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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take the baby to a light display

81 replies

NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 09:13

It's our first Christmas with our baby who will soon be 4 months old. We're not doing anything too mad for Christmas because he has no idea what any of it is, so no meeting father Christmas, etc. But the one thing he is into at the moment is lights, so I thought it might be nice to go to a light show. There's one at botanical gardens near us that is doing a light trail, but it's about £18 each adult for midweek evening (baby is free). Partner is reluctant to go, because baby may well just sleep through the whole thing and keeps saying we could just go to some garden centres for free and see their lights.
£18 each is not free, but it's also not completely extortionate in my opinion. Also we have separate money and he's not financially supporting me on maternity leave (I saved up in advance to cover earning shortfall) so I'm only asking him to pay for his own ticket / will pay for him if he's such a tight arse!

We're not going to the city centre to see their light because they have a market on and it is always rammed, and I find that over whelming myself, let alone a 4 month baby!

I keep going back and forth on whether we should go, because yes the baby may well sleep through the whole thing, or worse it may be too noisy/busy/overwhelming for him but when I mentioned it this morning partner said about garden centres again and I snapped. He doesn't drive and we don't already go to garden centres so I pointed out that I would have to look up garden centres and find out if it's worth going and drive to it and it would basically be more awkward for me. I'm not currently enjoying driving at night and car is 17 years old (no money for a new one while on maternity leave!) so I don't want to be driving out to unfamiliar places if I can help it and larger garden centres tend to be out in the sticks.

I think I need an outside perspective though:

You are being unreasonable - find something free to do / make effort and find garden centres - the baby might not be bothered anyway.

You are NOT being unreasonable - put your foot down and say this is the only Christmassy thing you are asking to do with the new baby, who might not remember it, but you will.

OP posts:
RuthW · 06/12/2023 12:11

The baby won't care.

The lights are lovely just to go for yourself

squeekychicken · 06/12/2023 12:15

I love a light show so I'd make an evening of it and go for myself and bring baby. Have a hot chocolate and some food. If baby is awake and sees it then bonus.

SBHon · 06/12/2023 12:31

NappiesAndBunFluff · 06/12/2023 10:04

Thanks all for the comments. Just want to say the "isn't financially supporting me" statement was purely for context on the cost, not a criticism.
We've always had separate finances and it suits us. Large expenses are always split and I saw my mum be in a financially controlling relationship growing up so would rather have separate finances. He has his own financial commitments from before we got together so I saved up because I feel more comfortable knowing my basics are covered while on leave. I know things can get heated on MN regarding financial arrangements, but that's a thread for a different time!
He is also a fantastic dad, partner and rabbit dad to our house buns. I think we're both still finding our feet with parenting and this is the first thing we've not agreed on so I think it's rubbed me up the wrong way more than it should have.

Your independent finances are absolutely fine. You losing out financially to care for your shared child is not. At. All.

The baby is your shared financial responsibility. Don’t let that become lost in your desire for separate finances.

cestlavielife · 06/12/2023 12:32

Now you have a baby future child he shouldlearn to drive. So very useful. How does he get around as you mention rural roads? Or has he bought a cycle buggy attachment for his bicycle? How does he take baby out without you? How will he do drop offs to nursery and pick ups? Or to from school in four years time?

wishuponastar1988 · 06/12/2023 12:39

We took our baby when she was 4 months old last year, she slept for some of it but was awake for abit too. I'm all for creating memories to look back on so I say if you can afford it then do it! This year we found a small one in Manchester centre which was only £9 each for adults then under 2's are free (Manchester if you are close by) and it was great.

MammaTo · 06/12/2023 12:44

Honestly just go - it will be lovely! If the baby sleeps then so be it, have a nice walk and a hot chocolate/cup of tea with baby’s dad. If the baby’s awake then bonus!

Ploctopus · 06/12/2023 12:46

I went to one recently with our friends and their baby (7 months). It was a total joy. The look of astonishment and joy on the baby’s face made me teary at one point. It was a lovely, lovely experience - I wholeheartedly encourage you to go!

Penguin34 · 06/12/2023 12:48

We took my daughter when she was 3 months old, she loved coloured lights at the time. She's now 5 and it's a lovely tradition, the 3 of us go between Xmas and new year

NoAprilFool · 06/12/2023 12:48

If it’s the Edinburgh one - do it. It’s beautiful and magical and you’ll enjoy it even if the baby sleeps through it

Penguin34 · 06/12/2023 12:49

I also took her to see Father Christmas at 3 months because i absolutely NEED that photo for every year.

wishIwasonholiday10 · 06/12/2023 12:50

Go if you want to and can afford it but don’t do it specifically for the baby. Mine slept through it last year at 5 months but we were going because we wanted to, not for her.

Penguin34 · 06/12/2023 12:51

I also took her took ok the fireworks at 8 weeks old because I love them, she slept through it in the carrier with my big coat done up round her but we were there. My parents took me when I was 2.5 months old and the only one I've missed in 40 years is because of lockdown.
I will take anything as an excuse for a little family outing

NoAprilFool · 06/12/2023 12:51

cestlavielife · 06/12/2023 12:32

Now you have a baby future child he shouldlearn to drive. So very useful. How does he get around as you mention rural roads? Or has he bought a cycle buggy attachment for his bicycle? How does he take baby out without you? How will he do drop offs to nursery and pick ups? Or to from school in four years time?

Cars aren’t essential for being a parent! My husband doesn’t drive - he did drop offs and pick ups on foot (as did I unless the weather was truly awful), fewer cars on the school/nursery run us surely a good thing?

karrliz · 06/12/2023 12:53

110 billion % GO! I went last year to a light display with my 6 month old and it was the best Christmas memory!

Just try and get them to sleep before and I know it feels cruel, but wake them when you get there! The lights will stimulate them and not put them to sleep I'm almost certain of it!

My DD loved looking around- it was so special! Also if they have good head support and you have a carrier, you could wear the baby face out- no way they will sleep through that!

I hope you go and have a magical time!

LightSpeeds · 06/12/2023 12:53

Yes go. Even if the baby is asleep, you can still take some lovely photos and have a nice memory (although from your post OP, not sure if your partner will spoil the whole thing 🙄)!

Ponderingwindow · 06/12/2023 12:58

I love a good light show as an outing in December. Fresh air, pretty lights, a nice walk. It’s the perfect family activity. If you have the budget it’s absolutely worthwhile.

you have much bigger issues though. He needs to be paying his share of your lost income and also covering his half of child related expenses.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/12/2023 13:45

Much bigger issues if he’s not supporting you through maternity leave. Is he paying you to mind his baby?

cestlavielife · 06/12/2023 16:11

NoAprilFool · 06/12/2023 12:51

Cars aren’t essential for being a parent! My husband doesn’t drive - he did drop offs and pick ups on foot (as did I unless the weather was truly awful), fewer cars on the school/nursery run us surely a good thing?

Show quote history

Agreed, the question arose as he suggested garden centre that she has to drive to...so long as he will be involved with pick up drop off on foot is fine.

SecondUsername4me · 06/12/2023 16:20

he's not financially supporting me on maternity leave (I saved up in advance to cover earning shortfall)

This is disgusting.

coconutpie · 06/12/2023 16:25

Topjoe19 · 06/12/2023 09:20

If he's not financially supporting you through maternity leave you have bigger problems than wondering whether to go & see the lights.

This.

SecondUsername4me · 06/12/2023 16:26

Please tell me you are going back to work full time and childcare will become a bill you both share?

I know you are saying you've saved to "pay your way" but this actually means you've massively reduced your own personal spending for a significant length of time, to your own detriment, to cover the time when you are off to nurture his child, and he hasn't had to tweak any of his spending habits.

isittimetoflounceyet · 06/12/2023 16:31

I'm with your partner on the garden centre idea. Some of them have fabulous displays, and if the baby is asleep, you just wander about in the warm or go into their coffee shop until he wakes up.

Createausername1970 · 06/12/2023 16:34

Not supporting you through maternity leave?? Is he not the father?

I know I am a dinosaur from another era, and maybe the assumption that the male was the breadwinner and the female was the homemaker is very outdated. And yes women should have as much earning potential as men and shouldn't lose out because they happen to be the ones that birth the child. But I read threads like this and think we have gone too far in the other direction..

Anyhow, back to the point of the thread. Yes, take you baby and spend £18. If your scrooge of a "partner" and I use that term lightly, wants to come too then he can put his hand in his pocket and pay for himself.

Your baby may not remember individual outings, but I do believe that there will be a general feeling of knowing they were loved and cherished and they had a good mum who tried to broaden their horizons and give them different experiences.

Createausername1970 · 06/12/2023 16:38

Createausername1970 · 06/12/2023 16:34

Not supporting you through maternity leave?? Is he not the father?

I know I am a dinosaur from another era, and maybe the assumption that the male was the breadwinner and the female was the homemaker is very outdated. And yes women should have as much earning potential as men and shouldn't lose out because they happen to be the ones that birth the child. But I read threads like this and think we have gone too far in the other direction..

Anyhow, back to the point of the thread. Yes, take you baby and spend £18. If your scrooge of a "partner" and I use that term lightly, wants to come too then he can put his hand in his pocket and pay for himself.

Your baby may not remember individual outings, but I do believe that there will be a general feeling of knowing they were loved and cherished and they had a good mum who tried to broaden their horizons and give them different experiences.

OK, I have read your update - so its not as it first sounded. Ignore me.

DwightDFlysenhower · 06/12/2023 16:41

I think garden centres are good with babies, you could pick a decoration, look at all the lights, go to the café, maybe find some Christmas presents.

I'd also go to the light display if I wanted to though! Some of them are fantastic. Your DP sounds a bit miserable. It would be a nice thing to do for the two of you even if the baby was asleep.