To carve the time out and to hell with everyone else.

[AnotherCoffeeNow]

I suspect my DD9 has all the traits associated with having autism spectrum disorder. I know girls mask and home life after school is abysmal.
She is now violent. I have not had a day since July where I was not hit by her.
She's strong and hits hard, she kicks too.

DD( is refusing school, refusing homework and has the sanctions at school as a result. School believe her behaviour is fantastic and it's a home issue for them. The SENCO is on maternity leave and there's no replacement at the moment.

I am exhausted and I no longer have patience. I dream of running away and then chastise myself for thinking of life without the children coming first.

DH is in the midst of a long-term depressive episode. He has medication but has checked out of family life. You can't talk to him about anything deep - about the children, it's very much a here and now thing. 'It's raining, take a coat' type of thing.

I have big headaches straight after an episode with DD9. I am feeling blunt towards here rather than empathetic. I was hit a lot as a child and my dad was a violent drunk so I find myself being numb for hours and not being able to function at work.

We had a private diagnosis for ADHD, she refuses the medication and resorts to being violent or throwing the pill down the loo. Consequences don't work. Positive reinforcement does but it's a long drawn out agony to get her to do anything. I feel so guilty at having to manage her and not spending time with the five year old.

I am the breadwinner so reducing work hours is not an option. I went up from 3 days to 4 days last year and now it's five days.

My AIBU is to know is it selfish to just disappear one evening a week and leave the kids with DH. They might just be stuck on screens and do no homework/ no bath etc. I know he has no tolerance for them and is constantly irritated by them (and me). They won't feel great but I'd get to be not responsible and could do something else.
Even if I sit in the car somewhere with an ereader somewhere and have a Costa coffee.

What would your DH do if you weren’t there to manage everything? He’s allowing your DD to be violent towards you when he should be stepping in…in my opinion that’s no better than him hitting you himself.

I also have a ND daughter (sounds like a similar presentation) who was violent. She was at her worst around age 7 or 8 and now at 10 (after a lot of support, diagnosis, therapy) is a lot better.

She went for both me and DH physically but I got more of the verbal abuse.

I participated in someone's PhD about child violence to parents. Most of the girls grow out of it by 10, at least based on their sample.

Definitely do whatever you have to, to get support.

My work colleagues were really kind.

My family, not so much.

DH and I did some NVR training which was very useful. Yvonne Newbold has good resources about it on Facebook. We used New Leaf NVR.

Good luck and 💐. None of this is your fault.

You are being unreasonable if you DON’T do this for yourself, you absolutely must!

Could you switch to one of the ADHD medications which can be crushed or dissolved in water?

@NonPlayerCharacter DH thinks he is sorting his depression and lifestyle out but I see limited impact. He has got himselh ok-ish for work and his own stuff. It feels to me that everything linked to family life - me, kids, home has been abdicated. He's increased fitness stuff and does rugby each week.

@Waynesplanet Yes you are right. I'm in fog at the moment, muddling along slowly through each day and I think this is linked to me getting more and more tired. I force myself into bed to get some proper sleep but still wake up tired, wired and trying to remember what I might have forgotten for the day.

We are on a waiting list for an assessment with a very good children's psych who deals with neurodiversity. It's about 5 months away. It feels close but so far off though. Probably because I'm tired.
Our GP said we didn't meet the threshold despite the violence. I've shown bruises and bite marks to the GP, to show the escalation and how clearly DD9 needs help. I've also tried our former health visitor because she's known to be a good advocate for ASD pathways locally in the CCG.

@TheIsleOfTheLost Yes! One of the huge problems is that the school insists this is a relational/ home environment issue. Some aspects of home life are going to be inducing anxiety I think for DD9. Having a parent who is constantly irritated by both kids is hard.

@PoppyCup DD9 has never hit her dad. She's thrown his trainers across the hallway but not at him. Not touched him or broken his stuff.

Absolutely do it and more! A morning at the weekend also.

Goodness, you've got it tough.

@PoppyCup I am currently trying to negotiate with school around homework deadlines and the volume of homework. There are no adjustments made for her and we have a report from the ADHD psychologist about what the school should implement. I've escalated it from the class teacher to the head of year who also ignores it. It's currently sat with the deputy head who tells me that they have alot on for the Christmas schedule. I'm sending the same email each day now. This is a welfare priority and we need a meeting before the term ends.

The only consideration would be is DD5 safe at home with her sister without you?

If yes then go for it.

If no, I'd look at something like Beavers, leave early, drop and run, then go home slowly.

What's the sanction for no homework?

Stop.

Just stop.

Take a moment and pause.

It's very easy to get lost in the fog.

Now, what will happen if you don't make her do things?

She won't do homework. School will notice and sanction her. So now they see that there is something wrong.

She almost certainly won't like the sanctions. She will start acting out at school. So now school will support you with referrals.

This is a good thing

What does she actually need, day to day? She needs food. Ideally she goes to school.

Is she also resistant to getting showered etc? Mine was. If so, stop making her and when school notice tell them that she won't do it. Then again, they will support you more,

Drop the rope. It's not worth the violence.

Also, you do NOT need permission from school for her to stop doing her homework.

Just stop doing it.

They'll work it out soon enough.

Do it OP.
your child sounds like an absolute nightmare and your husband pretty pathetic. So sorry life has dealt you this hand.

Absolutely take time for yourself. Your DH needs to step up, you can’t go on being a punch bag. I’m sorry to hear that you are having such difficulty accessing the right support for your dd, it shouldn’t have to be this hard.

You sound absolutely burnt out. I'm so sorry.

Don't negotiate with school. Just don't do homework. Tell the teacher if you want, the head can bring it up with you not the other way round. They're being less that helpful it would seem; take care of you and yours before their ratings or whatever the fuck they're bothered about.

And absolutely take time for yourself. A lot of it.

Absolutely take care of yourself.

I'm sorry for all the stress you've had

I would do it, but I'd take my younger daughter, too. I'd do something she enjoys and have a few hours without shouting or violence, so that you can both relax. Then when she's asleep I'd have a long bath and a relaxing evening.

If you can afford to (and can you afford not to?) I'd do it every week.

We gave up trying to "make" our ADHD/ASD daughter do homework in year 2 after she was diagnosed (up till that point we pretty much did it for her or had two hour battles - pointless and upsetting). We spoke to the head about it directly.

Now in year 6 she does do most of it, minimally, generally at the homework club.

She still won't read though whatever we do (I do bits of sneaky functional reading...oh I've forgotten my glasses again...what do these instructions say?)

Sorry for not responding sooner. Both DD5 and I've had a horrid vomiting bug since Tuesday.
I've had the cliff-edge chat with DH about how I feel, the disparity in responsibility and that he is 100% responsible for his own health and 50% responsible for the children.
I can only do 100% of my 50% but right now I'm doing 90% for both of us. He used to be an engineer so I thought using numbers would work.

He resorts to being defensive, that I never recognise all he does, actually I shout at the kids too. I do shout - things like, stop, stop you're hurting when attacked but not for any other reason. I feel I am burnt out by him not listening. He lets out a big sigh and rolls eyes or shuts his eyes when I am talking. Almost like he is shutting me out. Well I feel shut out.

So I have told him I'm close to a nervous breakdown. He doesn't care or won't care.

I have booked swimming slots of me and DD5 next week after school when DD10 is at a friend's house for a couple of hours.

I've decided to do nothing for him. No present. No helping sort gifts/hampers for his side of the family. No getting in that ale that he loves.

Maybe this is petulant. I think I'm past caring.

@Octavia64 There's no resistance to showering but she loves a bath and it helps with the winding down time in the evening. She likes me sitting in the bathroom with her. I perch on the closed loo and chat about weekend plans, things I've seen in the shop she might like, books, tv, basically nothing that places any demands on her.

@SleepingStandingUp Sanctions for no homework are loss of breaktime, loss of playtime after lunch and written warning. Warnings go in a record book and then the leadership get involved. I don't know what has actually happened beyond that.

@Phineyj Thank you for recommending NVR, I will look into it over the weekend.

@AmethystSparkles I have asked DH this quite often. Usually when there are bruises on me or marks from DD. He either walks out of the room or repeats what I have said back to me but in a mocking tone. I feel it's a way of shutting me up.

Have you asked the school if she can have ELSA? If they don’t think she needs it make a diary of her behaviour or call them with a report every day and make them listen.

Call your local family centre and ask for a family support worker - you need some help.

Take parenting classes, classes for neurotypical children and SEN.

Go to the GP and tell them she needs counselling (can you afford private).

If these people don’t listen tell them again, again and again you need help. I have SEN children and I have to advocate hard to get them the right help.

I am SEN no one advocated for me, your DD sounded a lot like me as a child and I’m only being my ASD diagnosed decades after. My mum just painted me out as an awful child, my childhood was horrible.

I really, truly feel for you, there is help out there but you have to fight for it. If you’re feeling defeated when trying to get it, think of DD and keep going.