Is this name calling? Am I being too sensitive

[Bigskies]

I’d like to understand if I’m BU in being upset over this. I said something jokey to my partner and he got cross and began, in my view, mocking me and then called me neurotic (because I avoid the sun on holiday, he also called me a vampire for same reason which sounds ridiculous writing it down but felt aggressive) and some other things. He went on and on about the same points. I have apologised for my comment but it was not personal to him whereas his attack on me was and about something I’m already self-conscious about it. Do you count being called ‘neurotic’ as name calling? AIBU to be upset?

Then he declared he was ‘wanting to state that he was feeling angry’ (this doesn’t come across as threatening, more like trying to put therapy tactics into practice) which I don’t know what I’m meant to do with.

When I was unwell a few weeks ago he mimicked me being out of breath and fatigued (I had long covid badly and some symptoms came back for a few days when I got a virus) - just the once and I pulled him up on it but I was shocked. He is normally kind, gentle, mature and great at communication. So these things are so out of character but they feel belittling . Similarly when he made a rude comment about my stomach - though he was v apologetic after. I don’t profess to be perfect - I know when stressed I can snap and be stressy and he has rightly pulled me up on this and said it’s not acceptable. We’ve been together 1 year and live together.

I feel exhausted by this and work so said I needed some space this evening and had a bath and am sleeping in spare room (though I would have anyway due to his early start) he has respected this though I think is annoyed. We’re meant to be starting a family but I’m concerned by this. I don’t know if I’m being way too sensitive given he is genuinely a very nice guy (and son and friend).

Thank you

I think it's all about how your relationship is in general, I've certainly had insults thrown at me and I've slung them back during an argument , when stressed or just pissed off if they've done something stupid or annoying.
Only you know the context, if it's a regular occurrence then you shouldn't tolerate it.

Thank you for this perspective, I think you are right. I am sensitive about it as I am a bit embarrassed I’m so sun cautious (I’ve become v heat intolerant since long covid too). I am confident the thing I joked about wasn’t personal to him but I also fully take on board that he took offence (he said he was angry because I had suggested he couldn’t do something, in the analogy, morris dancing, which I wasn’t seriously implying but of course he could have thought I was) - I also think the reference to sexy did hit a nerve (again unintentional) so I’m going to be very careful about not joking about that. I think the thing I found difficult was we both said something the other took offence at (these things happen) but then it became him going on at me later and going on the attack. Lots of food for thought.

^all of this.

Would you really want to inflict this kind of behaviour on an innocent and impressionable child? Because I can guarantee he will be equally vile to a child when they’ve pissed him off too.

No relationship is perfect 🙄

It hurt your feelings - so tell him op. No one can tell you whether you’re being over sensitive because the situation hasn’t really been explained clearly.. we don’t know what you said.

Agree with everyone that you shouldn’t have moved in together.

Fucking hell OP he’s not a nice person. The supposed 99% niceness he displays will drain down pretty quickly over time and you’ll be treated to shitty name calling and undermining bullshit every day.

End the relationship. I’m sorry because it’s not what you want to hear.

I think maybe you did move in together too quickly and are still finding out about each other's triggers etc.

I wrote out a big long reply responding to all of your comments then lost it, and can’t remember it all now, so this is a bit more basic and possibly a bit blunter than intended!

• Would you call your best friend neurotic about something that was important to her? If not, why not?

• Would you make a spiteful comment about your partner’s physical appearance? If not, why not?

• He is not kind. He is not gentle. He is not mature. He is not great at communicating. People who are those things don’t call their loved ones names or make spiteful comments about their physical appearance.

• If he’s like this when he’s just stressing about a job move, then what’s it going to be like when you’ve got a baby stressing him out? Or money worries? Or health worries? Or all of those things at once?

• Are you aware that by saying you’ve probably added too many details and distracted from the issue, you sound like you’re trying to justify his behaviour and take the blame for making it seem worse than it is?

I think your inner voice is currently niggling away at the back of your brain and you’re doing your very best to ignore it.

Also, the ‘therapy sounding’ phrasing about him stating that he feels angry - has he had anger management therapy previously? Have you done a Claire’s law request for this man?

I think it's the imbalance.
You made a quick comment which was intended to be taken as a joke.
He makes a huffy comment back.
Tit for tat
But then he mocks you, calls you a vampire and makes personal comments about things you are very sensitive about and then "went on and on about the same points" and that does seem like a disproportionate reaction from him and not a very nice one.

Also you apologised as soon as you saw he'd taken offence.
Where's his apology?
Instead, he comes back and announces that he's very angry.

Therefore I don't think you are being over-sensitive.

This is not ok. Calling you neurotic, deflecting because he's taken your joke as an offence or in the wrong context. Your questioning yourself yet he is sensitive if you can't joke without being name called....Mocking your illness your body . No this is not acceptable at all. You say he's normally really kind but it sounds like the vampire thing happened on holiday when was that? Think back to previous comments etc. No loving partner would make such comments and in fact he's sounds a bit narcissistic/ controlling because he's loved you up now knocking or trying to knock your confidence. Who's idea was it to start a family? Was it his? Sorry OP but I don't think you should even consider it. This man needs the bin

completely agree with you 💯 OP please really think about all of the points Nagado makes here.

It's a slippery slope to take the piss out of your partner in that way, they should be your safe space, and it's not really up to you what was 'personal' to him, he obviously took your first comment personally, he sounds self conscious about whatever it was you inferred with your comment to take it so badly, so you should have paid attention to that fact and not just immediately dismissed his feelings as irrelevant.

I think the him 'stating he was angry line' is quite telling, he's told you immediately that he didn't like what you said, and compared it to if he said 'this' to you, to which, instead of understanding the analogy and realising at that point that whatever it was has actually upset him, as his comment would no doubt upset you, you've doubled down and tried to justify why you're allowed to say hurtful things, but he isn't allowed to, you're also saying he's not allowed to get angry at you about it because yours was 'just a joke'... but he IS allowed to feel however he feels, it's not up to you to tell him how to feel, it's complete double standards and I think that's the point he's trying to prove, you're just not listening, no wonder it escalated into an argument.

A joke is only a joke if both people are in on it. If I thought I'd hurt my partners feelings, with a 'joke', then I'd back down straight away, as he has done with you previously when you've said he's upset you.

It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship to be fair, you're taking out your stress on him by being snappy and stressy with him for seemingly no reason, which he has to pull you up on, and making jokes about him and he's making snide comment at your expense, which you have to pull him up on, you don't sound like you're making each other happy at all, I'd question at a year in if you've got a future together.

It’s that horrible thing, where women are labelled as neurotic and mad for having genuine fears or issues / opinions about something, you have only been with him a year. One year is definitely not enough to know a person properly as in the first year you have the honeymoon period -getting to know each other and then that settles down but people don’t usually show their true colours that soon - during the year two and three people start to show real colours . He is showing you Glimpses into your future - by year two and three when you he will definitely be name calling you and making you feel crap about yourself . After just one year I would not expect a partner to make a nasty comment about my appearance and I’m not sure why you have defended this by saying he has a lot on
I would reconsider with this man if I were you
I will definitely not have a family with him either - even if he was perfect one year is too soon
I have been with my partner for three years and he has never ever called me a name , shamed me or implied I was neurotic mad or something wrong with me.

You can eyeroll at this all you like but the OP is having prior warning of how this man is prepared to put her down and it always starts out in a low key way and with a variety of excuses. This trait and his excuses for it, will worsen once he is married and you have kids.

1% raw sewage can kill you.

This isn't evidence of a not perfect relationship, it's him trying to be dominant and an asshole.
I've been married 22 years and my DH would never even consider calling me neurotic or any other cod psycho/misogynist term designed to unbalance and upset me.
OP , your gut is telling you his mask is slipping and honestly, the best thing to do is to see this as the end. If you are considering staying with him, you need to experience genuine troubles before you get married. It's under pressure that these types reveal themselves. Please don't ignore red flags. I have done that in the past as have a massive number of MNetters no doubt. Not one of us is glad we ignored red flags or our gut feeling - ever.

I use the yardstick of if they wouldn't speak to another man like it, they are not getting away with it with me.

I need to stare I'm feeling angry. Major ick

How long have you lived together for?

Thank you for taking the time to comment. Some very valid points. I acknowledge I hit a nerve clearly. What I found difficult was that we both made these comments which offended the other, I then said I was exhausted so would have a bath (I didn’t storm off, ignore him or anything, I just said I needed some time out as I’d had a crazy work day). He then followed me a few mins later to the bathroom and then kept going on and on at me. I wasn’t saying much as I was exhausted and was hurt (it was late) and it was after he’d walked away he called out from next room he was angry. It wasn’t threatening - it felt more like telling me so it became my responsibility.

I agree with everyone who says warned on pausing thinking about a family. Unfortunately I think we moved too fast down to circumstances (I was between properties, age etc) and have taken on too much (a big move). If I could go back to start I would not have done either so soon.

I’ll chat with him tonight and see where we get to.

I have Long Covid and my ex used to gaslight me about it. It's very serious, my nerves were damaged so my stomach doesn't really work, I lost a lot of weight when I was already slender, I get fatigued easily, trouble breathing, horrible pain, etc. He would constantly accuse me of having an eating disorder, when I used my inhaler he said I didn't need it, he would constantly say there's nothing wrong with you, etc etc. It actually made me feel horrible and took me a long time after breaking up with him to be okay again. I would tell him off for mansplaining my body to me, but his words still affected me deeply. Being accused of being neurotic is worse than just a name call. You'll see what I mean when/if you leave him. It will be hard to shake that feeling of being gaslit, even though you didn't fall for it. Men like that are insecure and try to minimize people to make themselves feel bigger. It's a damaging situation to be in and I hope you find your way out.

I think it's different to make an off the cuff comment within a conversation about a topic (like morris dancing) and to drag up something unrelated the person is sensitive about. The latter, that he did, is like bearing a grudge or storing up things that hurt you. It's a bad sign. I also suspect he's someone who can dish it out but not take it. Your comment was meant to make him laugh or smile, his was only intended to hurt.

I also have long Covid, how long have you had it, is it most of this relationship? I'd be careful you aren't feeling grateful or lowering your standards because you feel a bit shit.

No I don’t get sensitive about all comments - he says other things about me regularly (that I’m always in a rush so am clumsy, that I’m ‘particular’, that I’m stressy) which I don’t get sensitive about (albeit sometimes annoyed if he says it a lot!). Though if I’m honest. I don’t love being told I’m stressy/particular but I let it go as I accept I can be. The sun thing is only recently in last 2 years - in this time sibling had melanoma (they are fine, but runs in family) and I can’t tolerate heat since being ill. The two things seem to have triggered anxiety around it, as well as hating having freckles and not wanting more!

My experience is when people say things like this they stay with you and chip away at your confidence. You’ll remember every word he said in this argument - in a week he’ll have forgotten what you said. People saying hurtful things in arguments is a major problem for relationships.

That is how it feels - things get stored up and brought out if we have a disagreement. I try to keep arguments to the one thing at hand. I had long covid very badly for 18m (bed-ridden for lots of it, off work for 8m). I was mostly back to normal when we met aside from getting some symptoms again if I overdo it, do cardio (fine with weights), or get a virus. I didn’t find him sympathetic when I got a virus and it triggered it - he was asking why I wasn’t 100% again after a week as he was and said this wasn’t normal. He said he was worried about what happens if I get long covid again especially if we have a family - that is a valid concern but it felt unsupportive to say it when I was in bed feeling crap. I was calm and said I wasn’t concerned about that, lots of people take more than a week to get over a virus etc.

im sorry that you and @flowerchild2000 have had LC too. It was a very bleak time at points. Looking back, I can’t believe how ill I was.

He's got a nasty streak that he's good at hiding most of the time.

Given how you’ve described yourself in the sun and your anxieties around health in relation to the sun have you considered the possibility that in that one area you could be seen as neurotic? If the answer is yes and he wasn’t calling you neurotic in general, which it doesn’t sound he like was, then I wouldn’t view this as abusive name calling, more of a bluntly outlined observation.
Taking the mick out of your presentation when ill is a worry though, as it shows a complete lack of care for your welfare.

OP seriously, you have to reconsider this.

My DH has had cancer three times now and is being investigated for it again. I have nursed him through all of it and am hoping to learn to do home dialysis with him as it would benefit him so much

I had botched surgery and was in bed for almost five years. DH has cared for me in his turn. I am about to have further surgery to try and put it all right.

Luckily we have not both been ill at the same time but I think that is about to happen.

Can you imagine if either of us had the attitude that your 'D'P has? He sees you as a commodity from your latest posts.

The marriage vows are there for your protection. So you have help if you are ill and all the rest of it too. He does not have your back. He does NOT have your back and the mimicking? - Christ preserve us! It's the worst sort of mockery.

You deserve so much better than this person who has vital parts missing.

If it were just the sun comment, I would think he was being tactless, but it wouldn't raise too much if a red flag in the circumstances. But coupled with everything else this isn't tactlessness, but cruel. You don't need that in your life.

As this thread is going on, it's becoming increasingly obvious that you do have significant anxiety issues over sunlight. Given this is an argument you've been having in darkest darkest December, am I right in thinking your reluctance to go out in the sun/wearing spf clothing is a year round thing, rather than just a hot summer day thing? Not going out in the midday sun and wearing a hat when its 35 degrees = sensible. Taking the same sort of approach on a drizzly autumn day would indicate mental health issues regarding sun.

That doesn't excuse calling you neurotic though, it's not goirather