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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable after having a baby or is my friend?

66 replies

YellowcAkesl · 07/12/2023 19:19

Baby is 13 months, so a toddler really. She has driven the bulk of the journey to meet me during my year of maternity leave. Recently I went back to work. I’m struggling a bit as it’s obviously hectic managing that and nursery and the adjustment. My partner works away fortnightly so it’s all on me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I said I would drive further as baby was bigger and I thought it would be ok. As the day got closer I was aware that ds was not ok with longer drives, if anything he’s got worse and 30 minutes in he goes mad. It’s hell driving. I explained this a week before we were due to meet and my friend has now blanked me after saying I was totally unreasonable for cancelling and asking her to drive closer again. She is living with her family and not working at the moment (her choice) so she also has no commitments and I feel really hurt that she could be so angry… I have got so much on my plate that a four hour round trip with a toddler isn’t something I feel able to do. But am I being a dick? I’m stressed and tired so maybe I am. I don’t know anymore.

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 07/12/2023 19:25

Obviously it’s not fair that your friend has to continually drive the furthest to meet up with you but it’s also difficult for you to drive long distance with a toddler just now. She has her reasons for being annoyed and they are valid reasons for her.
Maybe just meet up less often and plan for when your DH is available so your toddler can stay home with him while you meet up with your friend.

HunkMarvin · 07/12/2023 19:25

So she’s accommodated you for a year and now you are being flaky but it’s somehow her being unreasonable?

you can’t meet halfway?

rwc2023 · 07/12/2023 19:25

Try not to make it a competition.
You're reasonable in thinking she maybe could have stepped up to make the effort, given what you think you know about her life.
She maybe thinks you could have made the effort "for once". Or maybe she's got bigger / other problems and you cancelling was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.
Or something in the middle.

if the friendship is worth it, don't fall out over it - especially when you're both making assumptions or guesses about the other.

Olika · 07/12/2023 19:27

I take it your friend doesn't have kids?

Chocpot1986 · 07/12/2023 19:28

Hi OP no I don’t think you’re being a dick! But I also think people who don’t have kids really understand what it is like? But then a good friend would surely just accept your issue and just drive it to see you. I had a lot of friends like this when I had my son, after running around for them for years but yet they couldn’t do that for me after a baby. Anyway I no longer talk to them 😂

LameBorzoi · 07/12/2023 19:31

I think a toddler screaming in the car is one of those things that you don't understand how difficult it is until you've done it. So YANBU but I can understand why your friend might be feeling that all the effort is on her end.

TheOccupier · 07/12/2023 19:32

Sounds like she's made the lion's share of the effort up to now and is understandably getting fed up. YANBU not to want to drive a 4-hour round trip with a screaming toddler but it isn't your friend's problem. Can't you leave DS behind and go on your own? I'm sure your friend would prefer that in any case!

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/12/2023 19:33

I can see her annoyance: she’s been the one to make the most of the effort for a long time and, the one time it was your turn, you back out. She has no idea if you’re being truthful about your baby or whether you’ve decided you just can’t be bothered or something better has come up and you’re making excuses.

I think it’s pretty rare that friendships between childfree people and people with children manage to go the distance and generally this is mostly why I don’t get friendly with parents and don’t make an effort to maintain friendships once people become them: too many become flakey and take on the attitude that their time is so much more important because they have a baby, which is essentially how you’ve pitched your justification here - by emphasising your view that she has no other life or commitments she might have worked around.

Deedee37 · 07/12/2023 19:34

You’re not unreasonable but she isn’t either. If she posted here that she accommodated her friend for a year and the one time the friend was supposed to make an effort they cancelled, everyone would be telling her that her friend doesn’t care and that she should let this friendship go. I understand your point of view, but I think I equally would understand her reasoning. I’d suggest you just move past this and move on with the friendship. Maybe meet her when you don’t have DS next time so that she sees you do care, and then she might be more willing to make the journey to you in future.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/12/2023 19:35

I think until you have a toddler you don’t understand how difficult they are to transport around. What you should do, if you have the option, is go see your friend without your child

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/12/2023 19:35

I think until you have a toddler you don’t understand how difficult they are to transport around. What you should do, if you have the option, is go see your friend without your child

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/12/2023 19:35

YABU.
If you'd made the effort before now your 13 month old would probably be fine with these sort of journeys.
You can't keep expecting her to come to you and paying petrol etc for the journey and expect her to think it's still a 2 way friendship. Even the way you write about her and your sob story background comes across like you feel entitled to her visiting you.
Oh and your DH working away every 2 weeks is NOT the same as it being "all on you" in any way shape or form.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and like the world owes you.

LeedsZebra90 · 07/12/2023 19:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable, its really hard travelling long journeys with kids, but I don't think your friend is either. Meet half way? Get childcare for a day to go see her? She has made an effort for a year, she doesn't work so likely a financial impact of that 4 hour round trip and I doubt she has no other commitments just cause she has no children. Friendship has to work both ways.

UsingChangeofName · 07/12/2023 19:41

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/12/2023 19:35

YABU.
If you'd made the effort before now your 13 month old would probably be fine with these sort of journeys.
You can't keep expecting her to come to you and paying petrol etc for the journey and expect her to think it's still a 2 way friendship. Even the way you write about her and your sob story background comes across like you feel entitled to her visiting you.
Oh and your DH working away every 2 weeks is NOT the same as it being "all on you" in any way shape or form.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and like the world owes you.

This.

I can't believe you've not done any of the traveling for a whole year!

HiCandles · 07/12/2023 19:42

By 4 hour round trip you mean it's 2 hours in the car one way, yes? If so we do that to see family and would only go for a whole weekend, with careful timing of the journeys. Eg drive once he's gone 'to bed' in the car and is transferred out at the other end to the travel cot. Or start in naptime, stop when he wakes, continue after snack. It's so boring for a toddler in the car.
I don't think she can possibly understand unless she's had her own children how much planning is required to go into such a long journey to make it bearable for you both.
Can you meet her halfway, ie an hour? That length journey is much easier to do in a single naptime.

billy1966 · 07/12/2023 19:43

A toddler screaming in a car is so stressful and so dangerous IMO.
There is no way I would do it.

Let your friend be upset.
Until you have children you really can't understand how difficult the juggling can be.

Friends either try or don't.
You have apologised and explained.
Give her space.
Friendships either survive children or tgey don't.

I wouldn't dream of travelling that distance.

My children were utter nightmares in the car beyond 90 minutes 🙄.

We tried to push it but it was awfully stressful.

They are only ok as young adults.

OP, go easy on yourself.
You are juggling a lot.

Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 19:43

You're being a little judgemental about her life to just assume because of the information you have she's in a position to come to you all the time without the expectation that it is shared more, especially given how accommodating she's been the past year. What if she has financial issues and can't keep fronting the travel cost to come to you? What if she's struggling with her mental health and needs to feel appreciated in her friendships? What if she doesn't actually like driving all that much? You're essentially saying that your time and comfort is more important than hers.
It is difficult to travel with small children so I'm not minimising that for you and you're not necessarily unreasonable to ask her to think with you how you can rearrange plans to help with that, but your go to is to criticize her and pass judgements about why she should just do what you want without her feeling any kind of frustration about that and that does make you unreasonable in my opinion.

Nellz · 07/12/2023 19:44

Are there ways you could perhaps make the journey easier for the baby? I'm sure your friend would appreciate the effort.

My baby hates being awake in a car for more than 30 mins, so we always travel longer distances when he should be sleeping. For very long journeys, I take the train so I can entertain him / feed him / whatever he needs.

It might also be worth checking whether the car seat can be adjusted to be more comfortable. This made things easier for us! They grow so fast, it's easy to get behind on adjusting all the pads etc.

QueenBean22 · 07/12/2023 19:47

You sound like you have your hands full. I wouldn’t be doing a long drive on my own with a toddler who doesn’t like it. You are not a dick.

Original poster
YellowcAkesl · 07/12/2023 19:47

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/12/2023 19:35

YABU.
If you'd made the effort before now your 13 month old would probably be fine with these sort of journeys.
You can't keep expecting her to come to you and paying petrol etc for the journey and expect her to think it's still a 2 way friendship. Even the way you write about her and your sob story background comes across like you feel entitled to her visiting you.
Oh and your DH working away every 2 weeks is NOT the same as it being "all on you" in any way shape or form.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and like the world owes you.

@SisterMichaelsHabit my dp is away for a fortnight then back for two nights, then away again. So yes, it’s all on me and no magic fairies come to collect our child and take them to nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowcAkesl · 07/12/2023 19:48

Nellz · 07/12/2023 19:44

Are there ways you could perhaps make the journey easier for the baby? I'm sure your friend would appreciate the effort.

My baby hates being awake in a car for more than 30 mins, so we always travel longer distances when he should be sleeping. For very long journeys, I take the train so I can entertain him / feed him / whatever he needs.

It might also be worth checking whether the car seat can be adjusted to be more comfortable. This made things easier for us! They grow so fast, it's easy to get behind on adjusting all the pads etc.

@Nellz yes I think I could make more effort it’s the fact I’m now back at work so I’m exhausted and I can’t help but feel that an extra 45 mins for her is nothing in comparison. I don’t feel it was fair for her to blank me on the back of this.

OP posts:
Notanotheruser111 · 07/12/2023 19:50

Also had a screamer in the car. The things that helped us were making sure he didn’t have an empty stomach before the trip and travelling when he was supposed to be asleep. As he got older we understood that he suffers quite badly from motion sickness.

huggyduggy54 · 07/12/2023 19:51

Yes it is stressful driving with children but you didn't even try and sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and start to make an effort back as annoying as it is otherwise you won't be driving anywhere for the next couple of years as can always find a reason why a 1,2,3 year old hates car journeys. I think if I was your friend I would appreciate more you saying 'I'm going to try the drive I'm really nervous and if the journeys a nightmare can we meet somewhere closer' and then make a plan B just incase the journey doesn't go to plan. Putting it all on your friend all the time isn't fair.

Rosiiee · 07/12/2023 19:52

I suppose I can see where you’re both coming from. My youngest hates the car and it makes drives very stressful. If I’m due somewhere I try to time the drives with his naps so he’ll just fall asleep and if not around naptime I bring snacks. There’s also car toys you can put on the window to try and distract them. I get how stressful driving with a crying baby is!

On the other hand, if I’d been making the effort to travel to see a friend for the past year (regardless of my current work situation) I’d be peeved she couldn’t try to make it work to see me. It would feel like the friendship is one sided.

laurenlodge · 07/12/2023 19:53

How long are you expecting her to do all the running around for? Another year? Five? It's your right not to travel but you don't get to be annoyed she's frustrated with you. And quite frankly given how patronising you are about her life you're lucky she's put this much effort in to date.