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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to take the baby to a light display

81 replies

NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 09:13

It's our first Christmas with our baby who will soon be 4 months old. We're not doing anything too mad for Christmas because he has no idea what any of it is, so no meeting father Christmas, etc. But the one thing he is into at the moment is lights, so I thought it might be nice to go to a light show. There's one at botanical gardens near us that is doing a light trail, but it's about £18 each adult for midweek evening (baby is free). Partner is reluctant to go, because baby may well just sleep through the whole thing and keeps saying we could just go to some garden centres for free and see their lights.
£18 each is not free, but it's also not completely extortionate in my opinion. Also we have separate money and he's not financially supporting me on maternity leave (I saved up in advance to cover earning shortfall) so I'm only asking him to pay for his own ticket / will pay for him if he's such a tight arse!

We're not going to the city centre to see their light because they have a market on and it is always rammed, and I find that over whelming myself, let alone a 4 month baby!

I keep going back and forth on whether we should go, because yes the baby may well sleep through the whole thing, or worse it may be too noisy/busy/overwhelming for him but when I mentioned it this morning partner said about garden centres again and I snapped. He doesn't drive and we don't already go to garden centres so I pointed out that I would have to look up garden centres and find out if it's worth going and drive to it and it would basically be more awkward for me. I'm not currently enjoying driving at night and car is 17 years old (no money for a new one while on maternity leave!) so I don't want to be driving out to unfamiliar places if I can help it and larger garden centres tend to be out in the sticks.

I think I need an outside perspective though:

You are being unreasonable - find something free to do / make effort and find garden centres - the baby might not be bothered anyway.

You are NOT being unreasonable - put your foot down and say this is the only Christmassy thing you are asking to do with the new baby, who might not remember it, but you will.

OP posts:

ChessieFL · 06/12/2023 09:15

If you want to do it for yourself, because you would enjoy it, then yes you should go. But don’t do it if it’s just for the baby as they probably won’t even be aware of any of it.

Newuser75 · 06/12/2023 09:15

Oh if you can afford it then go. If the baby is awake they will love looking at the lights and if not then you can have a nice time looking at them.'

Life is short. Do what makes you happy!

Sirzy · 06/12/2023 09:17

If driving at night is an issue that would be my decider not to go at all personally.

but if you have separate finances just say to him “I am going with baby your welcome to join us if you want”

Z1hun · 06/12/2023 09:17

I get your point but your baby isn't going to remember it and £36 is alot particularly when you don't factor in any other potential costs like parking, petrol, drinks, food etc.

The range often have Christmas lights on. My dd (16m) was happy in homebase the other day looking at their lights x

wite · 06/12/2023 09:17

Garden centre? Fuck that. How tight is he?

Also why isnt he supporting you through maternity leave? I'm assuming he does have some good points?

Echobelly · 06/12/2023 09:18

I think it's a nice thing to do and if baby is awake they'll enjoy goggling at the shiny things. Personally I'd go with just you and baby rather than drag along someone who's going to be a grump if he comes, it doesn't sound like there's any reason he has to come.

Topjoe19 · 06/12/2023 09:20

If he's not financially supporting you through maternity leave you have bigger problems than wondering whether to go & see the lights.

SwingTheMonkey · 06/12/2023 09:22

If you only do things the child will remember, you may as well do nothing Christmassy for years to come. You’ll remember things though - as I do from when my children were too young to remember themselves.

I’d go and leave the grinch at home. Light displays are great, and definitely not just for children.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/12/2023 09:22

If you want to go to a light display, go by all means, but it's not for the baby. The baby could look at a string of lights in your garden or a torch being waved around and be equally stimulated or non-plussed. At 4 months, it's not for them, it's for you and your besottedness. It sounds like your DP simply doesn't want to go to a light display and that's fair enough. We paid a lot more to go to one when the kids were older and we were all bored in no time, hated the crowds and got out asap. Your DP may feel similarly and that's fair enough. Go with the baby and a friend or someone else who might actually enjoy it.

stealthninjamum · 06/12/2023 09:22

Op, to me lights are no different to seeing animals/ museums / new places. If a baby’s feeling comfortable, warm and loved then why shouldn’t you expose it to new situations? Apart from anything being a new mum can be boring so perhaps you need to do something different.

Go without your dp - and I would suggest if he isn’t contributing towards your maternity leave you should get used to a life without him.

CatOnTheCludgy · 06/12/2023 09:22

I think the light show is the least of your worries tbh.
There will be many many more times that this type of situation will happen in your relationship.
I don't understand why you solely saved up to support you for looking after your joint baby. That's bizarre

NoCloudsAllowed · 06/12/2023 09:23

Go to the light show if you want to. Your baby won't get much out of it but it's worth doing things just because you want to, pretty soon you lose that ability and are more limited so do it now.

I'd be concerned about the non-driving grumpy partner who doesn't think he should contribute financially to raising your child. Why is the financial burden all on you? In addition to most of the care, by the sound of it.

Watch out for a tight arse and protect yourself financially. If you're not married, you're more vulnerable, especially if you drop hours to care for your child.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2023 09:25

Why can't you go to the light show because it'll be a nice thing for a couple of new parents to do? And if baby is awake, great.
You're both focusing this on what a baby is getting out of it but do YOU want to go? Would it to do it walking hand in hand with the man you love? Would it make YOU a good memory? If so do it and tell him in those terms. I want you to come because I want US to do it together

firef1y · 06/12/2023 09:27

If you want to go then go, but believe me baby will love going to local garden centre to look at their Christmas section and it'll be warmer.
I took mine several times a week, rarely bought anything, but they would watch all the flashing lights, entranced. Even when they were 3 or 4 they loved being taken in to look at all the pretties just before school pick up. And even better if we had cake in the cafe as part of the afternoon

titchy · 06/12/2023 09:28

Why the fuck isn't he financially supporting you?

NoTango · 06/12/2023 09:29

Go without him. In fact, just do everything without him, he clearly has no interest in being a family if you've had to save up your own money to look after his baby.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 06/12/2023 09:31

Go if you think you will love it and have a nice time, and if baby sees any of it that'll just be a bonus.
If you mainly are going hoping baby will notice it I'd take your partners view as it won't matter a jot to baby, any Xmas display lights would do, and your fun will be spoiled if he's being dragged round reluctantly.
Unless you could go with friend/mum instead or something.

cestlavielife · 06/12/2023 09:32

This is going to be your life if you stay with him
You funding everything
Him moaning
Go to the lights with a friend , spill the beans
You can have a better life for you and baby

Does he change nappies take baby and comfort it? Proactive? Enamoured? Can t wait to see baby? Sings and coos?

TheBirdintheCave · 06/12/2023 09:32

If it's anything like Wakehurst in Sussex then do it. Glow Wild is just amazing.

CurlewKate · 06/12/2023 09:33

To be honest, I can think of better ways to spend 36 quid for a 4 month old. But that's not the point. With a baby that little, he should still be at the "If you want to go to a light show, you amazing woman, of course we'll go!!"

And absolutely crucially, he should be supporting you on maternity leave. Why the F isn't he??

muchalover · 06/12/2023 09:33

You carried, birthed and nurture his child BUT he isn't financially supporting you as his family.

You have way bigger issues than the lights (take the baby anyway but don't pay for him).

Honestly you need to reevaluate this relationship. He isn't in and you're financially on your own. Jeez is he supposed to love you?

Goneblank38 · 06/12/2023 09:35

Like others have said, I think the bigger problem here is why he isn't financially contributing or supporting you while you're caring for your shared child.

Are you okay?

Growlybear83 · 06/12/2023 09:38

If your partner is reluctant to go, why don't you take the baby on your own?

Wolowl · 06/12/2023 09:44

We took DD to the light show at Wisley last year when she was 5 months old. She enjoyed some of it, slept for some of it in the sling. We had a lovely time - I did go with my Mum and Aunt and Uncle though, as DH was at work.

We're going again this week and she's 17 months + walking so it will be a different experience.

If you want to go, you should go, especially as baby is free. Is there a friend who can go with you instead as your partner is so reluctant?

You're not being unreasonable, but he is, over many things.

andymary · 06/12/2023 09:45

At first, I would have suggested why not turn it into a date night, for you and him. And if baby stays awake and gets to enjoy the experience then it's a bonus.

But considering the extra info about him not being financially supportive... Imo that's the issue that needs to be addressed over the lights seeing.

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