To ban my mum from my house at Xmas?

[Xmasblues]

When I say ban my mum, this would possibly mean her banging on the door, shouting through the letter box and calling texting myself and DD on Christmas Day.

Long story short:

She said she was going away this Christmas and will not be seeing any of her kids or grandchildren until the new year.

We were all fine with this and all made our own plans.
I invited my dad around instead and planned my Christmas without her.

She then had her Xmas plans cancelled a few weeks ago and demanded that she spends xmas at mine with me.
My mum and dad have broken up and this would cause drama.

She kept on and my dad said that he doesn’t want to come anymore and to let my mum come instead, as she deserves to be there more.
This sounds kind but I believe he did it as he has a history of wanting to be in the same room as my mum (they’ve got back together and broke up more times than I can count).

Last year we planned to have Xmas eve with my dad and Xmas day and Boxing Day with my mum.
My dad then invited my mum without us knowing and it was awkward the whole time.

So I change my plans and arrange my entire day around my mum because she’s made me feel guilty.
I’m not allowed in her home and so she would have to come to mine and therefore I’d be the one cooking etc too.

I’ve just received a text from my mum saying I’ll need to feed her cats as she’s going away over Xmas with someone else now (she lives 30miles away from my home and 60miles away from my work).

Obviously I’m very annoyed that she’s dropped me after I changed all of my plans to suit her and expects me to feed her cats (she knows I wouldn’t let them risk starving) but what I’m getting worked up about is that I can imagine her plans are going to get cancelled and then she’s going to expect to come to mine again.

How can I stop her turning up at my house on Xmas day?

She is very good at making you feel guilty and will ring and text crying saying she’s all alone on Xmas day etc.

I do have 2 sisters but they both live with their DPs and she doesn’t want to see them.
I’m a single parent and so she thinks she can turn up to mine because she won’t act that way in front of the DPs.

AIBU to want to ban her from my home?

YABU - do not ban her.
Its Xmas, let her come over if she’s on her own with no other plans.

YANBU - do ban her.
Xmas should not be all about her and she can’t keep expecting me to be the back up option if she has nowhere better to go.

Why are you not allowed at your mum's house?

You are allowing your mum to treat you horribly and use you imo. It’s time to put your foot down.

How are you going to feed her cats if you can't go in her home.

I wouldn't be inviting her to my house for Xmas, no.

How can you feed her cats if you're not allowed in her house?

Just be firm right now and keep to it. Say you can't feed the cats and your Christmas plans are fixed, so if hers are cancelled, she can't come to yours now.

@Xmasblues OP, why are you even still in contact with the crazy one???? you should be no contact with her and just having your dad for christmas! I would not have changed plans in the first place. let her stew! tell your dad he has NOT to invite her to anything at your home! to be honest he had a cheek inviting her last year, it wasnt his place to ask anyone!

She can hire a pet sitter to feed her cats. Does she want them fed twice a day? That's over two hours a day in the car to get there and back, and a huge expense for petrol.

Why aren't you allowed in her house? How does she expect you to feed her cats? Selfish, stupid woman, she needs to get a cat sitter or kind neighbour (and pay them) to see to her cats.

I'd be banning her from my entire life.

lol. I think I’d tell them both I was going out/away for Christmas and couldn’t see them/look after their cats….….and then either go away or just ignore the door, seal the letter box and set up a really fun festive camp for you and DD for the day.

“I’m not allowed at your home so you’re not allowed at mine”

End of. She’s talking the piss and you’re letting her walk all over you.

No one is allowed in her house.

Most of the time she sleeps in her car and barely goes in her home herself.

I don’t really know why, she is a hoarder and doesn’t clean and slowly she stopped anyone from coming in and now no one’s allowed in.

She has an outhouse attached to the side of the house which has a window open so the cats go in and out.
So I would feel the cats through the window.

She would never pay a cat feeder as she won’t have anyone go near her home.

She knows that I would worry about the cats being left alone for 2 weeks and so she knows that I would check they have enough food etc.

It’s so normal to me that I never know what’s normal and what’s not.

She is a professional manipulator though and somehow makes you feel very guilty.

I have pulled back a lot from her but at Christmas is when I feel really guilty as she says she’s alone etc and then my DD gets upset because she feels guilty she’s on her own too.

Like fuck would I drive a round trip of 60 miles a day for 3 weeks to feed her cats. And I would be telling her that very clearly!

I think you need to regime the cats as she's clearly not looking after them properly.

I'd go no contact too for your own sake.

Sounds like a totally disfunctional situation all around with both your parents. I would distance yourself from both Tbh. Not sure I wouldn't let her in if she came banging on the door on Christmas Day but it's all very messy.

I was planning to go away because every year I get so much anxiety over it and I literally dread Christmas because of it.

But unfortunately I lost my job a few months ago.
I now have a job but I’m paying off the money I spent when I was unemployed and so can’t afford it.

I’m definitely going away next year though!!

I was thinking about closing the curtains and ignoring the door/phones but she knows we’ll be here and my DD will feel really sad that her grandma is outside and we’re pretending to not be in.

I wouldn’t have her round your house at all. She causes you nothing but stress. And it’s madness to drive that distance each day to feed a cat. Maybe go the once and take it to a shelter where it can be homed with someone who’s actually going to let it in the house in December.
Next year don’t invite mum or dad. Step away from the drama.

Ah sorry to hear that but glad you found another job.

Yeah it’s tricky - I’ve just seen the hoarder thing too - which completely complicates things.

I guess one thing would be to say you were going away/to a friends and show where and then not go….and if she turned up just say the plans were cancelled last minute.

I have told her this before and she said that it’s ok and to not worry because she’ll just leave food down for them.

As the window is open, all of the neighbours cats come in and eat the food too and so she can’t guarantee that her cats will have enough for the entire time.

She either doesn’t care if her cats don’t have food or she knows that I worry about them and therefore she knows I’ll make sure they have food and feed them anyway.

I would go once, lure her cats out, and bring them home with you if you'd worry about them.

Couldn't you go to one of your sisters?

Don't worry about her cats, or her.
Let her do her thing.

If her cats are genuinely suffering from hunger they'll either (a) make more of an effort to defend their space/ outhouse/ food dishes from other cats and/or (b) visit neighbouring houses and ingratiate themselves with soft-hearted new cat-carers, and abandon your mum!

Concentrate on making Xmas good for you/ your DC/ your DF. Consider going out for a few hours during the day so you can truthfully tell your mum that you're not actually at home for her to viist.

This would save me a lot of worry but when she broke up with my dad a while ago she said she couldn’t afford to keep her cats and so I looked after them and then she refused to have them back.

Then when she got back together with my dad she went out and got 2 more and said she couldn’t have the others back.

Then when they broke up again she asked me to have her new cats and I had to say no.

It feels like the more I do, the more she takes the piss/doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of her actions.

I may sneakily take the cats and put them back before she returns, just so I’m not having to travel to them.

One of my sisters has her own issues (basically ran off from her 20 year relationship and living in a bedsit with a man she’s known for a few weeks).

The other sister thinks that our mum is going to hers, as that’s what my mum told her and I haven’t told her that my mum is now telling me she’s going away yet. I will tell her later.

I think my mum asks everyone if she can go to theirs and goes to the one that she has the best offer.
If that falls through, then she knows she’s got multiple back ups.

I could ask my sister if I can go to hers but it’s quite a lot to ask a couple weeks before Christmas.

I also sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable as her DH doesn’t like too much mess or people talking when he’s watching the TV, so you feel like you’re walking on egg shells a bit.

I wouldn't go and feed the cats. They'll go and get food from another house.

And I'd report her to RSPCA for neglect, and I'd absolutely go No Contact with her.

If she turns up at your house and won't go away call the Police.

This is crazy OP and you must put a stop to it.