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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this name calling? Am I being too sensitive

58 replies

Bigskies · 05/12/2023 22:31

I’d like to understand if I’m BU in being upset over this. I said something jokey to my partner and he got cross and began, in my view, mocking me and then called me neurotic (because I avoid the sun on holiday, he also called me a vampire for same reason which sounds ridiculous writing it down but felt aggressive) and some other things. He went on and on about the same points. I have apologised for my comment but it was not personal to him whereas his attack on me was and about something I’m already self-conscious about it. Do you count being called ‘neurotic’ as name calling? AIBU to be upset?

Then he declared he was ‘wanting to state that he was feeling angry’ (this doesn’t come across as threatening, more like trying to put therapy tactics into practice) which I don’t know what I’m meant to do with.

When I was unwell a few weeks ago he mimicked me being out of breath and fatigued (I had long covid badly and some symptoms came back for a few days when I got a virus) - just the once and I pulled him up on it but I was shocked. He is normally kind, gentle, mature and great at communication. So these things are so out of character but they feel belittling . Similarly when he made a rude comment about my stomach - though he was v apologetic after. I don’t profess to be perfect - I know when stressed I can snap and be stressy and he has rightly pulled me up on this and said it’s not acceptable. We’ve been together 1 year and live together.

I feel exhausted by this and work so said I needed some space this evening and had a bath and am sleeping in spare room (though I would have anyway due to his early start) he has respected this though I think is annoyed. We’re meant to be starting a family but I’m concerned by this. I don’t know if I’m being way too sensitive given he is genuinely a very nice guy (and son and friend).

Thank you

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 05/12/2023 22:33

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Seriously OP, he's giving you a glimpse of the man he really is here....if he mocks you being unwell, DO NOT get pregnant by him

Highlyflavouredgravy · 05/12/2023 22:35

Why on earth are you living with someone you've only been with for a year???

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 05/12/2023 22:38

How on earth would you know that he’s seriously a very nice guy when you’ve only known him a year? He actually doesn’t sound very nice.

LittleGreenDragons · 05/12/2023 22:39

We’ve been together 1 year and live together.

That is way too soon. Seriously. And he's not being kind at all which makes me suspect he's had his head turned and now he's feeling trapped.

I hope you have some savings.

Original poster
Bigskies · 05/12/2023 22:46

I have savings, I’m financially good. I have zero worry he’s had his head turned - he is anxious about a job move snd is stressed about that. I do appreciate it sounds terrible from the above but please imagine a good loving relationship and then these incidents coming seemingly from nowhere. If I had to write the book of our relationship, 99% would be good - I’ve set out the 1% above which in isolation sounds particularly awful. I appreciate we moved in quite quickly but we are late 30s and it made sense for various reasons. Thank you for your comments and I’m not disregarding the comments - just wanted to give context.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigskies · 05/12/2023 22:53

I probably added too many details which are causing a distraction so perhaps I can limit to my main question - do you view being called neurotic name calling and have you experienced a version of name calling in your relationship?

OP posts:
ButterBastardBeans · 05/12/2023 22:56

Would you swim in a pool that was 1% raw sewage?

Fifthtimelucky · 05/12/2023 22:56

I'd say it's not the word itself, but the tone of voice when he says it.

That will tell you whether he is gently teasing you or being unkind.

LittleGreenDragons · 05/12/2023 22:59

do you view being called neurotic name calling

SIMILAR AND OPPOSITE WORDS
From Oxford Languages
neurotic
adjective
mentally ill
mentally disturbed
mentally deranged
unstable
unbalanced
maladjusted
psychoneurotic
psychopathic phobic

What do you think OP?

(Edited for spacing).

Testina · 05/12/2023 22:59

It’s not a nice trait (or at all mature) to tit for tat call you names.
But, you not saying what you said to him makes it sound like it was “jokey” in the way that people say “it was a joke” when they want to get away with rudeness.

Was the vampire stuff (or talk or neuroticism) plucked out of nowhere, or related to your “jokey” comment?

Catsmere · 05/12/2023 23:00

Yes, that’s name-calling in my book, and anyone mocking you for keeping out of the sun and calling you a vampire can go fuck themselves.
Not to mention mimicking your being out of breath! As PP have said, these “out of nowhere” things aren’t - they’re glimpses of what he’s really like. Imagine if you did make the mistake of having a child by him - he’d be expressing disgust at the changes to your body, I bet. Definitely red flags.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2023 23:00

Bigskies · 05/12/2023 22:46

I have savings, I’m financially good. I have zero worry he’s had his head turned - he is anxious about a job move snd is stressed about that. I do appreciate it sounds terrible from the above but please imagine a good loving relationship and then these incidents coming seemingly from nowhere. If I had to write the book of our relationship, 99% would be good - I’ve set out the 1% above which in isolation sounds particularly awful. I appreciate we moved in quite quickly but we are late 30s and it made sense for various reasons. Thank you for your comments and I’m not disregarding the comments - just wanted to give context.

" We’ve been together 1 year and live together."

It does sound terrible - so I'd like to ask you to imagine that actually you may not be in a good loving relationship, and that these incidents do not come from nowhere; but are instead caused by the difficulty he's feeling in maintaining the mask for a year, and that it's starting to slip and the REAL man is becoming visible. It's not unknownSad.

" we are late 30s"
"We’re meant to be starting a family but I’m concerned by this."
I'm not trying to be unkind but I think you need to hear this bluntly. Are you driven by your age to accept this man because you so want to have a child?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 05/12/2023 23:00

I've been with my dh 31 years and he has never called me names

MercanDede · 05/12/2023 23:09

I think you are both being too hard on yourselves. You have come through a stressful time and are in one currently. As you said, you and he have both verbally snapped and gotten tetchy with each other. This isn’t a problem in the relationship, this is a problem with the stress you are both under. Yes, say when one of you has hurt the others feelings, apologise and move on. You’re both going to have thinner skins and be upset more easily.

From what you have written this isn’t regular or ongoing. It’s not a constant walking on eggshells feeling. It’s a bit of recent snappiness and extra sensitivity because this is a stressful time.

I would keep an eye on it, but I don’t think it’s as dire as some are saying.

Original poster
Bigskies · 05/12/2023 23:15

Asking about the jokey comment is fair - the exact comment may be outing but an equivalent would be something like - we are moving to a place where everyone morris dances, he says he might take up morris dancing and I jokingly say ‘nooooo, you might find we have less sex if you do’, said laughing and on the sofa cuddling. Genuinely no offence to morris dancers. He said something like I could say the same about your spf clothing (admittedly not sexy), I got sensitive, it escalated from there and he got cross for my initial comment. He has no connection to it so it wasn’t personal to him (like wearing spf clothing is to me) . I realise this all sounds a bit ridiculous written down, especially with the made up example. I clearly touched a nerve with my initial comment and have apologised for that.

OP posts:
MyCupOfTea32 · 05/12/2023 23:16

Neurotic when flung out as an insult like that has an unpleasant misogynistic undertone. I really don’t like the sound of the other stuff either. I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and although we occasionally got on each other’s nerves he would never have said or done anything as unpleasantly cruel as those you’ve described. Mocking you when you’re ill? Insulting your stomach (even with apology) or calling you names because he wanted to “state that he was feeling angry”. Sorry but 🚩 🚩🚩

Comtesse · 05/12/2023 23:17

This sounds pretty unpleasant. Going on and on, making fun of your breathing, making fun of your body. This is not normal or appropriate.

Original poster
Bigskies · 05/12/2023 23:18

Morris dancing is a terrible analogy - it came to mind as something that used to be joked about (unfairly) when I was younger on tv etc.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 05/12/2023 23:22

You’ve been seeing flashes of a deeply unpleasant person that is within him and will come out again and again when times are hard.
Run for the hills …

unsync · 05/12/2023 23:23

He doesn't sound very nice. Calling you names is a horrible thing to do. I'm not sure that you can know someone's true nature after only one year, but I suspect he's starting to show you who he really is now.

In your position, I would be having a serious rethink about the relationship and would put having a baby by this man on indefinite hold.

Supersimkin2 · 05/12/2023 23:24

Hmmm. Is mimicking people a thing in his family?

You’re overdoing the victim
schtick and he’s being rude.

Original poster
Bigskies · 05/12/2023 23:28

i do t think so but I’ll keep an eye out. I take on board the victim stick comment. I appreciate I may be being too sensitive. Thanks for commenting - and to everyone else for your thoughts.

OP posts:
MercanDede · 05/12/2023 23:31

Bigskies · 05/12/2023 23:15

Asking about the jokey comment is fair - the exact comment may be outing but an equivalent would be something like - we are moving to a place where everyone morris dances, he says he might take up morris dancing and I jokingly say ‘nooooo, you might find we have less sex if you do’, said laughing and on the sofa cuddling. Genuinely no offence to morris dancers. He said something like I could say the same about your spf clothing (admittedly not sexy), I got sensitive, it escalated from there and he got cross for my initial comment. He has no connection to it so it wasn’t personal to him (like wearing spf clothing is to me) . I realise this all sounds a bit ridiculous written down, especially with the made up example. I clearly touched a nerve with my initial comment and have apologised for that.

How do you know his expressed wish to take up a new hobby wasn’t personal to him? I think if you are going to initiate taking the piss out of your partner, saying something he’d like to do is a turn off and unsexy, then you need to be on board with a bit of the same in response? When you’re stressed about moving, perhaps this isn’t the best time to be mocking each other even as a joke?

My DH used to do jokes like yours and get upset when I joked back. Then I’d get angry too because why is it ok for him to initiate a joke but I can’t joke back? Am I supposed to just take it?

What we decided was you know what any joke that is at the expense of the other is not a joke, it’s not funny. It is banter that is damaging no matter how laughy and lighthearted you say it. So we stopped. I and my siblings can joke around, but that’s different from a partner doing it. Perhaps you two need a similar agreement if this is a case of jokes hitting too close to home.

QuietlyWonderful · 05/12/2023 23:32

Bigskies · 05/12/2023 22:53

I probably added too many details which are causing a distraction so perhaps I can limit to my main question - do you view being called neurotic name calling and have you experienced a version of name calling in your relationship?

My husband never actually called me anything like that, but if we argued about anything, he would tell me "you need to seek professional help" - i.e. implying that I was mentally unwell. The tone he used as he said this was the absolute opposite of loving.

PippyLongTits · 05/12/2023 23:39

The neurotic thing depends on the context surely?! If you were saying something "jokey"/borderline insulting to him and he responded in kind, perhaps he thought you were both just bantering/lightheartedly teasing each other. It sounds like you set the tone.

Are you particularly sensitive about all comments or just about sun/vampire comments? If you are sensitive to everything then yabu because it is exhausting treading on eggshells around someone and not knowing what might set them off. If you are just sensitive about the SPF/sun/vampire thing, then he is being unreasonable and he should know not to joke about things that so easily upset you.

The mocking when you were ill thing and comments on your stomach are both totally out of order.