To carve the time out and to hell with everyone else.

[AnotherCoffeeNow]

I suspect my DD9 has all the traits associated with having autism spectrum disorder. I know girls mask and home life after school is abysmal.
She is now violent. I have not had a day since July where I was not hit by her.
She's strong and hits hard, she kicks too.

DD( is refusing school, refusing homework and has the sanctions at school as a result. School believe her behaviour is fantastic and it's a home issue for them. The SENCO is on maternity leave and there's no replacement at the moment.

I am exhausted and I no longer have patience. I dream of running away and then chastise myself for thinking of life without the children coming first.

DH is in the midst of a long-term depressive episode. He has medication but has checked out of family life. You can't talk to him about anything deep - about the children, it's very much a here and now thing. 'It's raining, take a coat' type of thing.

I have big headaches straight after an episode with DD9. I am feeling blunt towards here rather than empathetic. I was hit a lot as a child and my dad was a violent drunk so I find myself being numb for hours and not being able to function at work.

We had a private diagnosis for ADHD, she refuses the medication and resorts to being violent or throwing the pill down the loo. Consequences don't work. Positive reinforcement does but it's a long drawn out agony to get her to do anything. I feel so guilty at having to manage her and not spending time with the five year old.

I am the breadwinner so reducing work hours is not an option. I went up from 3 days to 4 days last year and now it's five days.

My AIBU is to know is it selfish to just disappear one evening a week and leave the kids with DH. They might just be stuck on screens and do no homework/ no bath etc. I know he has no tolerance for them and is constantly irritated by them (and me). They won't feel great but I'd get to be not responsible and could do something else.
Even if I sit in the car somewhere with an ereader somewhere and have a Costa coffee.

I would seriously consider separation at this point. He's actively making your life harder.

OP, is your husband possibly also on the spectrum? It became obvious to me and DH that he was when our DD was diagnosed. These conditions are highly heritable.

We were pretty close to divorce at that point tbh.

Having a child with SEN is unbelievably stressful and the violence I found also creates a taboo.

Get any time and support you can.

Don't make any hasty decisions.

It's just the repeating things back, walking out of the room, 'off' responses, depression - could be social communication difficulties not just being a t*at.

What was his childhood like?

@Phineyj I have considered whether he is neurodiverse but then he is also responsible for acknowledging it, getting help, and being a present parent.

He is depressed. I keep thinking if I had clinical depression I just could not opt out of family life, refuse to engage with the kids, not do housework etc. I'd still be doing it whilst feeling horrendous.

His dad died when he was 7 from a long illness. Just him and his mum. Grandparents relocated to be on the same street so he was close to them.
I get the impression it was never ok to be upset in his house because his mum would use guilt a lot.

Could you see a couples' counsellor in the New Year?

Although I found the NVR counsellor was helpful in getting us on the same page re parenting.

I'm not excusing your DH at all! But one of the difficulties of depression (especially if it is recurring due to neurodiversity) is a lot of barriers in the way of helping yourself.

DH did get there but it took an ultimatum and when you do that you have to mean it.

Thank you everyone for all your messages.
I was on my way home yesterday afternoon when a pickup truck smashed into my car. The car will likely be written off. I'm grateful though that my car avoided pedestrians at a zebra crossing and hit a wall instead.
When I got back home DH was annoyed about the lack of car and went to the gym. I had to ask the kids to help me get undressed.
I think I know what I need to do over the holidays. Prepare to end things with him. I am sore all over and have foggy vision. He is annoyed and having to sort the kids breakfast and supervise medication.

Reading through all of your messages is giving me a lot of hope. I am angry and I can do something about this s**t situation. Thank you everyone for reading and giving me advice on how to deal with things.

I'm so sorry you were in an accident and hope you are okay. Did you get whiplash?

I am so angry at your husband. I can't tell you what I think of him as I would get banned from the site.

One thing though, would your daughter take medication from him given she doesn't stand up to him aggressively?

Not sure if it is whiplash. Just feel utterly bruised all over. 999 said it was nearly a 2 hour wait for an ambulance as it wasn't a priority. I get that because there are strikes at the moment.
DD5 has an ear infection and has antibiotics at the moment. She takes them no bother but it needs an adult to supervise it. It's DD9 that has challenges with medication.

This update is appalling OP, honestly I think you know what you need to do and I wish you all the best for the road ahead!

All the associated aches and pains of the accident may come out over the next day or two, you will possibly need help to function or may need to recuperate, is there anyone who can eko you over Christmas......I'm just going to assume your husband is a write off and quite frankly I would sort myself and kids out and leave him to it.

As for your daughter, I have no meaningful advice but wish you every success in getting help, you must be exhausted.

That’s awful. If you’re having issues with vision then you need to get yourself checked out. He will just have to deal with things.

Oh no, you sound so low, so sorry to hear about the accident.
All through this thread people have been saying how you need to look after yourself. This is one of those times - if your vision is blurry and you couldn't even manage to get undressed without help, you need to be checked over by a doctor.
If DH is home, call a taxi to take you the hospital. Leave the DC with him. Don't ask permission, just do it and tell him as you are leaving the house. Take your phone, a charger a book and PJs with you. If you are seen and discharged take yourself off to a Premier Inn, or go to family for the night. Your body needs time to recuperate. The girls will be safe with their father even if he or they are not happy about it.
If he is not home, is there anyone you can ask to take the DC as it's emergency? If not, you'll have to take them with you, but it sounds like you need medical assessment.

Thank you for the messages. I have a sprained arm and whiplash.
My lovely neighbour's daughter-in-law is a chartered physio and she has been in touch with my insurance firm to explain why I need to get seen urgently. I hope you have all had a lovely break with your families. Here's to a brighter 2024.

Oh my gosh. I could have written this when my child was that age.

I did exactly what you say to do. I took on a volunteer role and I loved it and I would recommend it

it changed our family life. I wasn’t so stressed. I was happier. That meant the child was happier. Which meant the whole family did much better

I could have written your post many times over during the last 10 years. I didn't take the time for myself, and I am now totally burnt out and so resentful of my DH and still taking the brunt of my ND DC's behaviour.

I have tried to ask for support from my DH but I basically get told I'm handling it all wrong and if I was somehow "better" then DC's behaviour would be "better". I have tried asking for emotional support for me when I am feeling rock bottom because I've dealt with 6 hours of a screaming, crying, hitting, throwing things, foul-mouthed 8/9/10/11/12+ year old and he just stands there while I cry.

I am recently putting myself first sometimes. I feel guilty about it. DH says all the right words about supporting my time away but then makes strange comments that show me he resents it really (but not explicit comments, just ones that could be explained as me being over sensitive). It is helping me enormously to have time away from ...... DC? DH? Home? .... I'm not leaven sure what I am benefiting from time away from anymore.

In my case, the toll on my marriage of general lack of care towards me/lack of understanding/lack of time for me to recover/lack of ..... is enormous. I feel like I have asked and asked for support and care and I didn't get it. I was just left to be the default parent and I took far far far too long to get "selfish" and take what I need. I've no idea whether I can recover my marriage though.

Don't be me. Take the space you need. And while I can see that your DC5 also needs 1-to-1 time with you to recover from DC9's behaviour, I think you also need time with no children with you at all. Take it. Hope your DH steps into the breach. If he doesn't then you have your answer and can think about future options.

Hello, there's no vote for the AIBU but I realise I left some messages with out a response.
I've had a MRI and there is damage to my back from the accident that the X ray didn't pick. Waiting for another referral to see what we can do next. I can just about drive the children to school so I'm home bound for a while now.

My H is working on some new project for a government initiative so he's full of some positive vibes at least for now. I cannot forgive him though for his approach towards me, he can see me struggling around the house. I'll try to unload the dishwasher with my right arm. He will stare and offer no support. Even if directly asked along the lines of 'my shoulder hurts alot and I realise I can't actually do this. Will you take over.' He might mumble or start doing something else.

DD5's time with me was going to be swimming but the back/shoulder situation has curbed that, pool rules mean adult in the water with a child. But we're going to a motorway Costa with a colouring book and just having a hot chocolate and a natter about her day each Saturday.

The older one is more violent on my return, at least towards me. I've called social services about an assessment and respite along the lines of DV. School is also aware but in denial, she behaves so well there. The SEN lead is on maternity for now.

I have got a new credit card! Soley to fund DD9 seeing a specialist psychiatrist who treats ND children and teens. There's a 6 month waiting list to see him even though it's private. I've started to make copies of paperwork at home, copies of accounts, the kids savings, joint bills and keeping them at work.
It is dismal but I'm keeping a diary of every time I ask DH for help and he refuses to help.....so I can show how poor things are.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. Thank you to you all who left messages and shared bits of your lives to encourage me. I read this thread when I feel lost and it helps me feel a tiny bit more in control.

Aw OP, that is real progress, well done.

Costa was like the 4th emergency service when my DD was in nursery!

She could be unhappy at home because of your husbands mental health issues. Living with a parent with mental health issues is very damaging to a child as they can’t understand it’s not their fault / that their parent loves them.

OP

Move to trying to do the Costa trip twice a week, while your eldest is home - so she can be with her dad. And you can get a further break.

For the love of all that is holy save yourself. I have two boys with autism and I put myself last for years. It simply doesn't work, I've had 2 nervous breakdowns over the years (now fully recovered) and my physical health is now showing the signs of buckling under chronic stress - high blood pressure.

A night a week to save your sanity is an absolute must. There is no one propping you up, I'm afraid you're going to need to do it yourself. It might feel selfish when you do it but its imperative that you do.

Don't do what I did <3

OP, life sounds so tough right now. I can only echo what others have said - make as much time for yourself as you can. Just you. No kids or H.

Keep doing the costa trip with your youngest.

And can you maybe try to do the same on another day with DD? Even if it's half an hour, she might appreciate it.

Your H sounds incredibly selfish. And he's making life harder for you. I think that getting copies of documents, making a plan is a very sensible idea.

Talk to all the agencies you can. Social services, charities, school, private consultants. See if there's an action group or support group you can follow on social media. You are not alone.

Wow @AnotherCoffeeNow what a rough time you're having. I definitely think leaving your DH sounds like the right thing, whilst life is hard on your own at least you know where you are and won't have the psychological stress of him never mucking in. I'd stop doing everything to be honest and see what happened. Don't do the dishwasher. Take the kids out for food instead. Like you say stop doing things for him - no cooking, washing, making beds etc. Depression means it is hard for you to do things, it doesn't mean it's impossible for you to recognise when someone else is in need. If he can go to rugby he can empty a frigging dishwasher! Definitely make sure you get some me time, I nearly had a breakdown coping alone with my two yo and four week old baby, one day I got someone to take the baby and sent toddler to nursery, suddenly my love for the children and my patience came back. I realised I'd really run myself down.

Also DD's behaviour may improve with DH out of the picture, a family friend's son was violent, angry, and incredibly hard work at home all the time for his mum. When she divorced his unpleasant (lazy, bullying, whinging, aggro) father overnight he became so much better. Still hard work but so much calmer.