To cancel DD's sleepover because she has been yelling at me for 3 hours !

[scatterbrain]

To cut a long story short - my dd is 7 and appears to have anger management issues - but only at home ! She is an angel at school and the teachers clearly don't believe me that she is a nightmare at home !

Well - she had a friend coming for a sleepover tonight - been booked for weeks - then this morning she started ranting at me at 5.30am - being really rude and shouting and screaming at me. I sent her to her bedroom and she just kept coming back and yelling abuse at me - the usual crap - hates me. I'm the worst mummy in world etc etc - so I started the I'll give you three chances routine - and if you don't start behaving I will cancel sleepover ! So she caries on - I get to the last warning - remind her and she screams a torrent of sbuse at me - so I picked up my mobile ant started texting the mum - dd grabs my phone off me and runs away with it ! Eventually she brings it back - all the while shouting at me and saying that I won't cancel it because I never do cancel stuff when I say I am going to - which isn't true anyway - but now I have cancellled it and I feel so bad for the other little girl who will be really upset I know !

So - am I being unreasonable ?

Here's a cautionary tale.... a few years back had a 9yo girl in my class who was apparently kicking off at home, but who was usually fine in school. Once or twice she got into bother with friends though, and on those occasions mum would steam in to advise us how to deal with it. "oh, she doesn't respond well to being told off."(um.. who does?) "Try to praise her more" (praise her for bad behaviour?) etc.. From all accounts this little madam was the princess at home, and the world revolved around her. God help anyone who didnt jump, quick, when she said to.
Fast forward a few years, to a mid-teen who regularly calls her mother a f** bitch, when she speaks to her at all, has run away several times and now also physically attacks her mum.
How come they don't show this stuff in the magazines?

In addition, I've found it's harder on me to see these punishments through than it is on him. It's awful for me for him to miss an activity where he has friends and is developing things or mastering something. It's awful for the person who has to enforce the punishment!

But I have a friend down the rd who is a single mum and works very long hours, kids at nursery til late etc. She is consequently I suppose out of guilt incredibly lax with her 2 girls who when I look after (to give her support because I like her) they wreck the place! They have no respect for other people's things and no respect for their mother. They ask, they get. It's shocking. All telling off is done in a light hearted way as if everything is a joke.

I look at the eldest who is horribly manipulating already and I just think : god help her mother when that little monster is 16 because she is going to be terrifying! She already gives me the creeps! Parents have to be parents not mates is what I keep telling myself when I'm hard on ds. He needs those boundaries or he'll never be able to have the self discipline required to have a full and happy life. It's not easy but it's the loving thing to do imo!

Well - yes it was horrible picking her up !

They came out together and the other little girl burst into tears when she heard that it was off - but I whispered to her that we can do it next week instead and she cheered up a little. My dd was totally amazed that I have carried it through and although she ranted and cried in the car - she is incredibly contrite and quiet right now. I asked her to put her coat/shoes/bag in the right places when we came in and then go up and play quietly in her room - which she has done ! I have said I will call her for a sandwich shortly and until then I don't want to hear her !

I think maybe she has understood that boundaries have been crossed !

I still feel immensely guilty though !

I would actually feel a bit bad about the other little girl. Dd had a date cancelled for similar reasons years ago and she cried for hours and couldn't understand why the other parents were punishing her. I think a sense of fairness is something to be encouraged in young children, so I have always tried to find ways of punishment that don't affect an innocent third party; there are usually some sort of other option.

But then again, sticking to your guns is important. And I absolutely agree your dd deserves punishment. But I would make her apologise to her friend- and I think you owe the friend an apology, too. After all, you'd apologise to a grown-up if you'd promised them something and then went back on your promise, and this friend hasn't done anything. So treat her as a grown-up- and treat your dd as a child

Just read your last post- you've done well! That has kept the other little girl happy, and your dd should get the message. Well handled!

excellent post cory.
Well done scatterbrain. I'll bet it was heartbreaking, but it will be worth it in the end (you know that anyway).

well done Scatterbrain! I know it's hard but it will make your life so much easier in the future.
My ds has got so much better since we've started seeing threats through, he just knows that he has to take us seriously now!

As your dd is clearly doing now!

Remorse is a great teacher imo. And my m had four of us on her own and was no disciplinarian, I wish for her sake she had been because we were pretty bad.

I think I would have checked with the other child's parent first before decreeing a punishment that effects the other child. I'm glad the other mother appeared cool about it - I suspect that i might have appeared cool - and would have had little option but to accpet it, anyway, but inside I would have been pissed off - dealing with a disappointed child, (ok, point taken that the impact will set a good example!) and maybe having arranged something on a rare, rare child-free night!

No guilt. You did the right thing, completely. You are actually being kind and loving to her by teaching her what is acceptable and what is not. How kind is it to let a child lose on the world who doesn't understand how to treat other people?

I think setting firm boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour actually increases children's security and self-worth. They are reassured (deep inside!) that they are not the strongest people in the family, that there are adults who are in charge and can therefore look after them, and that they are important enough for parents to care how they behave.

Well done!

heavens to betsy. sounds like micromanaging to me, blu. don't think it would even have crossed my mind if I had a 7yo hurling abuse at me from 5am.

Blu - her friend's mum totally agreed with me - and no I haven't messed up her night at all. She has plenty of free nights as she has an au pair anyway - but I knew she had no plans tonight !

My dd has apologised to her friend and the mum and seems to have learned a very important lesson. So painful though it was I think it was the right thing to do.

Gald it has all worked out ok - v good that your dd apologised to the other child and mother.

keskidee - have no idea what you meant by micromanaging - in principle, I just think that un-inviting someone when you have invted them is a pretty un-polite thing to do, that Cory makes some important points and that whereas i completely understand why scatterbrain wanted to deal efectively with her dd's behaviour, another child is not like a toy or a treat you cn just withdraw as if they are an object - they are an individual you have invited.

Anyway....not what i would have done, for those reasons (but would have doubtless been enraged beyond reason if spoken to like that at 5.30 am)...but pleased it all worked out for the OP.