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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral car

51 replies

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:24

My lovely aunt who has been like a mother to me has passed away. Her sons have decided that I am not being included in the funeral car and can make my own way to the church. (Money is not an issue) her sons and myself have always got on very well they have been like brothers to me. Aibu to be a bit hurt

OP posts:
mambojambodothetango · 11/12/2023 22:56

Don't waste precious emotional energy being hurt about this when there's so many other things going on. It's a bit like the top table at the wedding - it's impossible to include everyone, and you may have been selected to represent the family among the mourners who are gathering to wait for the cortege to arrive. That's an important job too.

UsingChangeofName · 11/12/2023 22:59

YABabitU

It will depend on the number of people in the family, but it is pretty normal for just partner, and children and children in law to go in the hired car. Parents if sadly a person goes when they are younger.
After that, then Grandchildren, or the deceased's siblings would typically come before a niece.

Don't waste energy on this. Travel with other family members if you don't want to drive.

Topofthemountain · 11/12/2023 23:08

You can arrange to travel behind the hearse and car. DH and I did that recently for his cousin's funeral as it was a very small funeral so we just had the hearse, but we followed behind. (DH was NOK, only family)

Silverbirch7 · 11/12/2023 23:13

This

BrimfulOfMash · 11/12/2023 23:40

So sorry about your aunt OP.

Its understandable that you are feeling hurt… the important thing is that you did support your aunt, you know how you loved her.

Try not to focus on the stuffy etiquette as to who gets to go in the black shiny car. It doesn’t necessarily define who loved and was loved.

Ella31 · 12/12/2023 00:45

In the nicest way possible, you need to look back at key words in your OP - her sons. They just lost their mother. The only people in that car should be them. I'm sorry for your loss, but you need to step back here.

HeddaGarbled · 12/12/2023 01:04

The cars are really expensive. Often one car comes as part of a package, but a second car would cost a lot more. It is absolutely normal for relatives to make their own way.

At my dad’s funeral, there wasn’t enough room in the car for all of us, so one of my brothers volunteered to drive himself and his family. This did not make him less important in anyone’s eyes. It was purely logistical.

GingersOwner26 · 12/12/2023 01:06

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:30

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Is it normal to only have one car. I'm not from the UK originally so this is all a bit new for me

Not sure there is a normal to be honest - with my grandad, there were two cars (one car had his children and spouses, the other had grandchildren and the one partner who was able to attend, it was pretty much just decided in the moment who was going in which car rather than planning it beforehand), with my dad it was a non issue because that was quite early on in Lockdown 1, I don't think my other grandparents had one.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/12/2023 01:08

I can understand your hurt. One car isn’t uncommon.

I was brought up by my grandparents from the age of 7 and cared for her for three years before her last two months in a care home. I was still excluded from the decisions and plans by my Aunt as I was a grandchild, not a child.

cerisepanther73 · 12/12/2023 01:32

I disagree , even though @itisfreezinginscotland was a niece of hers sadly deceased auntie,

she was treated more like a daughter by her,

I agree, i find her two sons attitude petty really and not reflective of their mother's feelings to her, adopted daughter whether officially or unofficially one..

if its something important for you to find out if possibility if you can travel up with other family members in designated funeral car,

Ultimately all that matters really is not so much symbolism of a black funeral car,
just being there at her funeral of a passing of a much loved auntie ect.

fridaynight1 · 12/12/2023 02:05

Sorry for your loss but I think you need to find your own way to the funeral.
Despite your closeness to your Auntie you shouldn't expect to be included in the first car - normally just spouses and children would be in the first car.
If there was a second car you would still come behind parents, brothers, sisters and grandchildren.

Please don't take it to heart - a funeral is not a time to be precious or offended. I didn't make the funeral car for my own mums funeral and I was the one paying/organising it. It just seemed right that her elderly sisters and brother to go in the funeral car and for me to go with my DH and daughter in our own car.

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 12/12/2023 12:46

Sorry for your loss

NameChangeDayNov · 12/12/2023 12:58

It is hurtful, and I'm sorry for your loss.

If it is any consolation, I HATED being in the funeral car for my father's funeral.
We did it the traditional way, with a pallbearer walking ahead of the car out of his road, and into the crematorium, which meant we travelled at 2 MPH, behind the hearse with his coffin, and it was grim.

The one thing I decided was that when I die I don't want a funeral car, it's just too depressing.

Blanketpolicy · 12/12/2023 13:07

Completely normal for the funeral car to be immediate family only and I wouldn't expect a niece to be in the car unless there was no other family.

Usually only one car unless a large immediate family - we ordered two for my dads funeral but only one showed up which was very difficult as we had to decide quickly who went with mum and to arrange lifts very last minute! (a few had had a wee dram already prior to the hearse/funeral car arriving so couldn't drive themselves)

Sorry for your loss.

Figmentof · 12/12/2023 13:11

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:30

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Is it normal to only have one car. I'm not from the UK originally so this is all a bit new for me

I would not expect a niece to be in a funeral car no, not unless your own parents were unable to take care of you and you were raised by an aunt or uncle anyway.

We had two funeral cars at my mother's funeral but that was for my father, me, three siblings, three spouses of siblings and one teenage grand daughter.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 12/12/2023 13:17

I agree that I’m not sure why you think you’re entitled to it, however if you really want to ride in a limo to the funeral the funeral directors could provide a second limo if you offered to pay for it and her children were ok with it obviously.

Thats the only thing I can think of as another option. It will probably be around £400.

OneTC · 12/12/2023 13:23

We had a hearse plus limo, daughters went in the hearse, SILs and deceased's wife went in the limo.

I wouldn't generally expect anyone other than immediate family to be in the cortege

LunaBlueSkies · 12/12/2023 13:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ActDottie · 12/12/2023 13:49

Did your own mother die and you were raised by your aunt? If so Yanbu. But if your own mother raise you then YABU, it’s normally partners and children in the main funeral car.

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 12/12/2023 14:18

I went in the funeral car when MIL died. I was very surprised to have been included, as I expected it to just be closest family members only, but there were two spare seats in the car, so me and BIL were asked to join.

TBH, we ended up in the extra row of seats in the back and the leg room was atrocious. The journey would have taken 15 minutes in my own car, but due to the route and slow pace taken by the funeral cortege, it took 45 minutes and I was in agony by the time we got there. In hindsight I wish I could have taken my own vehicle. It would have been more practical at the end of the day too and not involved the pre-funeral ferrying of cars here there and everywhere.

I'm sorry for your loss @itisfreezinginscotland , but as PP have said, sometimes a line has to be drawn in terms of available space. Funerals are very expensive, so adding another car is likely to add a significant sum to the cost. Try not to take it personally. You're grieving at the moment and often things feel much bigger a deal now than they will in hindsight in the future.

You will be able to pay your last respects to your lovely Aunt, and she and you both know how precious your time has been. Ultimately that's all that really matters.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2023 14:32

Who else is in the car op? Do you have a partner and children or would they have travelled separately.

There's no hard and fast rules on whom, but if it's just them and you that's immediate family it seems odd. I wouldn't take it to heart though, these are difficult times and sometimes people's rationality isn't great in grief

snoopyfanaccountant · 12/12/2023 15:29

Are there other cousins? Could it be that the sons don't want to be seen to be showing favouritism, even if you were very close?

FIL and my DF both died last year and only immediate family went in the car.

For FIL's funeral MIL, DH, BIL and BIL's DS were to go in the funeral car and I was to follow in my own car with my DDs. We could all have fitted but there were family politics at play (there's another sibling who is partially estranged and MIL didn't want their DC in the car). BIL's DW couldn't attend because her passport had expired so no one thought anything of one DGC being in the car and not the others. In the end MIL let the other sibling in the car but without the DC.

When my DF died my DSM, DB, the DGC and I went in the funeral car and DH followed with SIL in my car. DSM's adult DC and their partners also to their own cars.

marcopront · 12/12/2023 19:51

itisfreezinginscotland · 11/12/2023 22:30

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Is it normal to only have one car. I'm not from the UK originally so this is all a bit new for me

I'm sorry for your loss but I am confused by this

You are not from the UK originally but the family of the person who was like a mother to you is.

LakieLady · 12/12/2023 20:04

gotomomo · 11/12/2023 22:44

Most don't have any cars these days in my experience, definitely not more than one

We didn't have any cars for my DP's funeral, just the hearse. My SIL and BIL picked me up in their car, other SIL picked MIL up, and everyone else made their own way there.

It would have added several hundred to the cost to have had a car as well, apparently.

FranticHare · 12/12/2023 20:14

You are grieving and upset. So are her sons.

Don’t let this become an issue between you all. At this horrible time pull together not apart.

You know you loved your Aunt, you know that she loved you. Let that be what you remember and think about at this tough time. Who is in the car is really irrelevant.

Condolences to you.

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