To not keep bailing my teen out?

[frazzledandexhausted]

My teen daughter (17) is generally very disorganised and expects me to bail her out, last minute lifts to work when she's late and has missed the bus, that sort of thing. On top of this she's become quite selfish recently, reluctant to do the smallest of things to help out at home, prioritises her social life and work shifts over everything else and then complains she's behind with college work. Huffs and puffs if I ask her for the smallest bit of help with household tasks etc. Just generally really hard work at the moment. Despite this I continue to give lifts left right and centre and will inconvenience my own day to make sure she gets places on time.

Yesterday mid morning I was struggling with a bad migraine and I asked her to help me out. I asked her to sit downstairs with her 2 yo younger sibling for an hour or so while I took my prescription medication and went back to sleep for a bit, knowing I'd only need an hour or so and I'd be feeling well enough to get up and take toddler food shopping so we all had things in to eat, and then my plan was to make us all a nice tea. My daughter refused to do this. I said for her not to ask me for any favours anymore until she can meet me even quarter of the way. She ignored this and went back to sleep til lunch time.

She then went to work and straight to a friends house after work. I didn't hear from her all evening or this morning. I have been out all morning with toddler at swimming class. I came home about an hour ago just as my daughter was being dropped off at home by her friend's parents. She ran into the house saying "I'm late for work I need to get changed quickly". I said right ok, what's your plan to get to work? (A 15 minute bus ride away). She said she didn't know, could I take her? I said no, we've just stepped through the door, I need to sort out your sister's lunch and change her nappy etc, and my hair was still wet from swimming so didn't want to go back out. I asked her what was your plan if I hadn't been home, given you haven't communicated with me all day? She replied "either bus or taxi but it's too late to get the bus now as my shift starts in 10 minutes so can you take me?"

I repeated that I wasn't taking her as this wasn't convenient being sprung on me now, and that she needed to plan better and take responsibility for things without expecting me to bail her out all the time. I also repeated that had she been more willing to help me a tiny bit yesterday when I'd needed it, I'd have also been more willing to help her in return as that's how life works, give and take, not just take take take. She started huffing around and saying things like "ok fine I'll just quit my job then shall I". I just said that would be her decision if she did that and not to put the responsibility for that on me, either. I told her she needed to call her boss and explain she was running late and take responsibility. She did this.

I also asked her why she didn't plan this better, for example taking her spare work clothes for today to her friends house last night and then asking friends parents to drop her straight at work instead of home? (They'd had to pass her work to bring her home). She just shrugged.

Eventually she reluctantly ordered herself a taxi whilst stomping all over the place and crying about being late for work.

It's the fact that there's no forward planning whatsoever and then an expectation that I'll bail her out, along with the emotional manipulation of saying she'd have to quit her job etc. But also, the reluctance on her part to do anything for me in return. I don't even ask for big things - just occasional help with housework tasks here and there, or support for an hour when I'm really not feeling well. I'm just disappointed as I really do bend over backwards at times to make her life easier and I get nothing back in return.

Was I unreasonable to stand firm on this one? I can't keep bailing her out can I?? Honestly my 2 year old is hard work but genuinely a breeze compared to my teen! 😫

You did nothing wrong OP. She needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and face the consequences of her actions.

You might feel rotten at the moment but you taught your DD very valuable life lesson.

As the parent my instinct is to jump in and save my child but doing that all the time is not good for them in the long run. They need to learn how to navigate in life by themselves.

Sometimes we need to let them fail, it’s bot going to damage them but teach them how to own up and remedy their own fuck up. That’s how they develop their thinking and eventually planning skills

Stand firm but have a conversation about helping each other when you're both calm.

But she needs to be cooking once a week, doing her own washing etc. to prep her for uni and will help her understand all this is hard work.

You 100% did the right thing! I’m quite firm in this sort of thing with my 12yo! When things go wrong, they learn a lesson that helps them prepare better next time

I think you did the right thing too. Consequences and all that.

I would also start getting her to contribute more to household tasks.

Carry on being firm with her or you will undo the lesson. Try to find a quiet calm opportunity to make a plan for the future and don't be so quick coming up with solutions when she has a problem.

Stand firm and don't be manipulated!!
Teenagers learn from consequences not conversations.

I think you did great!! I’m on 17yo DC #3 and in my limited experience, this is the worst age.

Almost an adult but not quite and finding their way in the world. The world revolves around them, they know everything and we know nothing. Interspersed with flashes of the amazing person they will become.

I also think it’s nature’s way of allowing us to let them move on with their lives with our blessing. As in ‘thank fuck they’ve gone’ 🤣

So far DC3 has not gone off on one as badly as their older siblings but we’re only a few weeks in…

If she's wanting to be a nurse she should read the NMC code and proficiencies, a lot of learning to prioritise involved!

You should definitely not be bailing her out. Read up on the reasons why rescuing teens is counter-productive.

However, if you have been in the habit of rescuing her it is rather unkind to expect her to.go cold turkey. A more graduated approach would be kinder.

Perhaps set out expectations and consequences so she has clarity on what you will and won't help her with. Eg. You expect her to make her own way to work but you will pick her up once a week (or whatever). It cannot be a last minute panic situation.

But you need to separate your efforts to help her gain agency from your frustration with her being unhelpful. She'll hear that as one big moan and she'll expect you to acquiesce as soon as you're having a better day.

Start with the focus on independence then when you're a couple of weeks down the track, introduce your expectations around helping out. These must be crystal clear e.g she is expected to babysit twice a week and do dishes 4 nights. Rather than a woolly "you have to help out more". She won't like it but this is where you have to put it the work, persist, remind, stay consistent. Every time she does as expected, praise her effusive and every time she doesn't, pick her up on it. Don't resort to yelling or arguments, just be very clear about what is required.

Thank you to those who've said it's a tough age and I'm doing the right thing. I was starting to think I'd majorly failed at being a mum to have ended up with this selfish almost adult in my home, having raised a lovely little girl 😞 Can't help but feel sad at losing that little girl. Hope she comes back to me!

I think in this instance it sounds a bit tit for tat.

That said, if she needed to to leave immediately & it wasn't convenient for you well then it wasn't & she needed to make her own arrangement.

I think older siblings looking after a younger one is always a tricky ask.

How often are you unwell & asking her to do this?

Edited to add-she really does need to think things through more though!

Turning up home already too late to get changed & get to work (having not already checked that you were there & could do this) is just ridiculous!

Honestly Op it’s not just you. Focus on positives - she’s working, she’s at college, she’s applying for nursing at Uni.
Our best conversations are late at night or in car.
Most of time she’s fine but there have been several instances recently that have pushed me to my limits - apparently I knew nothing about her personal statement for University despite it being same subject I studied/job I do…

I think you handled that very well.

No you did thr right thing

You are my new god!! Or goddess!!! I so need to start this with my lazy teen - well done you - you were brilliant!!!

Nonsense if teen expects the benefits of being part of a family they need to actively contribute. A 17 year old looking after a sibling is a very normal part of life and important for teens to know the world doesn’t revolve around them.

Exactly.

She doesn't get to choose what she wants to do. She is incredibly selfish and you handled it very well OP. In fact, you didn't even need migraine as a reason. She needs to help just like everybody else.

Well she's going to make a fine nurse if she can't appreciate the symptoms of a migraine! How does she think that would work out on the ward? A patient's in pain but your daughter wants a cup of coffee - is she going to just ignore them and put herself first?

OP, I was an awful 17 year old, and am now a reasonable and not too selfish adult. You are doing the right thing to let her learn from consequences. Also, she will come back to normal. 17 year olds can be incredibly selfish.

How often am I asking her to look after you get sibling because I'm desperate due to feeling unwell? I'd say I've asked that of her a handful of times this year, maybe 3 times in 12 months.

How often does she babysit her younger sister for cash? Plenty. If there's something in it for her, she will do it. That's my point. But that's not how life works is it. Not if you want friends and people to like you, anyway. It's a really selfish attitude.

*younger sibling that should be

Yep you handled this well and let her feel natural consequences

really poor of her not to watch tv for an hour with her sibling when you had a migraine

hold the line lovingly and fairly.

This is the thing - I've seen her be empathic and caring towards other people, friends, extended family members for example. Her compassion just doesn't extend to her mother sadly. It does at times feel like I'm the only person in the world who she treats in this way. She's even a lot nicer towards her Dad than me. I don't know why, we've always been close when she was younger. This is what's making it so difficult to accept. I feel like I've lost my daughter.

I wonder if she feels that you are the only one she feels that she can say no to so does it to have some control?

My daughter had a phase of doing so much for others that we were at the bottom of the pile.

I remember being that age & just wanting to be by myself/with friends & do stuff just for me!

She'll come back Op & it think it's harsh of some to say that she won't be a good nurse just because at 17 she didn't want to look after her toddler sister whilst you had a migraine!