Am I othering my DD?

[MedicalIssueForTrips]

DD is 9, School Year 5.

She goes to a school that does a lot within the community; lots of walks to the supermarket, church services (it’s a church school), visits to markets or the post office. She’s also in the choirs so theres a lot of singing in community to.

I am in general happy for DD to take part in all of this, but she has an EHCP due to medical needs and struggles to walk so I’ve taken to picking her up and taking her to wherever the class are going and bringing her back to school (if appropriate) afterwards. School have never said anything about this, in fact they now pre-empt it for certain trips and call me to ask me about it before the letter goes out.

DD gets DLA because of her health needs, so I just use the DLA to cover fuel and parking etc.

For me this feels like a good way of compromising with school. DD still gets the experience of the trip and to learn from it, but I don’t feel uneasy about her going as she may flare up one of her conditions. For me it’s a reasonable adjustment for her condition.

But other parents in the class keep saying that it’s unfair, and I’m othering my child from her classmates. They don’t encourage their child/ren to speak to DD as they have shared experiences of the walks to/from events like this or their children feel jealous they have to walk in the cold and rain where DD gets to sit in a nice warm and dry car. They tell their children it's because DD is babied and they're big grown up kids who don't need to be babied which makes DD feel even worse as they children then repeat that to DD.

If the trip is on a bus DD goes without me as the bus acts as a rest/break place for her if they’re walking and school still put other adjustments in place, so I’m not on every trip.

But I now feel uneasy. The alternative is DD doesn’t go on these trips at all, staying at school and she feels even more different to her friends who went. I am extremely anxious about this as DD is very self-conscious about being different to her friends in any way, she loves it when she gets to go on these trips and her classmates only know about it because DD told them where she is when they’re walking to/from wherever they’re going and she asked me why she couldn’t walk with her friends.

So am I othering her?

Wow, those parents are awful! I think if she could manage walking sometimes it would probably be nice for her, but if not, then I don't see the problem. If the other parents were a bit better they would explain about her health needs and how she would probably love to join the other kids instead of calling her a baby! Unbelievable.

Just keep doing what you're doing. You sound like a great mum.

The other parents have a dam cheek...none of their business. Who have they told that they think it's unfair?

What an odd response from the other parents.
My daughter was in a class with a child with cerebral palsy. His dad would drive him and one or 2 of his best friends to school trips for exactly the same reason as you’ve given. No-one batted an eyelid - everyone was perfectly aware that he couldn’t walk long distances and would meet the rest of the class at the venue.

You’re not doing anything wrong. Maybe explore with the teacher whether you could transport a couple of other kids with your child so that she’s not as excluded..?

I wouldn't say you're othering her but you are drawing attention to her. What does your DD think?

If you think she can manage walking now and again, I'd look into attempting that a couple of times.

Would a wheelchair for outings be a suitable compromise? My friend in school used a wheelchair about 60% of the time and no one paid negative attention towards it, she had people always offering to push!

There's an almost identical post from today where the phrase "othering" is used regarding a child at school. It's quite a rare phrase in general conversation so I'm surprised. Is this now a well used term?

Of course you're not being unreasonable, and I'm really shocked anyone would take that attitude. It must be really hard to hear.

Have you dug down into who is saying what? I found at that age there was a lot of 'everyone is saying this' and 'X's mum thinks that' and that it wasn't an entirely accurate picture of events. I might be grasping at straws here while trying to hold onto my faith in humanity, though.

Also, do other children have a decent grasp of your DD's conditions?

Those other parents are arseholes.

Is dd able to manage the walk? Could you let her try, or would that be too risky? What do her specialists say?

We have no way of knowing whether your dd needs to be driven. If she does, YANBU. If it’s just that you’re anxious, YABU - not suggesting for a minute that this is the case.

Is there a way to mitigate the risk for dd, walking part of the way, rest breaks, a TA on hand in case she needs to stop, a rest afterwards, etc? If there’s a way she can walk with her friends then that would probably be better as she is wanting to, but otherwise YANBU.

Or consider a wheelchair for longer distances?

Never heard it before, I assumed it was a typo. 😊

They sound like complete and utter tossers - but how do you know these things are being said? I assume they don’t say it to you in person?

The other parents are being ableist. If she cannot manage it, why should she be excluded? She'd miss out on these educational trips.and community experiences without transport support.

Othering as a term has been around a long time.

It's a pretty common word these days. The OP doesn't read as AI at all.

The parents say it directly to me at pickup and drop off and then DDs had the comments from her classmates as well.

It's not all the class/parents, just some.

DD does use a wheelchair during long days out with me but school said they'd need to get a TA thats willing to be trained to use it and willing to push it 2-3 miles there and the same back, so DD doesn't use it at school. I am happy to drive her.

I have also offered to take other children but school said I would have to arrange this with individual parents and get them to tell school they want their DC to go with me and my DD, they're not allowed to get involved and organise it as its a private arrangement I've decided on, although school won't exclude DD from the trip if I can't/won't take her (which has never happened, my work are extremely flexible due to the DLA claim in DDs name)

DD could manage the walk there but then may not be able to do the activity due to pain/stiffness and definitely couldn't walk back as well, so this seems the simiplist solution.

Sorry, OP, I assumed that your DD was reporting this back to you. I can't believe they're saying this to your face.

Are they aware of the extent of your DD's conditions and how it impacts her? What do you say to them? I'm speechless that people would behave like this.

Othering?? Never heard of that one.

They say it to your face? Fucking set them straight! Tell them how disgraceful their behaviour is, bullying a disabled child because she can't walk far. Really shame them in front of everyone.

These other parents sound very odd. In my classes if a mum explained on the WhatsApp at least a few whose kids like the child would offer to come with I'm sure.

Has your daughter not got an EHCP? If so it needs to be written in re wheelchair usage, if not it's something to look into.

I presume this is a bit like a hidden disability thing, the other parents don't know she has medical needs and are just assuming that you are overprotective or babying? In the classic "well look she's standing up and walking around the playground so she must be fine, she doesn't look disabled" sort of way.

"Othering" is a very common phrase - it's even in the dictionary!

What is it about OP's post that makes you think of AI?

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/othering

Yes in the WhatsApp message I'd explain she is disabled but the school have noone to push her wheelchair. Though this does sound so out of order I'm struggling.

Unbelievable from the other parent IMO. If a child in my child’s class was being picked up and driven I’d assume there was good reason for it and tell my child that if they asked why they got a lift. As a teacher if I heard kids gossiping about why X always got a lift again I’d make it clear that there was a good reason that they weren’t aware of and shut down any gossiping. Disgraceful that a child who has got some sort of disability/medical need is being gossiped about in this way by other parents of all people - bad enough if it’s kids but parents should know better!!

Could you push the wheelchair? Perhaps start her walking then wheelchair once it gets too much?

The school need to do a proper lesson in disability awareness by the sound of it.