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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried DH is inadvertently teaching DC to be a bit naughty

66 replies

kookykalki · 11/12/2023 03:34

DH as a husband and adult is generally a very kind person. But as a kid it sounds like he would get into fights at school ( primary) and that FIL would encourage it eg. "Never walk away from a fight", "hit back if you get hit" (I find this attitude really stressful as my parents encouraged the literal opposite).

We have an 8 month old DD and I've noticed some of their playing are things that bother me a little. Eg. She wanted a teddy that was in his hand and was reaching for it but he'd move it away everytime she tried to make a grab for it. I thought in my head why not just give it to her instead of being annoying? She wasn't laughing or smiling at this "game" but equally I guess she wasn't crying or upset. I wonder if it will teach her to be a bit of a bully?

Similarly I've noticed he will make her teddies wrestle each other or punch each other.

I feel like compared to the other babies at stay and play she is a bit aggressive. She wants to grab or scratch or bite the other babies(although I appreciate she wants to hold everything and put it in her mouth right now) whereas the other babies her age seem so much more docile.

AIBU to think DH is partly responsible for this?

I do not want to micromanage his parenting.

OP posts:

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 03:42

It would be impossible to tell if your DH is responsible for this.

It's a possibility. It is reasonable to ask him to stop/adjust the way he teaches her to play. It's not micro-managing, lol. And him stopping certainly won't do any harm, so it makes sense as the better option.

thebestinterest · 11/12/2023 03:52

He’s certainly not modeling kindness or attentiveness, so yes, there could be a correlation.

coffy11 · 11/12/2023 04:01

Why is he doing that? It's just nasty.

Original poster

kookykalki · 11/12/2023 04:27

I do not think any of his games are done in a malicious way. But I do think he lacks awareness of how babies learn. Like the play wrestling is done.very playfully like "Hey rabbit, where did you get that scarf from, it's mine. I'm a tiger I'm going to pounce and get it back grr grr grr"... but ultimately it is showing her how to hit.

I just asked him about why didn't he just give DC the teddy earlier. It's.not a nice game. He said he was making the teddy run away and she was chasing the teddy. So, the trouble is... This is how he plays with her, it's his 'style'. I'm sure there's going to be lots of versions of this and I can't just police everything he does.

OP posts:

Original poster

kookykalki · 11/12/2023 04:29

For people saying that IABU, please do share why you think this. I would love for someone to come along and say how the way he plays is pure play and she will not learn anything bad 😫

OP posts:

SunRainStorm · 11/12/2023 04:58

That would bother me as well.

My MIL used to do this. She'd entice DC to reach for a toy then snatch it away.

Twat.

YireosDodeAver · 11/12/2023 05:06

She is 8 months old. You are overthinking this. She will develop her own personality and cannot be given a tendency to bully through occasional rough-and-tumble play. She will be fine.

Original poster

kookykalki · 11/12/2023 05:07

YireosDodeAver · 11/12/2023 05:06

She is 8 months old. You are overthinking this. She will develop her own personality and cannot be given a tendency to bully through occasional rough-and-tumble play. She will be fine.

I really do hope so! Thank you!

OP posts:

JhsLs · 11/12/2023 05:08

YABU to say your 8 month old is aggressive. She’s a baby!

LickleLamb · 11/12/2023 05:20

i would wonder how his childhood was because first instincts with babies is usually to make them smile and laugh.
Small children are taught to be kind, fighting will get her into trouble at eg nursery. Point that out to him.

Original poster

kookykalki · 11/12/2023 05:27

LickleLamb · 11/12/2023 05:20

He has a bit of a defiant attitude eg. I don't want her to be a sheep. I agree with the sentiment but I also want her to respect her peers and not be disruptive.

He does indeed try to make her laugh and is a very doting dad but I feel like he doesn't quite get how to be with babies.

I never met my FIL (sadly passed away nearly decade ago) but I don't like the sound of him. He would use his belt on DH, was in the police and army and so DH attributes his attitude to that. DH describes his childhood as carefree and happy though but he says he was very naughty when young and would get into fights at school, set up booby traps etc. MIL is a very nice lady but I get the impression she never set any boundaries. She is very very kind and gentle but maybe a little too chilled (totally opposite to her husband by the sounds of it).

OP posts:

Kittylickingplate · 11/12/2023 05:34

My Mam used to say babies are naturally rough and you need to encourage them to be gentle. If they swipe, take their hand and make them stroke. I worked really well with mine.

I think your DH is being a bit silly but I don't know what you can do but encourage gentle play with you and other children.

Good luck, you sound a lovely Mam.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2023 05:42

It looks as if your dh is teasing your dd. Does he do this all the time or just occasionally? It’s fine to do this sometimes in play. But your dd should think it’s fun, she doesn’t. She’s perplexed by the sound of it. Your dh needs to learn about kind hands. But I think yabu to think this will set your baby up to be a bully.

AlwaysGinPlease · 11/12/2023 05:47

I feel like compared to the other babies at stay and play she is a bit aggressive. She wants to grab or scratch or bite the other babies(although

I can't believe I'm reading that about an 8 month old baby. You're being ridiculous. It's a very strange thing to even think let alone say out loud!

BillionaireTea · 11/12/2023 05:55

Sounds like your DH has only had modelled how to be a father with some pretty toxic stuff. Someone in their 20s-40s nowadays who was hit with a belt- or in fact suffered any corporal punishment- is someone who's been abused. How open is he to questioning his own life and experiences and how they affect parenting? Because I think this is going to come back in different ways throughout your lives. Doesn't mean he will treat your baby badly or teach her wrong but he maybe lacks insight into how he operates, which becomes harder to deal with in a family as you go on.

The book you wish your parents had read is good for connecting your experience to your child's.

Also - this is interesting- I would never be with a "teasy, fighty" kind of man - I reckon I'd have spotted it before having kids. Are you maybe a bit like his mother and a bit gentle on boundaries? How are you going to assert your needs as your baby gets older?

PepperIsHere · 11/12/2023 06:18

Oh he sounds like a fool 😔 I hate when people use babies as playthings to indulge their immaturity. You're right in that he needs to grow up and realise that it's his role to model good behaviour.

HoppingPavlova · 11/12/2023 06:32

Massively overthinking.

PermanentTemporary · 11/12/2023 06:33

I'm.with @BillionaireTea. I think you need to sit down with him and express your worries and the difference in your childhoods. I would say very explicitly that you're quite concerned about HIM and about your joint ability to manage this as a United front. This also requires you to interrogate your childhood too.

Dh was smacked as a child, his parents were strict, and he was also bullied. I personally think theres a connection - if your parents teach you that it's ok to hit people and use, frankly, fear to control you, you're more likely to either bully or be bullied in the future. Bullying after all is not done because the child is confident and happy.

As for all the posts saying 'she's only 9 months old!' -so? Children are learning language and interaction skills all the time, even before birth. 9 months is a particularly key time for language development in fact. It is absolutely true that she's learning how to be with other people right now. I would agree with not labelling her as aggressive though, now or in the future.

Teaching different ways of interacting is hard intense parenting work. Woukd your dh consider going on a parenting course with you? You need to agree jointly on some alternative strategies than teasing and hitting children.

RedHelenB · 11/12/2023 06:35

YireosDodeAver · 11/12/2023 05:06

She is 8 months old. You are overthinking this. She will develop her own personality and cannot be given a tendency to bully through occasional rough-and-tumble play. She will be fine.

This.

TheIndecisiveElf · 11/12/2023 06:38

Toxic?! Give over. It's very normal to do a kind of 'do you want teddy? Oh she's up high, can you reach her? What about now she's down low?' thing.

Maybe the animal pouncing could be cut down on if it really bothers you, but it's good to have her exposed to different styles of play. Certainly it's not making her aggressive.

Airdustmoon · 11/12/2023 06:40

Rough and tumble is important for kids, it’s how they learn boundaries. All the kids I’ve ever seen have loved rough and tumble play with their dads (and mums!) and the playing with making her toys punch each other sounds like the sort of silly stuff I’d do, that sort of thing always made my DS laugh. But as other posters have said, it sounds like a conversation is needed about parenting styles generally as she gets older.

Kittenkitty · 11/12/2023 06:45

I voted you’re being unreasonable - although I do respect your opinion and I don’t think you’re wrong. And don’t think your OH is either.

But firstly you have a Dad here who is attempting to engage in play, it should be standard but unfortunately it’s not. I’d be reluctant to discourage it as often Dads feel that Mum knows better which doesn’t facilitate equal parenting and the gap often widens. Secondly I think society still conditions girls to be “good girls” to be polite and compliant. A little bit of the opposite isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
My daughter does play fight with her Dad, I’ve taught her that not everyone likes it and you have to ask and stop when someone tells you to. She has never tried to play fight with me. It’s been part of teaching boundaries. She is still a very compliant and “good girl” terrified of getting in trouble etc, this is her personality and rough and tumble has not changed that. An older child karate chopped her at school and she did nothing because she didn’t want to get into trouble. Her nature means no amount of modelling etc would ever make her aggressive.

flowerchild2000 · 11/12/2023 06:52

My DD is 18mo and doesn't have a dad, it's all girls here, and she's very small and feminine looking, but she's actually very tomboyish. She loves playing with cars and trucks, plays rough with her stuffed animals, pretends they are fighting (she also makes them sing and dance), and her favorite game is trying to wrestle me. She gave me a black eye yesterday. She didn't learn that from anyone, she's just spirited lol. I discourage it believe me, I don't like rough play at all, I'm just not used to it. But lots of kids play this way. Some girls have brothers who play rough with them. Dads are like that sometimes. You didn't describe anything harmful. I think you should let him play how he wants to. I wish my DD's dad would come around and play with her. You're way overthinking it.

maltichi · 11/12/2023 06:56

I also think that you're overthinking. It would be no different to if she had an older brother who was playing with her like this. Play fighting is actually good for kids as it helps them learn when they've gone too far and gives them an outlet for their aggression.

TheGruffalochild · 11/12/2023 06:58

I don’t think there is anything wrong with either of those games. I’m a mother and I’ve played those games with both my kids. The difference is my kids were giggling their heads off. I think the fact he doesn’t realize/stop when she’s not enjoying it is a problem. You might want to discuss with him following your baby’s cues and playing how your baby wants to play and knowing when to stop.

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