My child was removed from his first school nativity

[MrsH101]

My DC (with delayed speech and receiving SENCO support but not diagnosed with any ASD ADHD) was removed from his school nativity today after about 10-minutes.

We were pre-warned that if they 'were overstimulated or disruptive then they might not get through the whole performance' but we had good seats and could see him singing along, doing the actions and staying seated next to the TA. Not being disruptive in any way - on the contrary, it was delightful to watch.

So it was a shock and quite painful to see him walked out with another child after less than 10 minutes and we had to sit through the rest of the performance wondering what had just happened.

The question is, AIBU to speak to the school?

It won't change anything, he doesn't really care that much and in the grand scheme of things, him thriving and progressing at school is more important - and we want to foster a good relationship with the school who have worked closely with us since he started.

But as first experiences as parents go, it absolutely sucked and the whole thing looked completely pre-planned - he certainly seemed to be expecting it and thought he'd done everything asked of him.

So it made me wonder if there is any way we can have a productive conversation with the school to improve things? Or should we leave it and focus on the big picture.

You could ask them why in a curious way?
My guess is they will say that in rehearsals he never lasted more than 15 mins so they thought 10mins of him coping well would be better than attempting more and it going wrong.
It would be good evidence for an EHCP application.

It wouldn't hurt to ask what had happened.

YANBU and I would absolutely want an explanation.

Surely you wouldn't offend anyone by politely asking the question? I can't imagine anyone at school would mind that? I would want to know if I were you.

Had he done his whole performance and they had been worried he might not? If it looked planned and he seemed happy? Might just be crossed wires with you (reasonably) thinking whole performance meant whole show but them meaning HIS performance which was then done?

Of course you should have a conversation about it. Just ask the question as to what occurred up trigger him being taken off the stage. Obviously you don't go in guns blazing or defensive. You just want to know what happened. Maybe do a shit sandwich.

You appreciate their work in ensuring he got to participate, what happened? And then finish with he really enjoyed it (if he did) and was proud of himself.

Good if he was prepared in a way and great he doesn’t mind. Definitely talk to them but as someone said above perhaps they knew it might be too long for him x

Was it anything to do with the other child? If your DC doesn't have a dedicated 1:1, they may have decided that the best way of managing the entire class of 30 would be for one member of staff to support your child and one other child and to remove them both if they showed any signs of distress leaving the remaining staff to keep an eye on the children, act as prompt, remind them of the actions, intervene if another child got distressed or needed the loo or whatever. Really not ideal for your DC but they may have had a reason for deciding it was the best way to manage it.

I've been there, it's difficult isn't it. My DS has got much better as he's got older, he does have ASD/ADHD but can sit through this sort of thing fine now (which it sounds like your DS was actually doing!)

I would politely raise it with the school and ask for more context.

Ask for sure.

My son has ASD. He was always flanked by two teachers until Year 2. We nearly had a heart attack when we realised he could let loose.

But they always did their best to accommodate him and his needs.

It may be that they knew what point he’d get upset and preempted it?

I’d ask - I hope that they did this preemptively because once his bit was over at that point in rehearsals he got increasingly fidgety etc.

I would imagine during the practices he'd become unsettled or distressed or fidgety after a certain point and the teacher decided it was best for him to be removed. I'm surprised they didn't tell you beforehand. Any child I have taught who might need to be removed during a performance, we have always spoken to parents before so they are prepared.

Absolutely ask what happened. Seems odd. I’ve seen very disruptive children be incorporated in a nativity- one year a SEN child was made ‘The Star’ in the nativity that the wise men followed, and whenever the SEN child got bored and went for a wander around the room, the wise men had to leap to and follow him. This worked incredibly well and actually it was quite atmospheric having the wise men on a start-stop journey around the room.

I’d keep an eye on that school, unless they thought your child was going to meltdown then they should be finding ways to incorporate him not thinking about what ‘looks professional.’

It may have been agreed beforehand that, if he was starting to feel overwhelmed, he could let an adult know and they would leave before it all got too much. Many young children can feel overwhelmed when faced with a sea of adult faces, even if they were fine during rehearsals. (edited for spelling mistake)

They may have wanted him to have success and based on rehearsals they knew that if they took him out then it would all have been a positive experience. I work with students who have SEN and we always try to finish doing optional things at a point where they have not become heightened or disregulated.

You can ask but it sounds like they could see (or thought they could see) him starting to get uncomfortable.

They may have agreed in advance that he can leave after X part.

It sounds like him sitting through it comfortably for that length of time was a great achievement and I would focus on the fact that he was able to take part and be very proud of what a great job he did.

They will be fine with you asking and it’s probably good for you to know anyway.

I wouldn’t take this to heart OP. He did great! Singing along and getting involved. The school had obviously worked out from rehearsal etc that he struggled after ten minutes and didn’t want him to get distressed after doing so well. I honestly think they were trying to be thoughtful.

They would have seen how they had done in rehearsals and taken them off and a point in the show accordingly. Be happy of how much he achieved.

Well done to him for doing so well, you must be really proud! Definitely ask politely why but my guess would the staff member was 1:2 and there was a reason why the other child needed to leave so unfortunately that meant your DC had to go too, or it was based on rehearsals and it was decided that they would finish on a high rather than push it.

Yep, good on him and them, much better than I did at that age, where I suffered and threw up (every year, dreaded it). DX ND age 47!

I think they probably did it with good intentions. Better to take home out whilst he was calm and happy rather than taking him out once her got upset and/or disruptive?

My dd struggled with school plays, reception year was the worst and she was very distressed which made me distressed to watch. As she got older and the teachers got to understand her more they managed to give parts where she wasn’t out for too long and also allowed her to wear ear defenders which they decorated with tinsel. I would rather she just came out for a short time and remained happy (so she sees it as a good experience) rather than her having a meltdown and never wanting to do it ever again.

‘Him’ not ‘home’

It’s likely your DS found the practices tricky- sitting for too long and becoming overstimulated.
its also likely that the school let him leave after his part was played to prevent overwhelm and disruption

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask, especially given that it all looked to be going well. There are numerous possible explanations and it may well be that they had decided that a small amount that went well was better for everyone concerned than waiting for either of the children to possibly become distressed. But I think you are entitled to know. You sound very reasonable. It's not like you are going to go in guns blazing demanding a re run of the play but I can't see what harm it would do to say that you were thrilled with how well your DC did but could they fill you in on what precipitated taking him off stage.
If that was the plan all along it might be completely reasonable but I do think they should have told you that, and what your DC would be doing during the rest of the performance, so that you'd know what to expect and could relax.