Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unable to cope with both my kids at once?

63 replies

Thepurplebus · 13/12/2023 17:39

There, I’m admitting it here because I’ll be flamed. 4 months and 3. One is crying, one needs feeding, one needs changing, one needs potty, one needs a nap, one needs to stay awake. Am I spectacularly shit or is it normal?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 13/12/2023 17:40

Nope I had 3 under 5. It was hell and I cried lots until I had 2 in school

Original poster
Thepurplebus · 13/12/2023 17:40

How did you cope with three??

OP posts:
HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 13/12/2023 17:40

Normal. It's fucking shit.

Hellenika · 13/12/2023 17:42

It’s a challenge at first to have two under 5s. You are only 4 months in, give it time.

HowToSaveAWife · 13/12/2023 17:44

I have two and a half year old and almost 8 month old. I've stopped fighting for a routine and once everyone is fed, bottled, watered and wiped... It's fine. It's totally fine.

(It's not fine, but today is fine and tomorrow is another day.)

Lovingitallnow · 13/12/2023 17:46

so on your first you meet all their needs always. Or nearly always. Then you have two and they have opposing needs and you are now a failure based off the standards you've previously set as the bare minimum. Because you can't meet both their needs at once.

By the time number three comes along you no longer measure "meeting needs always and instantly" as success, so that's no longer a stick to beat yourself with. Which instantly makes life easier. You're also aware that how you raised your first isn't how you'll raise your second, and how you raise your second isn't how you will raise your third.

and that is how third time parents can seem so chill to a second time parent who's struggling. Or at least that was my situation. I do know some people take to their second like a duck to water. But I basically felt like an asshole for about 9 months.

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/12/2023 17:47

Normal, there is 2 years between my 2 and they pulled me both ways. Just do 2 what you can.

loveulotslikejellytots · 13/12/2023 18:09

Normal. 3.5 years between mine and one of us was probably crying at any given time for about a year 😂

You can't split yourself in half. Just do your best, sometimes the baby has to hang on a second while you wipe a bum. Or your older one has to watch a bit more telly while you feed the baby. It does get better.

Trinxs · 13/12/2023 18:18

4 year old and 1 year old twins here. Single mum too so don't get much support.

The first year was hell. I cried a lot. We didn't have a routine for that first year and my focus was keeping everyone alive.

We now have a routine and it helps massively (and I have one in school now).
It really does get easier. For now, focus on meeting immediate needs.

Rocknrollstar · 13/12/2023 18:19

DD was 3 and at nursery so from the start baby had to fit in with her routine and that was that. He got up when she did and went to bed when she did. He often had a nap in the car when we went to collect her at 11.30. I don’t think I bothered much with housework.

Neriah · 13/12/2023 18:23

It's normal. You may not feel like it right now, but you'll live. At least until they are both teenagers. At which point you may be ready to murder both.

minipie · 13/12/2023 18:24

Same with me. DC1 was extremely hard work at age 2-4, DC2 was a bit more chilled but was a baby 🤷‍♀️, both woke regularly in the night for years so I didn’t have much energy or patience to make things a game or whatever you’re supposed to do… If your salary covers childcare I highly recommend going back to work fairly early at least 2-3 days a week!

Desecratedcoconut · 13/12/2023 18:24

The sleep deprivation was a killer but I don't think I ever had the feeling that the logistics were difficult or that needs weren't being met. I do think ds2 spent more time in the sling around the house at this point, which meant that it was easier to meet ds1s needs without much fuss.

BingoWings85 · 13/12/2023 18:25

Mine are 4 and 2 and I feel like I should have got the hang of caring for two of them at once ages ago. But I still find it so hard.

Not in any way saying this to scare you but I find it harder now than when my youngest was a tiny baby because toddler needs are so intense. I find the hardest thing is that it’s always the needs of my oldest that suffer, not the needs of my youngest.

I love 121 time with them so much!

Original poster
Thepurplebus · 13/12/2023 18:39

When I have one it does feel so comparatively easy, apart from the guilt that is!

neither are especially difficult children but I’ve been so grumpy with them for being perfectly normal Sad I snapped at the baby for crying ffs.

OP posts:
Allthingsdecember · 13/12/2023 18:49

I have a one and a three year old. It can be manic, and I learnt how to pick both up to soothe them at the same time pretty quickly. Sometimes I feel like a budget children’s entertainer when I’m trying to distract one while they wait for me to see to the other. It can be really hard… but you’re so close to reaping the rewards!

From 6 months onwards, my two stated playing with each other more and more. Now, despite sometimes having to referee, they are so gorgeous together.

On hard days, when they are both poorly, cranky, or tired, I try to remind myself that they are only little for a really short time. Soon they’ll be at school, then teenagers, then adults themselves. Just talk to any grandparent and they’ll remind you how fast it goes (whether that makes you sad or happy might depend on the day 😂).

SassyPants87 · 13/12/2023 18:51

Normal!! It’s BLOODY HARD!! My kids are now 3 and 14 months and I would say it’s only JUST started to get slightly easier. I find myself wishing away time with the younger one as I find my 3 year old really easy in comparison.

ColleenDonaghy · 13/12/2023 18:54

If you're spectacularly shit then so am I! I struggled to have my two alone for a long time.

There's good advice here already, you can only do what you can do.

NoCloudsAllowed · 13/12/2023 18:54

Round about 3 or 4 months the toddler twigs that the baby is a permanent fixture rather than a passing fad and behaviour can go haywire. End of honeymoon period.

As pp said, give up on the idea that everyone can be happy all the time. You can only do so much. In time they learn to wait, be patient, consider others' needs. It might not feel like it but this is one of the benefits of having siblings.

I generally prioritized the toddler's needs as they have longer memories and can hold a grudge!

ValBiro · 13/12/2023 18:56

I have 3 and I really struggle too. The big one is a teenager but any combination of two out of three is horrible.

I think it's totally normal and haven't rtft but am sure you wouldn't be flamed for feeling this way @Thepurplebus

SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 18:58

Are you in England? If so, can your 3yo start accessing some childcare/Preschool?

Pickingmyselfup · 13/12/2023 19:00

Sometimes I can't deal with my 2 on my own and they are 6 and 8! They are either getting on but it's very lively and needs someone to calm down or they are bickering and I either intervene because someone is going to get hurt or I can't deal with the noise anymore. Leaving for school in the morning is always carnage because they are either messing around together or I have one on slow mode so I'm trying to make sure the one whrjisready has everything whilst repeating myself a million times to the slow one to get ready.

They have driven me to tears of frustration many times although less so as they get older.

Going from 0-1 was challenging but relatively easy, going from 1-2 so incredibly hard, there is no way I would rock the boat with a 3rd, I would be rocking in a corner every day.

Neverimagined · 13/12/2023 19:01

It's really hard. There's 16 months between my youngest two, they're 1 and 2 now. Whilst I do now feel like I can cope and have some control over the situation, it's exhausting, I basically never stop and it involves military style organisation.

PP is right about lowering your expectations of yourself. You simply can't meet both their needs at once, so don't hold yourself to that standard.

UsingChangeofName · 13/12/2023 19:18

Lovingitallnow · 13/12/2023 17:46

so on your first you meet all their needs always. Or nearly always. Then you have two and they have opposing needs and you are now a failure based off the standards you've previously set as the bare minimum. Because you can't meet both their needs at once.

By the time number three comes along you no longer measure "meeting needs always and instantly" as success, so that's no longer a stick to beat yourself with. Which instantly makes life easier. You're also aware that how you raised your first isn't how you'll raise your second, and how you raise your second isn't how you will raise your third.

and that is how third time parents can seem so chill to a second time parent who's struggling. Or at least that was my situation. I do know some people take to their second like a duck to water. But I basically felt like an asshole for about 9 months.

This.

Plus, we all have bad days, or bad weeks..
It's hard to parent a toddler when you aren't getting a decent might's sleep.

ColleenDonaghy · 13/12/2023 19:26

UsingChangeofName · 13/12/2023 19:18

This.

Plus, we all have bad days, or bad weeks..
It's hard to parent a toddler when you aren't getting a decent might's sleep.

Show quote history

That's one of the aspects we found hardest. So difficult to summon patience for the terrible twos when you're on broken sleep.