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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban my mum from my house at Xmas?

62 replies

Xmasblues · 08/12/2023 17:48

When I say ban my mum, this would possibly mean her banging on the door, shouting through the letter box and calling texting myself and DD on Christmas Day.

Long story short:

She said she was going away this Christmas and will not be seeing any of her kids or grandchildren until the new year.

We were all fine with this and all made our own plans.
I invited my dad around instead and planned my Christmas without her.

She then had her Xmas plans cancelled a few weeks ago and demanded that she spends xmas at mine with me.
My mum and dad have broken up and this would cause drama.

She kept on and my dad said that he doesn’t want to come anymore and to let my mum come instead, as she deserves to be there more.
This sounds kind but I believe he did it as he has a history of wanting to be in the same room as my mum (they’ve got back together and broke up more times than I can count).

Last year we planned to have Xmas eve with my dad and Xmas day and Boxing Day with my mum.
My dad then invited my mum without us knowing and it was awkward the whole time.

So I change my plans and arrange my entire day around my mum because she’s made me feel guilty.
I’m not allowed in her home and so she would have to come to mine and therefore I’d be the one cooking etc too.

I’ve just received a text from my mum saying I’ll need to feed her cats as she’s going away over Xmas with someone else now (she lives 30miles away from my home and 60miles away from my work).

Obviously I’m very annoyed that she’s dropped me after I changed all of my plans to suit her and expects me to feed her cats (she knows I wouldn’t let them risk starving) but what I’m getting worked up about is that I can imagine her plans are going to get cancelled and then she’s going to expect to come to mine again.

How can I stop her turning up at my house on Xmas day?

She is very good at making you feel guilty and will ring and text crying saying she’s all alone on Xmas day etc.

I do have 2 sisters but they both live with their DPs and she doesn’t want to see them.
I’m a single parent and so she thinks she can turn up to mine because she won’t act that way in front of the DPs.

AIBU to want to ban her from my home?

YABU - do not ban her.
Its Xmas, let her come over if she’s on her own with no other plans.

YANBU - do ban her.
Xmas should not be all about her and she can’t keep expecting me to be the back up option if she has nowhere better to go.

OP posts:

TheNoodlesIncident · 08/12/2023 19:23

Your mum is a one woman shitshow. She is causing you endless amounts of stress which I bet your siblings are dodging as much as they can.

... and then my DD gets upset because she feels guilty she’s on her own too. Do you not see that this behaviour of your mum's that you are accepting is harmful to your DD? Your DD is not responsible for your mum's wellbeing, yet she, a child, is feeling guilty because of decisions your mum is making.

Clearly your mum does not enjoy good mental health or she wouldn't behave this way. But you don't need to be a part of it, and you shouldn't allow it to be inflicted on your child. It's not fair on her. As a child, she has no choices about the adults around her, but you do.

I'm guessing that, as you say, you're not really aware how damaging this sort of behaviour is as you're so used to it. But your job as parent is to protect your child from adults who will negatively affect her and alter her views on healthy, beneficial relationships.

I would be making it clear to a parent acting the way yours does that she is not welcome to ruin my Christmas and be making moves to distance myself from her crap. (And no, I wouldn't do anything with the cats, they will move on and find a better home themselves, most likely.)

I think you're trying to do a good job but you don't realise how unacceptable this behaviour is.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 08/12/2023 20:00

You don’t owe her anything. You are not her parent. There is no rational reason for you to feel fear, obligation and guilt. I hope you can have a lovely, peaceful, mum-free Christmas with your daughter, OP.

💐

beatrix1234 · 09/12/2023 14:30

clearly your mum has some serious mental health issues (did I say “serious”?), I believe this is too much on your plate and you’re not trained to deal with this. I would seek a professional mental health counsellor for a consultation as to how to deal with such a mentally challenged mother, this is not for you to figure out OP, you need a professional to give you some tools.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 14:33

Honestly I think you would be justified in telling them both to fuck off, and then going somewhere sunny for Christmas instead.

People shouldn't get away with this shit!

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2023 14:36

Contact the rspca about the pet neglect

Justcallmebebes · 09/12/2023 14:45

This is all kind of batshit crazy and I've only skim read a fraction of this thread.

Did I read it right that your mum expects you to do a daily 60 mile round trip to her house, over Christmas, to feed her cats in the shed??

LookItsMeAgain · 09/12/2023 14:46

Not read more than the opening post but you really need to say to her "Mum - I'm not feeding your cats. I rejigged Christmas to suit you and then you dropped my offer, so no, I will not be looking after your cats for you. Their health and well-being is entirely up to you. If you come to my home uninvited, I will be forced to contact the police as you'll be disturbing the peace so best not to do that, right? Right! Enjoy your Christmas whatever you're getting up to."

Start dropping the rope. If your Dad still wants to come for Christmas, it must be under the conditions that she is not to tag along.

I know it seems to be the defacto response but could you get a video doorbell installed so that you can get a notification before she even gets close to the door so that you can prepare yourself? Would that be an option?

LittleGreenDragons · 09/12/2023 14:56

Never invite either one to your house ever again.

Stop making plans with either, ie pub lunch, as both have form for backing out. Stick to phone calls if you wish to remain in contact.

In the new year when funds allow get counselling for yourself so you can learn about boundaries and saying no.

If she goes away contact the RSPCA immediately. State she has gone away and they have no food. Hopefully the cats get taken away and she gets banned from having any more. She is abusing animals, you need to be their voice. Actually speak to them anyway, sounds like her house isn't good for them if she's a hoarder.

Edited for spelling

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 09/12/2023 15:09

Tell her you are not her fallback person and that she must make other arrangements for her cats.

wudubelieveit · 09/12/2023 15:17

LittleGreenDragons · 09/12/2023 14:56

Never invite either one to your house ever again.

Stop making plans with either, ie pub lunch, as both have form for backing out. Stick to phone calls if you wish to remain in contact.

In the new year when funds allow get counselling for yourself so you can learn about boundaries and saying no.

Edited for spelling

Edited

wudubelieveit · 09/12/2023 15:22

LookItsMeAgain · 09/12/2023 14:46

Start dropping the rope. If your Dad still wants to come for Christmas, it must be under the conditions that she is not to tag along.

Perfect answer…and I like the previous one too. She is taking your good nature for granted…if you push back a little she may realise you have feelings too.

topnoddy · 09/12/2023 15:49

ManateeFair · 08/12/2023 18:19

I'd be banning her from my entire life.

Too bloody right !

It would make life a hell of a lot simpler all round

SecondUsername4me · 09/12/2023 15:51

Take the cats then return them the day before she's back.

New year - go no contact.

Vinrouge4 · 09/12/2023 16:10

This is all so bizarre and then I remember it’s the weekend, a rainy day and there are bored people/teens.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 16:12

Alternatively, report her to the RSPCA.

They'll see the conditions she lives in and hopefully report her to the council (I'm surprised her neighbours haven't)

How old is she?

TheCatterall · 09/12/2023 16:21

@Xmasblues i agree with @BMW6

tell her you won’t be doing cat feeding

report her to various animal charities for neglecting her animals

report her to social services and council for the hoarding issue as her home is a risk to neighbours due to fire risk and vermin etc. it’s also a safeguarding issue (self neglect etc). The fire service have a register of hoarders noises so they know that any call outs to these people will need additional care and have a higher risk status.

go low contact with her (and your dad) and stop letting yourself get dragged into her drama. Start being less available, start responding less…

good luck.

Lavender14 · 09/12/2023 16:24

Op that's really hard, your mum clearly has significant mental health issues that presumably she's not receiving any support with.

In truth, id ring animal welfare and point out that there are cats living in an unsuitable property in an animal boarding situation. Because what you've described is also animal hoarding. I'd also link in environmental health to see if they can help her with her property as she's unable to manage it and she's living in unsuitable conditions especially coming into winter. I'd do this anonymously.

In terms of Xmas. If you think she'll behave and be nice and appropriate if she does spend the day with you, then I'd leave a dinner for her this year to save the drama and then if she turns up she turns up. But I wouldn't be encouraging her to come to yours and I wouldn't be mentioning plans again. The only reason I say this is because having a rant outside your house and police removing her etc could be distressing for your dd to watch. But if you think she'd be inappropriate when visiting anyway, then id not have her and tell her plainly that she needs to go to your sisters and you won't be hosting her if she rocks up. At that point you've nothing to lose.

I'd plan to be away with dd every other year from now on so you get space and peace. It's a horrible situation but you need to think of yourself and your dd and it doesn't sound like your mum is a good role model for your dd to have in her life unfortunately.

I wouldn't blame you for a hot second deciding to go no contact and ignoring her and calling the police if she arrives at your door and becomes abusive though. Just because she's your mum doesn't mean you have to take every bit of drama she throws at you.

Gillypie23 · 09/12/2023 16:44

No ban her. Why do you let her treat you like that.

coldcallerbaiter · 09/12/2023 16:53

She is a hoarder who sleeps in her car and has cats, and guessing these cats are numerous and the place stinks? Yuk I would be embarrassed to have a mum like that, I know it can be a MH issue, but she should first get her act together and if you want to help her then you can. I would not let her come for Xmas as you turned away dad and she needs to learn that she is not the centre of the universe.

Tell her not to come, if she bangs in the door, it shows she does not respect you after you told her no. Go to the door and say nope, we will sort out a plan in the new year to end your chaotic and filthy lifestyle. If she refuses, go no contact. I pity her neighbours.

ginasevern · 09/12/2023 17:12

I think you should anonymously report a bad smell coming from her house to the council. Hopefully they will investigate and get her some help. Hoarding is a serious disorder and can be very dangerous such as a fire risk. I'm surprised the neighbours haven't reported her in reality. Also call the RSPCA. The cats are basically living a feral life. Do they ever go to the vets, do they get their annual booster injections? Are they treated for fleas? They must be suffering. None of this is right at all.

pickledandpuzzled · 09/12/2023 17:17

Easy life solution- plan for yourself and your daughter, tell your parents they can come for the meal but you are going out afterwards. So serve at 1, kick them out at 4, and go and drive round looking at lights with your DD.

SnaillikeCantaloupe · 09/12/2023 17:28

Vinrouge4 · Today 16:10

This is all so bizarre and then I remember it’s the weekend, a rainy day and there are bored people/teens.

I’m often very skeptical of the stories on here, but I totally believe this one. So much of this behaviour is familiar from people I know ☹️

Original poster

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 18:36

Thank you for everyone’s advice and those who believe me.

I have NC’d because it’s quite outing and so if you don’t believe me feel free to report it and see.

I’m thankful for the replies but tbh I’m quite surprised at the responses.

What I have said is literally just the tip of the iceberg and if posters are finding that shocking, then I obviously I can’t see just how bad her behaviour is!

I know her behaviour is bad and people must think I’m a mug but I obviously can’t see how bad it is and I always feel guilty, especially when my dad isn’t there because she’s obviously got a lot of issues.

I don’t know why the neighbours don’t report her and I think it’s purely out of guilt and they feel sorry for her.
But her garden is fully overgrown and has lots of rubbish in it and she has rats or mice (possibly both), which was her excuse when she went out and got more cats (which I went nuts over).

Every day I think about reporting her to the RSPCA but I don’t think she’d be banned from keeping animals and so she’d just keep getting more.
I have asked her to get rid of them and have told her she’s not allowed at mine until she’s got rid of them but she doesn’t think Xmas counts.

I have not thought about ringing social services.

She is very manipulative and the police and ambulances have been called in the past (a whole other story) and they’ve never reported anything and I think it’s basically that she’s an adult and can do what she wants and the resources are too stretched to do anything I guess.

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 09/12/2023 18:40

There isn’t a great deal can be done about hoarders or their pets.

I am sorry OP, I’m sure it’s tough and distressing.

MissMoo2222 · 09/12/2023 18:50

Ah OP i feel so sorry for you that you are accepting this behaviour and just thinking 'it's ok, she's my Mum'. It is prefectly ok to say you've done your bit now and take a huge step back. Her behaviour is not ok and must seep into every corner of your life and cause huge amounts of stress.

Your life is you and your daughter. Don't let her issues take that time away from you while your DD is still at home.

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