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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take the baby to a light display

81 replies

NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 09:13

It's our first Christmas with our baby who will soon be 4 months old. We're not doing anything too mad for Christmas because he has no idea what any of it is, so no meeting father Christmas, etc. But the one thing he is into at the moment is lights, so I thought it might be nice to go to a light show. There's one at botanical gardens near us that is doing a light trail, but it's about £18 each adult for midweek evening (baby is free). Partner is reluctant to go, because baby may well just sleep through the whole thing and keeps saying we could just go to some garden centres for free and see their lights.
£18 each is not free, but it's also not completely extortionate in my opinion. Also we have separate money and he's not financially supporting me on maternity leave (I saved up in advance to cover earning shortfall) so I'm only asking him to pay for his own ticket / will pay for him if he's such a tight arse!

We're not going to the city centre to see their light because they have a market on and it is always rammed, and I find that over whelming myself, let alone a 4 month baby!

I keep going back and forth on whether we should go, because yes the baby may well sleep through the whole thing, or worse it may be too noisy/busy/overwhelming for him but when I mentioned it this morning partner said about garden centres again and I snapped. He doesn't drive and we don't already go to garden centres so I pointed out that I would have to look up garden centres and find out if it's worth going and drive to it and it would basically be more awkward for me. I'm not currently enjoying driving at night and car is 17 years old (no money for a new one while on maternity leave!) so I don't want to be driving out to unfamiliar places if I can help it and larger garden centres tend to be out in the sticks.

I think I need an outside perspective though:

You are being unreasonable - find something free to do / make effort and find garden centres - the baby might not be bothered anyway.

You are NOT being unreasonable - put your foot down and say this is the only Christmassy thing you are asking to do with the new baby, who might not remember it, but you will.

OP posts:
MrsMiagi · 06/12/2023 09:46

I love the light show at the botanical Gardens. I would take my baby. The Xmas Market where I am is so busy and not idea for pushchairs. Yes, the baby may sleep but it's a lovely memory.
I'm also on maternity leave.
The part you said about not being financially supported is wild though. I'm hoping you meant that you do have your own money while on maternity leave, not that he isn't helping financially at all?

ColleenDonaghy · 06/12/2023 09:47

Topjoe19 · 06/12/2023 09:20

If he's not financially supporting you through maternity leave you have bigger problems than wondering whether to go & see the lights.

My first thought too...

All2Well · 06/12/2023 09:53

So what if baby doesn't remember?! They'll have a wonderful time AT the time, you'll remember and it could be a nice thing to do as a couple, should he get his head out of his arse! He sounds like a joyless miser.

I took friend's 5mo baby recently - she absolutely adored it and it was amazing to witness. A great memory for me and we've got videos to show her...she's never enjoyed anything so much in her little life...she was in light heaven and stayed awake the whole time. Getting her to sleep after was the major issue!

BeeDavis · 06/12/2023 09:54

titchy · 06/12/2023 09:28

Why the fuck isn't he financially supporting you?

Already know what his next move will be.. if she wants to return to work she’ll have to pay childcare 🙃🙃

ActDottie · 06/12/2023 09:56

Why can’t you go and enjoy it as adults? And if baby is awake great if not oh well. I’ve been to light shows and not taken kids adults can enjoy them too.

Also your partner not supporting you financially on maternity leave is awful! I’m about to go on maternity leave (next week eeeek!) and my husband and I saved up together.

PastelHouses · 06/12/2023 09:59

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

cestlavielife · 06/12/2023 10:01

..go enjoy the light trail with someone enthusiastic

Do you have family support op? Friends?
Whose house are you living in?

Haydenn · 06/12/2023 10:02

I’m even taking my dog to one. He sounds like a miserable git

Original poster
NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 10:04

Thanks all for the comments. Just want to say the "isn't financially supporting me" statement was purely for context on the cost, not a criticism.
We've always had separate finances and it suits us. Large expenses are always split and I saw my mum be in a financially controlling relationship growing up so would rather have separate finances. He has his own financial commitments from before we got together so I saved up because I feel more comfortable knowing my basics are covered while on leave. I know things can get heated on MN regarding financial arrangements, but that's a thread for a different time!
He is also a fantastic dad, partner and rabbit dad to our house buns. I think we're both still finding our feet with parenting and this is the first thing we've not agreed on so I think it's rubbed me up the wrong way more than it should have.

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 06/12/2023 10:13

It really doesn’t need as much thought as what’s currently going into it.

It’s a nice Christmassy activity and if you fancy it, do it. You might just have to find someone else to go with though…

Original poster
NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 10:14

Sirzy · 06/12/2023 09:17

If driving at night is an issue that would be my decider not to go at all personally.

but if you have separate finances just say to him “I am going with baby your welcome to join us if you want”

I'm comfortable driving in our familiar and well lit city at night, but not on unfamiliar roads following a satnav that likes to send us down country roads, if that makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 10:19

Z1hun · 06/12/2023 09:17

I get your point but your baby isn't going to remember it and £36 is alot particularly when you don't factor in any other potential costs like parking, petrol, drinks, food etc.

The range often have Christmas lights on. My dd (16m) was happy in homebase the other day looking at their lights x

Edited

This sounds like an excuse to go to the range, and I will take any excuse!
I have joked about taking the baby to b&q as a day out because it has all his favourite things: lights, curtains and patterned wallpaper. I am trying to enjoy this bit where everything is basically magical for them.

OP posts:
MrsJPinkman · 06/12/2023 10:20

Why don't you want to take him to see Santa? Your'll look back on the photos in a few years and be glad you did 🫶🏻

Original poster
NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 10:23

stealthninjamum · 06/12/2023 09:22

Op, to me lights are no different to seeing animals/ museums / new places. If a baby’s feeling comfortable, warm and loved then why shouldn’t you expose it to new situations? Apart from anything being a new mum can be boring so perhaps you need to do something different.

Go without your dp - and I would suggest if he isn’t contributing towards your maternity leave you should get used to a life without him.

Edited

You may well be right and it's just being bored and needing a change of scene.

OP posts:
NoCloudsAllowed · 06/12/2023 10:54

NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 10:04

Thanks all for the comments. Just want to say the "isn't financially supporting me" statement was purely for context on the cost, not a criticism.
We've always had separate finances and it suits us. Large expenses are always split and I saw my mum be in a financially controlling relationship growing up so would rather have separate finances. He has his own financial commitments from before we got together so I saved up because I feel more comfortable knowing my basics are covered while on leave. I know things can get heated on MN regarding financial arrangements, but that's a thread for a different time!
He is also a fantastic dad, partner and rabbit dad to our house buns. I think we're both still finding our feet with parenting and this is the first thing we've not agreed on so I think it's rubbed me up the wrong way more than it should have.

Being clear about finances and maintaining dependence is all well and good.

But don't let that translate into 'the baby is my financial responsibility and I must cover all food, clothes, childcare etc'.

It's a shared responsibility. You're financially intermingled now, whether you like it or not.

You hear a lot of women on these threads going 'I can't go back to work because we'd be losing money in childcare' as if paying childcare was solely the woman's responsibility and her career progression meant nothing. Childcare etc should be viewed through the lens of who actually wants to do it (and how much) and whether it's affordable as a proportion of your combined income.

cestlavielife · 06/12/2023 11:47

Any reason why he cannot drive or learn to?
And if he says "garden centre", any reason why he cannot research and find the one to go to? To his suggestion say great, let me know which garden centre and when? You go to lights, with friend or family, he can arrange the garden centre. Baby gets two outings, great. Don 't fall into being the organiser. As he is fantastic he can surely do this as well.

Original poster
NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 11:48

Thank you for the concern. I know there are a lot of financially abusive situations out there.
I don't have a career to speak of, just a job, I'm just in a position of I can't afford to NOT work

OP posts:
bananaboats · 06/12/2023 11:50

I'd take baby and leave him to it!

Original poster
NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 11:54

cestlavielife · 06/12/2023 11:47

Any reason why he cannot drive or learn to?
And if he says "garden centre", any reason why he cannot research and find the one to go to? To his suggestion say great, let me know which garden centre and when? You go to lights, with friend or family, he can arrange the garden centre. Baby gets two outings, great. Don 't fall into being the organiser. As he is fantastic he can surely do this as well.

Edited

We've been together 16 years and he's never shown any interest in driving, he's not going to start now.
I do wish he'd organise more. He works and does all the cooking and majority of the washing though so I can't complain too much

OP posts:
RedbrickOrNoBrick · 06/12/2023 11:55

I pretty much stopped reading at the not supporting the mat leave bit. WTF? immaculate conception, was it ? He should be paying 50% of all baby costs and that includes your leave (to mind the baby!). Bigger problem than lights I'm afraid.

Popdrop · 06/12/2023 11:56

ChessieFL · 06/12/2023 09:15

If you want to do it for yourself, because you would enjoy it, then yes you should go. But don’t do it if it’s just for the baby as they probably won’t even be aware of any of it.

Why do people say stupid shit like this? Babies are absolutely aware of things. They're little sponges soaking up everything around them including the behaviour of shitty parents.

Good, loving experiences are absolutely vital for development.

CurlewKate · 06/12/2023 11:58

You can keep your financial independence and he can also contribute financially at the same time. Please do not take this financial burden on yourself. Who will pay for child care when you go back to work? Don't let him be a semi detached father. That's no good for anyone. The fact that he is questioning you spending YOUR OWN MONEY on this outing and you are offering to pay for him to go is a MASSIVE red
flag.

RedbrickOrNoBrick · 06/12/2023 11:58

To add - being financially independent does not mean you pay for all the baby stuff ! Also as someone who also had kids with a non driver, put the pressure on to get him to. It's an absolute ball ache and gets worse as they get older

Popdrop · 06/12/2023 11:58

Sixteen years you've been with this prick! Fuck. And chose to have a baby with him!

bettynutkins · 06/12/2023 12:06

I would definitely go. I love doing things like that. If baby is asleep then just wait until he wakes up to start the trail. (even if you have to enter at a certain time you could go in the cafe if they have one or just hover around until he wakes up before actually starting).

If you're partner doesn't want to go, just go on your own with baby, I am sure you would still enjoy it.

I have seen people mention the range etc and I would do that also to get out the house. I've taken my 2 small ones to the range twice recently, they've absolutely loved it 😂