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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable after having a baby or is my friend?

66 replies

YellowcAkesl · 07/12/2023 19:19

Baby is 13 months, so a toddler really. She has driven the bulk of the journey to meet me during my year of maternity leave. Recently I went back to work. I’m struggling a bit as it’s obviously hectic managing that and nursery and the adjustment. My partner works away fortnightly so it’s all on me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I said I would drive further as baby was bigger and I thought it would be ok. As the day got closer I was aware that ds was not ok with longer drives, if anything he’s got worse and 30 minutes in he goes mad. It’s hell driving. I explained this a week before we were due to meet and my friend has now blanked me after saying I was totally unreasonable for cancelling and asking her to drive closer again. She is living with her family and not working at the moment (her choice) so she also has no commitments and I feel really hurt that she could be so angry… I have got so much on my plate that a four hour round trip with a toddler isn’t something I feel able to do. But am I being a dick? I’m stressed and tired so maybe I am. I don’t know anymore.

OP posts:

tachycardigan · 07/12/2023 21:47

Do you ever offer her petrol money?

When your dc is older and if she ever has a baby, will you make the 4 hour trip to see her? Be honest.

Wishitsnows · 07/12/2023 21:56

YABU that you can’t make just one journey. Did you when you were pregnant at all? I really don’t understand all these people that say childless people can’t understand the struggle. I used to hate that pre children. Since I have had them my opinion hasn’t changed and it was exactly as expected. Not sure how some people think you need to have a child to get what it might be like.

Vinrouge4 · 07/12/2023 21:58

Honestly OP. Ignore the nasty bitchy comments and do what makes your life easier. You sound tired and stressed and a good friend will understand.

HalebiHabibti · 07/12/2023 21:59

Can you get the train to her? I prefer a train journey to a car journey with a toddler, you have far more freedom to attend to them.

Feelinadequate23 · 07/12/2023 22:05

You can't drive a long distance with a screaming toddler, it's incredibly stressful and dangerous, and it's totally unfair on the baby too. If she can't understand that, it's too bad.

I don't think you should be annoyed with your friend for not doing the journey again herself though, as she's been doing it for a year now. In your shoes I'd maybe just explain that the journey simply isn't possible for you at the moment due to your baby and you don't' expect her to keep having to do the journey either, but the friendship is important to you you'd love some long facetime conversations after baby's gone to bed, or similar. And you promise to make the journey once child is old enough to cope (hopefully once they are 2 and can watch something on an Ipad for a while) or once your DH's shifts improve and you can escape on your own to see her.

If she expects you to do the journey whilst your child is screaming then unfortunately the friendship won't survive.

Feelinadequate23 · 07/12/2023 22:06

@Wishitsnows you've obviously not had a car screamer yourself. On what planet is it OK to allow a baby to cry like that for 2 hours?!

MeinKraft · 07/12/2023 22:06

YANBU

But I think a child free meet up would do you both good

GoonDog · 07/12/2023 22:07

Vinrouge4 · 07/12/2023 21:58

Honestly OP. Ignore the nasty bitchy comments and do what makes your life easier. You sound tired and stressed and a good friend will understand.

Except the OP had it easier when she was on maternity leave, and still didn't make the effort.

Friendship is 2 way, and you could make it work if you wanted to.

Cookiedough123 · 07/12/2023 22:12

As someone who’s baby is currently 14 months old and also feeling the struggles of going back to work and doing a lot of the ferrying around and baby care myself I say YANBU. Unfortunately some people don’t understand. I think as long as you see her point of view and can be apologetic then that’s all you can do. But I wouldn’t do it either especially at this time of year it’s so hectic and busy!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 22:14

You're not unreasonable to not do a trip your child will scream through.

She is not unreasonable to think she's the only one making the effort and that left to you, there would be no friendship.

Can you catch a train?

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 07/12/2023 22:14

It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. If your toddler can't make the journey then you can't go, simple as that. I totally get your friend is passed off and blanking you is childish. I think just contact her best you can and explain your situation and make an appointment to meet her some weekend Dh is home. Its all you can do for now. Having a 13 mth old and working FT is incredibly difficult, she needs to understand this, if she is a good friend she will

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 07/12/2023 22:19

YABU. I have a couple of friends that always expect me to do the travelling around and always come up with a reason last minute as to why they can't do it. Yes, I have young children and a baby.
I see why it is hard for you but you shouldn't have said yes in the first place just to cancel last minute. Can you get the train?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 23:04

I think you should really apologize for cancelling, let her know how much you appreciate she's been making the effort during mat leave and offer to drive to her house/area without the baby when your partner is around To look after baby, and do not cancel that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 23:05

Ps read a book called olive

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 08/12/2023 08:30

Sugargliderwombat · 07/12/2023 20:54

Have you ever driven for two hours solid with a crying baby? It's awful. I think OP is just putting her toddler first which is fine, but the friend is OK to be fed up, too.

Show quote history

Yes I have driven with a crying child and yes it is awful but to agree to drive for a friend then change the terms and put all the burden on her again is unfair and entitled. If op had come on and said "I am finding it really tough that my child cries in the car for long periods of time and it's damaging friendships" I would have had more empathy. Its the expectation on the basis she doesn't have children, doesn't have a job and according to op has no commitments. She sounds incredibly disrespectful to the friend who has been the one making the long journey for the last year to keep the friendship going. There is zero understanding for the cost it's causing the friend or the stress or resentment. She chose to have a baby the friend didn't but the friend is expected to make the sacrifice yet again because op changed the plans

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 08/12/2023 09:35

This is why most of my friendships with parents have really cooled since they've had kids. (I'm single, live alone and no children).

Apart from one friend though, she lives an hour away and is a gem! She meets halfway, we take turns visiting each other, sometimes with her babies sometimes without, she remembers details about my life, can talk about a wide range of things beyond kids. She has matured through relationships, engagement, marriage and children but she is still the same bright, fun, interesting person she was in her twenties.

The point is - She doesn't have as much carefree time as she used to, but she makes efforts. As her child free, single friend I absolutely adore her for it and in return I make efforts too.

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