AIBU to struggle with return to work after maternity with all this going on?

[Firsttimetrier]

I went back to work 3 months ago after being off for 13 months on maternity leave. It has not gone well at all and I am really struggling.

Since returning, we moved house and been doing a full renovation for the last 8 weeks which has involved living between family members or living in the house whilst it’s basically a building site. It’s created a lot more stress for me than I thought as we’re doing a lot of it ourselves, so we have no downtime as a family.

As well as the renovation, I’ve had a grandparent have a serious accident and basically went to say my goodbyes to them. Luckily, they pulled through but there’s been a lot of family stress with getting them into a care home etc.

Nursery has been a massive struggle which has caused a lot of separation anxiety for my son and resulted in disruptived sleep. We’ve also had a lot of illness with nursery bugs and one bout of illness resulted in a hospital stay with him on oxygen.

To say the least, I’ve been stressed and my job has taken a hit with how I am performing which has been noticed by my manager. I’ve been upset when she’s asked how I am as I think all the stress and anxiety of life is coming to the surface. I’ve just lost the confidence in myself that I’m any good at my job and keep questioning what I should be doing or if I’m doing the right thing.

AIBU in thinking that returning to work after maternity leave should straight forward and most people slot back in easily?

Did anyone else struggle with the confidence of doing their role? Or is this all a combined effect of everything going on in my life and resulting in some underlying anxiety which I should address?

I'm in my 3rd month of returning after my second lot of mat leave. Felt completely overwhelmed and out of my depth at first (been there years and could do the role with my eyes closed before). Finally getting into the swing of it now but still find myself asking questions!

Takes a while to get back into it definitely.

You are unreasonable to think going back to work would run smoothly, even without the renovation and illnesses. Almost every mother I have ever spoken to post maternity leave has said it took them upto a year to feel back in the groove work wise. Between picking up on changes, managing the differences with being part time (full time email load etc.) and baby brain fog it is a often a struggle. You are also being unreasonable about your poor performance appraisal. It is pretty clear from what you have said in your posts you have not been performing well for various valid reasons. Just get over that part of it, this is the current year appraisal and just a snapshot of the situation now. You can move on from this by working with your line manager (if they are decent). Moving house and renovations are mega stressful at the best of times without chucking a baby and sleep deprivation into the mix! Be a wee bit kinder to yourself, consider some unpaid leave or temporary drop in hours if you can afford it.

I agree. I'm 5 months into a new role and new organisation post maternity and only now am I beginning to feel somewhat settled and like I'm finally bedding in and getting to grips with the job, luckily my employer is super supportive and flexible so it's been actually really important to know they're understanding and supportive when things do go wrong.

It takes a while, the feeling of not being good enough in either work or motherhood really takes it's toll.

Your choices unfortunately have not been the best. You have actively chosen to put everything else above work and it's showing. Choosing to take annual leave to work 4 days a week (why should your work give you less work you're not actually being paid to do less work), choosing to do these renovations yourself (even with a June timeline, that was tight and quite unrealistic).

I'm not saying this as a criticism, sometimes life stuff needs to happen. But you need to own your choices, acknowledge that you and you alone have chosen to put work on the back burner. Take the feedback, take a breather over Christmas, re-prioritize and move on.

Choosing to take annual leave to work 4 days a week (why should your work give you less work you're not actually being paid to do less work)

Annual leave is exactly being paid to do no work

That's the point of it. A days annual leave is a paid day off, so only 4 days of work that week.

I have been back at work almost 6 months and am still massively struggling despite having less on my plate than you do. The nursery dropoffs definitely get easier - it took 2 months of tears at dropoff and usually pick-up but DD is now happily settled and enjoying nursery. However as soon as she got settled in the teething and winter bugs struck and we have all been sick for the last 2 months so I’m feeling burnt out and exhausted. My job is mentally demanding and I just find it so hard to do it well after nights of no sleep and have needed time off sick for me as well - I can’t seem to get better from anything when I can’t rest and get a good nights sleep. Luckily I don’t get graded at work And my boss is generally understanding as long as I do the most important stuff.

I don’t understand the poster who says you should have back up child care for illness. That’s absolutely impossible if you have no family near by and even if you do it’s probably not fair to ask elderly relatives to look after a sick child.

I hope things will get easier for all of us soon! I don’t think I could cope with a house renovation, just moving house recently has been stressful enough!

@wishIwasonholiday10 sounds so similar to us. We’ve just had the first few weeks of no tears at drop off, but then ended up in hospital for 3 days due to bronchiolitis. I think the whole ordeal has traumatised my little one as he’s clingy as ever, but also up a lot in the night with teething pain as a molar and two bottom teeth are coming through. Just seems like we can’t catch a break atm, but hoping the break over Christmas will get us all back on track mentally.

hope things ease for you as well! X

The thing is OP, you haven't just returned from maternity leave, you've returned from maternity leave AND moved house AND been doing renovations AND almost lost s grandparent.

Any one of those things would be disruptive, any two of them more so but probably still manageable, all of those things at once and it would be strange if you weren't struggling.

If you haven't already told your manager about all these major things happening in your life right now, I would. Just say everything has happened at once and you've bitten off more than you can chew but hopefully things will get back on more of an even keel before too long.