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Original poster

Husbands wants time to think... again

105 replies

bambara · 06/12/2023 12:00

Ive been married for 18 years, together for 22. We have four children. For the last few years, my husband has increased his drinking to excess. He frequently goes out, sometimes till the next morning. He's started, on occasion, taking cocaine. As his behaviour has worsened, I've started nagging him to please come home by midnight. To spend more time with family, to have a few days of drinking a week. Sometimes he does this but usually not at all. This year, he has moved out to decide if he wants to be with me three times because he doesn't want to be controlled. He doesn't want a curfew and wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants it. Each time he comes back, he resolves to reduce drinking and starts therapy but never does it. He's just moved out again. He wants till the end of the week to decide if he wants to be with me. I told him, I've had enough; you either want to be with someone or not. I want to fight for the relationship because I love him but also for the sake of the children, but i can't bear for him to have another 'thinking week' to decide if I am worth it or not. It feels like me vs a party lifestyle decision. Am I being unreasonable if I tell him that I'm done? Breaking the children's hearts and my own (and very likely his) in the process?

OP posts:
Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 06/12/2023 12:43

I think you’re bu to the children to stay with him. He either gives up alcohol and drugs for good and stops this fucking off and trying to come backs or goes.

Aydahayda · 06/12/2023 12:44

I agree that I would be needing thinking time to decide if I want to stay with him and take control of this situation. He can go drink and do coke to his heart’s delight in the meantime if that’s what he wants

DidiAskYouThough · 06/12/2023 12:44

Gross. Zero loss for you, his kids certainly will not be heartbroken over not having a drunken cokehead in their home. Get the divorce started, enjoy life, make plans for all the peaceful stuff you can enjoy without this trash clogging up your life.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 06/12/2023 12:47

id have left the moment he turned a coke head!

jeaux90 · 06/12/2023 12:47

Divorce is the only way. You are teaching your kids it's ok to be an arsehole and your partner should put up with it.

You'll be happier too.

redboxer321 · 06/12/2023 12:49

I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little...

Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it?
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it?

Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little...

You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you?
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you?

Lips that promise, fear the worst
Tongue so sharp, the bubble burst
Just into unjust

I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little...

You had a little time and you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you?
While you had yours do you think I had none?
Do you, do you?
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

WowOK · 06/12/2023 13:09

@bambara I don't think it's reasonable to give a grown man a curfew. He's an adult. However, I wouldn't continue a relationship with a drunk or coke head. I think you need to remove the choice from him. He can't take time to think while on a week long bender and then come home and do that cycle. I'd remove the choice and end the relationship.

DidiAskYouThough · 06/12/2023 13:52

Are the cringey song lyrics helpful to anyone?
More important that the cokehead, the kids are now victims of Adverse Childhood experiences, ‘ACEs have been found to have lifelong impacts on health and behaviour’. They’ll need extensive help.
http://www.healthscotland.scot/population-groups/children/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces/overview-of-aces

Overview of ACEs

http://www.healthscotland.scot/population-groups/children/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces/overview-of-aces

Changingplace · 06/12/2023 13:57

Why does he even think it’s his decision to make?

End it now, take control, he won’t change, he’s already shown you that time & again.

Changingplace · 06/12/2023 13:59

user1492757084 · 06/12/2023 12:12

If he does the same again. I would be telling him that, this time, he won't be coming back promising to go to therapy.

He will only be coming back once he has been in therapy for six months and he has made some drastic changes.
Help him find suitable housing for at least six months. Invite him to Sunday lunch each week and the kid's birthdays if he's sober.

Agree that he will not see the children (be in charge of them) if he has had a drink; child carers have to be able to drive and react clearly.

Expect him to be sober when picking kids up from school and doing his share of driving them to sport etc.

See the evidence before you invite him to live with you again. You have to be able to trust him to go through with his rehabilitaion plan longer term.

Why do think it’s the OPs responsibility to find him accommodation and invite him for lunch?

Unbelievable that him being a shit show is still, in some people’s opinions a woman’s responsibility.

Squeaky2023 · 06/12/2023 14:02

It is time for YOU to decide, OP.

Do you want to live like this and put up with him? (He won't change: he is threatening you into him having it all his own way no matter what the cost to his family)

Or do you want to put yourself and the kids first and having them growing up in a healthy, substance abuse-free environment?

Those are your choices.

Nap1983 · 06/12/2023 14:04

Youve hit the nail on the head!!

olderbutwiser · 06/12/2023 14:04

He's already decided three times where his priorities lie. He is the one breaking the children's hearts. I'm so sorry.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/12/2023 14:09

It's not a Thinking Week.

It's yet another Drinking Week. And he's counting on you being so distraught that you apologise, beg for him to forgive you and then happily do everything whilst he gets progressively more and shitfaced (including cleaning up after he loses control of bodily functions) until he either dies horribly or finds somebody else to enable him to reach end stage liver failure and dementia.

fetchacloth · 06/12/2023 14:14

I'm sure that in your heart of hearts you realise that you're not going to be able to change his behaviour. Only he can do that and he doesn't seem willing to even meet you halfway.
Drinking and cocaine are very strong addictions and he's on a path to self destruction.
Don't play along with this anymore it will destroy you and your family.
Sadly you're the one that may have to make the decision. Good luck 💐

Verv · 06/12/2023 14:16

Blobblobblob · 06/12/2023 12:10

You'd be unreasonable not to tell him to fuck off at this point.

It's a control tactic, this thinking time bullshit. He's trying to condition you to accept this behaviour.

Stop accepting the unacceptable.

This.
Get rid of him.

Ladyofthepond · 06/12/2023 14:17

I used to run a pub (promise this is relevant!) and the amount of times I’d see middle aged marrried men fall into the traps of cocaine and alcohol addiction was shocking. It would usually end up with them losing their families, moving into small flats/houseshares, losing jobs etc.

OP it won’t get better until he wants to get sober, and he can sadly only do that for himself. Addiction is a cruel disease but for the sake of yourself and your children please leave.

ichifanny · 06/12/2023 14:23

Spending family money on coke and partying … what a prince among men . Is your self esteem so low op ? Get him to fuck .

thatbigbear · 06/12/2023 14:28

Nope, you're done. Do his thinking for him and tell him that. You and the kids will be a lot better off without him.

Scrambledchickens · 06/12/2023 14:32

I promise you the children will not be brokenhearted,
they will already know they can’t trust him and he is not dependable.
I have just been through similar with three teens and they were not surprised at all when we split up and honestly have not missed a beat since.

JaxiiTaxii · 06/12/2023 14:35

Fucking off four times in 12 months is not sustainable OP. Nobody's happy & you must be exhausted by it all.

As PP said, I think it's time to stop letting him call the shots and silence you with threats to leave. You need time to take a deep breath & decide what you & your kids need, without his noise & drama taking up all the space.

I think he needs to go, for now at least.
I'm sorry.

IncompleteSenten · 06/12/2023 14:38

He's playing you for a fool, you know that, right?

I want to go on a drug and alcohol bender so I'll tell my wife I need time to think, go have my binge, come back and tell her I chose her.
She'll be scared I'll leave for good so I might be able to control her that way but even if I can't, I can just go have my snorty snorty drinky drinky 'thinky' time whenever I feel like it then come back and pretend I chose love.

maybein2022 · 06/12/2023 14:42

Take control of the situation, and tell him YOU have decided you don’t want to be with him any more. It will be hard, but you and your children will be better off in the long run. How old are the kids?

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2023 14:45

As others have said, he's using this to control you and condition you into accepting shit. He's basically saying you have to accept suboptimal behaviour from him and he reserves the right to behave exactly as he sees fit without any constraints on his behaviour and without you having any agency and he will flounce out if anyone calls him on it. There's no room for negotiation here: this is black and white: its not an acceptable way to live in a marriage with children. If he wants to live like this he's free to knock himself out but not with you.

You have a choice at this point: you either continue to bargain with him and spend your life walking on eggshells, praying that he won't go out on a bender and worrying about his next move. Or you take control of your life and kick him out (or move out). I understand why these things happen (I've been in a similar situation) but honestly you should have done this years ago.

Someone like this will never willingly change their behaviour. You have to take control of the situation.

LifeExperience · 06/12/2023 14:49

Why would you want a drug user around your children? That is far more damaging than a divorce, and being around a user greatly increases the chances of your children turning to drugs in the future. For their sake kick him out.

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