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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family has disowned me after me eloping

60 replies

Justwed2023 · 13/12/2023 11:27

I have been with my now husband for 4 years we have had a baby only 4 months ago. He proposed a week before having our baby.
we set a date just after having our baby for a years time. A bit of background my family don’t get on. My brothers cannot be in the same room as eachother. My mum doesn’t talk to another brother and my sister doesn’t talk to two brothers.
I have fallen out with my sister and mum a couple of times. My mum isn’t very nice to me sometimes example when she found out we couldn’t afford to buy our house she smirked. My sister is very selfish and threatened to not come to my baby shower.
after taking with my now husband we decided all that matters is that we are married. We love eachother and don’t need the stress of planning a wedding so we decided to go to grenta green and not tell anyone.
once married I told my family to which I haven’t spoken to any of them for 3 weeks now. I’m hurt as I feel like they are only thinking of their own feelings and are not happy for me. I’ve been in abusive relationships and finally I’m happy.
I understand they would of liked to have been there but they don’t understand why I did it.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 13/12/2023 12:18

Not unreasonable at all. The family dynamics sound toxic as hell, so you did what you needed to.

Congratulations 🥂

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 12:25

The trash took itself out.
This is a good thing.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 13/12/2023 12:43

Congrats, I hope you had a lovely drama-free day x

SwordToFlamethrower · 13/12/2023 12:44

No downsides here! A wedding with them all would have been awful. Congratulations!

NorthernSpirit · 13/12/2023 13:00

Congratulations on your wedding.

You did absolutely the right thing by eloping.

Your family are toxic - look up ‘FOG’ fear, obligation, guilt. You are in this cycle.

You now have a lovely husband & child - focus on them and go LC with your family. You can not change these disordered of thinking people.

Ponderingwindow · 13/12/2023 13:05

Congratulations on your wedding.

its understandable why you wanted to avoid the drama of a big family wedding.

you may be adding to the drama a bit yourself though. Not speaking to you for a few weeks is not disowning you. They may be incorporating the updated information about the nature of your relationship. They may need to pull back a bit and quietly nurse their upset at missing a milestone event in your life. That doesn’t mean they have cut you off forever.

Butchyrestingface · 13/12/2023 13:08

once married I told my family to which I haven’t spoken to any of them for 3 weeks now.

I wouldn't take it too much to heart. From what you describe, being on no speaks sounds almost like a right of passage in your family.

They'll no doubt come around eventually but would you even want them to?

Congratulations on the nuptials. Flowers

Gillypie23 · 13/12/2023 13:14

Congratulations you did it your way. As you should. Leave them to it.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 13/12/2023 13:17

Congratulations. Sounds like elopement was the right thing for you to do.

3 weeks isn't disowning. Its a fallout. They are cross/angry/upset/hurt. This will most likely pass. Give them some time to get over it.

Or you could decide that this is the break you need and leave things this way.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 13/12/2023 13:22

I'm not sure what the dilemma is, they all sound like horrible people that you should be glad to get out of your life.

saraclara · 13/12/2023 13:25

My family don’t get on. My brothers cannot be in the same room as eachother. My mum doesn’t talk to another brother and my sister doesn’t talk to two brothers.

So you reply to any further contact with

"Mum. Alan and Bob can't be in the same room as each other. You don't talk to Connor, and Danielle doesn't talk to Alan and.Connor. How on earth could I plan a wedding around this level of antagonism between different members of my family? I didn't want any family arguments and blanking at my wedding, so this was the only way to avoid it"

ChrisPriss · 13/12/2023 13:26

Congratulations on your wedding and every happiness for your future with your own lovely family!

Pipsquiggle · 13/12/2023 13:39

Congratulations!

Sounds like you did exactly the right thing for you and DH.

I did vote YABU as your family does seem to be unkind and dramatic so expecting them to act out of character and congratulating you was probably naive.

Blanketpolicy · 13/12/2023 13:51

I did similar, got married quietly and told my family after the event.

They were disappointed they were not there and missed a party but understood because they respected it was our decision. Mum and Dad organised a low key immediate family only BBQ a few weeks later for us (or any excuse for a party) which was lovely (apart from me not being able to drink as pg!).

What you did is not the problem, they are. Lower your expectations of them, keep contact low and enjoy your new baby and your new husband!

Double congratulations!

tattygrl · 13/12/2023 13:55

More people ought to do this, rather than having big social occasion weddings out of obligation and expectation with family and friends who don't like each other and cause trauma and fights.

Original poster
Justwed2023 · 13/12/2023 17:37

I have read through every message. Thank you for all your replies. Xx

OP posts:
YireosDodeAver · 13/12/2023 17:43

Sounds like you did the right thing and if they can't understand how unpleasant it is to be in a room full of them then it's really no loss if they avoid you from now on. Focus on building your life together your DH and don't worry about your nightmare family members.

TheFeistyFeminist · 13/12/2023 17:58

Congratulations on the baby and the wedding.

Dear Mum
I understand why you would have wanted to be there when I got married. Unfortunately with so much anger between family members at the moment, we decided that a simple ceremony for just us felt like the right thing to do.

Maybe one day when things are a bit more settled we could have a reception/party but for now we are concentrating on us and our child.

For those reasons I won't be participating in any further conversations about this.

Love from
Etc

BMW6 · 13/12/2023 18:05

Congratulations OP! Your family sound bloody awful frankly and I have no doubt they'd have ruined your wedding day.

Let them stew and have a wonderful stress-free Christmas with your own little family.

Take no more shit from any of them

Catsknowbest · 13/12/2023 18:06

Congratulations on your marriage. You did absolutely the right thing; don't let anyone make you feel guilty. We're getting married at Gretna Green in May, partly because we live 6 miles away lol but also have complex family dynamics. Hope you have a long and happy future together 😊

Quitelikeit · 13/12/2023 18:07

sounds like you dodged a war tbh!

In a sense you are lucky to be rid of them!

muddyford · 13/12/2023 18:08

I voted YABU as you are, thinking your marriage might change them. But definitely not unreasonable to elope!

Tara336 · 13/12/2023 18:12

Congratulations! Your family look for conflict and drama from the sound of it, who wants that at their wedding? You've done nothing wrong! FWIW I eloped with DH just had us and DD there for similar reasons we had a beautiful day and I don't regret it

SausageAndEggSandwich · 13/12/2023 18:13

Congratulations OP. Hope you had a lovely day.

It's a shame but some people don't have nice, kind or supportive family. Eloping was the right thing to do - I'm sorry they couldn't find it in themselves to be happy for you.

Sometimes the rubbish takes itself out.

Americano75 · 13/12/2023 18:33

Looks like the trash took itself out.