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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DM to wear pyjamas when staying at our house?

94 replies

Sofitella · 07/12/2023 21:03

Now that the DCs are in their own beds, when DM stays over they love to run in to ‘wake her up’ and have cuddles in bed (at a reasonable hour of course).

DM always sleeps naked and TBH I feel a bit uncomfortable with DCs getting in bed with a naked adult. No particular concern, it just seems inappropriate and weird to me. I’d never dream of wearing nothing in bed at someone else’s house 🥴

AIBU to ask her to wear pyjamas??

OP posts:
Baublewarble · 07/12/2023 23:11

This is so weird! It feels like a safeguarding issue—naked grandparent inviting children into bed with them?! 🚩🚩 🚩 I’d absolutely refuse and do not think this is normal!

you think the op’s mum is getting a sexual kick out of her grandchildren giving her a hug? There’s something wrong with you. Being naked isn’t a crime. If the kids feel uncomfortable they’ll not do it

Borth · 07/12/2023 23:26

Kangaboo · 07/12/2023 22:07

I can't believe there are so many naked sleepers out there! Don't you all get cold in bed? Cold when you get up to go to the loo? Do you all have ensuites or do you visit communal bathrooms naked?

Yep naked here too. Don’t get cold in bed and have an en suite it I need to get up.

TempestTost · 07/12/2023 23:30

Kangaboo · 07/12/2023 22:07

I can't believe there are so many naked sleepers out there! Don't you all get cold in bed? Cold when you get up to go to the loo? Do you all have ensuites or do you visit communal bathrooms naked?

I get too hot, that's a big part of why I don't usually wear anything. If my husband is away it's not really a problem, he is like a furnace.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 07/12/2023 23:42

They need to learn that people have boundaries and they're people as well and not being invited to sit with adults when they're naked should be one of their boundaries even if it's not one of your mum's.

YANBU, my own nan, 70, still inflicts her nakedness on me at times and uses the excuse you've seen it all before, we're both women etc and it makes me really uncomfortable.

It might not make your kids uncomfortable right now (or maybe it does and they don't vocalise it), but it may in future and it's ok to build their self esteem while they're young so they can still hold firm when they're older.

Duttercup · 07/12/2023 23:46

It's not something I could get excited about but I suppose if it bothers you you should say something.

J316 · 07/12/2023 23:46

The children won’t really even think about it at this age and will naturally just stop once they become more aware of their own nakedness but as their parent if you’re not comfortable with this then you’re well within your rights to ask your mum to cover up before inviting them in for a cuddle.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/12/2023 23:48

I don’t understand naked sleeping but nonetheless would teach your children not to run uninvited into someone’s bedroom.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/12/2023 23:51

This is ridiculously inappropriate and I would be having a conversation about that.

tachetastic · 08/12/2023 00:03

I think it's just common curtesy to respect the environment. I normally sleep in my undies (entirely naked is a bit uncomfy as things get squished) but on days when I expect short intruders (like birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day) I always make a point of wearing pyjamas, or at least pyjama bottoms.

I find the idea of my kids sitting in bed with either my DM or my DMIL completely naked very uncomfortable for a whole range of reasons, including that I would not feel able to check in on them or say hi.

DemBonesDemBones · 08/12/2023 00:04

I don't have a mother, but I can't really see the problem here. It's good to normalise normal bodies to children. Unless you think your mum is a risk to your children I honestly can't see the problem.

Universalsnail · 08/12/2023 00:07

Considering it's their grandma and the kids are under 5 aslong as she's wearing knickers I don't think it's that much of a big deal. I'd just ask her to wear pants.

JANEY205 · 08/12/2023 00:15

I’d find this weird too OP. I also wouldn’t be impressed at naked guests sleeping in my spare room tho :/

Haffiana · 08/12/2023 00:16

I think we should all share stories about naked mothers and little children in bed. It makes so much sense to do so on the internet.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2023 00:18

Sofitella · 07/12/2023 21:26

She tells them to come in and get in bed with her, they wait if I ask them to. They are also both under 5 so wouldn’t know what I was talking about if I said they can’t go in unless she is dressed. And they don’t know that she isn’t I suppose until they are in bed with her!

That is not on!!!

She keeps the door closed or wears clothes, her choice.

tachetastic · 08/12/2023 00:21

Haffiana · 08/12/2023 00:16

I think we should all share stories about naked mothers and little children in bed. It makes so much sense to do so on the internet.

Naked grandmothers and little children, remember. I think most people are relatively comfortable with a mother being naked around her own yound children.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2023 00:25

tachetastic · 08/12/2023 00:21

Naked grandmothers and little children, remember. I think most people are relatively comfortable with a mother being naked around her own yound children.

Show quote history

Yeah it’s a little different. Let’s not normalise children being around naked adults who aren’t their parents thanks.

WhatNoUsername · 08/12/2023 00:45

Pinkpinkpink15 · 07/12/2023 22:39

@Sofitella it wouldn't worry me in the slightest. My mum started to cover up more around the grandchild when she thought they were of an age where they might start to mind, but certainly not at your kids age. I think it's good for kids to see naked bodies to realise they come in all shapes & sizes.

I agree. Unless you have other worries about grandma, children seeing a normal naked body is a good thing. Otherwise all they get exposed to is what's in the media/internet/ads which gives them a very skewed view of what a body looks like.

YoongiMarryMe · 08/12/2023 00:49

crumblingschools · 07/12/2023 22:43

If you get too hot why do you have a duvet? Surely clothes are lighter than a duvet.

What madness is this? No duvet (or at least a sheet) means the monster under the bed can get you! Or a serial killer. Or Chuck and Pennywise (they might be an only me worry). Clothes can’t save you!

Gunpla · 08/12/2023 00:53

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2023 22:19

Aren’t all these naked sleepers freezing in the winter? Or do you keep your heating on all night or something?

No, just find that a nice warm duvet is plenty?

MeMySonAnd1 · 08/12/2023 01:01

LadyofLaundry88 · 07/12/2023 22:34

This is so weird! It feels like a safeguarding issue—naked grandparent inviting children into bed with them?! 🚩🚩 🚩 I’d absolutely refuse and do not think this is normal!

My thoughts exactly. Surely she would know it is inappropriate to invite them in to join her in bed when she is naked?

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all, she might not have bad intentions but is normalising behaviour that may put kids in danger if they find themselves in a bad situation. I wouldn’t have liked my child to think that is perfectly natural to get in bed with a naked adult.

edited to mention that this is in response to OP’s second post: Sofitella · Yesterday 21:26
She tells them to come in and get in bed with her, they wait if I ask them to. They are also both under 5 so wouldn’t know what I was talking about if I said they can’t go in unless she is dressed. And they don’t know that she isn’t I suppose until they are in bed with her!

ApricotLime · 08/12/2023 01:25

Pinkpinkpink15 · 07/12/2023 22:35

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

why would I be cold? I have a duvet!

the heating goes off when I start to think about bed, the windows in the bedroom get opened & I get in bed under my duvet.

Show quote history

I'd perish in the night if I did that.

aurynne · 08/12/2023 01:28

Helenahandkart · 07/12/2023 22:00

Going against the general consensus here but… why does it matter if she’s naked? If the children are unaware/not bothered by the nudity then who is harmed by this? Presumably you don’t think your DM is a risk to them, and if the children are oblivious then I really don’t see what’s wrong with this.
Nudity isn’t inherently wrong, and I’m guessing that the kids are wearing PJs. As long as granny isn’t coercing them into doing it, then where’s the harm?

If they’re still doing it in their teens I’d be surprised.

Would you have the same opinion if it was grandpa instead?

Fivepigeons · 08/12/2023 01:31

I think you need to be teaching your kids to knock. And then you need to be telling you DM that she can sleep in the nude but she needs to put something on when the kids knock to come in.
I don't think it's right to dictate what people wear to sleep in.. I think it's your duty as a,parent to get your kids to respect her privacy and knock so she can dress appropriately for them

Fivepigeons · 08/12/2023 01:40

I don't think 5 is too young to understand knocking and privacy. I have a 5yo and she has asd and she has been taught to knock if someone is staying over.
I mean I don't think them seeing granny naked is that sinister tbh... but you certainly have a right to have the boundary that she puts her clothes on if your kids knock.. but not that she has to always sleep fully clothed.

My children see their granny naked all the time.. including my 8yo son... because she's disabled and I care for her when she stays. We only have one bathroom for the 5 of us so often they see her getting dressed, or me washing her hair over the side of the bath. Neither my mum nor the children are remotely bothered as they know she is close family.
Like I said they both know to knock if we have a non close family member or friend staying. Kids are perfectly capable of knowing different contexts. Just because they've seen their granny naked doesn't suddenly mean they think it's fine in every context. I've talked to my children about consent and sexual exploitation... even my 5yo in age appropriate terms.
But equally we shouldn't be making a big embarrassing deal out of the natural human body.

LadyofLaundry88 · 08/12/2023 07:48

Normalising seeing naked bodies is not the same as being asked to get into bed with a naked adult. They might see OP’s DM getting dressed/changed: fine. Having an adult invite them into her bed whilst she’s naked is boundary-pushing and setting them up for exposure to dangerous situations. Most cases of child sexual abuse happen with adults that the child knows or is related to—teach your children safe boundaries.