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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep bailing my teen out?

59 replies

frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 14:31

My teen daughter (17) is generally very disorganised and expects me to bail her out, last minute lifts to work when she's late and has missed the bus, that sort of thing. On top of this she's become quite selfish recently, reluctant to do the smallest of things to help out at home, prioritises her social life and work shifts over everything else and then complains she's behind with college work. Huffs and puffs if I ask her for the smallest bit of help with household tasks etc. Just generally really hard work at the moment. Despite this I continue to give lifts left right and centre and will inconvenience my own day to make sure she gets places on time.

Yesterday mid morning I was struggling with a bad migraine and I asked her to help me out. I asked her to sit downstairs with her 2 yo younger sibling for an hour or so while I took my prescription medication and went back to sleep for a bit, knowing I'd only need an hour or so and I'd be feeling well enough to get up and take toddler food shopping so we all had things in to eat, and then my plan was to make us all a nice tea. My daughter refused to do this. I said for her not to ask me for any favours anymore until she can meet me even quarter of the way. She ignored this and went back to sleep til lunch time.

She then went to work and straight to a friends house after work. I didn't hear from her all evening or this morning. I have been out all morning with toddler at swimming class. I came home about an hour ago just as my daughter was being dropped off at home by her friend's parents. She ran into the house saying "I'm late for work I need to get changed quickly". I said right ok, what's your plan to get to work? (A 15 minute bus ride away). She said she didn't know, could I take her? I said no, we've just stepped through the door, I need to sort out your sister's lunch and change her nappy etc, and my hair was still wet from swimming so didn't want to go back out. I asked her what was your plan if I hadn't been home, given you haven't communicated with me all day? She replied "either bus or taxi but it's too late to get the bus now as my shift starts in 10 minutes so can you take me?"

I repeated that I wasn't taking her as this wasn't convenient being sprung on me now, and that she needed to plan better and take responsibility for things without expecting me to bail her out all the time. I also repeated that had she been more willing to help me a tiny bit yesterday when I'd needed it, I'd have also been more willing to help her in return as that's how life works, give and take, not just take take take. She started huffing around and saying things like "ok fine I'll just quit my job then shall I". I just said that would be her decision if she did that and not to put the responsibility for that on me, either. I told her she needed to call her boss and explain she was running late and take responsibility. She did this.

I also asked her why she didn't plan this better, for example taking her spare work clothes for today to her friends house last night and then asking friends parents to drop her straight at work instead of home? (They'd had to pass her work to bring her home). She just shrugged.

Eventually she reluctantly ordered herself a taxi whilst stomping all over the place and crying about being late for work.

It's the fact that there's no forward planning whatsoever and then an expectation that I'll bail her out, along with the emotional manipulation of saying she'd have to quit her job etc. But also, the reluctance on her part to do anything for me in return. I don't even ask for big things - just occasional help with housework tasks here and there, or support for an hour when I'm really not feeling well. I'm just disappointed as I really do bend over backwards at times to make her life easier and I get nothing back in return.

Was I unreasonable to stand firm on this one? I can't keep bailing her out can I?? Honestly my 2 year old is hard work but genuinely a breeze compared to my teen! 😫

OP posts:
MadeOfAllWork · 10/12/2023 14:36

It seems to me that she had 15 years of being an only child and has now had this baby that has turned up and stolen her mother from her.

Smartiepants79 · 10/12/2023 14:37

I totally agree with you and believe you handled this very well.
She did not help you out when you were ill and really needed her ( even though she had nothing else to do apparently) so owe her no favours at all.
She could have avoided all of it by just thinking more than 2 hours ahead.
If you kept calm but firm, well done you.
I’d be laying down some expectations going forward.

Original poster
frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 14:37

I'm not sure that's entirely fair. I distribute my time as evenly as I can between the two of them. As I said in my OP, I still bend over backwards to make sure she gets places on time, be that college, work, her friends houses etc. She is no way neglected since the arrival of her sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 14:38

Sorry that post was for @MadeOfAllWork

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 10/12/2023 14:39

Well, at 17 she is still learning major life skills, like planning and being organised.

I think it is ok to let her learn the hard way now and again, but she is still growing. Teen brains are not fully developed yet, even though I’m sure it seems she is massively grown up compared to her sister, she isn’t.
17, I think can be quite a selfish age, which generally passes.

Is she working to save for something? You know a lot of teens don’t work, so she is doing well there.
Where are the fathers in this? Apologies if I missed this

ChristmasTreeFarmer · 10/12/2023 14:42

Sit down with her this evening or when she's back. Explain why you didn't take her. Ask if she would like help with planning etc. Use it as a discussion point on how to go forwards.

I think you did the right thing.

Cherrysoup · 10/12/2023 14:43

MadeOfAllWork · 10/12/2023 14:36

It seems to me that she had 15 years of being an only child and has now had this baby that has turned up and stolen her mother from her.

That’s not the point and is entirely over the top. At 17, I think she can be more responsible and also help out doing chores at home, as I believe most dc do.

reasoningwithstupidity · 10/12/2023 14:44

You did the right thing OP

CaineRaine · 10/12/2023 14:46

I think you handled that perfectly OP. Sounds like you’ve given her plenty of leeway in the past and it’s now time for her to learn the consequences of not planning ahead.

TheSmallAssassin · 10/12/2023 14:46

Teens develop their brains and become adults by learning through experience, so I think you have absolutely done the right thing here, though I think, as ChristmasTreeFarmer suggests, it would hurt to sit down and talk about it when she is calmer.

OhComeOnFFS · 10/12/2023 14:49

I could cope with having to help her out but her selfishness would make me very upset.

geoger · 10/12/2023 14:50

OP you did the right thing. I wish I was as strong as you and say to my dc

MadeOfAllWork · 10/12/2023 14:52

frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 14:37

I'm not sure that's entirely fair. I distribute my time as evenly as I can between the two of them. As I said in my OP, I still bend over backwards to make sure she gets places on time, be that college, work, her friends houses etc. She is no way neglected since the arrival of her sister.

I’m sure you do distribute your time equally, but before the arrival of her sister she had 100% of your time. Now she has half of it. I’m not saying this is right on her behalf or saying that you have done anything wrong, I’m just saying how she might feel.

SeaToSki · 10/12/2023 14:52

I think you did the right thing, but wouldnt have bothered with all the explaining and suggesting different ways she could handle her life better. I find teenagers just switch off when they have to listen to more than one sentence at a time from their parents, so it just makes you look like a nag.

Try saying, that wont work for me today…. And then say nothing more and if possible walk away to get busy with something else. At another time if she is Panicking around the place about something, ask her if she would like any advice or suggestions…and then wait to be asked before you jump in. She might take things on board a bit better.

Catza · 10/12/2023 14:52

Brilliantly handled OP. Rinse and repeat with gentle coaching until it fully sinks in.

Irridescantshimmmer · 10/12/2023 14:52

YANBU

She won't learn the consequences of her actions if you don't put your foot down, so you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Original poster
frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 14:53

Dotcheck · 10/12/2023 14:39

Well, at 17 she is still learning major life skills, like planning and being organised.

I think it is ok to let her learn the hard way now and again, but she is still growing. Teen brains are not fully developed yet, even though I’m sure it seems she is massively grown up compared to her sister, she isn’t.
17, I think can be quite a selfish age, which generally passes.

Is she working to save for something? You know a lot of teens don’t work, so she is doing well there.
Where are the fathers in this? Apologies if I missed this

Yes she's working to save for car insurance as she's having driving lessons currently. Her Dad and I are buying the car for her if she saves for a year's insurance in advance, that was the deal. My eldest's Dad has always been on the scene, we split when she was a baby and we have co parented for 16 years now, with her spending equal time with both of us.

Not sure if it's relevant but the youngest's Dad is my partner who lives with us (eldest's step father). He is also hands on and good with both girls but he works away a lot of the time so I'm often parenting alone for long periods.

OP posts:
Original poster
frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 14:55

OhComeOnFFS · 10/12/2023 14:49

I could cope with having to help her out but her selfishness would make me very upset.

It does upset me greatly. I was in tears with the pain of my migraine yesterday, when I get them badly I am knocked of my feet with them. My daughter knows I suffer with them. So to not step in when I desperately needed some help for an hour after all I do for her, was honestly so upsetting.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 10/12/2023 14:56

You handled it well. Actions have consequences. She chose to be selfish yesterday, she doesn't get to demand that people drop everything for her today.

Life's like that, and she's supposed to be almost grown up.

I wouldn't have bothered with all the gentle explanation. I'd have just said, 'Nope. You were told yesterday not to ask me for any more favours. Sort yourself out'.

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 10/12/2023 14:58

What are her plans post 18? If she's going to university she's going to be in for a shock.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/12/2023 15:07

I don’t think it’s necessarily connected to young sibling. Mine dd is 17. Is fine most of time but then has times that absolutely infuriate me. I’d definitely have a conversation when not a fraught about helping each other out. They are very self centred and just don’t think. I’ve found this stage of parenting very hard.

Original poster
frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 15:09

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 10/12/2023 14:58

What are her plans post 18? If she's going to university she's going to be in for a shock.

Her plans are to apply to university, she wants to study to be a nurse. So yes I agree, she has a shock coming!

OP posts:
Original poster
frazzledandexhausted · 10/12/2023 15:13

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I was doubting myself but I think that's because I've always bent over backwards for her so when I stand firm I question myself. It's so hard parenting a teen😫

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 10/12/2023 15:16

Definitely don’t doubt yourself! My mum and dad did exactly the same for my sister and I when we started working. If you’re old enough to have a job, you’re old enough to get yourself there and back. All swooping in and saving the day every time teaches her is that she doesn’t need to change her behaviour because there is no consequence, and you have done it enough that she clearly doesn’t even think it warrants a thank you! X

BMW6 · 10/12/2023 15:18

You've said it yourself.......... I've always bent over backwards for her.......

You've created her sense of entitlement. It's not too late to change, keep on as you are now. She needs to learn that you must treat others as you'd like to be treated, or you will suffer the consequences.

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