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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yr 6 prom and inclusivity

62 replies

Angelik · 08/12/2023 12:25

I'd like to ensure my dd's y6 prom is as inclusive as possible. I'm happy to organise and run stuff. Prom organisers are set on a disco-fine but it's not for everyone. When I asked what we're doing for those with sensory issues or who just don't like loud music was told they could have ear defenders which I think is insufficient. One patent said SEN children shouldn't be forced to come by parents, implying that's the only reason they did come, that I should survey for sensory needs (!) and there are other fun things (a hoodie and a water fight on other day - this has got to be discrimination) for them, that they have joined in happily before (don't know how they would know) and we can't cater for everyone!

My feeling is disabled people shouldn't have to keep flagging their needs. Society should pause and think.

Aibu that the prom attitude is quite shit or am I making an issue out of nothing?

OP posts:
CaineRaine · 08/12/2023 12:29

Have you asked the parents of the SEN children what they would require to be included? Or the teachers who know the children? Seems the simplest solution otherwise you risk missing out on something that would help or making an adjustment that isn’t needed.

LlynTegid · 08/12/2023 12:29

It's not just sensory issues.

I don't think there should be school proms at any age.

LegoDeathTrap · 08/12/2023 12:31

A nice meal and a film? A boardgame tournament?

TheDuck2018 · 08/12/2023 12:31

What do you want to happen? They're going to have a disco as that's what the majority want, and that is fair enough. There's going to be other things going on too. Have you asked your dd if she would like to go, and if she does, then it's on you to work with the organisers to help her enjoy it.
Are you suggesting they shouldn't have a disco? If so, what are they to have instead?

Muchtoomuchtodo · 08/12/2023 12:33

Our end of primary do was a disco in a local church hall.

It was organised by parents who volunteered to organise it. The whole class of parents were invited to help if they wanted to. Nobody was forced to come, but everyone did. We had complaints - from those who hadn’t offered any help or ideas.

You’ll never please everyone but it’s important to be as open as possible.

LaLaLouella · 08/12/2023 12:34

LlynTegid · 08/12/2023 12:29

It's not just sensory issues.

I don't think there should be school proms at any age.

Why do you think there shouldn't be school proms at any age? It's a celebration of a rite of passage.

Pashazade · 08/12/2023 12:35

Can you have a quiet space, near enough for the children to not feel excluded if they choose to pop out for a few minutes, the equivalent of the adult kitchen at a party 😁

AlleeBee · 08/12/2023 12:35

Angelik · 08/12/2023 12:25

I'd like to ensure my dd's y6 prom is as inclusive as possible. I'm happy to organise and run stuff. Prom organisers are set on a disco-fine but it's not for everyone. When I asked what we're doing for those with sensory issues or who just don't like loud music was told they could have ear defenders which I think is insufficient. One patent said SEN children shouldn't be forced to come by parents, implying that's the only reason they did come, that I should survey for sensory needs (!) and there are other fun things (a hoodie and a water fight on other day - this has got to be discrimination) for them, that they have joined in happily before (don't know how they would know) and we can't cater for everyone!

My feeling is disabled people shouldn't have to keep flagging their needs. Society should pause and think.

Aibu that the prom attitude is quite shit or am I making an issue out of nothing?

The response to "we can't cater for everyone!" is "we can and we absolutely should!"

I agree with the other posters that the best option is to speak with the teachers who'll know the children best, and they can liaise with the parents if required.

The key thing the people you're talking to need to remember is that a Prom is not supposed to be a photo opportunity for the parents, but a chance for the children to celebrate the end of primary school, so it needs to be what the children want.

I think it would be difficult to come up with one event to suit every child, but every child should have the chance to celebrate this milestone as they wish. If the adults organising the celebrations miss someone out, then the adults have failed (unless, of course, there's a child who doesn't want to partake in the group activities).

Chiar · 08/12/2023 12:38

Just needs a chill out room/quiet area doesn't it? I've volunteered at loads of school discos and every year the school library is well used as a break out room. These kids want to come the the event, they just need breaks or to hear it all from a distance.

Ear defenders are not enough. It's about crowds, jostling, lights as well.

TheaBrandt · 08/12/2023 12:38

Ours was in 2020 so we just invited everyone to a field and the kids ran about. That was literally it. Frankly it sounds easier than this angst fest.

PuttingDownRoots · 08/12/2023 12:43

Have a break out room or outdoor area where anyone can go for quiet. With books, board games etc if that's what people enjoy.

1willgetthere · 08/12/2023 12:44

Great that you want to be inclusive.
My DS always want to go to school discos but can't cope with them. He has just moved to high school and they had the disco in the hall and then a movie in a classroom .

So something similar shouldn't be too hard to organise, having a quite room with chess, snakes and ladders, cards etc for the children who find the music and busyness of the hall too much. This would have made such a difference to my son when he was in primary.

TheBirdintheCave · 08/12/2023 12:46

1willgetthere · 08/12/2023 12:44

Great that you want to be inclusive.
My DS always want to go to school discos but can't cope with them. He has just moved to high school and they had the disco in the hall and then a movie in a classroom .

So something similar shouldn't be too hard to organise, having a quite room with chess, snakes and ladders, cards etc for the children who find the music and busyness of the hall too much. This would have made such a difference to my son when he was in primary.

Yes, a chill out area away from the disco would be an excellent idea.

Original poster
Angelik · 08/12/2023 12:47

TheDuck2018 · 08/12/2023 12:31

What do you want to happen? They're going to have a disco as that's what the majority want, and that is fair enough. There's going to be other things going on too. Have you asked your dd if she would like to go, and if she does, then it's on you to work with the organisers to help her enjoy it.
Are you suggesting they shouldn't have a disco? If so, what are they to have instead?

My Dd likes discos!

The disco is fine and I've suggested we could organise other activities and said I'm happy to run it. But the responses were very defensive so made me wonder if I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Numbersarefun · 08/12/2023 12:57

I would have loved a quieter space near the disco when I was younger. I wanted to go out with the others but not into noisy and crowded places. I could have coloured or drawn but sort of been there too. I think it’s lovely that you are trying to think of everyone.

Nazzywish · 08/12/2023 12:57

Well what have YOU suggested OP? Give specifics of what you aim to do and that you'll run it / organise it and im sure they'll be on board. The problem is when people have all these great ideas and the poor parents who are already running something and stretched for time have extra added onto their plate when they just don't have the time or energy to take on anymore. Put a plan in place if ehat you can do, sort it all out yourself and how could anyone say no to that?

youcandanceifyouwanna · 08/12/2023 12:58

Ask if the children can feed back their ideas.

Comefromaway · 08/12/2023 13:01

As the parent of two autistic young people with sensory issues, both of whom now work in loud, noisy environments (one as a gigging musician and one as a dancer/theatre front of house worker I would say please don't cancel the disco plans. Children love a disco.

My daughter works in Access and the theatre provides things like a quiet room with sensory/fidget toys where anyone can go to as an d when they need to.

Original poster
Angelik · 08/12/2023 13:10

No intention of no disco. Just something else too.

@Nazzywish as I said, I've offered to organise and will. My question was am aibu to ask about it (again) as no one else hadvyet mentioned it. Have been I'm touch with head already asking about space and if teens can volunteer (I cld def get my 14 ds involved and perhaps other Duke of Edinburgh teens). A friend had given me SENCO lead name. I'm about to contact PTA to ask for help with games and how best to contact parent volunteers.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 08/12/2023 13:19

Maybe the annoyance / frostiness is that those organising events as volunteers are wary of “helpful” suggestions (often taken as implied criticism) that the suggestor has no intention of actually actioning themselves, just adding to the volunteers work load. Sounds as it that’s not the case here but that will be why.

titchy · 08/12/2023 13:20

Are you trying to solve a problem which doesn't exist for this year group?

00100001 · 08/12/2023 13:26

Angelik · 08/12/2023 13:10

No intention of no disco. Just something else too.

@Nazzywish as I said, I've offered to organise and will. My question was am aibu to ask about it (again) as no one else hadvyet mentioned it. Have been I'm touch with head already asking about space and if teens can volunteer (I cld def get my 14 ds involved and perhaps other Duke of Edinburgh teens). A friend had given me SENCO lead name. I'm about to contact PTA to ask for help with games and how best to contact parent volunteers.

so a disco AND another separate event ?

how does that solve the "problem" ? Confused

WillowCraft · 08/12/2023 13:26

I think the idea of an adjacent quiet room with some other activities such as board games is a good idea, maybe do a poll of the children for suggestions.
I think it's fine to invite disabled people/parents to give their input. No they shouldn't have to fight their corner all the time, but nor can you be expected to magically know what each person prefers. And organising a completely separate event just for a few children is clearly bonkers and defeats the point of the group activity.

00100001 · 08/12/2023 13:27

I think a quiet room would work best - with board games and whatnot - just a classroom that is supervised. Just volunteer to be the supervising adult and crack on.

hydriotaphia · 08/12/2023 13:28

YANBU for wanting the prom to be inclusive but YABU for complaining that the various proposed solutions/alternatives were insufficient without offering your own solution. Of course that would come across as aggressive.