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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What as her parent would you think? Would you not invite us round now?

64 replies

Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 22:13

Dd,5 is friends with a neighbours (and
not hugely near-less than half a mile away) two sisters, youngest one is in her class at school, they also have an older brother. The mum has always been very friendly with me and invited us over after Christmas for Dd to play. Dd likes the girl but sometimes complains that she follows her too much and she doesn’t know what to say to her to stop her and that when Dd lies down on the school bench for a rest, she keeps pushing her off, the assistant has seen this and told her not to do it. Aside from this, they’re mainly good friends and play with one another with other friends.
Yesterday after school, the teacher called me to one side and said my Dd had hit this girl on the head, I was shocked, she’s never done it to anyone before, her teacher was shocked too.
Today after school, I noticed this mum avoiding me and my Dd, she’s normally a larger than life, extrovert character, she definitely deliberately walked past me trying to avoid looking at us. Would you feel the same and is that the end of the friendship now?
We’ve been struggling with Dds impulsive behaviour at the moment and are currently waiting for an adhd assessment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:10

@StarlightLime In my Dds school, hitting definitely goes on as we’ve had to go in recently about some boys hitting her in the playground. Definitely not minimising it at all and have zero concern about a play date!

OP posts:
Wheelz46 · 14/12/2023 23:11

@Oversizeddenimjacket I would be extremely concerned if children hit each other all the time. I certainly would not want my children to be socialising with a child who constantly hit them, mine certainly know hitting is not acceptable.

In terms of the teacher purposely splitting them up, perhaps the other child's mother requested to prevent it happening again. Another child was constantly on at my son and I asked the teacher if she could ensure that they were not together in pairs or sat with each other and she was more than willing to do this for my son's safety and sanity.

Would I ignore a parent whose child purposely hurt mine, absolutely not, I would like to think I could have a grown up conversation with them about it. Perhaps she had somewhere to be or perhaps she is waiting for you to apologise, it was obviously serious enough for the teacher to pull you aside so I think the onus is on you to start the conversation if you want any kind of friendship to continue.

Eekmystro · 14/12/2023 23:12

If it were a one off and dealt with then I wouldn’t make a big deal about it as a parent. However I would not invite your child to mine, unless they become very good friends again. Obviously I wouldn’t invite a child into the home who my child wasn’t currently friends with and who had hit them.

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:14

@Noseybookworm She said she was annoyed as she kept pushing her off the bench and then was snatching toys and not listening to her. Dd knows it’s wrong, was very upset and both Dh and I spoke to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:15

@Eekmystro They were back friends today

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2023 23:16

I can’t see why you haven’t spoken to the mum and said sorry, asked if her DD is okay.

Mine is in reception, I’ve heard no reports of any child hitting another at school. One boy in her class apparently hit his brother at home and he was making a card to take home to say sorry. DD said the other kids were shocked by it.

I’d be horrified if DD hit anyone, as I see you are, and very angry if anyone hit her. No, we wouldn’t be seeing them socially.

converseandjeans · 14/12/2023 23:22

I don't think hitting is something all children do. Mine never hit other children.

However it sounds like the other child was deliberately provoking her. The other parent had obviously asked them to be kept separate.

I would consider messaging an apology & say you have chatted with DD & will work on it & leave it at that. The girls will possibly be friends again soon.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/12/2023 23:32

As you had to go in to complain about boys hitting your dd the teacher may have been keen to let you know your dd hits others too!! I have seen that happen.
As a teacher l see very little hitting. Most physical stuff happens in football or such games where they get a bit carried away but just hitting is rare.
Chat to the mom. Tell her teacher mentioned it and you are shocked. Resist the temptation to tell her about her dds carry on.

Grimchmas · 14/12/2023 23:39

As it seems the other parent isn't talking to you, school have paired her up with somebody else and had a teacher next to her on a bus, I would check in with the teacher. It sound like it's being taken very seriously and I would want to check in with them about it - reading between the lines it wouldn't surprise me if they had further concerns about your DD's behaviour.

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:51

@Grimchmas What do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:54

@junebirthdaygirl Shes never ever hit anyone before as was being hit by older boys in the playground and not wanting to go to school, we dealt with this not long ago. Dh thinks Dds behaviour may be coming from this. Dh thinks the mum won’t be hugely concerned and also says we don’t complain to her when her Dd keeps pushing her off the bench and onto the floor, they seem to be friends the next minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 14/12/2023 23:59

@junebirthdaygirl Shouldnt sne knlw about her Dd pushing my Dd off the bench etc (there’s other things-picking bows off her shoes, following her around and copying her etc) They’re friends but tbh I wasn’t massively enthusiastic to have play dates as Dd is great with her friends/neighbours at the weekends etc
Its just so out of character, I still feel sick thinking about it and ashamed

OP posts:
Goldbar · 15/12/2023 00:10

I really wouldn't overthink this, OP. It's not great but it happens. The school will have dealt with it.

The lesson you need to reinforce with your DD is that she needs to walk away and tell a trusted adult if someone hurts her or does something she doesn't like, rather than lashing out.

It may be that the mum has decided that the two girls aren't a good fit for playdates at the moment. She's probably right, from what you've said - it sounds like your DD could do with some space from this girl.

Original poster
Oversizeddenimjacket · 15/12/2023 00:41

@Goldbar Yes you’re probably right

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 15/12/2023 01:17

Just concentrate on parenting your child. What are her consequences going to be? Hitting another child is absolutely not on and at 5 she is old enough to know that.

coldcallerbaiter · 15/12/2023 01:31

Pushed her off the bench? Well then this kid started it. That is shoving. Looks like the other kid should keep her hands off your daughter too.

If your dd had complained first, it would be the other mother that was embarrassed…

shearwater2 · 15/12/2023 01:34

The only time I walloped someone at primary school was a girl I had a love hate relationship with- I'd tried to be nice at first but mostly she was a pain in the arse, following me around, copying my work, trying to get me into trouble, saying unpleasant things, not leaving me alone when I asked her to.

We ended up having a fight, she came off worst and went off crying to a dinner lady (lunchtime supervisor)- we were older than your daughter, in Y2 if I recall correctly. I didn't get in trouble as the dinner lady had seen what had been going on. Also it was so out of character for me, I was quiet, polite and diligent and had never been in trouble.

Then her mum complained to the school that I had been bullying her daughter. My teacher didn't think that sounded like me at all but my parents had to come into school anyway and I explained to them what had been happening. The teacher said she would keep us apart, and I was relieved. Her mum wouldn't leave it alone and yelled at me in the playground at drop off - my parents weren't there as I came in with a friend. Apparently I was a spolit brat, a show off, you name it. A grown woman attacking a seven year old.

We went to the same dance class and her mum absolutely launched herself at my mild mannered dad in the corridor after they dropped us off. It's the one and only time I ever saw my dad shout at anyone, he barely even raised his voice normally. It was all jealousy, I think her mum had been dripping bile in her daughter's ear. Why had I got a better part in the play, why was I better in lessons, why was I ahead of her at dancing (because I'd been doing it for three years longer!) Nasty, batshit crazy woman.

Anyway, with that personal experience I would certainly not be inviting this girl round for a playdate and would talk to your daughter about what we do when someone is upsetting or bothering us. Hitting isn't normally on, but I do think we mustn't teach girls, in particular, to "Be kind" and polite in every circumstance, and talk to her about assertiveness, and how a good friend should treat us, and if she thinks this girl is being a good friend to her.

thelastrose · 15/12/2023 01:46

Why don't you start by apologising to her? Some acknowledgement that something wrong happened to her daughter would not go astray.

We’ve been struggling with Dds impulsive behaviour at the moment and are currently waiting for an adhd assessment.

You could include this information in your apology. But you seem very keen to make it the other little girl's fault.

honeysuckleweeks · 15/12/2023 02:54

I think the mum of the other girl is ( quite rightly) annoyed that your DD hit her DD on the head. I'd be cross too. She's avoiding you so she doesn't say something she regrets!

SinnerBoy · 15/12/2023 02:59

Noseybookworm · Yesterday 23:05

Did your dd tell you why she hit her friend?

Yes, it's explained in the first paragraph of the header.

Pippa12 · 15/12/2023 03:12

5 year olds don’t hit each other all the time, your daughters perception of this is wrong. I’d have a stern chat to her about this and there would be repercussions at home.

It’s likely the teacher has observed your child pushing the other child off the bench etc and this incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back, triggering a parent teacher conversation.

Depending on how friendly you are with the other mum I’d perhaps message and apologise for your daughter’s behaviour, that you’ve acknowledged it with your daughter and it will not happen again.

Coyoacan · 15/12/2023 03:17

My dd scratched her friend's face out the blue when she was five. They stayed friends and she never did anything like that again

SinnerBoy · 15/12/2023 03:36

Pippa12 · Today 03:12

It’s likely the teacher has observed your child pushing the other child off the bench etc...

You've got it arsy-versey, the other girl kept pushing the OP's daughter of the bench and she finally cracked at hit the pusher.

Sceptre86 · 15/12/2023 03:58

Some kids will hit each other and they don't need to have sen as an excuse. They are young and will have fall outs sometimes leading to pushing and shoving. A child at 5 might not realise hitting a child in the head is any worse than shoving off a bench etc. I would expect the school to resolve it and work better on supervising kids in the playground. As a parent I would want to be made aware so I could speak to my own child and explain why it's wrong to do so.

A child of the same age kicked my son who lashed out and hit the other child in the face. I have no intention of speaking to the other parent about them, don't even know who they are (the kids don't normally play together). School mentioned they had put both boys in a time out and talked it through with them. I then did my part as a parent in explaining why lashing out in retaliation is not OK and that it would have been better to speak to the teacher instead.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 15/12/2023 04:25

As a parent to two girls, I would absolutely send a text to apologise on my daughter's behalf, explain that you are working on her behaviour and have explained why her actions were wrong. Id leave it at that. Don't force another play date right now.