Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands wants time to think... again

105 replies

bambara · 06/12/2023 12:00

Ive been married for 18 years, together for 22. We have four children. For the last few years, my husband has increased his drinking to excess. He frequently goes out, sometimes till the next morning. He's started, on occasion, taking cocaine. As his behaviour has worsened, I've started nagging him to please come home by midnight. To spend more time with family, to have a few days of drinking a week. Sometimes he does this but usually not at all. This year, he has moved out to decide if he wants to be with me three times because he doesn't want to be controlled. He doesn't want a curfew and wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants it. Each time he comes back, he resolves to reduce drinking and starts therapy but never does it. He's just moved out again. He wants till the end of the week to decide if he wants to be with me. I told him, I've had enough; you either want to be with someone or not. I want to fight for the relationship because I love him but also for the sake of the children, but i can't bear for him to have another 'thinking week' to decide if I am worth it or not. It feels like me vs a party lifestyle decision. Am I being unreasonable if I tell him that I'm done? Breaking the children's hearts and my own (and very likely his) in the process?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 06/12/2023 16:58

He's an alcoholic OP. You can't help him and he WILL damage your children if he stays around them.

Put them first and tell him the marriage is over.

bonzaitree · 06/12/2023 17:12

User13579367337 · 06/12/2023 12:02

He’s not deciding whether he wants to be with you. He fancies going on a bender and this is his excuse. You know he’ll never change. It’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to continue living like this or not

This. He is on a bender. The last times he was on a « thinking week » he was on a bender. He came back once he’d had his fill and felt sorry for himself.

This is no way to treat someone. Please get out of this relationship.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 06/12/2023 17:30

Surely you don't actually want him back as he is?

I think what you want is the former version of him back.

Tell him you don't want him back at the moment but if he pulls himself together you might consider it.

Americano75 · 06/12/2023 17:31

Change the fucking locks. He's not worth bugger all.

Original poster
bambara · 06/12/2023 17:38

Surely you don't actually want him back as he is?

I think what you want is the former version of him back.

Tell him you don't want him back at the moment but if he pulls himself together you might consider it.

This. I just want the man i married back. Thank you all for your advice. x

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 06/12/2023 17:44

Change the locks- he has left the marital home. Pack him a bag and drop it at one of his mates houses for him to pick up as and when.

Speak to a solicitor when you can.

Be prepared- he WILL think he can come crawling back with promises (as he has done in the past). Be prepared to tell him that in order for him to come back you require sobriety at a minimum.

SantasPronounsAreHeAndHim · 06/12/2023 17:44

I would not want a man engaging in Class A drug use around my children.

This^

How old are your children? Old enough to witness that drink and drugs are the way to go when things get tough, or young enough to see your dad snorting coke, then think you’ll try it whilst he’s out the room?

You may love him, but your DC should be your priority. What will SS say if he’s brought home in a police car mid bender, or one is hurt under his supervision.

He wants some alone time. Ahh, help him pack, and stand at the door waving goodbye.

He doesn’t have a deadly disease. He’s weak. He snorts white powder up his nose and drinks. He’s a tosser.

You’ve given him 3 opportunities this year to sort himself, and he chooses booze and drugs. It’s time to save yourself, and your DC. How is this all affecting your finances?

BethDuttonsTwin · 06/12/2023 17:44

Who are the 2% who voted YABU?!

He isn’t deciding whether he wants to stay with you at all, he’s just on benders and wants to be free to drink and take drugs etc without you going on at him. He’s no intention whatsoever of leaving you. Get him out. I had one of these and he destroyed my mental health because he refused to leave but was destroying our family, home and finances with his behaviour. Yours probably will refuse too, alcoholic/drug addicts are very good at making others responsible for their living/domestic arrangements, so you’re going to have to make him go.

MrsMarzetti · 06/12/2023 17:48

Why on earth would you want this alcoholic druggie to stay ? Please please get rid of him, he is spoiling your life and your childrens life.

Seriously79 · 06/12/2023 18:00

I'd be making the decision for him.

Time to put yourself and the kids first.

jimbort · 06/12/2023 18:08

Blobblobblob · 06/12/2023 12:10

You'd be unreasonable not to tell him to fuck off at this point.

It's a control tactic, this thinking time bullshit. He's trying to condition you to accept this behaviour.

Stop accepting the unacceptable.

This! Also there is a risk that if you don't demonstrate to your children how to deal with this ridiculous manipulation then they will recreate it when they are having relationships of their own. I don't think he has any intention of ending your relationship, why would he when he has everything exactly as HE wants it. What about your heeds and wants, is he satisfying any of them. I really hope you get rid of him and thrive in a peaceful home with no drugs or pissed up men. Daffodil

MegaClutterSlut · 06/12/2023 18:09

His behaviour is so damaging to you, the dcs and you're allowing it. Dcs will probably question you later on, why you didn't leave and let him treat you all this way. Get rid!

Loopytiles · 06/12/2023 18:11

This has gone on a few years and you’re still there, with your DC exposed to this?

suggest prioritising yourself and them over your H and changing your situation.

whoscoatsthatjacket2012 · 06/12/2023 18:11

Cheeky fucker.
Tell him to go and fuck himself

StripeyDeckchair · 06/12/2023 18:19

Definitely don't play the "Pick me" game any longer.

Tell him you've made a decision and will no longer put up with his behaviour and unpredictability.

Life will be far easier without all his drama.

GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 18:24

I think it's time you gave him something to think about. This is no way to live. It's no example to set the children about how to set boundaries and look after yourself.

Your job is not to hang in there until the bitter end while he swans in and out with his booze and his cocaine and whatever else he's up to when he does his disappearing act, with you sitting waiting for the man you married to come back. He's not coming back.

Your job is to prepare them for the world, and you do this by showing them an example for them to draw on when their own times get tough. Show them the courage that you'd want them to have for themselves in future.

You won't be breaking their hearts if you draw a line, they'd more than likely be relieved for this circus to come to an end.

CeciliaMars · 06/12/2023 18:28

You need out of this relationship. He doesn't need time to think - he needs time to go on a massive drinks and drugs binge! He is an addict and he won't change. What a selfish bastard. I am so sorry he's put your through this, but that's just ridiculous.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 06/12/2023 18:29

You’re not breaking the children’s hearts. He is, with his inability to put them before drinks, drugs and the responsibilities of being a father. Don’t put the weight of this on your own shoulders when you’re the only one behaving in a way which actually puts their needs first.

scrunch22 · 06/12/2023 18:30

You're children have already witnessed this for a few years, surely it's more damaging them seeing that then than they're parents splitting up.

Why does he have all the say too? He's the one who's putting his family at risk. I'd also be inclined to say why would he ever stop when he knows all he has to do is run away for a week and make a few empty promises.

If you don't want this life, put your foot down and don't have it, he isn't going to magically revert to the man you married, not after acting like this for a few years. You deserve better and do your children

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 06/12/2023 18:31

The man you married is gone. At least he never was. That was his part time self, and this selfish party druggie guy is also his part time self. Don't settle for a part time partner. You and your kids deserve more.

Loopytiles · 06/12/2023 18:31

OP is ‘breaking the children’s hearts’ by prioritising her H over them. Enabling him etc.

monsteramunch · 06/12/2023 18:44

GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 18:24

I think it's time you gave him something to think about. This is no way to live. It's no example to set the children about how to set boundaries and look after yourself.

Your job is not to hang in there until the bitter end while he swans in and out with his booze and his cocaine and whatever else he's up to when he does his disappearing act, with you sitting waiting for the man you married to come back. He's not coming back.

Your job is to prepare them for the world, and you do this by showing them an example for them to draw on when their own times get tough. Show them the courage that you'd want them to have for themselves in future.

You won't be breaking their hearts if you draw a line, they'd more than likely be relieved for this circus to come to an end.

Well said, I completely agree.

SiennaMillar · 06/12/2023 18:55

Thinking about what? Whether his wife and kids are more important than cocaine?! I would have chucked him out by now OP

Lilibert456 · 06/12/2023 19:06

Some women on here are so bloody wet. An alcoholic and druggie but you love him and want back the man he used to be. That ain't gonna happen.
Your poor children having to live with this excuse of a father. You need to get rid of the useless waster who is jerking you around and ruining your children's lives. They have no choice but you do.

loobylou10 · 06/12/2023 19:22

Tell him you've now had time to think and you think you'd like him to fuck off. Take some control of this situation for the sake of you and your kids.