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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume the date is off?

71 replies

mimoisturiser · 12/12/2023 21:12

Will try keep this short. Been seeing a guy for past 8 weeks now. All was well, good conversations, banter, laughs, sex. However, noticed him pulling back the past few weeks.

I have initiated and arranged past two dates and I have initiated most of the texts past few weeks. We had a date a week ago on Monday there. Then we spoke on the phone for an hour on the Thursday. We text a bit on Friday and he sent the last text which was one word and did not need a response. There has been nothing since then. I decided to not text due to feeling he is pulling away and to just observe what happens.

We have a date arranged tomorrow night, we have place and plan but not definite time. As I haven't heard from him by this point should I assume we are not meeting?

I know lots of advice will probably be to text him, and usually I'd agree, however, I feel this is an opportunity for me to see how this plays out due to the fact that I have arranged past two dates and most of the texts the past few weeks.

I have babysitter arranged for tomorrow night and giving it's a Wednesday night I don't have any plans I could do instead (friends working/kids etc) so to be honest, I'm thinking I should cancel babysitter but worried he texts tomorrow and I seem crazy and insecure for cancelling.

OP posts:
TicTacNicNak · 12/12/2023 21:18

He's probably seeing other people too OP. I assume you're not exclusive yet?

He's not showing he's keen, or overly interested, so personally I'd bin the date tomorrow and save on the babysitter. He can't be arsed to put the effort in and is showing you who he is.

AntoinetteNoCake · 12/12/2023 21:19

It looks like he’s swerving you, you really need to ask if it’s still on but I’d probably assume that it wasn’t. He’s not very attentive and at this stage should be a bit more enthusiastic than this so I’d say it doesn’t really bode well for the future anyway! I’d move on from this one!

Twistyripple · 12/12/2023 21:19

He's not interested in seeing you again.

Original poster
mimoisturiser · 12/12/2023 21:20

TicTacNicNak · 12/12/2023 21:18

He's probably seeing other people too OP. I assume you're not exclusive yet?

He's not showing he's keen, or overly interested, so personally I'd bin the date tomorrow and save on the babysitter. He can't be arsed to put the effort in and is showing you who he is.

We have spoken about this. We didn't meet online and he says he's not dating others. He is aware that I am chatting and dating others.

OP posts:
WindyHarbour · 12/12/2023 21:21

This may just be his communication style, if so, would you be happy with that long term?

Based on his behaviour so far, do you want the date? If not, tell him you're not feeling it and cancel.

If you do want the date, cancelling the sitter and not telling him in advance just seems like you're doing it for a reaction and isn't a good move. He would likely think it odd or dramatic. Best to just ask him!

Original poster
mimoisturiser · 12/12/2023 21:22

WindyHarbour · 12/12/2023 21:21

This may just be his communication style, if so, would you be happy with that long term?

Based on his behaviour so far, do you want the date? If not, tell him you're not feeling it and cancel.

If you do want the date, cancelling the sitter and not telling him in advance just seems like you're doing it for a reaction and isn't a good move. He would likely think it odd or dramatic. Best to just ask him!

See we have, during the time we've spent getting to know one another, had some silences like this every few weeks. Almost like we both step back to take a breather but I'd usually hear from him by now if date arranged.

OP posts:
Original poster
mimoisturiser · 12/12/2023 21:24

WindyHarbour · 12/12/2023 21:21

This may just be his communication style, if so, would you be happy with that long term?

Based on his behaviour so far, do you want the date? If not, tell him you're not feeling it and cancel.

If you do want the date, cancelling the sitter and not telling him in advance just seems like you're doing it for a reaction and isn't a good move. He would likely think it odd or dramatic. Best to just ask him!

I would still like to meet with him if everything is okay, I like him. However, I don't want to waste my time if he's not interested. If I don't text him and he doesn't text me then that's that. But if I text him and he agrees to go on date, I'll never know if he's just not fussed and wouldn't have bothered if it weren't for me reaching out.

OP posts:
Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 21:27

I'd be more concerned about complete lack of contact between Friday and now. After 8 weeks of dating, I'd expect at least some communication.

As for the date for tomorrow, it might well be that it won't occur to him to actually check on the details until tomorrow night becuase he doesn't pre plan etc. which is fine, but frankly, would irritate the shit out of me. I like to know what's happening and if I was dating and had to organise a babysitter etc, I'd like to know the details so I could plan accordingly.

LadyChilli · 12/12/2023 21:38

I dated someone like this. With hindsight we'd not have got past the first date if I had matched his level of enthusiasm. I wish I had done as I wasted a fair bit of time and emotional energy before I realised he was only just interested enough to keep meeting if I made it happen.

In your situation now I'd cancel the babysitter. If he gets in contact he can't honestly be surprised by that and might realise you can't be kept dangling.

ChesterFoxE · 12/12/2023 21:42

Don't play games! Just ask him?

Let me know if you still fancy XXXXXX night out?

If I don't hear from you, no hard feelings.

Keep it light, simple.....then you'll know either way.

GoldDuster · 12/12/2023 21:43

Cancel the babysitter and cancel the date in your own head due to insufficient interest. In my experience the men who are interested in you make you very aware of the fact, the ones that leave you guessing aren't arsed, you're just making yourself convenient.

Spend the babysitter money on a nice night in for yourself, and save your energy.

Dotcheck · 12/12/2023 21:47

So, you’re dating and chatting with others, but you’re worried that he is not as keen?
Do you think perhaps that he doesn’t want to fall for someone who is still shopping for a partner?
I sure wouldn’t want to date someone who was seeing other people.

JudyC26 · 12/12/2023 21:48

Why not just ask him outright? Rather than playing games just put your cards on the table. Ask him if he’s still interested. Have the difficult conversation because there’s no point in messing about.

Cosyblankets · 12/12/2023 21:52

Dotcheck · 12/12/2023 21:47

So, you’re dating and chatting with others, but you’re worried that he is not as keen?
Do you think perhaps that he doesn’t want to fall for someone who is still shopping for a partner?
I sure wouldn’t want to date someone who was seeing other people.

This

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 12/12/2023 21:54

He's probably had a better offer.

Original poster
mimoisturiser · 12/12/2023 21:56

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 12/12/2023 21:54

He's probably had a better offer.

Lovely

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/12/2023 21:56

It sounds as though you are fuck buddies, If you are dating other people? This isn't going anywhere, so it's time to decide what you want.

Ghostwritersinc · 12/12/2023 21:59

It would just text him ‘the baby sitter can’t do tomorrow night, do you want to rearrange for another time?’
and see where he takes it from there, that way you don’t waste your time or money tomorrow, and if no further communication by the weekend, you have your answer.

StillWantingADog · 12/12/2023 21:59

as you have the babysitter to consider I’d cancel and send him a text with something really bland like “sorry something has come up (at work) won’t be able to meet tomorrow after all” and then make no plans at all going forward putting the ball firmly in his court. Doesn’t sound very promising it had to be said.

Tandora · 12/12/2023 22:03

Hi OP, that’s a tricky one.
in these circumstances I’d cancel the babysitter and as a pp said, cancel the date in your mind.
it sounds like he won’t reach out again , but on the off chance he does you can always make an excuse and rearrange xx

halfpasteleven · 12/12/2023 22:04

Ghostwritersinc · 12/12/2023 21:59

It would just text him ‘the baby sitter can’t do tomorrow night, do you want to rearrange for another time?’
and see where he takes it from there, that way you don’t waste your time or money tomorrow, and if no further communication by the weekend, you have your answer.

I like this option. Good luck OP!

DinoDays · 12/12/2023 22:10

He's obviously not fussed! He'd text you otherwise!

Listen to "If he wanted to, he would" Kylie Morgan!

Sadly he's just not that into you. :(

DinoDays · 12/12/2023 22:10

For love of the wee man don't text him!!!!

Cosycover · 12/12/2023 22:12

No don't text him at all. Ever again.

Cancel the babysitter. This date isn't happening.

But absolutely do not text.

OneAndDon3 · 12/12/2023 22:16

Stop playing games, text him and ask. Then if you go on this date set out your expectations.

e.g. when we go on a date I book childcare and pay for it, therefore I expect you to confirm by x time. If you change your mind it's fine, but I expect you to tell me and not waste my money and time.

This is basic communication and respect you are asking for. It's not rocket science and any person worth your time will respect your boundaries.