Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Funeral car

51 replies

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:24

My lovely aunt who has been like a mother to me has passed away. Her sons have decided that I am not being included in the funeral car and can make my own way to the church. (Money is not an issue) her sons and myself have always got on very well they have been like brothers to me. Aibu to be a bit hurt

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 11/12/2023 22:27

I’m very sorry for your loss but would expect only partner and children in the funeral car.

Ponderingwindow · 11/12/2023 22:28

Unless you actually grew up in their home and were raised by your aunt, they are not being unkind. They have to make a cutoff somewhere.

if you are worried about driving yourself, then hire a car service. Perhaps see if other relatives have any to join you.

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 11/12/2023 22:30

Sorry I don't get this. I've never travelled in a funeral car including GP and parent funeral, I don't get why people have them.

Original poster

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:30

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Is it normal to only have one car. I'm not from the UK originally so this is all a bit new for me

OP posts:

Whoknowswhatanymore · 11/12/2023 22:32

I agree that the car should only be for husband/ wife, children and grandchildren and/or brothers and sisters.

theconfidenceofwho · 11/12/2023 22:34

Sorry for your loss Op but that sounds pretty normal.

Redglitter · 11/12/2023 22:35

Sorry I don't get this. I've never travelled in a funeral car including GP and parent funeral, I don't get why people have them

I dont get why you wouldn't. Allows the family to be together. Noone has to worry about driving, especially if they're upset, no worries about parking at the crematorium/cemetery. Its just far less stressful

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Is it normal to only have one car. I'm not from the UK originally so this is all a bit new for me

I'd say most funerals I've been at just have one car - for immediate family only. Not extended family or close friends

murasaki · 11/12/2023 22:37

The size of car is cost dependent really. For MiL's funeral last month, one was deliberately chosen that fitted FiL, my SiL, her partner, DP, me, and MiL's brother. But it would have cheaper for me and the partner not to go in it, and we did offer, but they wanted us there.

DelilahJane · 11/12/2023 22:40

It is usual there would only be one car and that is normally reserved for the immediate family only.

I'm Irish so it may be different for us but it really is just a "fancy taxi" to and from the service so it's one less thing for the immediate family to worry about.

I've been in the funeral car for a friends funeral and a cousins. Not because I've been exceptionally close to the deceased but because the ones who didn't want to do I was nominated so it wouldn't look empty.

I've also been at a few where family have flown in from North America so they got the limo as they didn't have a vehicle here.

I say this gently, your focusing on the wrong thing. You should be focusing on supporting your aunt's immediate family instead of finding perceived slights.

eurochick · 11/12/2023 22:41

I agree with the other posts - one car for immediate family only is usual.

Zanatdy · 11/12/2023 22:43

Immediate family only is the norm. At 14 I went with my friend as a support for her brothers funeral but I’ve never known extending to Auntie

murasaki · 11/12/2023 22:43

A fancy taxi is really what it is. And a quiet space for the journey.

Although we all ended up laughing in ours as we got stuck behind a bin lorry, staring at the coffin in the hearse ahead, blocked by the lorry, and agreed that she would have found it hilarious. It made the journey a bit easier.

Original poster

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:44

@DelilahJane thank you for your reply. I think part of the reason I'm hurt is that I spent so much time with my aunt before her passing

OP posts:

gotomomo · 11/12/2023 22:44

Most don't have any cars these days in my experience, definitely not more than one

Mc151 · 11/12/2023 22:46

firstly, I’m sorry for you loss. Itdoes just depend on how many cars they are having and a lot of funerals do just have the 1 car. I’ve been to funerals with only 1 car for spouse and children and I’ve also been to a funeral with 9 cars including spouse, children, siblings, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

maybe you could speak to other people attending so you can get in their car with them if you don’t feel like you will be up for driving.

murasaki · 11/12/2023 22:47

I think it depends on the community. The whole street came out to see MiL and us off, then some followed under their own steam. It was lovely.

We also stopped behind the hearse outside the care home she had worked at , and some staff and residents came out.

But yes, it's really the close family's choice.

gotomomo · 11/12/2023 22:47

My dps parent died recently and I drove him, his siblings dps did the same, perhaps it's different in cities with parking issues

Atishooooo · 11/12/2023 22:47

What about her best friend of the last 30 years?

What about the neighbour who cared for her when family weren't available?

What about the cousin she spent a lot of time with growing up.

etc, etc, etc.....

Many people have special people in their lives who are outside of immediate family. If you invite one of the people to ride with you, where do you stop?

Maybe they didn't want to pay another £600 or whatever it is for a second car. They've chosen to draw a line at immediate family only, and stuck with it. Their funeral, their choice.

FuckinghellthatsUnbelievable · 11/12/2023 22:50

I’d echo what others have said it’s just really for immediate family. Children and partners. I went in one to my grandads funeral because I was a child and went with my mum. Not to any of my great aunts funerals (who I was very close to) as not a direct descendant.

BIossomtoes · 11/12/2023 22:50

You’d have been stuck at my parents’ funerals, we didn’t have any cars, just the hearse.

Andthereyougo · 11/12/2023 22:50

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:30

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Is it normal to only have one car. I'm not from the UK originally so this is all a bit new for me

I’m sorry for your loss.
Yes, it’s usual to have just one funeral car following the hearse. The immediate family travel in the funeral car. There would only be a second car if it was a huge family, say 8 children, perhaps partners, the widow/ widower of the deceased. They’ve not done anything out of the norm to upset you.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 11/12/2023 22:51

I wouldn't expect to be in the car. For my grandads funeral it was one car - my grandma and their children. The childrens partners made their own way to the funeral with their kids (the grandkids).

For my grandmas funeral we had 2 cars. One for the kids and partners, the other for the grandkids. Grandkids partners travelled seperately.

In both cases it was essentially a fancy taxi that followed the hearse, and tbh a bit of a ballache to sort other transport around because they took you from a place (e.g. a house) to the service and to the wake. You have to work out how you're getting to the start and from the wake. First case the partners had bought their cars and dropped them off first. Second the grandkids partners played taxi.

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2023 22:52

I'm sorry for your loss.
It's not a rejection of you or anything. It's just that's how it's normally done.

Mariposista · 11/12/2023 22:53

@itisfreezinginscotland I totally understand your hurt OP.

My lovely gran died at Easter. She had 4 children - yet it was all down to my mum and myself to care for her in her dying years and we were the ones who sat with her when she eventually died.
As soon as she passed away, one of my uncles in particular went out of his way to exclude me from all the process. I don't think it was entirely deliberate, it was more a power thing. Perhaps guilt. But it hurt more than her actual loss. I felt I was failing her
The saving grace came when it came to planning the funeral. They wanted nothing to do with it and it was left down to Mum and myself. We planned everything exactly how she would have wanted it, and we had a lovely lady vicar helping us (who has been more compassionate to me than most of my family).
The car thing is small really, but you are grieving. And you feel pushed out of your aunt's life by others who perhaps didn't bother with her as much in life as you did. You are allowed to feel that.
God bless OP. take care of yourself. I understand you.

Womencanlift · 11/12/2023 22:54

The norm in my family is one car with the immediate family of the deceased eg children and spouse/partner and if space the siblings of the deceased eg my parent and their siblings

The nieces/nephews/grandchildren all make their own way so we are there to meet the car when it arrives

Similar to you my sister nursed my aunt in the months up to her death but never expected to be in the car.

Flip

1 2 3