Best way to ask out a colleague?

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First of all I'm 32, he's 30, I'm hoping he won't be one of those 'too young to commit ' men..what do people think of this age gap? It's ridiculous even calling it a gap tbh but people mainly seem to date men a bit older or their age.

Currently on the same team at work, hybrid remote so I only see him once a week, occasionally twice at most, sometimes none. I'm moving onto a different team next month anyway so that solves that.

I haven't been single that long and I'm still hurting, so I'm not intending to do the above right away, I was thinking to give it another month, however I think that moving on will be good for me. I've had 5 years single prior to my last relationship and I'm not looking to be single again.

We use Skype instant messaging at work. Really not sure what the best way is to approach all this, whether to ask him on there or face to face ? (it would have to be during a lunch break)

My manager's wife works in the same office, and one or two colleagues are dating fellow co-workers. I've read the policies around it and it's generally not an issue unless on different pay grades, i.e imbalance of power.

I'm simply planning to ask if he wants to have a coffee after work one day, or one lunchtime, keep it light and see how he reacts.

Grateful for any advice. If he doesn't want to, I'll just be cheery about it and lick my wounds in private.

I thought that asking him via messaging might look creepy, but asking face to face puts him on the spot, not sure what to do!

The nice thing is that he remembers absolutely everything I tell him, like he'll bring it up a couple of weeks later, maybe that means something or maybe he's just got a very good memory!

Sorry if I've missed it but do you definitely know he is single?

Yes I'm 99.9% sure because he lives with just his Mum, and every time he says he's doing anything it's either alone, with mates, or with family.

A bad idea. However pleasant a man he is.

How come, may I ask?

'Age gap' is a non-issue. Have you actually flirted with each other or does he give off a vibe he's interested?

My approach would be a casual coffee/lunch at work. That way if there is no vibe then it's just a lunch with colleague. If you're vibing you can drop something like "I just saw the trailer for movie x. Can't wait to see it" or something to see his reaction. I'm not talking about playing games. Just to see if he is potentially interested.

@PonyPatter44 I'm curious where you work? Were all the men working there at the same?

Yes I've gotten a slightly flirty vibe I'd say. The film hint is a good idea!

I met my husband at work. It started with a coffee and a chat, then another and another, then a drink. Im 4 years older than him. We have been married 31 years. We have two children and two grandchildren. If you really like him go for it. You'll get over a little embarrassment if it doesnt work out.

But you aren’t on a different team yet

Message him and say your leaving soon, it’s Christmas, you’d like to go out for a drink and ask him who else to consider inviting and go from there x

A colleague asked me to go for coffee 21 years ago, happy to say, we are still very much together and have 2 beautiful children. What's the worst that can happen, he says no and you move on.
Ps, we wisely took different paths in our careers, might have been a different story otherwise 😀

I'll be on a different team after next month. If he says no I'll be upset inside but it doesn't have to be some huge drama surely, we aren't teens. I've decided to see how I feel next month and then if I'm feeling better to ask thanks to your advice.

I don’t think you’re using him, I think you want to get married and have children and are looking for a likely candidate, as you’re a bit panicked at being nearly 33 and single. That’s why your first mention is commitment.

sadly I don’t think that really bodes well for relationships to be honest, unless he is also looking desperately for someone to settle down with and have kids in a hurry, or you both fall madly in love.

Yeah I guess it's that, though it's not that I need these things to happen immediately, I just want someone who also wants that in their future with me. Of course there's no way to know until you've been together for a certain amount of time, everything's a risk I suppose.

Yes, you need to let relationships s develop naturally. As you’ve just sadly experienced, it takes time to know if a relationship has legs.

I'm sick of reading on here how they slept together within 3 seconds of meeting, moved in the same day and said I love you the next day, and so on. I don't see that as things developing naturally.

I would try and get his number and then see if you can casually text and then ramp it up abit. That would be taking it in a more natural setting. Suggest that you want to organise something for Christmas or in case you do switch teams so can you have his number so you can create a group chat or something ? Then you could just text him something randomly one day so he has you number and then see how it flows ? That's what I'd do x

I think very few peoole have said that. What people do emphasise (me among them) is sleeping with someone immediately if that’s what you want, doesn’t break some kind of 1890s rule whereby you’re seen as fast and easy and dumpable. I used to sleep with people very early in so I knew we were sexually compatible before I fell for them and then discovered it didn’t work in bed. But that has nothing to do with commitment.

I suspect this is because in your head you’re putting so much store in it. You’re not just thinking he seems nice, wonder if he fancies a coffeee, which is what you should be thinking, you’re thinking wonder if he would want to marry me and have kids.

and this bitter little comment “I'm sick of reading on here how they slept together within 3 seconds of meeting, moved in the same day and said I love you the next day, and so on. I don't see that as things developing naturally”

it can be natural, but you’re so focused on the end goal of getting a man to commit to you, that it is now less about the man and more about achieving that.

Maybe look for ways to occupy yourself that aren't dependent on the interests of another man? Do something for yourself.

Meanwhile, are you organising leaving drinks for yourself?

Perfectly acceptable to ask ex-coleagues for a coffee when you move onto your new role.

*ex-colleagues

This would be a much better idea than just 'asking him out'.

Chat to him more at work, share the odd joke with him here and there and see if you've got the same sense of humour, build up a bit more of friendship etc. Then going for a coffee will be a lot less of out of the blue and will seem a bit more natural.

Like I said - I met my own DP at work and it all turned out very well, so I'm not at all against meeting people at work. I think lots of people meet their partners that way, in fact. But with my own DP, we built up a rapport at work because we were similar people and realised through normal friendly chats that we had a lot in common, plus we'd been for drinks with some other colleagues and so on before we actually got together. In fact, before we got together we already had tickets to go to a gig with another colleague, as a groups of friends, a couple of months in the future. So that friendliness sort of bridged the gap between being colleagues and eventually dating, if that makes sense?!

There was a thread the other day about people meeting their partners that did have this a lot, regardless of what that symbolised. So, I can see how it could feel annoying if someone was in the mindset of wanting a long term relationship.