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AIBU?

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Original poster

Best way to ask out a colleague?

99 replies

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:29

First of all I'm 32, he's 30, I'm hoping he won't be one of those 'too young to commit ' men..what do people think of this age gap? It's ridiculous even calling it a gap tbh but people mainly seem to date men a bit older or their age.

Currently on the same team at work, hybrid remote so I only see him once a week, occasionally twice at most, sometimes none. I'm moving onto a different team next month anyway so that solves that.

I haven't been single that long and I'm still hurting, so I'm not intending to do the above right away, I was thinking to give it another month, however I think that moving on will be good for me. I've had 5 years single prior to my last relationship and I'm not looking to be single again.

We use Skype instant messaging at work. Really not sure what the best way is to approach all this, whether to ask him on there or face to face ? (it would have to be during a lunch break)

My manager's wife works in the same office, and one or two colleagues are dating fellow co-workers. I've read the policies around it and it's generally not an issue unless on different pay grades, i.e imbalance of power.

I'm simply planning to ask if he wants to have a coffee after work one day, or one lunchtime, keep it light and see how he reacts.

Grateful for any advice. If he doesn't want to, I'll just be cheery about it and lick my wounds in private.

I thought that asking him via messaging might look creepy, but asking face to face puts him on the spot, not sure what to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:18

There is no Christmas party sadly plus I don't drink 😂

OP posts:
jc12689 · 13/12/2023 18:19

Justcallmebebes · 13/12/2023 17:32

Never mix business with pleasure. That's my advice

Loads of people meet at work.

Drinkinggreentea · 13/12/2023 18:22

Noooo never ask a man. The relationship starts off with a power imbalance. Men like to do the chasing and remain more interested in the woman when they do.

He'll probably be interesting in sleeping with you but will know from the beginning he doesn't have to put much effort in because you already like him. Honestly, if he liked you you would already know it (even if he's shy).

It seems sexist but i'm speaking from experience. What you can do is let him know through body language that you're interested and if he doesn't act on it he doesn't fancy you.

HomburgandTrilby · 13/12/2023 18:24

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:14

I don't have a dear of being single as such, I just don't feel like I need to be. Prior to my last relationship I was single for 5 years, I've been there, done that. I don't need to discover myself or anything, I know what I want and my last partner didn't want the same, I've met someone else who I like since.
I'm not trying to force it as such, I would like it to happen naturally but how? Surely even when things happen naturally, eventually one person asks another?

I think you’re misunderstanding the whole ‘be single for a while thing’, OP. It’s not so you know what being single is like, it’s more so you recalibrate after a relationship, deal with any hurt/disappointment, and don’t leap into a new one as a ‘cure’ still licking your wounds.

KingofCats · 13/12/2023 18:26

Oh my gosh. Overthinking babe. Ask him for a coffee. It’s normal as co workers anyway it’s not like you’re saying WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND
say that was nice shall we do it again soon
get into a regular coffee habit
if you want to progress further suggest dinner with more time to chat and see what happens

Original poster
Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:27

I know but I mean it wouldn't be jumping straight away into another thing, just asking for a coffee. I'll see how I feel next month anyway

OP posts:
divinededacende · 13/12/2023 18:30

Op don't listen to he people who say absolutely don't date in the workplace. Only you can decide if it's worth the risk in the context of your work environment. Plenty of people have successful relationships in work.

If he's single, casually ask him out for coffee on a lunch break. Play it casual and see where it goes. If there's a spark, take it from there. Asking a colleague out isn't any different than asking anyone else out.

The bigger problem is using words like "too young to commit" when you're talking about a vague notion of asking a colleague out. Also saying you're not looking to be single again. I think you're bigger risk is that you might be chasing the wrong thing and for the wrong reasons. Before you jump into another relationship, take a minute to be clear on what you want. If you're making choices out of fear of being single, you won't make the right ones.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/12/2023 18:31

He kept asking what time I was going for lunch so dunno if that meant anything?

And......? Then what happened? Did you have lunch together? Would have been a perfect opportunity to show your interest, and him in you. Convo drifts off to non-work stuff, what you've got on at the moment outside work, an event you'd like to go to but everyone you know is busy doing Christmas stuff and you'd feel wierd going on your own. There is PLENTY of opportunity for situations like that to suss out whether the other party is interested in you like that, you just have to judge their response or body language. So if he says "Ah never mind, there'll be other events" or "Ah I'm busy too I'm afraid" and turns to get another sandwich and changes the subject then he's probably not interested. If he says "well, I don't mind coming with you?" or even "Damn! That's right up my street, I'd love to go with you but I'm going to my cousin's birthday party that day. Is it on any other time, or something similar?" then he's probably interested.

Original poster
Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:32

Yes I agree. I think it's because my ex was slightly younger and I'm reluctant to go for anyone younger again but maybe I'm thinking too far ahead. I know that eventually I want to get married and have a child.

OP posts:
Alwaystired23 · 13/12/2023 18:32

Drinkinggreentea · 13/12/2023 18:22

Noooo never ask a man. The relationship starts off with a power imbalance. Men like to do the chasing and remain more interested in the woman when they do.

He'll probably be interesting in sleeping with you but will know from the beginning he doesn't have to put much effort in because you already like him. Honestly, if he liked you you would already know it (even if he's shy).

It seems sexist but i'm speaking from experience. What you can do is let him know through body language that you're interested and if he doesn't act on it he doesn't fancy you.

I asked my dh of 13 years out. Its worked for us.

Curlywurlycaz2 · 13/12/2023 18:32

imnotthatkindofmum · 13/12/2023 17:38

Just send him a message, don't over analyse it.

Those that say don't mix business with pleasure, we spend most of our lives at work, why limit our options?!

Because I've worked in the same company for 20 years and lost count of how many disasters have unfolded when it all goes horribly wrong.

Usually a man will start a relationship with a woman he line manages. One of them moves. Man then has an affair with someone new he manages. The cycle repeats. There is also no privacy. Everyone knows Andy is shagging Carol from Admin in his car on their lunch break in Morrisons Car Park. But no one will have the decency to till his wife Barbara who they all used to work with.

Original poster
Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:33

No we didn't end up having lunch together, I was a bit too nervous, which is daft I know.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/12/2023 18:35

HomburgandTrilby · 13/12/2023 18:24

I think you’re misunderstanding the whole ‘be single for a while thing’, OP. It’s not so you know what being single is like, it’s more so you recalibrate after a relationship, deal with any hurt/disappointment, and don’t leap into a new one as a ‘cure’ still licking your wounds.

Show quote history

Yeah, that's what you should really do. But I'm guessing OP is hearing her body clock ticking and friends are starting to get engaged or married or have babies and she's now worried it won't happen for her if she doesn't be proactive and just get back out there and find a partner to settle down with I mean, all well and good, but I think it can really taint things. There's a danger of ignoring little red flags or signs it's not right, you brush them under the carpet making excuses for him etc. There's a danger of "settling", instead of real "settling down".

divinededacende · 13/12/2023 18:37

Drinkinggreentea · 13/12/2023 18:22

Noooo never ask a man. The relationship starts off with a power imbalance. Men like to do the chasing and remain more interested in the woman when they do.

He'll probably be interesting in sleeping with you but will know from the beginning he doesn't have to put much effort in because you already like him. Honestly, if he liked you you would already know it (even if he's shy).

It seems sexist but i'm speaking from experience. What you can do is let him know through body language that you're interested and if he doesn't act on it he doesn't fancy you.

As a blanket piece of advice, that's terrible.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/12/2023 18:38

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:33

No we didn't end up having lunch together, I was a bit too nervous, which is daft I know.

Then you're giving him totally the wrong signals.

DuplicateUserName · 13/12/2023 18:40

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:42

I dunno when I'll not be hurting as much, hopefully in a few months, but then I tell myself that moving on will stop me hurting as much hopefully?

He's a man, not a first aid kit.

Stay single and enjoy it, at least until you stop hurting.

Build a new circle of friends or something but don't rely on other men to relieve the hurt of your last relationship.

Anonymouseposter · 13/12/2023 18:41

There’s a possibility that you will mess this up as you’re getting ahead of yourself. You’re already talking about whether he will be commitment avoidant and you not wanting to be single. I would slow it right down and just try to get to know him a bit better and see how it goes. Say something like “I could do with a break from this, do you fancy going up the road for a coffee at lunchtime?” Just be friendly and see what happens. Also don’t pin too much importance on it , he may or may not be interested.

Original poster
Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:47

You're right, he's not the only man. At this stage my plan is to casually ask for a coffee next month and nothing else. If he says no I'll say no worries and move on.

OP posts:
Lovethistimeofyear · 13/12/2023 18:54

Team night out? Or just ask if he fancies grabbing a drink after work one night you are both in?

doesn’t need to be a big date

Lifeinlists · 13/12/2023 18:58

Noooo never ask a man. The relationship starts off with a power imbalance. Men like to do the chasing and remain more interested in the woman when they do.

What a load of rubbish. On that advice I'd have never got together with DH and 41 years later he still hasn't objected.

Just go for it OP. Ask him to meet for coffee or something. You like him, he likes you. There is no problem. As pp says- life is short. It really is, so when an opportunity like this happens just seize it with both hands. Good luck.

Chinhairsoftheworldunite · 13/12/2023 19:01

Can I ask what is the difference between letting someone know you like them ( through body language) and chasing them?

what makes the difference? I don’t mean the subtle differences between lunging at someone and sending them loads of invites versus a warm smile and hello as you pass their desk I mean what tells someone you like them and if they wanted to ask you out you would say yes versus normal colleague/friend behaviour? How do you differentiate?

I may ( or may not) have inadvertently flirted and been flirted at by loads of blokes as I haven’t a clue. They would have to be blunt with me.

stoppingby · 13/12/2023 19:04

I went out with someone I worked with for three years. When we broke up, going to work every day was hell. Thankfully he left before I had to.

Never again. Don't do it.

Original poster
Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 19:05

My team is a bit of a weird one. Half of us are 30s and under, half are 60+. Everyone is really nice, but the 60+ group have arranged an Xmas meal between them, doesn't seem that any of the younger ones are invited, we just don't seem to mix for whatever reason.
In the younger side, apart from this guy there are 2 people I speak to daily and then the others are nice but we don't really talk unless it's about work.
So just not sure about the logistics of a team night out! But could be, who knows.

OP posts:
Gowlett · 13/12/2023 19:09

I know this is old fashioned. But once a guy knows you’re interested… Maybe it’s different nowadays with OLD etc. what would I know?

Original poster
Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 19:11

I don't think he'd necessarily know I'm interested as I've never said or done anything to suggest otherwise. Also my female colleague has asked me for coffee etc. A few times so maybe he'd just think it's platonic too?

OP posts: