Am I othering my DD?

[MedicalIssueForTrips]

DD is 9, School Year 5.

She goes to a school that does a lot within the community; lots of walks to the supermarket, church services (it’s a church school), visits to markets or the post office. She’s also in the choirs so theres a lot of singing in community to.

I am in general happy for DD to take part in all of this, but she has an EHCP due to medical needs and struggles to walk so I’ve taken to picking her up and taking her to wherever the class are going and bringing her back to school (if appropriate) afterwards. School have never said anything about this, in fact they now pre-empt it for certain trips and call me to ask me about it before the letter goes out.

DD gets DLA because of her health needs, so I just use the DLA to cover fuel and parking etc.

For me this feels like a good way of compromising with school. DD still gets the experience of the trip and to learn from it, but I don’t feel uneasy about her going as she may flare up one of her conditions. For me it’s a reasonable adjustment for her condition.

But other parents in the class keep saying that it’s unfair, and I’m othering my child from her classmates. They don’t encourage their child/ren to speak to DD as they have shared experiences of the walks to/from events like this or their children feel jealous they have to walk in the cold and rain where DD gets to sit in a nice warm and dry car. They tell their children it's because DD is babied and they're big grown up kids who don't need to be babied which makes DD feel even worse as they children then repeat that to DD.

If the trip is on a bus DD goes without me as the bus acts as a rest/break place for her if they’re walking and school still put other adjustments in place, so I’m not on every trip.

But I now feel uneasy. The alternative is DD doesn’t go on these trips at all, staying at school and she feels even more different to her friends who went. I am extremely anxious about this as DD is very self-conscious about being different to her friends in any way, she loves it when she gets to go on these trips and her classmates only know about it because DD told them where she is when they’re walking to/from wherever they’re going and she asked me why she couldn’t walk with her friends.

So am I othering her?

I'd say to the parents oow great are you going to push her in the wheelchair their and back

The parents KNOW about your child's physical challenges and they're still saying this? They sound like wankers.

I can understand if they don't know and think you're just being a bit precious.

I would 1. be direct next tie someone says something to you "Both DD and I would love her to be able to walk but unfortunately due to [insert relevant condition] walking would just make her unable to take part int he activity once the children arrive so this is the compromise. and 2. I'd be talking to the school and asking if they can perhaps consider some communication abut accommodating children with additional needs. I'm not normally a fan of those chiding emails coming out from school but I think this needs one AND/OR the teachers should stage something of an intervention in the classroom about this.

Tell me you don't understand AI without telling me you don't understand AI

I would call out their ablist bullying for what it is, since they're saying it to your face. I'd also report the bullying by both children and parents to the school. They need to step in with the children at least.

The schools policy is bizarre, we have had numerous children who use wheelchairs and nobody has ever needed to be 'trained' in how to use one.

They did organise manual handling training for a child who needed help transferring in and out of his wheelchair but it sounds like your daughter would manage that fine. And even then all staff could still push his wheelchair if he needed help- the training takes half a day and would be significantly less if the only procedure you're being trained in is to 'push a wheelchair'. They didn't even cover that in training except to remind people to put breaks on and not to let go on hills.

Even if its risk assessment and insurance based- its still a bad policy

The parents say it directly to me at pickup and drop off and then DDs had the comments from her classmates as well.

I’m assuming that because this is an utterly ridiculous and unacceptable thing for this other parent to say you were right gobsmacked and didn’t tell them to f* off!

I’d purposely find out this parent at your next opportunity, and set them straight on the fact your daughter has a disability and their comments are utterly unacceptable.

I would also go and see the class teacher about this, explain what’s been said and what the other children have said to your daughter and agree a way this can be raised appropriately with the class to put a stop to it.

Even chld is whinging "its not faaaaiiir, why does so-and-so always get a lift" , can parent not say "she NEEDS a lift, you only WANT a lift"? I dont get why parents feel its appropriate to say "ooh, its because youre so big and strong, no like so-and-so". Are people really so scared of acknowledging that maybe we might not ALL be the same and therefore might not all need the same assistance...?

Next time a ‘do you hear yourself?’ Might be in order op!! How many parents is it? Sounds like a horrible class!!!

Crikey. From your follow up post, you are being completely reasonable and the other parents are vile bullies.

school do need to make sure trips are accessible to your dd and can’t rely on you coming to drive her… but if you’re happy to, that’s your choice, and how dare other parents comment.

It’s not the same, but I chose to stay round the corner from the residential trip and pick my dd up at night. Not because school wouldn’t accommodate (they bent over backwards) and not because I didn’t want her to stay (I did) but because for reasons nobody else in the class was party to, it was in her interests, what she wanted, and the only way she could cope with the trip and still benefit. As far as I know, nobody said a word.

You’re certainly not doing anything wrong here and it’s outrageous that you’ve been made to question yourself and your dd has been made to feel bad.

So these parents know your DD uses a wheelchair, but they’re bitching at you about her needing lifts from you sometimes?

I can tell you exactly what the problem is.

They are utter cunts.

Some people are just disgusting, sad but true. Yanbu, they are.

The school would never exclude DD or say she couldn't go if I said I couldn't take her, they do also put other adjustments in place on the actual trips/for the activities i.e. during choir they give her the song sheets or make sure she can see the board with the words on, if she misses part of a visit due to needing a rest they let her choose a friend to sit with and make sure she gets the information she needs in another way e.g. on a recent zoo visit she rested while the others walked to a talk about the penguins, DD was given a tablet to watch the talk with her friend and the TA and the TA could text the teacher any questions DD or her friend had to ask as the talk was live streamed via Social Media anyway.

But I do see it as part of me helping her access her education, I don't deliver the actual lessons or activities but I do ensure she can take part safely and thats part of my job as her mum to do.

She has an EHCP, but due to her only using the wheelchair at home it was felt training wasn't needed. DD would need help to get in and out of it, as she's quite small for her age.

Her mobility requirements should be part of the EHCP. My son with muscular dystrophy used his wheelchair on and off for years before he finally became a full time wheelchair user at aged 16. It was in his EHCP to be used " when required" and he never had a TA with specific training to push it, just basic manual handling training for help getting in and out.

I think you are doing a great job OP. Just keep asking your daughter if she is ok with the arrangements.

The other parents sound like dicks.

And I am in my fifties but am well aware of ‘othering’ being a word now! I understand its meaning and actually think it’s quite a useful concept.

I’m guessing their kids have whinged about walking in the rain/cold and asked why they can’t be driven too. But instead of setting their kids straight they are attacking you and dressing it up as faux concern about the impact on your DD. Dicks.

I would be absolutely clear with them that DD gets a lift purely because she could not manage the walk and so would have to miss the outing. Which would be far more “othering”.

So if this was a child in my kids class and my kid asked, I would just say it could be for a variety of reasons, it isn't our business to know anyone elses health needs and to still be nice and kind.

Those other parents are shocking and they need to learn that everyone has different needs and it is nothing to do with them and if their children ask then they should be nice! Unbelievably mean and they are acting like bullies.

You could (not saying should it would depend on loads of things) offer to go in and give a talk about your DD's medical condition and how it impacts her.

You could even include a comment how some of their parents seem to think it is unfair DD gets picked up when they have to walk, but which would they prefer, to walk or to have a life long condition with all the restrictions and medical appointments.

You could include the picture of the 3 children looking over the fence, equal treatment v equal outcomes.

Disgusting response from the other parents. Can’t get my head around anyone behaving like that.

othering - term probably made quite popular by “girl, woman, other” by bernadine evaristo which won the booker prize a few years ago.

sounds like this nonsense. I can't process adults saying a disabled child shouldn't use a wheelchair when needed because poor "Eve" and "tom" are upset

or gets a lift.

What the actual fuck? Where do you live? What kind of people frequent this school?

Honestly I wouldn’t want my daughter around the children of these other parents as they’re awful human beings.

At the very most I could imagine one stupid parent who doesn’t understand your daughter’s condition saying something snide behind your back about how their kid has to walk and get wet which isn’t fair or something…? But to say it to your face? Several of them?

if this happened at my kid’s school the headteacher would go apeshit. There’s zero tolerance for discrimination. Also there’s kids with all sorts of differences and everyone just accepts that there’s accommodations made. This isn’t a fancy school btw. Just a normal decent school.

Honestly think about checking out another school away from these people!

Christ, those other parents need to butt out.

Othering is a perfectly normal word. I wonder if like outwith it's a bit of a regional one. I certainly use it to mean 'setting apart' or highlighting differences.

My son has very similar physical needs and for trips with a long walk the school sends him and a couple of other children plus TA in a taxi. I assume they pay for this from his EHCP budget.

Perhaps the school would be open to this?