To carve the time out and to hell with everyone else.

[AnotherCoffeeNow]

I suspect my DD9 has all the traits associated with having autism spectrum disorder. I know girls mask and home life after school is abysmal.
She is now violent. I have not had a day since July where I was not hit by her.
She's strong and hits hard, she kicks too.

DD( is refusing school, refusing homework and has the sanctions at school as a result. School believe her behaviour is fantastic and it's a home issue for them. The SENCO is on maternity leave and there's no replacement at the moment.

I am exhausted and I no longer have patience. I dream of running away and then chastise myself for thinking of life without the children coming first.

DH is in the midst of a long-term depressive episode. He has medication but has checked out of family life. You can't talk to him about anything deep - about the children, it's very much a here and now thing. 'It's raining, take a coat' type of thing.

I have big headaches straight after an episode with DD9. I am feeling blunt towards here rather than empathetic. I was hit a lot as a child and my dad was a violent drunk so I find myself being numb for hours and not being able to function at work.

We had a private diagnosis for ADHD, she refuses the medication and resorts to being violent or throwing the pill down the loo. Consequences don't work. Positive reinforcement does but it's a long drawn out agony to get her to do anything. I feel so guilty at having to manage her and not spending time with the five year old.

I am the breadwinner so reducing work hours is not an option. I went up from 3 days to 4 days last year and now it's five days.

My AIBU is to know is it selfish to just disappear one evening a week and leave the kids with DH. They might just be stuck on screens and do no homework/ no bath etc. I know he has no tolerance for them and is constantly irritated by them (and me). They won't feel great but I'd get to be not responsible and could do something else.
Even if I sit in the car somewhere with an ereader somewhere and have a Costa coffee.

If you need someone to give you permission to look after yourself then you definitely have it from me! Sounds like you need a break and I don't see anything wrong with what you want to do. You seem to be taking on the lion's share of everything and I think it's important you get some time to yourself or you'll go under too and then where will the family be? As long as your DH can keep them safe and fed then that's all that matters for that one night, definitely take some time to recharge a bit, I think you definitely deserve it!

As long as the kids are safe, take the time you need. I didn't, and I now hugely resent my DH for leaving me to battle on with it (even though I know I should have spoken up).

Take the time you need.

Put your own oxygen mask on first.

If she is being violent that is very difficult to cope with.

Take the time that you need.
As DH isn't engaging with her she may well find the lack of demands helpful.

An evening of screens without a bath won't kill them, but not getting any kind of respite from this awful situation may well do harm to you. And then where will you, and indeed they, be?

Is your husband taking any measures at all to manage his depression?

As the saying goes “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Go. Don’t wait until your cup breaks.

Do you know @AnotherCoffeeNow i think you should give some evenings of screens and virtually no expectations when you are there too. It sounds like you are right at the edge of breaking point. You need to prioritise yourself in this too.

The ASD/ADHD profile you are dealing with sounds very much ODD /PDA in presentation. Huge anxiety around expectations and demands and the corresponding behaviour. In my opinion that is the hardest version of ND out there to manage. You need to mind yourself too.

Go for it, everyone needs a break sometimes. If it helps, a lot of autistic and adhd folks use screens to regulate, so you would be being positively virtuous by letting her have it for a night while you are out.

Can you afford a private autism assessment? It would help you to understand what you are dealing with and techniques to help. Lowering demands has definitely helped my audhd 9 year old. He is rarely violent to me, so not quite the same situation. School battles are a whole other thread!

I agree with everyone else, that's a lot on your plate for one person to deal with and you can't go under but you need time out to re-wind. Hopefully your husband is getting the help he needs but he is expecting you to do the Lions share and that's not fair. Think of something you can do that you'd enjoy for yourself and have that time to yourself whether he likes it or not. My husband has PTSD (ex military) and that's no excuse as far as I'm concerned, people with PTSD go into themselves, it's a horrible illness and I have huge sympathy because I've been there but to look after him and your children you need to be well and healthy physically but that includes mentally as well. My vote, take that time out for yourself and your sanity.

You can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to do what you need to do to function.

You need a break. You have to do self care or you burn out.

Then I'd look into PDA

Tbh can you parent a SN kid with a husband who can't handle adult life? It's a burden that you don't need to pick up and probably is because of undiagnosed SN himself

YANBU at all, you need to be functioning for their sake as much as anything. Get your downtime.

School refusal is a horrific issue to deal with, the stress of it all can tear families apart. There is very little in the way of help and support, you are basically on your own with it. A lot of the coping techniques do not work.
Have you looked on the Not Fine At School Facebook group? So many parents all in the same boat. You should get some help and support from there.

Even when I was the breadwinner I had to stop work to care for my autistic DS. It was a change in lifestyle but with DLA and UC/carers allowance we got by. Meant I could get a break during every school day where I could read, go to the gym, go to the cinema and mooch around town and not have to worry about anyone but myself. Though if your DD is school refusing then it might not be possible. You just have to put your own self care first sometimes, and be bold about taking steps to achieve it.

Yes of course you should take an evening a week. There's an adult at home.

Don't sit in your cold car. Join a class or group that soothes and nourishes you. A yoga or creative writing class or a meditation/sound bath/5 rhythms dance if that sort of thing would soothe you. Or something more practical - a craft or skill-based class to focus on what you enjoy learning.

But as PP said, take more time than that. Have some no bath/screen-heavy evenings when you are at home too.

Explain to teachers that there are homework melt downs. When DD is calm, ask unemotionally if she would prefer to join an after-school homework club (if one exists) or whether she's happy to skip homework and get lower grades, as you are no longer willing to enter into battle over this. Let her know you will support her in any appropriate way if she comes to you and says she's changed her mind and now wants to get back on track. But you are not her punchbag.

If your DH is at home, as soon as DD hits or kicks you, remove yourself from the room, and call out aloud to him: DD has hit me. I am not a punchbag so I am leaving the house now.

Then leave the house for as long as you need - an hour or an overnight.

Make it very clear that DV is DV however young the perpetrator. You don't mention her attacking her dad...

I have an ASD diagnosed daughter with probably PDA and a depressed husband. I strongly suspect DH has ASD too, he acknowledges social anxiety but refuses to engage in any further discussion.

My DD is very different in that she explodes at school, she can’t hold it until she gets home. This is why she was diagnosed at 8. Luckily she is better at home, no violence but explosive mood swings. I would recommend reducing all demands at home. I wouldn’t be bothering with homework at 9. Can you get your local SENDIAS involved to support you with school. School shouldn’t be punishing a child with SEN for not doing homework.

Do you have any local support networks. We miss out on lots of these things due to work but have a couple of active local FB groups for ASD/ADHD where parents can share local advice and resources.

In answer to your question yes to a night off. But do something where you can connect with people. I swim in the sea, sing in a choir and occasionally go out dancing and drinking with friends.

This is simply too much for you to cope with and you will have a nervous breakdown. Refer yourself to social services and ask them for an assessment, the concern being the effect of continued child on parent violence on the 5 year old. Get DLA for your DD and get carers allowance for yourself and give up work. take your daughter out of school and apply yourself for an EHCP for her to get into a specialist facility for school. Make sure your husband is claiming everything he needs re PIP. Your family is in crisis. Its time to pull out all the stops and use all the support there is to get through this and get the financial and educational support you and your daughter need.

You have my permission, for what it's worth. And my best wishes. It sounds like a nightmare. I have known others in a similar situation. Can you tell your GP what's going on? I know someone who's been through something similar and found antidepressants helped. It's not a solution to the problem but if it helps you survive...

I live with a man who is bipolar and has very severe depressive episodes.I got to the point where I was carrying so much it was making me ill and it was nowhere near what you are carrying OP. Funnily enough it took me threatening to walk out on all of it to prompt my dh to get proper help. Whilst I know he cannot help these episodes he cannot check out of family life and I told him so. He learned very quickly that when he felt himself slipping he has to be on the ball and deal with it.I cannot be his carer too. Maybe call a family meeting and tell all your family you have had enough.You will gladly help all of them but stress your need to be loved and looked after too. It wouldnt hurt to shock them a little to remind them that this ship will go down fast without you so they too have choices(however limited in capacity) to make . I frightened my lot here and they knew I meant it maybe its time for you to do the same. I wish you well it isnt easy I know.

Absolutely do it.

And then do what another poster said above:

"If your DH is at home, as soon as DD hits or kicks you, remove yourself from the room, and call out aloud to him: DD has hit me. I am not a punchbag so I am leaving the house now.

Then leave the house for as long as you need - an hour or an overnight.

Make it very clear that DV is DV however young the perpetrator. You don't mention her attacking her dad..."

And definitely do not give up your job.
Your DH can do that instead, and take care of the children.

Do it and do it regularly.

He doesn't need to parent the same way as you, although the bar is high for mums with depression and children but that's an argument for another thread.

OP, your daughter is only young take care of yourself. Give them tablets if you need too, do what you need to get yourself back as long as their safe, clean and fed a few hours to yourself when you need it won't hurt and do not feel bad for it.

When you can apply for an ehcp and as part of it ask for a social care assessment/ respite. This maybe a long fight to get and to get right so in the mean time your LA should have a local offer online with details of short break provision. There should also be details of any carers hubs/ parent carer forums which maybe helpful too. Sometimes just talking to other parents who get it can help.

If/when you apply for an ehcp ask for her to be assessed for autism. They should do this as part of the ehcp needs assessment so it'll be on a timescale.

School refusal means she isn't having her needs met in her current setting. Rather than using 'school refusal' use the wording 'not having needs met at school' it puts the responsibility back on school/ la rather than on you and her. This can be used as evidence too.

I put a lot of 'shoulds' in that post as many La's are rubbish with ehcp's and helping parents.

There's a Facebook group called not fine in school which may be a good group for you to get into contact with parents in a similar situation.

When you're ready, sossen and ipsea are the goto for the ehcp. Contact a family may be a good place for help with a carers/ social care assessment.

You're in an incredibly stressful situation and you're doing amazingly well holding everything together.

I'd say with a partner at home you should be having at least two evenings not just one. If you don't get any couple time I'd be pushing for 3.

I also have a violent autistic child. Partner got depressed and checked out of family life right when times were hardest- I was supporting everything and everyone and got nothing back. I nearly had a breakdown and no one helped. I left my partner in the end. Doing everything single is no harder. Actually it's easier because I get a full 48 hours solid time with no kids once a fortnight. And apparently being a single parent gets more understanding from support services when you have a partner they seem to assume you get support.

One evening a week just for yourself won't be enough. Your partner needs to step up

Do it!!