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AIBU?

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Original poster

My family has disowned me after me eloping

60 replies

Justwed2023 · 13/12/2023 11:27

I have been with my now husband for 4 years we have had a baby only 4 months ago. He proposed a week before having our baby.
we set a date just after having our baby for a years time. A bit of background my family don’t get on. My brothers cannot be in the same room as eachother. My mum doesn’t talk to another brother and my sister doesn’t talk to two brothers.
I have fallen out with my sister and mum a couple of times. My mum isn’t very nice to me sometimes example when she found out we couldn’t afford to buy our house she smirked. My sister is very selfish and threatened to not come to my baby shower.
after taking with my now husband we decided all that matters is that we are married. We love eachother and don’t need the stress of planning a wedding so we decided to go to grenta green and not tell anyone.
once married I told my family to which I haven’t spoken to any of them for 3 weeks now. I’m hurt as I feel like they are only thinking of their own feelings and are not happy for me. I’ve been in abusive relationships and finally I’m happy.
I understand they would of liked to have been there but they don’t understand why I did it.

OP posts:
Hereforthebunfights · 13/12/2023 11:30

Sounds like you are better off without them they sound like a nightmare.

simolias · 13/12/2023 11:31

Congratulations on your wedding.

What positives do any of your family add to your life? Just because you are related to someone by blood does not mean they are nice people or should have a place in your life. I would just look forward to a life with your husband and child.

Grimchmas · 13/12/2023 11:32

Honestly? It sounds like a blessing that they're not in touch with you to cause any more drama.

simolias · 13/12/2023 11:32

If you need to explain why you did it then what about messaging your Mum with some of the above, your brothers can't be in the same room, your Mum doesn't like a brother, your sister etc etc.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 13/12/2023 11:33

Congratulations- sounds like you did the right thing!

cstaff · 13/12/2023 11:33

Sounds like you did it perfectly under the circumstances. Congrats also

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 13/12/2023 11:35

So sorry to hear about how your family are. That sounds very hard. FWIW I think you have done absolutely the right thing for you as a couple and that is all that's important.
From what you have written, your families reaction was probably not a surprise to you. Please concentrate on yourself - if they want a relationship then make it on your terms.
Might be worth looking into some counselling too if you haven't already.

Congratulations!

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 13/12/2023 11:39

Congratulations! And good for you, the last thing you’d have wanted was your family wrecking your special day with their awful behaviour.

ace249 · 13/12/2023 11:41

I'm not surprised you eloped with such a toxic family. I also eloped and it still creates sarcastic comments 25 years later! My family sound not quite as toxic as yours.
I've gone low contact as a result, which helps.
And the fact I live 3 hours away!

Perthsmurf · 13/12/2023 11:42

Congratulations OP, I second what others have said above. You have nothing to be sorry for x

BashfulClam · 13/12/2023 11:46

Your wedding is not about family it was about you. I’d leave them to stew. I also eloped and would do so again as I didn’t want all the expense and hassle.

MimiSunshine · 13/12/2023 11:50

Honestly. I’d just message all of them and say that as none of them can be in one room as a whole family group and you couldn’t cope with trying to manage who would and wouldn’t be near each other. Eloping was your decision and the fact that none of you can just be happy for us, shows it was the right decision And you’ll leave it up to them to get in touch.

Marmiteidea · 13/12/2023 11:52

DH and I both come from families like that. It is really difficult. As best as you can you need to carve out your own life and forge ahead with it. Families can be very dysfunctional and difficult, once you accept that and accept the limitations of the relationships possible with in that context things get easier. They will resent you enormously for not going along with the pretense but ultimately you won’t be passing the dysfunction on to the next generation and that is your responsibility in this.

Essentially you need to drop the rope.

pickledandpuzzled · 13/12/2023 11:53

If it hadn’t been about the elopement it would have been about something else.

let it go, let them go.

ActDottie · 13/12/2023 11:54

Congrats! We eloped and was best decision we ever made :) I think weddings are over rated!

Tbh it sounds like your family aren’t very supportive of you anyway so I’d try to think of the positives that you’re married now and have a beautiful baby.

Eventually they may come round but if they don’t from what you’ve said will it really be a massive loss?

WaltzingWaters · 13/12/2023 11:56

Sounds like a big wedding would have been a complete nightmare with a lot of drama. You did the right thing. If your family don’t like that, that’s their problem. Focus on your new little family that (hopefully) doesn’t bring you the toxic drama that the rest of your family does.

Congratulations on your wedding and baby

Tinkerbyebye · 13/12/2023 11:57

Congrats on your wedding

as to your family, be honest, would it have been a good day if they all don’t speak to each other anyway, and your mum is so horrible?

perhaps it’s time to consider what sort of relationship you want for your child with them

do you really want that behaviour in your life?

let them sulk, enjoy Christmas as a newly married couple with your little baby , a new family and a new start

pikkumyy77 · 13/12/2023 12:00

Congratulations!🎈🎊🍾 You can’t force horrible people to be non horrible. If they treat you badly over an elopement they would have been ten times worse to you over the course if a wedding.

Learn to avoid them or be brutally honest so they avoid you. “We didn’t want you jerks to spoil our day so naturally we didn’t include you.”

ManateeFair · 13/12/2023 12:03

A bit of background my family don’t get on. My brothers cannot be in the same room as eachother. My mum doesn’t talk to another brother and my sister doesn’t talk to two brothers.
I have fallen out with my sister and mum a couple of times. My mum isn’t very nice to me sometimes example when she found out we couldn’t afford to buy our house she smirked. My sister is very selfish and threatened to not come to my baby shower.

OP, your family are awful, dysfunctional, unpleasant, drama-addicted people who would have been dickheads regardless of what kind of wedding you had. You are absolutely better off without them. They're not very nice. You do not have to keep nasty people in your life just because they're related to you.

You have a lovely, happy little family of your own now with your baby and your husband. If your mum and siblings are refusing to speak to you because you eloped, then take that as your opportunity to break the cycle of dysfunction and nastiness and step away from them completely. You don't want your beautiful baby to grow up surrounded by relatives who are unkind to each other, constantly fall out and cut each other off all the time. You now have the perfect chance to break away from that.

You mention that you've been in abusive relationships before. I think you need to consider that your relationship with your family is also an abusive one.

Nicole1111 · 13/12/2023 12:07

If they chose to disown you because you’ve married a loving man who is the father of your child then that says a lot about them. You were right to exclude anyone who can’t put your happiness first when it comes to such a big life event. A huge congratulations on your wedding and on breaking the cycle in your own little family.

Jaxhog · 13/12/2023 12:12

Good for you! Your marriage is much more important than a fancy wedding where your relatives bicker at each other. And just think how much money you've saved to spend on much more important things.

35965a · 13/12/2023 12:12

You did the right thing eloping. Let them ignore you, they sound absolutely vile. If you’d had a bigger wedding they would have found a way to ruin it for you, 100%. Focus all your energy on your husband and lovely little baby.

InTheRainOnATrain · 13/12/2023 12:13

Congratulations! I hope you can see that this proves you 100% did the right thing by making your wedding about you and DH and not their pathetic drama.

MerryMissie · 13/12/2023 12:15

Hi op congratulations!!!

Don't know how to vote because YANBU to elope

YABU to care what your dysfunctional and toxic family care!

Focus on our husband and baby and don't focus on the others, create your unit and strengthen that from within

Congratulations again

Ulysees · 13/12/2023 12:16

simolias · 13/12/2023 11:31

Congratulations on your wedding.

What positives do any of your family add to your life? Just because you are related to someone by blood does not mean they are nice people or should have a place in your life. I would just look forward to a life with your husband and child.

Exactly this. Family are accidentally in your life. Friends are chosen. You're better off out of it.