AIBU to struggle with return to work after maternity with all this going on?

[Firsttimetrier]

I went back to work 3 months ago after being off for 13 months on maternity leave. It has not gone well at all and I am really struggling.

Since returning, we moved house and been doing a full renovation for the last 8 weeks which has involved living between family members or living in the house whilst it’s basically a building site. It’s created a lot more stress for me than I thought as we’re doing a lot of it ourselves, so we have no downtime as a family.

As well as the renovation, I’ve had a grandparent have a serious accident and basically went to say my goodbyes to them. Luckily, they pulled through but there’s been a lot of family stress with getting them into a care home etc.

Nursery has been a massive struggle which has caused a lot of separation anxiety for my son and resulted in disruptived sleep. We’ve also had a lot of illness with nursery bugs and one bout of illness resulted in a hospital stay with him on oxygen.

To say the least, I’ve been stressed and my job has taken a hit with how I am performing which has been noticed by my manager. I’ve been upset when she’s asked how I am as I think all the stress and anxiety of life is coming to the surface. I’ve just lost the confidence in myself that I’m any good at my job and keep questioning what I should be doing or if I’m doing the right thing.

AIBU in thinking that returning to work after maternity leave should straight forward and most people slot back in easily?

Did anyone else struggle with the confidence of doing their role? Or is this all a combined effect of everything going on in my life and resulting in some underlying anxiety which I should address?

I think this is normal. I think that it takes at least 6 months to get back into your role properly and for confidence to improve, and that's without the extra stress you've had. Give it time.

A wise friend told me that returning to work is like starting a new job. Changes will have happened even if your job is the “same”. You’re in a different rhythm. Normally when you start a new job it takes weeks to settle in and you can give it your all, not so when you have a child that needs you.

No, it took me several months to get back into it, without the stress you’ve experienced! Hang in there, it’s good to maintain your career and independence and won’t be like this forever.

Hey, I think with the obvious exception of your grandparent, you are struggling because if the choices you made - I say this without snark.

House renovations- notoriously stressful so why start at this big transition in your life?

13 months off is an excellent amount of time? Have you been practicing leaving baby for a few months? It takes some children longer than others to adjust.

It's hardly surprising you are struggling to get back into work. Not because you can't do the job, but perhaps moving into a house that required renovating so soon after returning to work wasn't such a good idea. Illness can't be anticipated of course, so that is shit, but another thing distracting from you settling back in.
Why not speak to your manager and see if you can take a couple of months unpaid leave? It's no picnic for your colleagues or your manager if your are not focused on your work, nor are you happy.

All if this. 13 months off and then back to work is a completely different life. It was always going to be difficult. You've made it more difficult by choosing this house.

You are trying to do too much. Work, small child (two in my case) and a renovation have been too much for me this last few months. I’ve called time on the renovations for a while. I’ve got health issues and have had elderly relative issues as well.
I think you’re spread too thin like I have been. You need to choose what is most important after the dc and get rid of the other one.

I agree with this it is stressful enough returning to work without choosing to add to it

Mo wonder you’re stressed - you have so much on your plate ♥️

it took me months to really get my confidence back at work after maternity leave - I was at sea for at least the first six, and then it took about another six to really get back to where I had been. I feel better than ever now but it was a slow process to get back to business.

Given everything you have said it sounds a really stressful time for you no wonder you're struggling.

I would talk to your manager about he stress you're under.

Could you work part time to give you a little more balance?

@Keeva2017 we were meant to move and do the work back in June, so we would have finished by the time I went back to work. However, the sale process got dragged on and we ended up moving a few weeks after I went back.

We had left our son with grandparents overnight before he went to nursery and he was fine and never had any issues!
He’s been at nursery now for 2.5 months and only just stopped crying at drop off and having to be peeled off of me. The separation anxiety in that sense has eased, but illness and teething have made nights awful and we’re running on broken sleep. DH does his equal share and we split the wake ups and trying to resettle.

I got made redundant in mat leave and got a new local, 2 days a week job when dd was 18 months - husband and mum did childcare for those 2 days so all very easy. But l still found it hard without any of the things going on the that have had to contend with op. Sounds awful but hopefully things improve soon for you.

Returning from 13 months out of the workplace, and settling your child in to nursery, would have been an adjustment on its own.

It's no surprise baby isn't settling. Maybe moving house and starting renovations the minute you returned to work, was shortsighted, but it's done now. If I was in your position, I think looking at hiring workmen to take over from you. Can any of the works be stopped fully, and concentrate on settling baby and getting some rest and a routine?

My concern would be, if I'm contracted to do a job, and I'm not performing, what are the ramifications for that.

I think it's very normal to struggle, but I do find many women are reluctant to talk about it in the workplace. Perhaps for fear of seeming incompetent? I certainly found on my two returns from mat leave that I really found the transition very stressful, but that I felt like I was supposed to just slot back in and get on with it- an impossible task. Pp that mentioned thinking of it as a new job has it right, but your employer needs to have the same attitude - there should be an induction programme!

You've had a lot on and it's understandable that you are stressed. Can you talk to your GP or a counsellor? Can you talk to your manager about reducing duties for a short period?

On my second return to work I initially ended up taking a month off for stress- I actually ended up leaving the job and now am a SAHM at least for the next year as I have zero confidence in myself. I do wish that I had stuck it out a little longer and applied for other jobs - completely ducking out of the workforce was not what I wanted to do but I was so unhappy I felt I had no choice. I left it too long (I was back at work for a year) and completely burnt out- if I had dealt with the stress and unhappiness earlier I might have had a different outcome

It takes time to settle back in for both you and family. It's a new routine and a different type of tiredness and being back in a working capacity uses different skills/thinking that you haven't had to do for a while. You're now balancing home, work and family which is hard. Give it time but if you're concerned check in with gp for peace of mind. How you're feeling is likely to be reactionary to the situation but no harm in checking in with someone!

I remember when I 1st went back after baby 3 asking my colleagues if anyone needed a wee wee before we went left the office 🤦‍♀️ you won't be bad at your job, things will have changed and what you did before without lots of thought will take a bit of time. If you haven't ridden a bike since you were little you'd be able to do it now but it would take a bit of time for you to have confidence in that ability again - a crass example but best I could think of!

not only have you returned to work after maternity leave, that is hard in itself, but you have moved and are living between houses,
that is a huge deal at the best of time.

It’s a really tough time for many working mums. I remember it well and my children are now 25 & 31!

Hang in there @Firsttimetrier you will look back one day and think how strong you were to juggle so many plates and one only occasionally falls to the ground.

@Ploctopus thank you for sharing your experience! I genuinely thought I’d get into the swing of things and be back to where I am after a few months.

I had an “end of year review” which just focussed on my return and got graded inconsistent, which is one up from poor but below good. It’s really hard to take and feels almost unfair.

This is completely normal op, I sympathise. I had a year off and went back just after DD (now 5) turned 1, in the November. We had tears at drop off, poor sleep and constant illness for at least 4 months, during which time my FIL was diagnosed with cancer.

Just as I was starting to get back into the swings of things at work and DD was settled at nursery, covid hit and everything shut down😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫.

It will get better, honestly!

It sounds like you've a lot going on. We're doing renovations and that alone is really tough. It's going to take time for everything to settle but it will.

I'm just returning after nearly 14 months out - it's really hard! I've got two kids, a house that's having repairs done and a recently bereaved so similar levels of stress I would say. It's really hard going and it's hard to return to work anyway after such a long time off. Be kind to yourself.

@headcheffer sounds very similar and I’m sorry for your loss. It’s really taken me by surprise how it’s making me feel.

I think the biggest kick in the teeth is this inconsistent grading, I feel like they want me out and trying to do it kindly.

@Firsttimetrier dont take it to heart too much- your performance is bound to be affected by everything going on. The fact of the matter is work tends to be your focus before kids and after it’s ‘just’ work (or that’s the case for me and many friends). An adjustment is needed both ways but work is still important and needs your focus when you’re there. The Reno will end, your child will settle it’s just a hard time. Hang in there.

@GoonDog this is my concerns too. I hate failing but I’ve just been spinning so many plates and not really realised how stressed and overwhelmed I am.

We were meant to move 2 months before I returned and would have been at the end of the renovations, so less stress but the sale didn’t go smoothly.

We just need to get carpets laid this week and then the majority of the big jobs are done, so we’re on the home straight with the reno and come New Year, there won’t be anything for us to do.

Your review at work reflects how you are performing. It's not surprising with all you have going on, but is not unfair.

Illness after starting nursery is normal
Lack of sleep is normal with young children.
Stress with renovations is normal.
Stress with family illness is normal.

Only the last of these was unpredictable. You need to prioritise caring for your child and doing your job.