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Original poster

Advice with Sil - not taking no for an answer

67 replies

NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:48

Sil has said she is doing new year's day at her house and effectively said what time are we arriving at. I replied and said we are busy as I have work to prepare and can't come. She won't let it go- sending lots of messages complaining or saying I can do the work at her house etc.
It will also have to be me doing the driving as husband can't drive. Journey an hour plus. Also have a autistic son who and 1 year that doesn't travel well. I just want to relax and home with children and hopefully get a bit of work done when they go to bed/ 1 year has a nap. And a break from driving.

How do you deal with people that don't take no for an answer. There is also a history with Sil and boundaries - throwing tantrums and emotional blackmail at dh if she doesn't get her way.

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 12/12/2023 14:49

Leave it with your husband to sort? It's his family, let him sort them out.

tomatoontoast · 12/12/2023 14:50

I stop replying.

If I've said no once and they persist I don't engage in a back and forth about it.

If she asks you why you haven't answered you say you did on X date and the answer was and is still no.

Octavia64 · 12/12/2023 14:50

Mute her and don't look at the chat.

Or block if needed

tenbob · 12/12/2023 14:51

“Hi SiL, I’m sorry but we have looked at several ways to make this work and unfortunately with work, naps and the journey there and back it is just not going to be possible to come to yours. I know it’s a shame but there is unfortunately nothing we can do this year and I’m grateful for your understanding. Have fun and catch up soon”

Tinkerbyebye · 12/12/2023 14:52

Just go back one more time and say no and say there is no more discussion on the matter

then ignore

or get your dh to sort her

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2023 14:52

Your sister-in-law can't do anything to you, so that's just ridiculous. Tell her no, one more time, and make it clear that her harassing you about this has to stop. Mute/block her calls and refuse to converse further about the matter.

She will know you're not going to be there when you don't show up.

Changingplace · 12/12/2023 14:54

‘SIL, sorry as we’ve said New Year’s Day doesn’t work for us, we’ll see you another time.’

Then refuse to engage any further/leave it with your DH to sort. How strange to go on at someone who clearly doesn’t want to do something, she sounds nuts!

phoenixrosehere · 12/12/2023 14:56

You told her you couldn’t come and that’s it. She continues, you ignore her, heck, mute/ block her until after the event.

She’s been pandered to for too long from what you’ve said and if your DH gives in every time, you have more of a DH problem.

IncompleteSenten · 12/12/2023 14:56

I've only had this a few times but I find very direct questions work well.

I ask them why they are not respecting my answer.

If I'm feeling particularly bored I entertain myself by asking further questions.

Do you feel I don't have the right to say no? Why is that?

It works.
Very well.
They no longer want to see you at all.
Result. 😁

Grumpynan · 12/12/2023 14:58

tenbob · 12/12/2023 14:51

“Hi SiL, I’m sorry but we have looked at several ways to make this work and unfortunately with work, naps and the journey there and back it is just not going to be possible to come to yours. I know it’s a shame but there is unfortunately nothing we can do this year and I’m grateful for your understanding. Have fun and catch up soon”

I agree with this polite but firm

Original poster
NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:58

Thanks. It's getting dh to sort it that's the problem. He is a people pleaser when it comes to his family and makes excuses for their behaviour. He used to bend over backwards for them and it was never enough for his mum and sister.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2023 14:58

I've said no, please respect that. I will not be replying further on this issue

And do just that. If DH wants to go, he needs to tell you with his own words and work something out.

Original poster
NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:59

@tenbob I might steal that reply 😀

OP posts:
JoanCandy · 12/12/2023 14:59

Let your SIL feel aggrieved, leave her to it. You don't need to go into any lengthy reasons why you won't be there, you've ler her know that you won't be and that's enough.
As for other people not taking no for an answer, that's their problem.

Mumsnut · 12/12/2023 14:59

Maybe DH could take the two kids and leave you in peace to work and relax?

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 15:00

tomatoontoast · 12/12/2023 14:50

I stop replying.

If I've said no once and they persist I don't engage in a back and forth about it.

If she asks you why you haven't answered you say you did on X date and the answer was and is still no.

Exactly this.
She doesn't get to tell you how to organise your day.

ZekeZeke · 12/12/2023 15:05

Mumsnut · 12/12/2023 14:59

Maybe DH could take the two kids and leave you in peace to work and relax?

The DH doesn't drive

canihaveonesomeroses · 12/12/2023 15:08

IncompleteSenten · 12/12/2023 14:56

I've only had this a few times but I find very direct questions work well.

I ask them why they are not respecting my answer.

If I'm feeling particularly bored I entertain myself by asking further questions.

Do you feel I don't have the right to say no? Why is that?

It works.
Very well.
They no longer want to see you at all.
Result. 😁

Oh I love that 🤣

Sproutier · 12/12/2023 15:17

NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:58

Thanks. It's getting dh to sort it that's the problem. He is a people pleaser when it comes to his family and makes excuses for their behaviour. He used to bend over backwards for them and it was never enough for his mum and sister.

well he'd better sort out a taxi then!

Keep it short and preferably have DH do it. I would not mention naps.

greencheetah · 12/12/2023 15:20

I wouldn’t bother responding to any more messages, you have already said no.

Who cares if SIL is angry? She’s not your problem.

Liverpool52 · 12/12/2023 15:22

Same with my in-laws, and I found that if you told them why you'd get "your jobs not as important as you think it is" when I had to work or "well you can cancel that and do it another time".

If I wasn't NC with them, I'd just be saying no and ignoring any further messages on it.

CaineRaine · 12/12/2023 15:31

The next time you should reply “I appreciate you want us there but I’ve already explained we won’t be there and I’ve nothing further to add to that. Hopefully we can catch up in the new year when it’s convenient for all of us”.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 12/12/2023 15:32

"I said no"

And then stop replying.

Your DH can work something else out if he wants to. But your answer is no!

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 12/12/2023 15:38

send DH to the party (maybe with your child/ren) and you stay home and get some work done.

Put your foot down and refuse to budge if you don't want to go for any reason.

DemBonesDemBones · 12/12/2023 15:43

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay and how do you suggest the husband gets there?