Am I othering my DD?

[MedicalIssueForTrips]

DD is 9, School Year 5.

She goes to a school that does a lot within the community; lots of walks to the supermarket, church services (it’s a church school), visits to markets or the post office. She’s also in the choirs so theres a lot of singing in community to.

I am in general happy for DD to take part in all of this, but she has an EHCP due to medical needs and struggles to walk so I’ve taken to picking her up and taking her to wherever the class are going and bringing her back to school (if appropriate) afterwards. School have never said anything about this, in fact they now pre-empt it for certain trips and call me to ask me about it before the letter goes out.

DD gets DLA because of her health needs, so I just use the DLA to cover fuel and parking etc.

For me this feels like a good way of compromising with school. DD still gets the experience of the trip and to learn from it, but I don’t feel uneasy about her going as she may flare up one of her conditions. For me it’s a reasonable adjustment for her condition.

But other parents in the class keep saying that it’s unfair, and I’m othering my child from her classmates. They don’t encourage their child/ren to speak to DD as they have shared experiences of the walks to/from events like this or their children feel jealous they have to walk in the cold and rain where DD gets to sit in a nice warm and dry car. They tell their children it's because DD is babied and they're big grown up kids who don't need to be babied which makes DD feel even worse as they children then repeat that to DD.

If the trip is on a bus DD goes without me as the bus acts as a rest/break place for her if they’re walking and school still put other adjustments in place, so I’m not on every trip.

But I now feel uneasy. The alternative is DD doesn’t go on these trips at all, staying at school and she feels even more different to her friends who went. I am extremely anxious about this as DD is very self-conscious about being different to her friends in any way, she loves it when she gets to go on these trips and her classmates only know about it because DD told them where she is when they’re walking to/from wherever they’re going and she asked me why she couldn’t walk with her friends.

So am I othering her?

Othering is used in social type education such as uni. Has been for years. Describes treatment due to discrimination for a recognised group, can be used for race, gender, sex,disability ect. Not new at all, People who have used it in studies or work will be spreading it in their speech. Very surprised people have not heard of it

Maybe the ones who think it's not fair would be quick to say yes to a lift as a private arrangement then. If you want the offspring of these types in your car at all!

The thing is, with wankers like these other parents, they would just have something to say about that too.

There are a lot of people who really really can’t stand it if they think anyone has ‘got’ anything they haven’t (in this case a child who gets a lift) or if they think anybody is being treated as more special than them…

I knew TWO school support staff who cried real tears because someone else got their own office but they had to share. They absolutely would not accept that the person with their own office had to have their own because she was a social worker working on high risk confidential cases and had to be a) able to see children in a private space and b) have an office no one else could access because of the nature of the paperwork kept in there.

Also @MedicalIssueForTrips don’t inadvertently teach your child she should change or make her life harder just because some people are dicks- she is disabled, she needs reasonable adjustments and it’s no one else’s business! These people are ignorant knobs- your daughter doesn’t need their approval.

It seems that your DD is being othered, but not by you.

Personally I would be inclined to put the parents right at the gate as and when the occasion arises, but I would also book a meeting with the school to see if this could be dealt with jointly.

Otherwise, you're a brilliant mum. Keep doing what you're doing.

This is horrendous behaviour from the parents.

next time I would address it head on and very clearly.

"That is a very ableist comment. Dd could use a wheelchair but no-one at school is currently trained to push, so she isn't allowed to.
Do you think it is unfair for a child who needs glasses to use those in the classroom? Or for a deaf child to use their hearing aids?
Dd is not able to walk any distance.
It must be tough being the parent of an able bodied child who is so unable to be empathetic to another kid and who whinges about having perfectly healthy legs."

But I would ask the school to facilitate the wheelchair.
It will allow her to be involved without you, which as time goes on will be good for her.

And I would ask the school to address this head on as the comments are discriminatory to your dd. They should do some work in class about inclusivity.

I am however laughing at the idea that the TA has to be traine dot push a wheelchair.
Just think how all those parents over the years ahve managed to push a pram without training...

Your DD’s needs sound significant. And the other parents sound fucking horrible. And thick.

it's probably a moving and handling thing Wheelchairs are not really the same as a pram so maneuvering it is different.

I would ask the teacher to address the behavior of the children. They should not be othering your child because of a disability. Some social lessons on compassion and inclusion are needed.

although its ridiculous and discrimination that the school isn't facilitating .a part time wheelchair user.

I'm not a robot. I've heard and used the phrase. I don't think it's that uncommon if you have a child with additional or complex needs

Training in this context in our LA means 15 mins with the OT to show them the best way to use it and support the child.

You both need to find your voice.

"Ohhh, it's so unfair, your treating Medi like a baby. I'm not letting my Precious talk to her!!"
"No Mandy, you know full well Medi has X and me driving means she can take part. I'm happy to send you some literature on it"

"Oh my Mommy said you're a stupid baby and we shouldn't be friends with you"
"Your Mom is wrong, I have X, the lifts help me join in. You're being unkind "

Separate convo with teacher to report to teacher.

If school know about the bullying, what are they doing?

DS is on O2. I go to every trip as his 121 so his 121 can be a TA and take a group of them. None of the kids comment because their parents aren't total arsewipes.

There's nothing wrong in giving her lifts to events to allow her to participate in school life. Her classmate's parents sound cruel.

I'm surprised that you have been accused of 'othering' your own child from her classmates as it's not really a word to use in that context. The children being mean would be othering her, it's not something that you are doing to her. Is this a new way of using the word? Or do people misunderstood what it means? Hoping it's not the new 'brought' ....

which makes it even more disgraceful that the school hasn't done it.
They could train the whole staff at the beginning of a staff meeting, sorted.

I used to go on trips with dd2. It was written into her health plan that I went.
I didn't need to be in her group even, just needed to be there when she was eating, and they usually all had lunch together, as she could get food stuck. At school there were trained adults, and her older sister who was able to say of she was ok. Not on a trip.

No parent ever questioned it, or made fun of dd.

So I do think there is a school issue around inclusion here. Some training of kids. Maybe your dd (if she would want to) telling her classmates about herself?

Me too & I thought I was fairly good with English.

You are making a reasonable adjustment for your child to access the same experiences. The reaction if other parents is absurd and prejudiced.

The only thing that matters here is you child. Is she happy with the arrangement? If yes, then continue as you are. If she would like to join in on the walks then maybe you could explore an alternative adjustment.

You are not serious? You've never heard the term othering? Even if not, it's a pretty straightforward word to work out. The child doesn't walk with them and so is an other not one of them. Which is not true but easy to understand.

I think what you are doing is fine, however please get the school to allow the use of a wheelchair. My DS is 13, and uses a wheelchair on trips, it gives him far far more independence than anything I can do for him, as it gets him away from his mum. He now largely self propels but his friends also push if he gets tired. That is much more inclusive than my driving.

As for training I actually think it is worth anyone who is with a wheelchair user to get used to kerbs, turning circles, breaks etc, as well as basics like taking wheels on and off which is usually easy. It shouldn't be any more of a big deal than telling children not to run. Longer trips we ask that one member of staff knows how to change a bike inner tube, as punctures are a pain!

I am shocked and horrified at these comments from these awful parents.

The parents say it directly to me at pickup and drop off and then DDs had the comments from her classmates as well.

Do these parents/children know that your child has medical conditions that mean she can't walk for any distance?

I would definitely raise this with the teacher. The parents and their children need educating, not necessarily with your child's condition, but how to be a nice human being.

Well it is a newish term but it.isnt unheard of especially on Mumsnet its used quite often

No, sounds like you’re doing everything you can to make sure she gets to share these experiences. Not being able to do them at all would be ‘othering’.
She wants to be included and the travel is a compromise/workaround to let that happen. You’re putting her best interests first and that’s great.