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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable after having a baby or is my friend?

66 replies

YellowcAkesl · 07/12/2023 19:19

Baby is 13 months, so a toddler really. She has driven the bulk of the journey to meet me during my year of maternity leave. Recently I went back to work. I’m struggling a bit as it’s obviously hectic managing that and nursery and the adjustment. My partner works away fortnightly so it’s all on me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I said I would drive further as baby was bigger and I thought it would be ok. As the day got closer I was aware that ds was not ok with longer drives, if anything he’s got worse and 30 minutes in he goes mad. It’s hell driving. I explained this a week before we were due to meet and my friend has now blanked me after saying I was totally unreasonable for cancelling and asking her to drive closer again. She is living with her family and not working at the moment (her choice) so she also has no commitments and I feel really hurt that she could be so angry… I have got so much on my plate that a four hour round trip with a toddler isn’t something I feel able to do. But am I being a dick? I’m stressed and tired so maybe I am. I don’t know anymore.

OP posts:
Nellz · 07/12/2023 19:54

I agree that blanking you is harsh and probably comes from a place of finding it hard to understand why a long journey is a challenge for you! But if the friendship is worth it, try not to feel too aggrieved. It's difficult for anyone to fully understand a situation they haven't experienced themselves (eg screaming infants in cars...!)

Maybe proactively suggesting a way it could work would help. Eg. could you stay with your friend overnight, so the travelling isn't so intense? Or... where could you offer to travel to which isn't all the way necessarily, but shows a willingness to compromise?

thelonemommabear · 07/12/2023 19:54

You can't stay within 30 mins drive of your house forever so yes YABU - you'd clearly decided before the trip you didn't fancy it since you said "as the day got closer I was aware that ds was not ok with longer drives"

Katela18 · 07/12/2023 19:57

Your friend isn't unreasonable to feel annoyed at this, but she is unreasonable to react this way (imho). She should have voiced how she felt and seen if there was another alternative to be had.

Is it not possible to just arrange to meet when husband is home? Or do you have any family who could watch the toddler so you can see friend?

Also, is there anything you could do to help baby adjust to car journeys as this is also important? I have a 3 and 1 year old, and my husband also works away for long durations so I completely understand how hard it is but there might be times when it's not avoidable for you to drive more than 30 mins, so it would be good to get little one used to that or find solutions which help distract them. (Film on the tablet, a "busy board", nursery rhymes playing to distract them.)

It's a hard situation, realistically neither of you are in the wrong!

ShirleyPhallus · 07/12/2023 19:59

I’d also be quite cross if i was your friend, she has put in all this effort and you haven’t put in any

There must be a way around it - travel at nap time, stay overnight with her, put an eye pad on the back of the seat so the child can watch cocomelon, get the train etc et

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 07/12/2023 20:01

OP, has your child recently had all the 12 month vaccinations? Ours was off for a good 6 weeks, really ratty etc (it was like playing bingo when we cross referenced with the info sheet and all the timelines for when the different mild side effects hit!) so its possible that in about a month your DC will tolerate car journeys a bit more?

For what it's worth I don't think YABU - it's fine to say whoops, can't meet up after all unless you come this way. For her to blank you is very U.

PeapodBurgundy · 07/12/2023 20:12

Could you possibly take the train (arranged around the strikes)? Might be a bit more interesting for your toddler, and they may be more amenable to a journey if they're not in a car seat, and you will be able to focus on keeping them entertained if you're not driving. Before my children were old enough to need to pay on the train, I used to purchase them a ticket anyway, reserve seats if possible on the route, then sit myself in an aisle seat, and them by the window so they could see out, but not get out of their seat. A bag of snacks, colouring things etc and we rarely had any issues.

Hiddenvoice · 07/12/2023 20:17

I think you both could comprise and meet half way. She’s been accommodating and driven to you for a year so will see it as your turn to travel to her. I have a toddler and I know car journeys can be hard though.
Is there maybe more to her reason as not wanting to travel tk you?

quizmasterr · 07/12/2023 20:19

The fact is if neither of you want to do the drive then you're probably not going to meet up unless you meet half way.

I have a young child but I can understand why your friend wouldn't want to keep doing the drive. I don't like long drives anyway so just because your friend doesn't have children doesn't mean it's not an issue for her to do the drive. She might not like driving or not want to spend the money.

it doesn't matter but I hate this attitude of people who don't have children not understanding. It sounds like she has accommodated you and she is probably disappointed you were going to make the effort this time but cant.

HelenTudorFisk · 07/12/2023 20:22

YellowcAkesl · 07/12/2023 19:48

@Nellz yes I think I could make more effort it’s the fact I’m now back at work so I’m exhausted and I can’t help but feel that an extra 45 mins for her is nothing in comparison. I don’t feel it was fair for her to blank me on the back of this.

Show quote history

See what you have written there, completely dismissing her time (and effort, and petrol money) being ‘nothing’ compared to it for you? That’s why she’s blanking you. You can tell from both your tone and your content you think this is a game of top trumps you are winning and therefore her needs are irrelevant to you.

Lavender14 · 07/12/2023 20:32

I used to be that friend, I was ALWAYS the one who drove to meet my friend to accommodate her with her two kids. And it did get tedious, it was an added expense in terms of petrol that was always put on me, plus that I was also tired after working long shifts etc. But I just went with it because I didn't have kids so figured that she must have it harder by default because she did.

Now I have ds who is just a little younger than yours and to be honest, I feel that she could have made more effort and funnily enough I am still the one traveling to meet her with ds in tow!

I don't think your friend is being unreasonable and I think your post where you say an extra 45 minutes is nothing for her in comparison is actually super entitled thinking. Just because it's a lot for you does not mean that it's nothing for her. 45 minutes EXTRA is a long way for anyone.

I fully understand why you find it stressful transporting your little one. But you need to figure out ways to manage this in order to participate in life! I try to time long journeys with ds napping and make sure he's played hard in the morning beforehand. I would do the same with where you meet at a halfway point like going to the park or a soft play type of place where you can catch up but let your little one burn off steam so they might sleep on the way home. Alternatively you resign to a longer day and you stop at the 30 min mark when he's getting frustrated and go for a walk etc. It takes more coordination on your part but you're the parent and you are responsible for that. Your friend isn't.

Stickly · 07/12/2023 20:40

You sound stressed but do remember everyone's struggles are relative to them. Let's not play top trumps with who is having the hardest time... Its a rough time of year as it is and I'm sure returning to work recently is the cherry in the top.

BeeDavis · 07/12/2023 20:45

I think if you’d have done the journey with the baby sooner, the long trip would be fine. We’ve drove long distance since my baby was 8 weeks old, he’s 2 now and he loves being in the car, especially if he knows we’re going to the seaside which is usually the long drive that we do the most.

WandaWonder · 07/12/2023 20:46

HunkMarvin · 07/12/2023 19:25

So she’s accommodated you for a year and now you are being flaky but it’s somehow her being unreasonable?

you can’t meet halfway?

This, people have kids life still goes on

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 07/12/2023 20:49

You say your back to work now so exhausted but when you were not at work you didn't go to her. She always had to come to you. She isn't working but has to fund the travel. You may not see her as "having commitments" but she has her own life and is rightly so getting fed up of having to do all the travelling. I did it for my friend who had kids before me and it ended up causing resentment. It's a big ask for anyone to drive a 4 hour round trip but you owe her at least one. You can't expect her to accommodate you and your child when you have no empathy for her.

Sugargliderwombat · 07/12/2023 20:53

It's not great of her but it's not enough to lose a friendship over, especially someone who made the effort for a whole year when so many fall off the radar.

Screaming babies in cars is just something people don't get until they've had a baby who HATES cars.

I personally would follow up with an apology "I'm really sorry again that I couldn't come, I'm really struggling at the moment and I really do want to come and see you, I will keep trying with him in the car and let you know when I reckon we can make it".

Sugargliderwombat · 07/12/2023 20:54

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 07/12/2023 20:49

You say your back to work now so exhausted but when you were not at work you didn't go to her. She always had to come to you. She isn't working but has to fund the travel. You may not see her as "having commitments" but she has her own life and is rightly so getting fed up of having to do all the travelling. I did it for my friend who had kids before me and it ended up causing resentment. It's a big ask for anyone to drive a 4 hour round trip but you owe her at least one. You can't expect her to accommodate you and your child when you have no empathy for her.

Edited

Have you ever driven for two hours solid with a crying baby? It's awful. I think OP is just putting her toddler first which is fine, but the friend is OK to be fed up, too.

Nosleepforthismum · 07/12/2023 21:18

Lavender14 · 07/12/2023 20:32

I used to be that friend, I was ALWAYS the one who drove to meet my friend to accommodate her with her two kids. And it did get tedious, it was an added expense in terms of petrol that was always put on me, plus that I was also tired after working long shifts etc. But I just went with it because I didn't have kids so figured that she must have it harder by default because she did.

Now I have ds who is just a little younger than yours and to be honest, I feel that she could have made more effort and funnily enough I am still the one traveling to meet her with ds in tow!

I don't think your friend is being unreasonable and I think your post where you say an extra 45 minutes is nothing for her in comparison is actually super entitled thinking. Just because it's a lot for you does not mean that it's nothing for her. 45 minutes EXTRA is a long way for anyone.

I fully understand why you find it stressful transporting your little one. But you need to figure out ways to manage this in order to participate in life! I try to time long journeys with ds napping and make sure he's played hard in the morning beforehand. I would do the same with where you meet at a halfway point like going to the park or a soft play type of place where you can catch up but let your little one burn off steam so they might sleep on the way home. Alternatively you resign to a longer day and you stop at the 30 min mark when he's getting frustrated and go for a walk etc. It takes more coordination on your part but you're the parent and you are responsible for that. Your friend isn't.

Agree. You are being very dismissive of what she’s got going on in her life. I have two kids 2 and under and we regularly do a 4 hour drive each way to see my parents back home. It’s hard but each time we go, it gets a little easier as we know what the kids want and we can be prepared (snacks, water and the ipad). I think you should apologise for bailing on this latest trip and make plans for another date. It’s two hours in the car - as the PP says, arrange it around their nap time.

KombuchaKalling · 07/12/2023 21:18

You are being a dick. How long is it going to go for? She can’t do the running around forever and you need to invest some time / effort into the friendship. I used to have a friend like you, it went on for years and l got sick of it. It was very indulgent and entitled. She would go on that l would understand when l had my own children. I now have 8 month old twins and have no issues with travelling places / investing in friendships so no l don’t

hydriotaphia · 07/12/2023 21:20

No, I wouldn't be doing solo four hour round trips with a crying baby/toddler in the car either, and I bet a lot of the 'perfect' posters wouldn't either. You may just need to say to your friend you will need to keep in touch by phone for the moment and then arrange a trip when your partner is around and you can share the driving/take breaks etc, or go on your own. It's tricky if she doesn't understand this but you have to put the welfare of your child first and are doing the right thing imo.

MRSMTO · 07/12/2023 21:22

YellowcAkesl · 07/12/2023 19:19

Baby is 13 months, so a toddler really. She has driven the bulk of the journey to meet me during my year of maternity leave. Recently I went back to work. I’m struggling a bit as it’s obviously hectic managing that and nursery and the adjustment. My partner works away fortnightly so it’s all on me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I said I would drive further as baby was bigger and I thought it would be ok. As the day got closer I was aware that ds was not ok with longer drives, if anything he’s got worse and 30 minutes in he goes mad. It’s hell driving. I explained this a week before we were due to meet and my friend has now blanked me after saying I was totally unreasonable for cancelling and asking her to drive closer again. She is living with her family and not working at the moment (her choice) so she also has no commitments and I feel really hurt that she could be so angry… I have got so much on my plate that a four hour round trip with a toddler isn’t something I feel able to do. But am I being a dick? I’m stressed and tired so maybe I am. I don’t know anymore.

How much money are you contributing to her travel costs to you every time? Anything? My husband did the 2 weeks on 1 weekend off from 2 months til 4 years old - he was 200 miles away. The weekends he didn't come home we would go to him and stay in a travelodge. We would go by train. Can you not get on a train to where she lives so she isn't having to travel so far and you're at least trying to make an effort. I really don't think she's being unreasonable.

ColleenDonaghy · 07/12/2023 21:37

It's really hard.

My eldest hated the car and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Long journeys were horrendous and if your friend doesn't have DC, never mind car-hating DC, she won't be able to truly grasp what she's asking of you.

At the same time, you just can't give to the friendship what you could in the past, there are too many demands on your time and sanity. You can't help that, but it's not unreasonable for your friend to be unhappy about it.

Sadly, this is why many friendships drift at this stage. Your priorities just can't overlap enough sometimes.

WandaWonder · 07/12/2023 21:38

hydriotaphia · 07/12/2023 21:20

No, I wouldn't be doing solo four hour round trips with a crying baby/toddler in the car either, and I bet a lot of the 'perfect' posters wouldn't either. You may just need to say to your friend you will need to keep in touch by phone for the moment and then arrange a trip when your partner is around and you can share the driving/take breaks etc, or go on your own. It's tricky if she doesn't understand this but you have to put the welfare of your child first and are doing the right thing imo.

Not sure how realising the world does not revolve around me just because I had a baby means anyone is 'perfect'

People have children every day the world does not stop

ColleenDonaghy · 07/12/2023 21:42

BeeDavis · 07/12/2023 20:45

I think if you’d have done the journey with the baby sooner, the long trip would be fine. We’ve drove long distance since my baby was 8 weeks old, he’s 2 now and he loves being in the car, especially if he knows we’re going to the seaside which is usually the long drive that we do the most.

Not necessarily the case at all. My parents are 2.5 hours away and we visited reasonably regularly when eldest was a baby - she would scream for at least the first half hour, pass out and then scream for the last half hour. It was torture and nothing distracted her. She was the same on local journeys but at least they were brief.

As she got older she got much better - forward facing helped, as did a more upright car seat than the infant carrier. She's 5 now and great in the car.

Youngest was born during covid and we travelled much less, but she was great in the car from the get go. They're all different.

Livingoncaffeine · 07/12/2023 21:43

YABU - you can’t blame being back at work when you also didn’t go go hers when you had all the time in the world on maternity leave. Two hours should be no problem, go during nap time and then head back at bedtime or even better stay the night and travel back during the next nap time. You shouldn’t have agreed to it if you don’t feel comfortable travelling that far with a child. Yes it’s a long way but if you really value the friendship it would be worth it.

I once drove four hours in one journey with my toddler. It was a nightmare, he was sick, he fell asleep just when I wanted to stop for a wee, basically just a really bad drive. But it was so worth it for the memories and time I had with a special friend.

Barneysma2 · 07/12/2023 21:47

She is probably really fed up of coming to you all the time and was looking forward to seeing you where she doesn't have to do the 4 hour round trip so she is probably feeling annoyed you agreed to see her then cancelled. It doesn't matter if she doesn't have kids, her time is just as important as yours and friendship should work both ways. It's hard when one friend has a kid and the other doesn't, you really do need to try and make the effort to see her, appreciate it is difficult though. Best thing would be to organise it when your husband is home then you can go without your child as taking a screaming child on a 4 hour round trip doesn't sound fun tbh