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Original poster

To assume the date is off?

71 replies

mimoisturiser · 12/12/2023 21:12

Will try keep this short. Been seeing a guy for past 8 weeks now. All was well, good conversations, banter, laughs, sex. However, noticed him pulling back the past few weeks.

I have initiated and arranged past two dates and I have initiated most of the texts past few weeks. We had a date a week ago on Monday there. Then we spoke on the phone for an hour on the Thursday. We text a bit on Friday and he sent the last text which was one word and did not need a response. There has been nothing since then. I decided to not text due to feeling he is pulling away and to just observe what happens.

We have a date arranged tomorrow night, we have place and plan but not definite time. As I haven't heard from him by this point should I assume we are not meeting?

I know lots of advice will probably be to text him, and usually I'd agree, however, I feel this is an opportunity for me to see how this plays out due to the fact that I have arranged past two dates and most of the texts the past few weeks.

I have babysitter arranged for tomorrow night and giving it's a Wednesday night I don't have any plans I could do instead (friends working/kids etc) so to be honest, I'm thinking I should cancel babysitter but worried he texts tomorrow and I seem crazy and insecure for cancelling.

OP posts:
DinoDays · 12/12/2023 22:16

Cancel the babysitter and if he does bother to text, just tell him that as you hadn't heard from him you've made other plans.

He doesn't need to know those plans are sitting in your PJs watching some shit on Netflix.

Honestly please throw this one back.

Bature · 12/12/2023 22:18

Ponoka7 · 12/12/2023 21:56

It sounds as though you are fuck buddies, If you are dating other people? This isn't going anywhere, so it's time to decide what you want.

No, it sounds like they’re dating. They’ve been seeing each other for eight weeks and getting to know each other, figuring out if they want to continue seeing each other. They could be doing this with multiple people. That’s what dating is.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/12/2023 22:21

I'd cancel the sitter. And if he does text, probably either try and reinstate the babysitting or tell him that it fell through.

Ponoka7 · 12/12/2023 22:29

Bature · 12/12/2023 22:18

No, it sounds like they’re dating. They’ve been seeing each other for eight weeks and getting to know each other, figuring out if they want to continue seeing each other. They could be doing this with multiple people. That’s what dating is.

Show quote history

To me that doesn't sound like dating, just meeting up casually. It's either something casual that the OP wants, or wants to head towards a relationship. Unless you are quite young, after two months of shagging, you should have decided. Whether it's a boyfriend or fuck buddy, you shouldn't be left dangling.

Minglingpringle · 12/12/2023 22:31

Just ask. Games are a waste of time and emotional energy. No reason to assume anything when you can ask.

WildFlowerBees · 12/12/2023 22:34

Don't cancel the babysitter, ditch the date and go and do something nice for yourself.

MadeForThis · 12/12/2023 22:42

Cancel the babysitter. I wouldn't text him. If you does get in touch at the last minute tell him that the babysitter cancelled.

Stupidliefromfriend · 12/12/2023 23:08

MadeForThis · 12/12/2023 22:42

Cancel the babysitter. I wouldn't text him. If you does get in touch at the last minute tell him that the babysitter cancelled.

I'd go with this option

heartbroken40 · 13/12/2023 05:06

Please don't message him. You've initiated for the past few weeks. See if he's keen. If not, he's not the man for you. If you text him now, you'll never know. But please keep us updated. Good luck !

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/12/2023 05:31

If cancel the babysitter. If he texts then you can always say sorry babysitter's sick or something so can't go and reschedule, its very early days he doesn't need to know you were making sure he's still interested.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 06:52

I would normally say not to text, but you need to know because of the babysitter. So I'm with the suggestion to say the babysitter can't do tomorrow night, does he want to rearrange. Then if you don't hear back it won't feel as bad. And I hope you have a lovely weekend :-)

DinkyDonkey2018 · 13/12/2023 07:08

DinoDays · 12/12/2023 22:16

Cancel the babysitter and if he does bother to text, just tell him that as you hadn't heard from him you've made other plans.

He doesn't need to know those plans are sitting in your PJs watching some shit on Netflix.

Honestly please throw this one back.

This is what I'd do. I certainly wouldn't be tying myself up in knots about coming across as "dramatic" when the guy hasn't communicated with you for nearly a week and has been "pulling away" for the past few weeks.

bananamangoes · 13/12/2023 07:12

I think you need to know for sure rather than wondering

Text and say, hi. Are we still on for tomorrow? What time shall we meet as o need to confront my babysitter

cantbecaught · 13/12/2023 07:15

Sorry you're in this situation, sounds crap. I think cancel babysitter and don't be available. Then if he gets in touch for the date be honest and say you didn't seem bothered. See what he says. If he doesn't get in touch, put it down to one of these things and hold your head high, no-one can figure out what is going on in the other person's head so early in and it can drive you mad trying!

icelollycraving · 13/12/2023 07:16

I’d cancel the babysitter. It doesn’t sound like he’s that bothered (sorry!)
If he isn’t dating other people, but you are, perhaps he doesn’t want to do a pick me for a date dance, I wouldn’t.

wite · 13/12/2023 07:30

He's not bothered. Keep dating.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2023 07:31

Is he okay with you dating others while you are sleeping with him? That's not something I would be okay with.

KingofCats · 13/12/2023 07:33

mimoisturiser · 12/12/2023 21:56

Lovely

Show quote history

Perhaps he thinks it’s “lovely” that you’re open about dating others and so has backed off

LylaLee · 13/12/2023 07:35

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2023 07:31

Is he okay with you dating others while you are sleeping with him? That's not something I would be okay with.

'Dating' means different things to different people.

To some, dating means meeting up in public places and getting to see if they have a connection.

Not everyone has sex with people they don't know well.

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2023 07:53

OP, you've been driving the relationship, and this is what you end up with. A man who takes the back seat. Can you imagine how you'd have to run his life if you carried on like this? You don't have to imagine, in fact. Just read MN for a bit.

Men want a partner, not a mother, and you unconsciously put yourself in the mother role when you start taking the lead in the relationship. Men are biologically programmed to do this, and a man who doesn't either isn't interested or is going to coast through life waiting for his new mother to come and take care of him.

Cancel the babysitter and if he does get in touch tell him you've made other plans, as a PP said. This is not 'playing games', it is having respect for yourself and your time.

My time is too precious to spend on teaching another adult the basics of adult behaviour too.

I do think you'll be less confused in future though if you wait for exclusivity before sleeping with someone. Lots of women find their judgment gets clouded by sex and means it isn't a level playing field when you are multi-dating. For instance, if another man was stepping up to make dates, you'd probably have left this one behind, rather then taking over the reins, if you hadn't slept with him.

burnoutbabe · 13/12/2023 08:12

On the one hand he doesn't seem that fussed. Why no weekend dates? You're a Wednesday gal!

In the other you arranged a date/time etc and now you are cancelling as he hasn't texted you early enough to reconfirm.

That seems a bit dramatic and we'd be slagging off a bloke who did similar (arranged a date then called it off when we didn't text him often before it to double check still on). One assumes he has a life and is working during all this time.

I'd assume it was still on and confirm it today. See how this goes then wait for him to arrange next date.

EvilElsa · 13/12/2023 08:17

I'd also cancel the sitter and leave it. Don't bother messaging and see if he makes contact. If he doesn't you have your answer.

RoachFish · 13/12/2023 08:41

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2023 07:31

Is he okay with you dating others while you are sleeping with him? That's not something I would be okay with.

I wouldn't be OK with that either. If you have been going out for two months and you are sleeping together then I would want some kind of committment. Not necessarily a full on relationship but at least knowing that I am the only one you want to be with at that particular moment. I would pull back otherwise and not take it seriously.

Ktime · 13/12/2023 09:10

RoachFish · 13/12/2023 08:41

I wouldn't be OK with that either. If you have been going out for two months and you are sleeping together then I would want some kind of committment. Not necessarily a full on relationship but at least knowing that I am the only one you want to be with at that particular moment. I would pull back otherwise and not take it seriously.

Show quote history

So you would agree a date and venue for a date and then just ghost the person? That’s pretty crappy behaviour, given he knew and accepted OP was dating others.

RoachFish · 13/12/2023 09:15

Ktime · 13/12/2023 09:10

So you would agree a date and venue for a date and then just ghost the person? That’s pretty crappy behaviour, given he knew and accepted OP was dating others.

Show quote history

No, sorry I didn't mean I would ghost the person but I would just be less keen to take the initiative or be the one driving the relationship. I would just put less effort in. He might have accepted that she was dating others at week 3 or something, by week 8 I would assume there was some exclusivity unless it was specifically said that it's a casual relationship.