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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel DD's sleepover because she has been yelling at me for 3 hours !

62 replies

scatterbrain · 14/03/2008 09:11

To cut a long story short - my dd is 7 and appears to have anger management issues - but only at home ! She is an angel at school and the teachers clearly don't believe me that she is a nightmare at home !

Well - she had a friend coming for a sleepover tonight - been booked for weeks - then this morning she started ranting at me at 5.30am - being really rude and shouting and screaming at me. I sent her to her bedroom and she just kept coming back and yelling abuse at me - the usual crap - hates me. I'm the worst mummy in world etc etc - so I started the I'll give you three chances routine - and if you don't start behaving I will cancel sleepover ! So she caries on - I get to the last warning - remind her and she screams a torrent of sbuse at me - so I picked up my mobile ant started texting the mum - dd grabs my phone off me and runs away with it ! Eventually she brings it back - all the while shouting at me and saying that I won't cancel it because I never do cancel stuff when I say I am going to - which isn't true anyway - but now I have cancellled it and I feel so bad for the other little girl who will be really upset I know !

So - am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:

saltire · 14/03/2008 09:13

No. i ahve cancelled one, the DSes were supposed to be having a friend over and I've called it off becasue they were throwing food at each other and using the F word last night

seeker · 14/03/2008 09:13

Absolutely not.

ska · 14/03/2008 09:15

not at all, she will eventually learn that she has a part to play in how she is treated by you. she will learn, my dss did, eventually. i took home a boy we had for a sleepover (at 10.30 at night ) because dss yelled at his little sister and called her a fucking bitch. she had wanted to come in and see what fun they were having. he was showing off. he is now always given a choice 'behave like this if you want OR have (insert nice thing), your choice'

Original poster

scatterbrain · 14/03/2008 09:16

Thank you thank you - I am sitting here feeling like a complete bitch !!

We have loads of lovely girlie stuff planned for the weekend as dh is away - so I guess she will get over it !! or if she doesn't I have more things to cancel !!

Not sure she learns anything from it though - she didn't go to her best friend's party a few months back for the same reason and she doesn't seem to have any remorse !

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 14/03/2008 09:16

Goodness, I'd be fuming if DD behaved like that. No you are not unreasonable, at all.
If she were mine she'd be coming in frm school having a sandwich and going straight to bed.

flowerybeanbag · 14/03/2008 09:17

YANBU, and if you said you would cancel it if she carried on shouting and she then carried on shouting it's really important that you did cancel it.

seeker · 14/03/2008 09:17

I have to say I would cancel the "lovely girly stuff" too. But I a notoriously tough mum!

ska · 14/03/2008 09:18

she will eventually ocnnect the tow things. she is young and it takes a while to 'engage the adult' as the books say
make sure the nice girlie things are conditional on good behaviour

EllieG · 14/03/2008 09:19

YANBU. Well done you for sticking to your guns.

OrmIrian · 14/03/2008 09:19

YANBU. I'd have wanted to do the same but am usually too soft. But the comment about you not carrying out your threats would have done it for me But prepare to feel like a complete cow for the rest of the day.

My DD is usually wonderful but can have her moments like yours. But thankfully very few and far between.

ska · 14/03/2008 09:19

and now in english..
she will eventually connect the two things. she is young and it takes a while to 'engage the adult' as the books say.

make sure the nice girlie things are conditional on good behaviour

Freckle · 14/03/2008 09:31

Your dd sounds like my DS2. He has always had anger management issues (although when I went to my GP for some guidance as to where to find courses aimed at children, he told me DS2 was perfectly normal!) and is prone to screaming and shouting. I do think they get into a "zone" where they can't back down and just end up getting into deeper and deeper trouble.

I have cancelled things when I've threatened them, but do feel very bad about it as it usually involves spoiling some other child's treat too. I think you did the right thing and I'm sure the other child's mum will understand why you had to cancel.

DS2 is 12 now and still has anger problems, but is beginning to learn how to control them and is aware of potential consequences. He is extremely hard work, but, conversely, is also a very remarkable and rewarding child to have.

I do find that exhausting him physically helps . Lots of sports, etc.

Original poster

scatterbrain · 14/03/2008 09:32

Thanks everyone - just spoke to the other mum and she is absolutely cool with it too and agrees with me. Have rescheduled it as well - to soften blow to the friend !

Why does it get harder every year - stupid me thought the baby stage would be the hardest !!

Feel like a really crap and useless mum now !

Yes OrmIrian - that was what actually did it for me too - when she said that I KNEW that I would be going through with it !!

OP posts:

marina · 14/03/2008 09:35

YANBU, we have a cross boy of 8 but he tends to flare up and die down, not do extended rage.
I am always quite willing to give him two chances to cool it, explain and apologise, and then, kerpoof, the DS Lite ends up on top of the wardrobe again.
Do you try strategies with her to help her manage her feelings better?
I am sure the other mum will understand. I think it is overall a helpful experience for children to understand that adults stick to their sanctions and that bad behaviour in one location has repercussions elsewhere.

Monkeybird · 14/03/2008 09:36

sounds familiar (DS1 is 9 and still kicks off like this...) YANBU at all.

We now have a rule in our house that he is not allowed to enter rooms other than the kitchen first thing in the morning, or directly after school until he has eaten a bowl of cereal, some toast or similar because it is almost always about hunger. Doesn't help every time but does limit the extent to the fury somewhat. But no, I'd do exactly the same (in fact am considering cancelling his after-school arrangement with his friend after Easter for precisely the same reasons...)

Original poster

scatterbrain · 14/03/2008 09:38

Hi Marina - no not using any strategies really - tried that 1,2,3 Magic thing - but it seemed to enflame her even more ! Have also tried the "How to talk so children listen" stuff but admittedly a bit half heartedly as she usually just shouts over whatever we try and say anyway !

Is there anything you recommend ?

Once she is on a rant she is virtually unstoppable and she won't be diverted or hugged or anything !

OP posts:

Tinker · 14/03/2008 09:40

You did right scatterbrain

ska · 14/03/2008 09:41

yes hunger definitely makes it worse. we used to make sure we gave dss a snack very 2 or 3 hours even if only a banana

Original poster

scatterbrain · 14/03/2008 09:43

Sometimes it is food related with dd too - but sometimes she is just being ANGRY !! Furious and livid !! Loses the plot !!

if there is a magic pill someone please tell me where to get it ? For me or her - LOL !!!

OP posts:

soapbox · 14/03/2008 09:47

I too think you are doing the right thing SB, even if it does feel harsh.

My 7YO DS has angry episodes, but they never last longer than 30 seconds or so. How on earth you manage with 3 hours of it, is beyond me!

We have always tried to follow through on what we threaten, although I have learned over the years to think very hard about what the sanction will be! I think perhaps in your case, I would have threatened the withdrawal of one of your other girlie treats from the weekend rather than the sleepover - purely because its withdrawal is very hard on the other child involved.

We had a lovely family weekend planned last year, when my mother was down, and every single time we left the house, I was straight back again with my DS, as he had kicked off for one reason or another! Very wearing - but he's not going to get away with it - not ever

Fennel · 14/03/2008 09:48

My 7yo dd had a long phase recently of being quite horrible. With her she internalised all the anger so she doesn't shout but she goes sulky and moody and uncooperative.

What we did - a bit as you are trying - was cancel several treats, very clearly. (a planned weekend in London, also we packed the tv away for a week). And then we started monitoring her bedtime a bit more, she generally reads in bed for several hours. Which is great in terms of reading practice but I think she was just getting too tired. That made a big difference. Lights out by 8pm prompt. Since we did that her behaviour has really improved a lot.

so for us the two-pronged approach of removing treats + making sure she got more sleep worked.

btw I don't think you are being at all unreasonable, you are being far far milder than I would be if my child yelled at me for 3 hours.

sleepycat · 14/03/2008 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleduck · 14/03/2008 10:00

It was very good that you stuck to your guns - well done.

I know what you mean about feeling worried about the other little girl. I always worry about this. On one hand, the other little girl is being punished too, but on the other hand, maybe your dd will pay attention if her friend is a bit upset with her, or if dd knows HER behaviour caused her friend to also be upset.

Tis hard, but you did good.

Btw, was this maybe triggered by a bit of anxiety about the friend staying over?

UniversallyChallenged · 14/03/2008 10:09

I had to do this a few months back. Felt so awful for the other girl . My dd really learnt her lesson tho - she even wrote a "sorry" letter to the other girl and her family for letting them down.

It's a horrid thing to have to do, but you are right to do it.

the same dd still remembers me not letting her go to an Alton Towers type place because her behaviour was so bad. All the other family went - dh stayed back with her. this was 9 YEARS AGO!! She learnt then when we say something we stick to it (though it's really hard sometimes isnt it?)

Original poster

scatterbrain · 14/03/2008 10:10

I am still feeling bad !!

No I don't think dd was anxious at all - she just gets furious with me and dh about nothing ! Hard to explain really - but everything has to be exactly as she wants it - or she kicks off - so she said to me at 5.30am - Get up Mummy I want some apple juice - and I said (not unreasonably imho) No it's too early - have some of your water if you're thirsty !! And CABOOM we were off !!!

It's alwasy the same - if she gets to do what she wants to do - there is no prpoblem - but if we ask her to get dressed for school when she is playing etc - all hell breaks loose !!

I suppose she will be a very determined tenacious adult - if I live long enough to see that !!!

Other mum saw dd at school and said she looked very sorry for herself and said that the sleepover was cancelled because she had been naughty ! Very sheepish apparently !! It won't last though !

OP posts:

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