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Original poster

Advice with Sil - not taking no for an answer

67 replies

NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:48

Sil has said she is doing new year's day at her house and effectively said what time are we arriving at. I replied and said we are busy as I have work to prepare and can't come. She won't let it go- sending lots of messages complaining or saying I can do the work at her house etc.
It will also have to be me doing the driving as husband can't drive. Journey an hour plus. Also have a autistic son who and 1 year that doesn't travel well. I just want to relax and home with children and hopefully get a bit of work done when they go to bed/ 1 year has a nap. And a break from driving.

How do you deal with people that don't take no for an answer. There is also a history with Sil and boundaries - throwing tantrums and emotional blackmail at dh if she doesn't get her way.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 12/12/2023 15:46

Forward her your first reply, and Don't get drawn into anything else.

If she persists, forward it to your DH every time.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 12/12/2023 15:51

Don't give any reasons. They'll just argue why they're not good enough.

'Sorry, we won't be able to come, we already have plans.'

If they do a buuuttt whhhyyyyyy???

'as I said, we already have plans so can't come'

CatamaranViper · 12/12/2023 15:51

My MIL is the same.

I give our reason for saying no.
She tries to guilt trip
I say "ah no, what a shame! If things change I'll let you know"
She asks again or tries to find a way for it to work
"I just don't think that will work for me/ds/dh/us. Sorry to disappoint!"
Then in the days before I send a more public message (group chat) saying "So sorry we won't be at X. Have a great time and send some photos/tell me about it when I next see you"

HowToSaveAWife · 12/12/2023 15:57

"As I've said, we won't be able to make it."

Repeat ad nauseam.

And if further WHYYYYYYYY persists then just "I've said no X times SIL, please do pick which one of those you prefer and accept that as also a no."

StaunchMomma · 12/12/2023 16:03

NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:58

Thanks. It's getting dh to sort it that's the problem. He is a people pleaser when it comes to his family and makes excuses for their behaviour. He used to bend over backwards for them and it was never enough for his mum and sister.

I guess you just have to make sure DH doesn't bend to pressure, if he's the one that usually gives in. At the end of the day it's you that has to drive so he can't really promise to be there without your agreement anyway.

I think I'd just take the bull(ish woman) by the horns myself, seeing as she's been messaging you anyway, and just say 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us. Thanks for the invitation but we won't be able to make it. Our plans will not be changing.'

End. Of!

ManateeFair · 12/12/2023 16:04

In a similar situation, I have replied: "OK, this is actually getting quite weird now. I've told you I can't come, and that isn't going to change just because you keep asking me, so for the last time: no, I won't be coming. Don't ask me again, please; this isn't healthy."

I appreciate you probably can't be as blunt as that with an SIL, but maybe your husband can?

pontipinemum · 12/12/2023 16:21

Tell her you appreciate the invite but that you really can't make it and that hopefully you all have a chance to catch up in January. If you do like her the 6th of January in Ireland is known as 'womens' Christmas and is a nice day to meet up.

DH can bend all he wants, he can't drive there so not a lot he can do!!

GladioliandSweetPeas · 12/12/2023 16:24

@NewYearSil Did you send @tenbob 's text? What did she say?!?!

Savedpassword · 12/12/2023 16:27

‘No sorry. As I’ve already said, that doesn’t work for us. Hope you have a lovely day and we’ll arrange something for a date that suits us ALL’

Myfirstsecondthird · 12/12/2023 16:32

@ZekeZeke just because he can't drive doesn't mean that he can't take the kids and use taxis, public transport, the sil coming to pick up (if she really wants them) or another family member. If he wants to go... he goes!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/12/2023 16:36

tenbob · 12/12/2023 14:51

“Hi SiL, I’m sorry but we have looked at several ways to make this work and unfortunately with work, naps and the journey there and back it is just not going to be possible to come to yours. I know it’s a shame but there is unfortunately nothing we can do this year and I’m grateful for your understanding. Have fun and catch up soon”

@tenbob has nailed this. Its direct, apologetic and polite but firm.

I wouldn't leave it to DH to sort, because:

  1. It's you she's been messaging.
  2. as you've said he's a people pleaser and will end up doing what they want
  3. You don't need a man to speak up for you

I used to take that advice its DH's family, he should deal with them etc..and of course that's right, he should, but I'd always end up having to get it done myself. Wish I'd had MN in those days!

In the end I decided saying no to unworkable plans wouldn't make me any less The Bad Guy. I do wish that wasn't the case, but now I no longer care what anyone thinks. It's a matter of being confident in your decision in this case you know its the right choice.

And show your DH your message so he gets an idea of exactly how saying NO is done, because he needs practice putting you and your small family's needs as a priority - which is not to say that you are rebuffing his family - it's just saying that you and the babies reasonable requirements get first dibs.

thecatsthecats · 12/12/2023 16:40

Liverpool52 · 12/12/2023 15:22

Same with my in-laws, and I found that if you told them why you'd get "your jobs not as important as you think it is" when I had to work or "well you can cancel that and do it another time".

If I wasn't NC with them, I'd just be saying no and ignoring any further messages on it.

I'd be tempted to reply "you're not as important as you think you are".

At a basic level, we make things happen if they're worth the effort.

MIL keeps telling me her friends and extended family are "desperate" to meet our baby, except they're not desperate enough to abide by our suggested times or dates, and some cancelled after arranging.

(FWIW we've had regular visits from direct family, but I'm not faffing around accommodating random extended family who aren't bothered enough to put themselves out).

noooooooo · 12/12/2023 16:44

Hi SIL

thanks so much for the lovely offer but it’s just not going to work. Hope you have a great time and see you in 2024!

YMMV but I wouldn’t explain or apologise to an adult who has tantrums when they don’t get their way, seems to set them off more.

she could offer to come and get her bro/ nephews/nieces and help him look after them. Let’s see if her desperation extends to that 😂

Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2023 16:44

Tell DH he can go, with the DCs
Yes, he can't drive
So he will either find a way to travel if he really wants to go or find his balls and say no if he's not actually that fussed about it if he has to make the plans.
Opt out of the heavy lifting, then see if DH is such a people pleaser if he has to do all the running.

Lurkingandlearning · 12/12/2023 16:48

“If it’s really important to you DH can go, but you’ll have to pick him up and bring him home.”

Anisette · 12/12/2023 16:51

Why do you have to prepare work on New Year's Day?

TomatoSandwiches · 12/12/2023 16:56

I just ignore repeated attempts at trying to question or emotional manipulation.
It rarely happens these days because everyone I've known long term already knows if I say no I mean it.

Original poster
NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 17:05

@GladioliandSweetPeas not texted her yet

@Anisette work is preparing for a conference that I need to attend first week of January

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 12/12/2023 17:28

You've said you're not coming. Ignore all subsequent messages. She'll get the message eventually!

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 12/12/2023 17:38

You just don't go. You have made your position clear.

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2023 17:43

NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:58

Thanks. It's getting dh to sort it that's the problem. He is a people pleaser when it comes to his family and makes excuses for their behaviour. He used to bend over backwards for them and it was never enough for his mum and sister.

Well, as he can't drive (is it possible for him to learn?) then ask him how he expects to get there

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 12/12/2023 17:43

DemBonesDemBones · 12/12/2023 15:43

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay and how do you suggest the husband gets there?

Presumably he can do whatever other non-drivers do. You know, what with being a grown man and all.

Borangejuice · 12/12/2023 18:03

How do you deal with people that don't take no for an answer

Just ignore them. Do you actually think that she is going to come to your house and kidnap you all? Of course she isn't, so you stay home and get on with whatever it is you need/want to do and she deals with the fact that when you said you wouldn't be coming you actually meant it.

He is a people pleaser when it comes to his family

No he isn't. YOU are his family. YOU are a person. Why doesn't he want you to be "pleased".

Spirallingdownwards · 12/12/2023 18:06

tenbob · 12/12/2023 14:51

“Hi SiL, I’m sorry but we have looked at several ways to make this work and unfortunately with work, naps and the journey there and back it is just not going to be possible to come to yours. I know it’s a shame but there is unfortunately nothing we can do this year and I’m grateful for your understanding. Have fun and catch up soon”

Don't even bother saying this. It gives her ways to give solutions.

You just say I have already said we can't come. If your DH does want to go let him work out how he gets there (and takes the kids if he wants them to go to). Clue - he doesn't drive SO I bet he won't.

AdoraBell · 12/12/2023 18:06

You’ve said No, leave her to it and don’t go. When she complains remind her that you said No.