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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands wants time to think... again

105 replies

bambara · 06/12/2023 12:00

Ive been married for 18 years, together for 22. We have four children. For the last few years, my husband has increased his drinking to excess. He frequently goes out, sometimes till the next morning. He's started, on occasion, taking cocaine. As his behaviour has worsened, I've started nagging him to please come home by midnight. To spend more time with family, to have a few days of drinking a week. Sometimes he does this but usually not at all. This year, he has moved out to decide if he wants to be with me three times because he doesn't want to be controlled. He doesn't want a curfew and wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants it. Each time he comes back, he resolves to reduce drinking and starts therapy but never does it. He's just moved out again. He wants till the end of the week to decide if he wants to be with me. I told him, I've had enough; you either want to be with someone or not. I want to fight for the relationship because I love him but also for the sake of the children, but i can't bear for him to have another 'thinking week' to decide if I am worth it or not. It feels like me vs a party lifestyle decision. Am I being unreasonable if I tell him that I'm done? Breaking the children's hearts and my own (and very likely his) in the process?

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 06/12/2023 12:01

He has had plenty of time to decide where his priorities lie, and it's not to you and the dc.

He needs to move out fully. Lock stock.

MilkChocolateCookie · 06/12/2023 12:02

I've been with my DH a similar length of time and we have three DC. I would absolutely not put up with this behaviour.

User13579367337 · 06/12/2023 12:02

He’s not deciding whether he wants to be with you. He fancies going on a bender and this is his excuse. You know he’ll never change. It’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to continue living like this or not

Onionsmadeofglass · 06/12/2023 12:03

You are allowed to decide you’ve had enough and you don’t want him back at all, whatever conclusion he comes to at the end of his 3rd lot of thinking time.
He doesn’t have to agree with your reasoning. No one does. Both people have to want to be in a relationship for there to be a relationship. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone because he’s on the fence about what he wants, then that’s fine, you can choice to separate and divorce and him.

Singleandproud · 06/12/2023 12:04

I think you know the answer. Why give him all the control for so many years to decide whether you are good enough?

He prioritises drink, drugs and poor behaviour over the family unit, why are you prioritising him?

Do you love him as he is now? How he was? or how you wish he would be?

Sentimentality for the past isn't going to get you anywhere, your children and you would be better off away from him, and with any luck it'll be his rock bottom so he can get the help he need s

Sawaranga · 06/12/2023 12:04

The children and you will be much better off without this alcoholic drug abuser.

Put yourself and your kids first.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2023 12:05

Wow op. He is a complete selfish arsehole.

How old are your children? Are they of an age where he can make these decisions with no impact? What would happen if you decided to do the same?

OF COURSE you have had enough.

GrumpyInsomniac · 06/12/2023 12:07

I would honestly be telling him to move out until he decides to grow up, drop the booze and coke, and be a fully-functioning partner and member of the family. His little breaks come across as being a way of keeping you in your place, so it’s not like he doesn’t know he’s an arse.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2023 12:07

As to the 'I love him' comment...do you? Or do you love what he used to be like? Because we only live in the present.

Catinknickers · 06/12/2023 12:07

His primary relationship is with alcohol not you. Kick him out. You AND the kids will be better off.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2023 12:08

Please have enough self-respect to tell this alcoholic, drug-abusing waster to go fuck himself. Why you have allowed yourself to be jerked around like this, all the whle your kids witnessing it, is beyond me.

I would also be getting an STI check, sharpish.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 06/12/2023 12:08

OP he has had plenty of time to 'think' and his thoughts are that he wants to party more than he wants you and the family. Let him go and focus on you and your kids. You may love him but he's not a nice man and doesn't prioritise you.

You can be happy and free. Go and live your life.

Whattodowithit88 · 06/12/2023 12:09

Yabu to yourself. Maybe you can’t see it because love is blind, but from the outside looking in he has already chosen the party lifestyle over you and the kids and his playing cat and mouse so he doesn’t look the bad guy.

Do friends and family know he Sri is to excess and takes cocaine? You can bet your bottom dollar if you kick him out and walk away his drinking and habits will “come to light” and it will all be your fault because he “started this when YOU left him, it’s all YOUR fault.

He has already made his mind up, he doesn’t want to look the bad guy, he will keep pushing you until you end it because he doesn’t want to.

If you do stick around though, bonus, he gets to live the single life and then come home to a cosy wife and family. Win-win.

Its only you and your kids who are going to loose either way.

Blobblobblob · 06/12/2023 12:10

You'd be unreasonable not to tell him to fuck off at this point.

It's a control tactic, this thinking time bullshit. He's trying to condition you to accept this behaviour.

Stop accepting the unacceptable.

Beanie567 · 06/12/2023 12:12

He’s already made the choice. He wants both. And right now, he has both.

If you carry on as you have been, it will literally carry on like this indefinitely, him home until he wants a week of fun, apologises and comes back until the next one.

He's not going to break the cycle because it’s working for him.

Personally, I wouldn’t welcome him home this time. I’d want three months thinking time of my own. You need that much to really see how it feels without him around - you might be surprised. And it would show him exactly what he would be losing.

Reallybadidea · 06/12/2023 12:12

He doesn't sound worth fighting for

user1492757084 · 06/12/2023 12:12

If he does the same again. I would be telling him that, this time, he won't be coming back promising to go to therapy.

He will only be coming back once he has been in therapy for six months and he has made some drastic changes.
Help him find suitable housing for at least six months. Invite him to Sunday lunch each week and the kid's birthdays if he's sober.

Agree that he will not see the children (be in charge of them) if he has had a drink; child carers have to be able to drive and react clearly.

Expect him to be sober when picking kids up from school and doing his share of driving them to sport etc.

See the evidence before you invite him to live with you again. You have to be able to trust him to go through with his rehabilitaion plan longer term.

cheddercherry · 06/12/2023 12:14

He’s made his choices repeatedly and he doesn’t give a hoot about you and the kids while doing it. “For the sake of the kids” is obviously ignoring all the damage seeing their drugged up dad the morning after the night before… or repeatedly walking out of them and what that tells them.

He’s gone (again) why on earth is it up to him to decide to waltz back? No way I’d put up with this in front of the kids especially. Sometimes we still love the idea of someone or the memories we have… who you’ve described doesn’t sound like how I’d expect the love of my life to treat me and my children.

cheddercherry · 06/12/2023 12:17

100% agree this is pure conditioning so he knows exactly how far he can push it. He behaves unreasonably (to put it mildly)but removes himself totally (and avoids any responsibility or aggro) and then waltzes back after you’ve been frantically beside yourself waiting for him and worrying, picking up the pieces for the kids, keeping the family home going.

He’s having a right old jolly.

RhiWrites · 06/12/2023 12:18

You need to decide for yourself. Is this the life you want? I think you know it isn’t. And he’s not able to decide, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Decide to choose yourself. End this torture.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 06/12/2023 12:29

what new information to aid his decision do you think he has this time that he didn’t have the previous times? Nope, he wants to go on a bender. And this is an excuse that has worked thus far so he’s using it again. It’s up to you how many more times you want to let this happen.

MammaTo · 06/12/2023 12:35

I think YABU by not kicking him out sooner.

Don’t be waiting around for someone to choose you - choose yourself, choose your kids!

Fuzziduck · 06/12/2023 12:38

Flip the control. He can stay out if he's still going to take cocaine.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 06/12/2023 12:39

Nothing changes if nothing changes, he's not going to change, so it's you that's got to! Or you will still be living like this in 6 months time 12 months time etc

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Until he accepts he has an addiction and wants help, you are wasting your time trying to help him, the only person right now you can help is you.

Aydahayda · 06/12/2023 12:41