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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What as her parent would you think? Would you not invite us round now?

64 replies

Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:13

Dd,5 is friends with a neighbours (and
not hugely near-less than half a mile away) two sisters, youngest one is in her class at school, they also have an older brother. The mum has always been very friendly with me and invited us over after Christmas for Dd to play. Dd likes the girl but sometimes complains that she follows her too much and she doesn’t know what to say to her to stop her and that when Dd lies down on the school bench for a rest, she keeps pushing her off, the assistant has seen this and told her not to do it. Aside from this, they’re mainly good friends and play with one another with other friends.
Yesterday after school, the teacher called me to one side and said my Dd had hit this girl on the head, I was shocked, she’s never done it to anyone before, her teacher was shocked too.
Today after school, I noticed this mum avoiding me and my Dd, she’s normally a larger than life, extrovert character, she definitely deliberately walked past me trying to avoid looking at us. Would you feel the same and is that the end of the friendship now?
We’ve been struggling with Dds impulsive behaviour at the moment and are currently waiting for an adhd assessment.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 14/12/2023 22:19

I'm a bit confused with all the 'she's' trying to work out who's who.

If your dd hurt her friend and can tell you about it, what about drawing a card to say sorry. That's obviously only if you want the friendship to continue (sorry I can't tell, it's too late!)

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 14/12/2023 22:20

It's probably not what you want to hear, but if a kid hit mine on the head, badly enough for the school to pull the parents aside, then I wouldn't invite the kid over again.

My kids safety would be my priority.

I say this as someone who has struggled with both sides of this, so I get its upsetting for you, and dd.

Is there anyone else to arrange a playdate with over the Xmas break?

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:23

@SausageChopsBellyFlops We have lots of other friends outside of school, that isn’t really the issue…I feel embarrassed I suppose and wonder what she’s thinking. She’s generally v laid back about things and has a ‘Kids will be kids attitude’ in the past…the girls were back playing together again, I definitely felt she avoided me though

OP posts:
Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:25

The class had a trip today and Dd said she was partnered with another girl (she’s usually always put with this girl or they choose each other) It seems like the teacher has deliberately separated them

OP posts:
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 14/12/2023 22:27

@Oversizeddenimjacket if that's how she has been in the past then maybe she just had something else going on today? Did you try and talk to her and she just turned away?

Maybe just apologise to her tomorrow and see where it goes from there?

Nothing to be embarrassed about though, kids do stupid stuff sometimes, all of them.

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:29

@SausageChopsBellyFlops I don’t know how bad it was, the teacher didn’t see, Dds friend told the teacher but didn’t cry Dd said

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 14/12/2023 22:29

I'd message the other parent to apologise, to say you hope that her dd is okay, and to tell her that you're taking it seriously and working on DD's behaviour.

I wouldn't push her for any playdates, i'd leave it for a little while for things to cool down.

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:34

@ManchesterGirl2 I wondered about that, but wasn’t sure if it would make it too blown up? I don’t think I’d expect a text if it was the other way around, or texts for pushing her off the bench onto the floor etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:35

@SausageChopsBellyFlops I didn’t try to talk to her as after that I just rushed to get out today

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 14/12/2023 22:36

Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:34

@ManchesterGirl2 I wondered about that, but wasn’t sure if it would make it too blown up? I don’t think I’d expect a text if it was the other way around, or texts for pushing her off the bench onto the floor etc

Well it depends how bad the incident was, i was assuming quite bad but it's hard to tell from a distance. If you're sure that the other mum's annoyed with you about it, id send the text.

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:39

@ManchesterGirl2 It seemed quite serious the way the teacher pulled me aside…but children hit each other all the time don’t they? Dd also says the teacher sat on the other seat next to her on the bus today 😬I feel a bit strange about it

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 14/12/2023 22:41

Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:39

@ManchesterGirl2 It seemed quite serious the way the teacher pulled me aside…but children hit each other all the time don’t they? Dd also says the teacher sat on the other seat next to her on the bus today 😬I feel a bit strange about it

Hitting someone in the head is pretty serious.

SunshineAndFizz · 14/12/2023 22:44

Text the mum and apologise. Your kid hit her kid in the head. Of course she's avoiding you, I would, it's not great.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 14/12/2023 22:45

Kids dont hit eachother at primary. That's young nursery behaviour.

NeedToChangeName · 14/12/2023 22:46

Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:39

@ManchesterGirl2 It seemed quite serious the way the teacher pulled me aside…but children hit each other all the time don’t they? Dd also says the teacher sat on the other seat next to her on the bus today 😬I feel a bit strange about it

My DS never hit other pupils on the head, no. Please don't minimise this incident

MaggieFS · 14/12/2023 22:48

DS is in Y1. They are very active, but no, they don't hit each other. That's toddler tantrum/communication behaviour.

wellerhugs5 · 14/12/2023 22:53

What we have found is that some teachers report EVERY LITTLE THING. Others (it seems those with more experience) know what merits a "parent chat" at the end of the school day.
Yes, it's a bad thing she's done to her friend and you need to talk to her about it and find out why she acted the way that she did, explain how it would have made her friend feel and that it was inappropriate behaviour and she should apologise if she hasn't already (genuinely).
At the same time, kids do get into messes at school and the school will deal with it (find out what steps they have put in place though, so you're up to speed) and if you're that friendly with the mum I would message to say that I'm aware of what's happened and that we are dealing with it.
Good luck x

Goldbar · 14/12/2023 22:56

If a 5yo hit my 5yo at school, I wouldn't think much of it. I would leave it for school to sort out and no, it wouldn't really affect how I interacted with you unless it was a regular occurrence.

I would comfort my child and encourage them to tell a trusted adult if it happened again. Yes, 5 is a little old maybe to be hitting others, but some children still struggle with emotional regulation. I would assume that you were mortified to be told that your child had hit another child and were working with your child on how to manage negative emotions.

I wouldn't require your child's head on a spit or for you to prostrate yourself before me remorsefully before I deigned to speak to you again.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 14/12/2023 22:59

Actually if they’d had a real friendship they’d talk about it and work together to help the ops daughter. Thats what I’d do if dd fell out with a good friend. I’d wand to teach her how to resolve issues not run away from them.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2023 23:00

I don't understand why you have spoken to her and apologised.

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:01

@Goldbar Yes I’ve been really worried about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:02

My Dd talks of a fair few hitting each other at times in the playground, I don’t think it’s hugely uncommon. Dd has never done it before and was really upset too

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 14/12/2023 23:05

Did your dd tell you why she hit her friend?

StarlightLime · 14/12/2023 23:06

Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:39

@ManchesterGirl2 It seemed quite serious the way the teacher pulled me aside…but children hit each other all the time don’t they? Dd also says the teacher sat on the other seat next to her on the bus today 😬I feel a bit strange about it

No, they really don't hit each other all the time. Your child hit another child on the head, please don't minimise this.
Your only concern seems to be whether your play date will be cancelled.

SpottyUnicorn · 14/12/2023 23:08

Just speak to the mum.
My DC had hit his friend a couple of times and I've always contacted his mum straight away to check how her DC was, what she had been told and just keep things friendly.