AIBU to struggle with return to work after maternity with all this going on?

[Firsttimetrier]

I went back to work 3 months ago after being off for 13 months on maternity leave. It has not gone well at all and I am really struggling.

Since returning, we moved house and been doing a full renovation for the last 8 weeks which has involved living between family members or living in the house whilst it’s basically a building site. It’s created a lot more stress for me than I thought as we’re doing a lot of it ourselves, so we have no downtime as a family.

As well as the renovation, I’ve had a grandparent have a serious accident and basically went to say my goodbyes to them. Luckily, they pulled through but there’s been a lot of family stress with getting them into a care home etc.

Nursery has been a massive struggle which has caused a lot of separation anxiety for my son and resulted in disruptived sleep. We’ve also had a lot of illness with nursery bugs and one bout of illness resulted in a hospital stay with him on oxygen.

To say the least, I’ve been stressed and my job has taken a hit with how I am performing which has been noticed by my manager. I’ve been upset when she’s asked how I am as I think all the stress and anxiety of life is coming to the surface. I’ve just lost the confidence in myself that I’m any good at my job and keep questioning what I should be doing or if I’m doing the right thing.

AIBU in thinking that returning to work after maternity leave should straight forward and most people slot back in easily?

Did anyone else struggle with the confidence of doing their role? Or is this all a combined effect of everything going on in my life and resulting in some underlying anxiety which I should address?

Sounds like the end is in sight, renovation wise. Don't take the poor grading personally, but think how you can improve it for next time.

Could you take a month off unpaid as parental leave or go part time temporarily? (Maybe not helpful in the long term but would give you time to sort stuff at home)

The child illness is normal unfortunately. As is settling in issues. 13 mo is about the worst age to start nursery. All very tiring. The illness will ease off as the weather improves. I'm sure things will get better for you.

A series of vents is the issue here, your work is suffering because of it.

Your work is not the sole cause.

It should get better but I would look to prioritising work, it’s a bit of a warning I agree. The little one will be fine and the illnesses tend to stop after a few months. Have you got back up care in place for when he’s unwell?

Maternity leaves are quite long now, I had 4 months and that felt a bit short but junior colleagues are now off 15 months and then take ages to settle.

@IheartNiles now things are calmer, I’m definitely going to prioritise work. I don’t think I realised how much everything was affecting me, but now reflecting I can feel like I’m on the edge and in a constant state of anxiety, so will reach out to my GP like PP suggested.

@WillowCraft I've been doing 4 days and used annual leave for the 5th, so I don’t think going part time will help. If anything, I think squeezing 5 days of work in 4 days isn’t helping at all, so would only make it worse.

I have Christmas off and we’ve planned to spend it doing normal family activities - no house stuff, no thinking about the house stuff and spend the time relaxing.

I think that will massively help and I’ll have some down time to get back into the right headspace.

I think most people don’t go back to work and move house at the same time. Let alone do the renovation. If I was your manager I’d understand the stresses but I’d also be wondering why you waiting until the end of 13 months off to move and start building work! 13 months is a really long time to have been off.

Work isn’t the problems here. Your life planning and scheduling is, luckily that will pass so I’m sure you’ll be fine but it was a bit nuts to do what you’ve done!

You've gone from a relatively stress free 13 months where you've been home with your child, to work, house renovations (stressfull at any time) the inevitable illnesses, although more severe with childcare and sick relatives. Take that all out the mix, and you'd still have to get used to a different type of day. I doubt anyone finds it easy returning to work when your personal priorities change.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally as I previously mentioned, the sale was meant to go through in June with the renovations planned to finish in September, so wouldn’t have crossed over into work. We actually started the sale process in March but everything dragged on a lot longer than expected!

I agree, it’s not the best life planning but we were already going through it when I returned.

Probably naive of me to also think returning to work wouldn’t be so difficult. I thought I’d just feel like I knew what I was doing, but my confidence has taken a big hit and I don’t feel like I was as good as I was before I left.

I don’t think returning to work on its own would have been too bad. You just need to hang in there whilst all the other stuff passes!

Obviously you got very unlucky with the house sale getting delayed, making the timing about as bad as it could be, so it was always going to be difficult. But apart from that, I’d say your experience is quite normal when returning from maternity leave. It does take a while to get back into it, and to be honest you may never regain the focus and efficiency you had pre-baby. I never did!

But you’ll get your equilibrium back in time, and spring will come, with fewer nursery bugs, so life should get a bit easier then. And the work on the house will eventually get done, so things will get better.

I don't think it's any surprise to anyone really that parents quite often go back part-time to start with, or change and flex depending how it goes! I think you've done pretty darn well considering all that going on.

It sounds like a rest over Christmas is a good plan, only you know whether it will feel achievable to carry on with the hours you are doing in January. Is it worth having a discussion about how ideally you'd like to temporarily reduce your hours until the renovations are complete and is there anyway some of your tasks could be covered for that period? What did they do to cover your work while you were on maternity?

It is often hard going back to work and the stress of settling a baby into nursery etc. You have taken too much on with the house renovation and a new baby, this should have been put on the back burner for a couple of years.

Can I ask why you are cramming 5 days of work into 4? You are on annual leave for the fifth day, so should be doing 4 days of work in 4.

If you had compressed full time hours into 4 days, fair enough, but annual leave is annual leave - you don't need to work extra the other days that week!

@SecondUsername4me that’s just the expectation my manager has set for me to take a day off a week 🤷🏽‍♀️

@Lefthandwoman they hired someone to cover me whilst I was on maternity leave. I had 3 weeks to hand back over from him and then expected to carry on BAU. I think that’s part the problem, there’s an expectation I should be performing as I was before maternity leave, but it feels like a new job and my confidence has taken a hit as I’m trying to get back up to grips whilst expecting to know it all.

Do you have an hr department?

@Lefthandwoman i do. I imagine they’ve been flagged with inconsistent grading, so feel a bit hesitant to contact them about any of this. I did wonder if I should speak to Pregnant then Screwed, but feel like this is my own fault so they won’t be supportive.

I struggled really badly and 10mths later I'm still struggling.

After 13mths on maternity leave I was expected to just pick up where I left off and wasn't given the training I'd missed. One of my kids is always ill and we're renovating a house. My gran died and there's been issues with the will and sale of the house. It's stressful and there's no surprise you're struggling, OP.

Unfortunately I don't think managers/employers grasp how difficult it is for us coming back after such a long time. I have absolutely no idea how to do my job, I've completely forgotten.
My manager thinks he understands because he's a grandad of similar aged kids 🙄

I'm not convinced the cramming of 5 days into 4 and taking a day's leave is entirely reasonable! In a good HR system you would be being supported with regular check ins to monitor progress. Some mums would struggle without the works! I guess you've a choice between testing the water with asking for reduced hours or unpaid leave to complete the works (I think sounds reasonable) or put the works on hold/reduce your expectations but still be firm about your working hours.

Worth a chat to Pregnant then Screwed in any case I'd think, just to be sure of your footing.

Maybe also be looking for a firm with family friendly policies too!

I don’t think it’s really for your employer to tell you how to use all the accumulated annual leave.
I came back part time 4 days a week and yes, did only do 3 days for months using annual leave but that was 100% my choice and made sense for me paying childcare.
But others may prefer to take weeks off at a time and that should be ok too.

I didn’t find it straight forward and I didn’t have all that you do going on in my life. It’s hard going back when you’ve not worked in so long and have a child to think about then add in what you have and I’m not surprised you’re struggling. I hope you can tell your work how you’re feeling and they can be supportive

Hmm, it sounds like your workplace isn’t being very supportive @Firsttimetrier, it’s no wonder you’re struggling.

Did you submit a flexible working request but they told you you’d have to take annual leave if you wanted to work less than full time? I don’t think it’s generally recommended to reduce your hours using annual leave (unless it’s by choice as per pp). There obviously still the expectation you’ll do full time hours as opposed
to it being a 4-day a week role - plus when do you actually get a proper break?!

It's not surprising you're stressed with all of that going on!

The thing that stood out was using annual leave to work four days a week. I've done that in school holidays and the effect is that you just end up doing 5 days work in 4 and don't feel like you've had a break at all.

Can you use the inconsistent rating at work to ask for more support and training to get you back up to the level you were at previously? One of the things I found after maternity leave was that previously I'd stayed late to get things finished, which was no longer an option with nursery pick up. I spent the first few months struggling, then did a productivity/time management course via work, made some big changes and worked much more efficiently. And stopped doing some things because there just wasn't time!

Have you got clear guidance from your performance review about what you need to do? If you haven't, can you ask for this? Can you ask for a mentor at work - maybe someone else who has already successfully navigated the return to work from maternity?

Have a think about flexible working. Would it make more sense to ask for a 0.8 flexible working pattern and then use your annual leave to have a genuine break?

How much leave do you have? Can you take a chunk now rather than 1 day a week and that will give you time to settle your baby into nursery and give you some head space? Then when you go back you can focus on work?

I see your managers perspective in that of course they want you to hit the ground running but as a manager, I know they could be kinder and invest in you by giving you more support.

It's a struggle. Lots has changed and you can't throw time at problems in the same way.