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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was an overreaction about a washing machine?

53 replies

downstairsflat · 15/12/2023 00:08

DP asked me to put the washing machine on this evening. I was sitting on the sofa 20 mins after getting home from work. It was about 10.30pm and I agreed to put it on.

DP asked 10 mins later if I’d put the washing machine on. I said not yet but that I would. DP said “could you do it now? I don’t want you to forget and I want to know it’s on before I go to bed” (partly fair enough because sometimes I do, totally inadvertently, forget to do things I meant to. But I’m sure DP does this too occasionally as we’re all human). I didn’t want to cause more annoyance so got up for the snack I’d been intending to have and I put the machine on.

10 mins after that I hear DP shriek from the utility room, “what the heck?! Why is the washing machine on for two hours?”
I replied, “because I put it on”. DP then exclaimed that it didn’t need to be on that long unless it’s really dirty, that it will wreck the clothes and that they only ever do the 30 min quick wash.

I said “it’s just the length of the 40° washing machine cycle. Just because I do it differently to you doesn’t mean it’s wrong”. From my voice you could tell I was upset (I wasn’t angry or cheeky, I was emotional).

AIBU to feel hurt by this? It felt like DP was telling me off for doing what they’d asked me to do. Like I’m not capable of deciding how I want to put the washing machine on. I felt undermined. And that there was no need for such a shocked reaction over something minor.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 15/12/2023 01:02

YANBU, they were mainly your clothes and you get to decide how to wash them. Depending on how dirty they were, a 40 degree wash is perfectly fine. 30 minutes quick wash is for more of a freshen up.

I assume DP is a he, he sounds quite controlling.

However, I also wouldn’t like it if partner left clothes in the washing machine waiting for it to fill up. Just wait for a full load and then load the machine.

MercanDede · 15/12/2023 01:14

Just leaving dirty clothes in the washing machine is the bestest and fastest way to get a washing machine with mildew and that adds a potato sack pong scent to your washing.

Bambooshoot · 15/12/2023 01:40

I hope you don’t have neighbours - a spin cycle at midnight would not be appreciated!

I would have left the whole wash till the morning, if it wasn’t full and was your stuff (not urgently needed for the next day) why all the rush and angst from your partner?

crumblingschools · 15/12/2023 01:53

@Skimm no-one should be running the tumble dryer at night, once everyone is in bed. It also isn’t advised to run washing machines then either.

LittleGreenDragons · 15/12/2023 02:09

I think DP asked me to do it because I had put some of my clothes in it after work, however I didn’t put it on of my own accord at that point as it wasn’t full yet

That would seriously piss me off. If you are going to put dirty clothes in the machine then you don't ignore it. Either put the washer on, or get more clothes to make a load and put it on. Don't use it as a laundry basket.

Catsmere · 15/12/2023 02:22

Who except shift workers puts washing on at 10.30 pm?

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 15/12/2023 02:26

crumblingschools · 15/12/2023 01:53

@Skimm no-one should be running the tumble dryer at night, once everyone is in bed. It also isn’t advised to run washing machines then either.

We don't run ours while sleeping. Absolutely no.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/12/2023 02:28

downstairsflat · 15/12/2023 00:18

I think DP asked me to do it because I had put some of my clothes in it after work, however I didn’t put it on of my own accord at that point as it wasn’t full yet. But DP asked when I was sitting on the sofa if it was on, and when I said, “no because it wasn’t full yet”, they asked me to put it on anyway (which was the point my OP started from)

And he couldn't put it on himself then because...?

He is BVU.

comfyoldcardi · 15/12/2023 04:02

The only thing that would annoy me, whoever did it, would be chucking dirty clothes into the washing machine and leaving them. We have a system of laundry baskets in our house. These are taken to the machine when required and used to transport the clean washing back to where it belongs. So one basket in each bedroom and one in the bathroom. Kitchen towels etc are added to the hot wash as required. The machine isn't the place to just leave dirty washing, so if that was your intention OP, I can understand the resentment.

Copperoliverbear · 15/12/2023 04:31

If your partner is that fussy about the washing machine they should do it themselves, I can see the point of the two hours at 10:30 in the evening not wanting to wait until 12:30 for it to finish, but again do it yourself or ask for a quick wash
Im very fussy about loading the dishwasher, so my husband empties and I load, so I feel he's not left everything to me and I load it how I like it and rinse it properly. X

CatMadam · 15/12/2023 04:35

They should have done it themselves if they’re precious about laundry- I am, so I do all the household laundry! However, you shouldn’t put the washing machine on if you’re going to bed, it
could go on fire.

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 15/12/2023 04:48

Why does he care about the washing machine, what is he getting out of this whole conversation? I get it that people have different systems for getting the laundry done, but what is his problem?
The whole things is nuts; from him starting such a ridiculous demand, to you getting up and acquiescing to it.

MilkChocolateCookie · 15/12/2023 05:04

YANBU. The person putting the washing on gets to choose which cycle. Your DP seems to be unnecessarily critical of you.

Sparklfairy · 15/12/2023 05:16

Does anyone else think it strange that after nagging OP for ages to put it on... once its running, THEN DP goes running in to tell OP they've done it wrong!?

pinkdelight · 15/12/2023 05:38

Surprised everyone's so fussy about laundry idling in the machine waiting until it's full. We do that all the time if it's more convenient than the linen basket. Never crossed my mind to give a monkeys about it. It's all gonna get washed in a day or two so what's the harm? Not talking shit covered pants btw, just normal clothes.

LemonJeIIy · 15/12/2023 05:47

@downstairsflat
Come back, we need answers!

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2023 06:00

Skimm · 15/12/2023 00:39

I think OP is a man and DP is a women.

DP is fed up of dirty washing sitting in the machine for days without being clean and doesn't like the expectation of always having to work the machine.

OP already explained it wasn't full

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 07:25

The sexes don’t matter here.

Either one partner is bossy and treats the other partner like a child.

Or one partner acts like a child and needs to be told to wash their own clothes.

Of course DP could have put the washing machine on but why should they wash the clothes of a grown adult who is capable of doing it themselves.

Either way OP is BU because putting a washing machine on for 2 hours at 10:30pm is just ridiculous.

There is a saying on MN which I can’t remember, where a person does a poor job of something so their partner ends up doing it themselves in the future.

I imagine this is what’s happening here.

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 07:33

Sparklfairy · 15/12/2023 05:16

Does anyone else think it strange that after nagging OP for ages to put it on... once its running, THEN DP goes running in to tell OP they've done it wrong!?

No I think DP sounds like they’re being an idiot intentionally.

If my DH needed to wash his clothes and it got to 10:30pm, I’d also be telling him to hurry up and do it because I wouldn’t want the washing machine running whilst I was trying to sleep.

If he then decided to have it running at midnight I would definitely nag at him.

It wouldn’t be fair to me or the neighbours having a washing machine running at midnight.

Strictlymad · 15/12/2023 07:36

I think you are both unreasonable. Washing machines should not be running at night- think neighbours and not safe fire wise. It’s not a laundry basket for a half load not ready yet that would annoy me. But if dp wanted a specific cycle he could do it himself!

Merrymouse · 15/12/2023 07:52

I don’t have a problem with dry clothes in the machine waiting for a full load, but would have a problem with wet clothes sitting in the machine overnight.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 15/12/2023 07:59

Quick washes at a low temperature are fine every now and then, but not all the time. The innards of the machine need longer, hotter washes to stop them gunning up.

But anyone who is going to dictate how the machine is used needs to sort out the washing themselves. Would it have mattered if the machine went on the next day instead? Probably not.

TempName247 · 15/12/2023 08:35

‘Quick wash’ settings use more energy than longer ones and the 30 mins one doesn’t wash the clothes it’s just for freshening up the odd item that is needed urgently. We use the longer cycles and program it to come on in the night when the electricity rates are lower.

10HailMarys · 15/12/2023 08:44

downstairsflat · 15/12/2023 00:18

I think DP asked me to do it because I had put some of my clothes in it after work, however I didn’t put it on of my own accord at that point as it wasn’t full yet. But DP asked when I was sitting on the sofa if it was on, and when I said, “no because it wasn’t full yet”, they asked me to put it on anyway (which was the point my OP started from)

This still doesn’t explain why he couldn’t/didn’t just put the washing machine on himself. He was the one who thought it needed doing. You had a good reason for not putting it on (ie it wasn’t full) so if disagreed with that reason it was up to him to put it on if he wanted.

It’s astonishing to me that you don’t seem able to see why your partner shouldn’t be giving you orders in the first place, let alone yelling when they aren’t carried out to his specifications.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 15/12/2023 09:01

downstairsflat · 15/12/2023 00:18

I think DP asked me to do it because I had put some of my clothes in it after work, however I didn’t put it on of my own accord at that point as it wasn’t full yet. But DP asked when I was sitting on the sofa if it was on, and when I said, “no because it wasn’t full yet”, they asked me to put it on anyway (which was the point my OP started from)

TBF I wouldn't want a part full wash on a long cycle, but the partner should have done it themselves.

Doesn't sound a very healthy relationship, all this tit for tat, your clothes are in there so you turn it on, and the reminding bollocks.