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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best way to ask out a colleague?

99 replies

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:29

First of all I'm 32, he's 30, I'm hoping he won't be one of those 'too young to commit ' men..what do people think of this age gap? It's ridiculous even calling it a gap tbh but people mainly seem to date men a bit older or their age.

Currently on the same team at work, hybrid remote so I only see him once a week, occasionally twice at most, sometimes none. I'm moving onto a different team next month anyway so that solves that.

I haven't been single that long and I'm still hurting, so I'm not intending to do the above right away, I was thinking to give it another month, however I think that moving on will be good for me. I've had 5 years single prior to my last relationship and I'm not looking to be single again.

We use Skype instant messaging at work. Really not sure what the best way is to approach all this, whether to ask him on there or face to face ? (it would have to be during a lunch break)

My manager's wife works in the same office, and one or two colleagues are dating fellow co-workers. I've read the policies around it and it's generally not an issue unless on different pay grades, i.e imbalance of power.

I'm simply planning to ask if he wants to have a coffee after work one day, or one lunchtime, keep it light and see how he reacts.

Grateful for any advice. If he doesn't want to, I'll just be cheery about it and lick my wounds in private.

I thought that asking him via messaging might look creepy, but asking face to face puts him on the spot, not sure what to do!

OP posts:

Frasers · 13/12/2023 17:48

op do you actually fancy him? I’m a bit worried that your first comment is about committing, you don’t even know if he fancies you, never mind start a relationship then commit. And you are focused on not being single.

do you fancy him or are you just wanting a relationship?

Frasers · 13/12/2023 17:49

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:48

I left because he didn't want to make any future plans/settle down, together a few years, only single a few weeks which is why I need to give it a bit of time. But as I say I've had years and years of being single, I'm not looking to be long term single, and often meeting other people helps me move on.
Thank you, I wish I had more confidence tbh!

How long exactly is a few weeks?

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:49

People often say that after a break up you need to be alone for a while, and I do understand that, but as I say I know very well what single is like.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:51

Yes I definitely fancy him, he's really nice, it's not ideal so soon after a relationship ending but it's sod's law. Knowing my luck I'll wait too long, he'll be with someone else and then I'll be back on OLD for a few years meeting unsavoury men.

OP posts:

Frasers · 13/12/2023 17:52

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:51

Are you sure it’s not you desperately don’t want to be single and want to settle down, that you’re panicking a bit?

Duh · 13/12/2023 17:53

Go for it OP, life is short and if you fancy him why wait?

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:55

Well what can I say I am approaching 33, I know it's still young but I think if you're 30s and want a family you have to be more proactive, if I were 25 it'd likely be different. I shouldn't panic I know, but I'm just worried about never meeting anyone.

OP posts:

Milliemoos5 · 13/12/2023 17:56

What you’re saying is basically you wanna use him to get over the hurt from your recent break up. That’s not very nice for this guy

Elektra1 · 13/12/2023 17:58

Regardless of the work situation, you still being in the "hurting" phase suggests you aren't ready for a new relationship. I get it. My wife left me 8 months ago and I was absolutely crushed. Then I thought I'd "get out there". Tried online dating and some singles events - realised I was nowhere near ready for anything. As time goes on I feel less, not more, ready. I wouldn't inflict myself on someone else even though it might feel good to me short term as a distraction.

You need to move beyond the pain and hurt of your relationship which ended, before starting a new one. Add in the work colleagues element, and it's a recipe for disaster.

Purpleraiin · 13/12/2023 17:58

I wouldn't worry about the tiny age gap. I'm 33 and partner is 31, we've been together 5 years and get along great. He has a mental health condition which can affect his maturity and make him very childlike with his humour, but I actually find it funny and I know he's capable of being mature when needed. I'd say the majority of his friends also in his age group are mature and all settled down On the approach to 30.
As for asking him out, could you perhaps go for the friends route for now while you try and get over your last relationship? Maybe approach near lunchtime and say your going to the cafe over the road for some lunch does he fancy coming along? If he agrees and you enjoy yourself then message him in the evening to let him know you enjoyed lunch with him and thanks for coming along. You'll be able to gauge his interest from his reply I would have thought. If he seems interested then keep up suggestions like that and build on the friendship, see if it develops into something more over time.

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:59

Not in the slightest, I like him and I am attracted to him, he's someone I could see myself dating, and often meeting new people does help you move on, it's not a case of using them.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 13/12/2023 18:00

I don't have a problem with people dating co-workers... that's actually how I met my partner.

However, this does sound like it's all quite random. Are you actually friends? If you're going to date someone you work with, I think you need to build up a bit of a friendship first rather than just thinking 'Oh, he's nice. I'll ask him out.'

If you think you might get along, then do what others have suggested and arrange some work drinks or at the very least, have some more social chats with him rather than just work chats and polite office small talk.

To put it bluntly, it sounds as if you're just so desperate not to be single that you're more or less just picking someone out of a hat to attempt a relationship with them, and that you are building all this up in your head way too much. You've only recently broken up with someone and your main focus very seems to be 'I don't want to be single so I'm scanning the horizon for anyone available' rather than 'I've met someone I really like/fancy and it's possible he might also like me'.

I'm hoping he won't be one of those 'too young to commit' men

You haven't even been out for a coffee yet. You are really jumping the gun here worrying about whether he'll commit.

It's ridiculous even calling it a gap tbh

Yes. Yes it is ridiculous.

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:00

Well maybe we could start as friends and see if it's anything more?

OP posts:

Milliemoos5 · 13/12/2023 18:01

It absolutely is using them, sorry. Imagine how you’d feel if a guy was dating you and all along he was still ‘grieving’ his recent ex? It’s a horrible position to be put in

emmylousings · 13/12/2023 18:01

Wow people are so uptight. Before OLD work was where the majority of couples met. You moving teams is the ideal time to ask. Just ask him for a coffee, if he's interested its easy to agree to, and if he's not it's easy for him to swerve. Not a big deal.

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:02

If you think that that's fair enough, but I'm not using him, I'm looking to date because I like him, otherwise I could look for any old guy. I am not a user. Anyway maybe it's not such a good idea..

OP posts:

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:05

Yes I think I should get to know him as a friend first tbh..

OP posts:

PonyPatter44 · 13/12/2023 18:07

I met the current Mr Pony at work. I also met the boyfriend before him and a couple of other random shags at work (admittedly it is an 'intense' sort of workplace). Its not an issue, its never been an issue. However my friend met his wife at work and had to change company as dating colleagues was heavily frowned upon there!

If you like the man, ask him if he wants to grab lunch or a coffee one day. If he likes you, he'll say yes, if he doesn't, well, no harm done.

Purpleraiin · 13/12/2023 18:07

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:00

Well maybe we could start as friends and see if it's anything more?

I think that's the best way to test the waters. Its a bit difficult when you don't have a clue how he feels and you don't want to make a tit of yourself 😅
If he wants to spend time with you as a friend Evan just for lunch, then you at least know he wants to be in your company.
I'd say establish he at least likes you enough to spend time around you alone and be your friend, then judge by the convos you have if you think he could be interested in more. If he's clearly not, or if you decide you're mot ready then no harm done and you've gained a friend

Newlydivorcedyay · 13/12/2023 18:08

To use a slightly weird analogy, is it like when you run out of coffee so you pick up any instant coffee at the corner shop on the way home? Or is it like when you go to the posh shop and pick out the coffee that you really appreciate?
Basically, I think a relationship has to feel like the fancy coffee, not like the quick instant stuff. Regardless of how or where you meet.
I just wonder if you are like "he is decent and he is proximate" or if you are like "he could really be the one"

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:09

I don't think he necessarily thinks I'm interested, as one of my best friends at work is male, he's a lot younger and like a little brother type but we speak every day, so this guy likely just thinks I'm friendly but who knows. Thanks for all the answers, I'll sleep on it.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/12/2023 18:12

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 17:43

I dunno when I'll not be hurting as much, hopefully in a few months, but then I tell myself that moving on will stop me hurting as much hopefully?

It sounds a bit like you're viewing him as a vehicle to move on to stop you hurting? Does not sound like a good idea to me just yet. It's everything you're not supposed to do. Most people who have just come out of a relationship and are hurting are not even thinking about another relationship for a bit or they may just want a fling or two. This sticks out too:

I've had 5 years single prior to my last relationship and I'm not looking to be single again.

It honestly sounds like you have a fear of being single and you're trying to force another relationship to happen. These things are supposed to happen naturally. Can you not slow down a bit? Are you just worried that you'll be on your own forever if you don't jump at the first opportunity?

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:12

Last week we were assigned seats next to each and talked all day so that was maybe a good sign. He kept asking what time I was going for lunch so dunno if that meant anything?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dasistrichtig · 13/12/2023 18:14

I don't have a dear of being single as such, I just don't feel like I need to be. Prior to my last relationship I was single for 5 years, I've been there, done that. I don't need to discover myself or anything, I know what I want and my last partner didn't want the same, I've met someone else who I like since.
I'm not trying to force it as such, I would like it to happen naturally but how? Surely even when things happen naturally, eventually one person asks another?

OP posts:

AnnieRegent · 13/12/2023 18:17

Get trashed together at the Christmas party and then pounce

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