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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice with Sil - not taking no for an answer

67 replies

NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:48

Sil has said she is doing new year's day at her house and effectively said what time are we arriving at. I replied and said we are busy as I have work to prepare and can't come. She won't let it go- sending lots of messages complaining or saying I can do the work at her house etc.
It will also have to be me doing the driving as husband can't drive. Journey an hour plus. Also have a autistic son who and 1 year that doesn't travel well. I just want to relax and home with children and hopefully get a bit of work done when they go to bed/ 1 year has a nap. And a break from driving.

How do you deal with people that don't take no for an answer. There is also a history with Sil and boundaries - throwing tantrums and emotional blackmail at dh if she doesn't get her way.

OP posts:

furtivetussling · 12/12/2023 18:07

NewYearSil · 12/12/2023 14:58

Thanks. It's getting dh to sort it that's the problem. He is a people pleaser when it comes to his family and makes excuses for their behaviour. He used to bend over backwards for them and it was never enough for his mum and sister.

If he's such a people pleaser, how come he doesn't want to please you, his wife?

Spirallingdownwards · 12/12/2023 18:09

DemBonesDemBones · 12/12/2023 15:43

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay and how do you suggest the husband gets there?

How does he get to places on other days the OP isn't free? He's a grown man not a toddler.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 12/12/2023 18:11

Text her off dh's phone with his consent... Bet she listens then...

WhatWouldHopperDo · 12/12/2023 18:37

I learnt a technique on here years ago for when kids pester over and over for something you've already said no to- the poster called it asked and answered. Basically every time they ask again you say 'You've already asked me and I've already answered' and walk away.

Maybe this will work on SIL?!

BMW6 · 12/12/2023 19:00

I'd give her the Phoebe response

"Well I would, but I don't want to"

idontlikealdi · 12/12/2023 19:27

Ignore. Your sil can come and collect your DH if she wants him there that badly or he can figure out hiw to get himself there with ds and you get a day at home.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 12/12/2023 20:08

DemBonesDemBones · 12/12/2023 15:43

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay and how do you suggest the husband gets there?

How does he get anywhere anytime ? Public transport, taxi, phone a friend ..... It's not Ops responsibility to ferry him places.

Is there a medical reason he can't drive? If not he needs to get off his fat lazy arse and learn. ........ If there's a medical reason I take the previous sentence back.

NaughtybutNice77 · 12/12/2023 20:12

Pootles34 · 12/12/2023 14:49

Leave it with your husband to sort? It's his family, let him sort them out.

This. She can come and pick him up if he wants to go

LeggyLegsEleven · 12/12/2023 20:14

New Years Day is a no travel if possible day for me! I love the quiet and hanging at home (and maybe being slightly hungover).
id tell your DH he is more than welcome to go and take the children, you won’t be then. Don’t offer any solutions or suggestions on how he manages that.

Hatty65 · 12/12/2023 20:20

I'm with the 'I've already said, No, sorry we can't' crowd.

I'd simply ignore any further texts and not reply. She's had her answer.

I'm also happy to say 'I just don't want to,' like Phoebe. I'm old and can't be bothered with taking shit off other people.

tescocreditcard · 12/12/2023 20:22

"How do you deal with people that don't take no for an answer."

I just say no and move on. Wouldn't bother answering any further messages on the subject. If someone doesn't listen then there is no point talking to them.

StaunchMomma · 12/12/2023 20:23

I'm with the 'I've already said, No, sorry we can't' crowd.

Hard agree.

She'll push for reasons because she'll want to dismiss them. The less detail the better with these things. Sorry, as I've already said we have plans and will not be changing them.

Olika · 12/12/2023 20:24

Changingplace · 12/12/2023 14:54

‘SIL, sorry as we’ve said New Year’s Day doesn’t work for us, we’ll see you another time.’

Then refuse to engage any further/leave it with your DH to sort. How strange to go on at someone who clearly doesn’t want to do something, she sounds nuts!

This. Just cut all drama out once and for all.

FinallyHere · 13/12/2023 11:46

How do you deal with people that don't take no for an answer.

Tell her once, then nod, smile and ignore.

She doesn't have the power to make you, indeed would need you to drive your family to her party. You don't want to do that. Thank her and be clear (once) that you wont make it.

Then nod, smile and ignore.

What can she do?

FinallyHere · 13/12/2023 11:47

just have to make sure DH doesn't bend to pressure

The DH can't drive. What's he going to do?

MarvellousMinnie · 13/12/2023 11:54

@IncompleteSenten
That's perfect. I am totally stealing this approach to my mum who becomes deaf when I won't simply follow her instructions.

jumpingjackrabbit · 13/12/2023 12:25

Anything to do with my SIL I now leave to DH. I refuse to engage in her dramas and anything we jointly decide it is down to him to communicate. Let DH communicate to her and do what you want to do. She can't force you or emotionally blackmail. Hopefully DH will have your back.

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