “womens work” or even “OP’s job” to do all laundry.

The clothes were OP’s and they’d put them in the washing machine already.

Does the DP usually do the laundry? And was OP putting their clothes in the machine a “hint” to the DP to do their laundry so DP was asking them to just wash their clothes tonight to avoid doing all the laundry?

Was OP putting it on 40C and 2hrs weaponised incompetence?

Or

Was the whole scenario a lazy DP who doesn’t pull their weight and exoects OP to run around doing all the chores after a long day at work while they tuck into bed? And OP putting the machine on 40C at two hours a middle finger gesture of defiance?

It’s just a snapshot in time. What is the rest of the puzzle?

Skimm · 15/12/2023 00:39

I think OP is a man and DP is a women.

DP is fed up of dirty washing sitting in the machine for days without being clean and doesn't like the expectation of always having to work the machine.

Birdcar · 15/12/2023 00:40

You're both overreacting to a fairly mundane conversation.

MercanDede · 15/12/2023 00:40

Skimm · 15/12/2023 00:39

I think OP is a man and DP is a women.

DP is fed up of dirty washing sitting in the machine for days without being clean and doesn't like the expectation of always having to work the machine.

That thought crossed my mind. There is more to this.

TooFondOfBooks · 15/12/2023 00:41

Your DP was being very unreasonable.

As a PP said, putting the washing machine on at that time, unless you live in a lovely detached house, is very antisocial. Wherever you live, it’s hugely ecologically (& indeed financially) unsound to do a wash for only a couple of things.

Unless there’s some mad backstory about you never doing laundry despite them being a paraplegic & it’s becoming a point of friction with their PA because they’re not meant to do laundry (or something along those lines, anyway); the very obvious question is “why the hell didn’t your ‘D’P put the wash on if it meant so much to them?!”

As PP have said, this kind of behaviour is abusive. Please look after yourself OP.

Queucumber · 15/12/2023 00:45

You store dirty clothes in the washing machine? Don’t you have a laundry basket?

Klone · 15/12/2023 00:48

There's so much context missing here. Plus assumptions pp are making about the gender of either party don't help.

In our house, I'm the main owner of clothes washing tasks but dp also puts on a wash about once a week. I have been guilty of expecting them to know exactly when and what type of wash usually fit into the weekly cycle, and getting annoyed if they do it 'wrong'. I've learned to be more relaxed. I've realised it's not fair to expect anyone to absorb the specifics of a task if they don't do it regularly themselves. If the task is shared, that's fair enough. But if it's primarily owned by one person then the other person can't be expected to meet any specific expectations.

All that to say your partner appears to be unreasonable to expect you to manage a load of washing the way they want it to be managed. Unless you've had repeated, detailed discussions about the specifics, or if your way is actively damaging something.

Skimm · 15/12/2023 00:49

The thing is who is staying awake to put the washing in the tumble after the load?

theconfidenceofwho · 15/12/2023 00:54

Skimm · 15/12/2023 00:39

I think OP is a man and DP is a women.

DP is fed up of dirty washing sitting in the machine for days without being clean and doesn't like the expectation of always having to work the machine.

I thought similar - seems like there is more going on here.

If this truly is the whole picture, then it does sound OTT on your partners behalf.

stepintochristmas1 · 15/12/2023 00:55

Wasn't DP waiting for OP to put their dirty clothes so that the washing machine could be put on . Then when the OP did they chose the longest programme on the machine (possibly). Were you annoyed at DP so chose the longest programme ?