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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think less of people who send these Christmas cards

339 replies

Bananacup · 11/12/2023 13:41

... to have absolutely no interest in Christmas cards that say 'Merry Christmas from [Sender]'

And that's all

Literally no other message.

You've taken the time to post me a picture of a tree, but you've written no personal message whatsoever? Makes me feel like I'm a box on your to-do list, like the worst kind of business networking. It would have been better to send nothing at all. Just don't bother if you literally have nothing personal or interesting to say.

And about 90% of the Christmas cards I receive are like this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 16:56

No, I don't have time to do it, therefore I don't send empty cards

Just like I don't randomly send people blank postcards as I am too busy to write an actual message

OP posts:
cardibach · 11/12/2023 16:57

LaurieStrode · 11/12/2023 16:41

There are plenty of people I don't see more than once a year, like former co-workers, old friends or roommates from uni, people I used to volunteer with, etc. - we might not be part of one another's everyday lives but it does no harm to send well wishes once a year. We're still very fond of one another.

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I’m not getting it. If I’m fond of someone, I keep in touch regularly. It’s easy and free with text/WhatsApp/social media.

Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 16:58

Yes I am utterly not grateful. I wish no one bothered.

It's like texting someone a full stop. Just why

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:03

Chiar · 11/12/2023 13:55

I know what you mean. But I only tend to write a slightly longer, more flowery version of pretty generic good wishes. Is that really any different?

What do you write OP?

If I am going to send anyone a card, I'll write a paragraph or two. Yes it takes effort, which is why I do it only rarely. I don't fire out nothings to people I care about

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 11/12/2023 17:04

cardibach · 11/12/2023 16:57

I’m not getting it. If I’m fond of someone, I keep in touch regularly. It’s easy and free with text/WhatsApp/social media.

Edited
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You don't have to "get it."

Some people still enjoy corresponding on paper instead of quick digital blasts. Some of these people and I exchange letters, postcards, small boxes of treats, etc., throughout the year, even if we only meet in person every couple of years or longer.

And "easy" and "free" aren't priorities for everyone, either. A little effort is not a hardship for some people. Defaulting to the cheapest, least-effort, easiest method is not something I and others aspire to.

Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:07

MidnightMeltdown · 11/12/2023 14:03

YABU - the fact that they've taken the time to buy and post you a card clearly shows that they are thinking about you

But not with any actual thought. Just 'oh that person exists'

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:08

10HailMarys · 11/12/2023 14:05

The CARD ITSELF is the good wish. That’s the whole point of them.

How can remembering your birthday, choosing and buying a card, writing it and posting it to you possibly be a sign of ‘no actual care taken’?

What a miserable, ungrateful, self-centred and bitter response to a nice gesture.

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If you're going to do all of that, why not take the extra 20 seconds and write something personal?

That's why it comes across as rude -- because it's like saying you have not one single thing that you would like to say to the other person. Which isn't a warm message, it's a very cold one

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:10

orangeflutterby · 11/12/2023 14:24

If you don't like them simply put them in the recycling or tell the person not to send them too you. You make it sound like a massive slight to get a Christmas card, just what are you expecting?

I send cards to my elderly relatives and to some friends that live far away. I do sometimes try to write a note in but this year I've been quite unwell and have struggled to do all the things I usually do but I still wanted to send a festive greeting to people I care about. I hope none of them feel as you do or worse that you are on of my recipients!

I think telling people their empty card has made me sad about our relationship would be taken as aggressive... that's why I moaned on Mumsnet instead.

And yes, I do open them, sigh, and put them straight in the bin

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:11

CaramelMac · 11/12/2023 14:31

I’ve got news for you, it literally is a box I’ve got to tick. Soz.

Stop the madness

Let's all just not

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:13

willWillSmithsmith · 11/12/2023 14:38

I don’t understand what it is you actually want (I don’t really understand your opening sentence tbh). Do you mean they just sign their name and nothing else or they put your name and their name but nothing else?

Yes, either they just put names - Dear Will Smith, from Bananacup - or they also add something banal like Merry Christmas

OP posts:
Shakeylegs · 11/12/2023 17:13

Fieldofbrokenpromises · 11/12/2023 16:35

I wish I knew how many of the 30 or so recipients of my annual card felt like you so I could stop bothering with them. I don't have time to consider and write something personal to every one.
To the PP who said I was sneering - I really wasn't - I understand people have different priorities, but that poster was only send a few with personal messages.

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Honestly don’t bother. I don’t think badly of people who don’t send me Christmas cards. Like most people I’m probably too busy to notice!

I’d much rather receive a thoughtful text than a thoughtless card.

cardibach · 11/12/2023 17:13

LaurieStrode · 11/12/2023 17:04

You don't have to "get it."

Some people still enjoy corresponding on paper instead of quick digital blasts. Some of these people and I exchange letters, postcards, small boxes of treats, etc., throughout the year, even if we only meet in person every couple of years or longer.

And "easy" and "free" aren't priorities for everyone, either. A little effort is not a hardship for some people. Defaulting to the cheapest, least-effort, easiest method is not something I and others aspire to.

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Those aren’t the friendships I’m talking about though, are they? I specifically referenced Christmas card only ‘friendships’, as did the poster o replied to. Why are you gett8gn all offended for your “lots of letters all year’ people?
Nice sneer about how you are soooo much harder working than me and sooo much more putting yourself out for your friends. You aren’t.

Shakeylegs · 11/12/2023 17:14

Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:11

Stop the madness

Let's all just not

Show quote history

Exactly. It’s not a box you have to tick. It’s a box you choose to tick.

mambojambodothetango · 11/12/2023 17:14

cardibach · 11/12/2023 15:23

If it’s the only contact all year, it seems odd to persist at all. You obviously do t actually want them to be part of your life, so what’s the purpose?

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These are people who I've been very close to in the past and we might not meet up every year, but really enjoy it when we do. I don't tend to phone people, might follow them on FB or send the odd text, but it's nice to keep old friendships alive.

Original poster
Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:15

willWillSmithsmith · 11/12/2023 14:41

If you were on my Christmas card list I’d take you off it with that attitude! I’d prefer to send you no card at all.

This is the perfect outcome

OP posts:
cardibach · 11/12/2023 17:15

Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:07

But not with any actual thought. Just 'oh that person exists'

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I don’t send cards, but when I did - no, that wasn’t the thought.
the thought was ‘I’d like to send Christmas wishes to X’. You know, the purpose of the Christmas card.

Upwiththelark76 · 11/12/2023 17:15

Wow . So miserable . Someone took the time to send good wishes . Can’t please some people . Humbug

fungibletoken · 11/12/2023 17:15

I know where you're coming from, OP. Somehow cards have always been quite important in our immediate family - growing up we'd always get cards that were personalised (e.g. a joke or picture that would mean something to you) with a special message inside. Didn't have to be crazily elaborate, but just specific to you. When I first started dating DH he said he didn't get the point of cards as his were always: "Dear DH, Happy birthday/Christmas, Love Mum and Dad" but now says it's a nice tradition to make them more personalised. Like you I can't really see the point of just "happy birthday/Christmas" unless you're not super close.

cardibach · 11/12/2023 17:16

Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:08

If you're going to do all of that, why not take the extra 20 seconds and write something personal?

That's why it comes across as rude -- because it's like saying you have not one single thing that you would like to say to the other person. Which isn't a warm message, it's a very cold one

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Well, there is one thing I want to say with a card - Merry Christmas.
Amazingly, that’s exactly what Christmas cards are for.

OhmygodDont · 11/12/2023 17:17

pinguins · 11/12/2023 13:58

See this is the thing. If you keep criticising and pushing away people who are making any effort at all because the effort isn't exactly to your liking, eventually they give up and stop bothering.

I went through a phase in my twenties of being annoyed at these sort of pointless messages and then when I hit 30 and felt suicidally depressed I would have given anything for a single birthday card. Just one. Any single person to remember I existed. And I realised I had brought it on myself by being such a prickly hyper-critical arsehole, and I tried to make more of an effort and be less of a dickhead and actually reciprocate the cards as well as thanking people for making the effort.

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See this could be my brother he doesn’t “do” cards and it would be so easy for me to stop sending him one but then what. So even though I know he will open it on the off chance I’ve dropped in a tenner go hmm and probably bin it, he get a card.

cardibach · 11/12/2023 17:18

mambojambodothetango · 11/12/2023 17:14

These are people who I've been very close to in the past and we might not meet up every year, but really enjoy it when we do. I don't tend to phone people, might follow them on FB or send the odd text, but it's nice to keep old friendships alive.

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My old friendships (including 3 from infant school) are very much alive. I haven’t sent Christmas cards for about 20 years.

salamirose · 11/12/2023 17:18

When you write back tell them how disappointed you are and I guarantee you won't recieve them next year

G5000 · 11/12/2023 17:19

When we got married, MIL expected me to start sending cards for all their relatives, for all occasions. Yes, start - of course DH had never done it and had not been expected to. I was kindly provided with a yearly calendar and reminders every time something happened. I considered what would make me feel worse - that one of DHs 15 cousins whom I have never met will think I'm terribly rude because I didn't send a card for their 3rd child's christening. Or taking on this obligation for decades to come.
Well long story short, I don't write cards. If I like the person, I keep in touch and call and message and help and support them and meet up and have fun together. If I don't care much about the person, sending a pre-written card won't change much either way.

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/12/2023 17:20

I received a card last week with a long and personal message in it and my initial thought was 'fucking hell, that's a bit much Malcolm' (name changed to protect the verbose).

I only send Christmas cards to 7 or 8 households a good distance away that we are very fond of but won't see at Christmas, and don't write anything much more than general greetings unless I feel there's something that should be said (like to the friend this year that recently lost her Mum).

The act of buying, writing and sending the cards is the bit that shows we're thinking of them, not several paragraphs of guff about how we or they are.

AnneValentine · 11/12/2023 17:26

Bananacup · 11/12/2023 17:07

But not with any actual thought. Just 'oh that person exists'

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Unlike you who doesn’t even acknowledge your friends exist.