Is this name calling? Am I being too sensitive

[Bigskies]

I’d like to understand if I’m BU in being upset over this. I said something jokey to my partner and he got cross and began, in my view, mocking me and then called me neurotic (because I avoid the sun on holiday, he also called me a vampire for same reason which sounds ridiculous writing it down but felt aggressive) and some other things. He went on and on about the same points. I have apologised for my comment but it was not personal to him whereas his attack on me was and about something I’m already self-conscious about it. Do you count being called ‘neurotic’ as name calling? AIBU to be upset?

Then he declared he was ‘wanting to state that he was feeling angry’ (this doesn’t come across as threatening, more like trying to put therapy tactics into practice) which I don’t know what I’m meant to do with.

When I was unwell a few weeks ago he mimicked me being out of breath and fatigued (I had long covid badly and some symptoms came back for a few days when I got a virus) - just the once and I pulled him up on it but I was shocked. He is normally kind, gentle, mature and great at communication. So these things are so out of character but they feel belittling . Similarly when he made a rude comment about my stomach - though he was v apologetic after. I don’t profess to be perfect - I know when stressed I can snap and be stressy and he has rightly pulled me up on this and said it’s not acceptable. We’ve been together 1 year and live together.

I feel exhausted by this and work so said I needed some space this evening and had a bath and am sleeping in spare room (though I would have anyway due to his early start) he has respected this though I think is annoyed. We’re meant to be starting a family but I’m concerned by this. I don’t know if I’m being way too sensitive given he is genuinely a very nice guy (and son and friend).

Thank you

No not at all 😆! I’ve totally given wrong impression in that case. This was about how I was on a hot holiday in a country we will spend a lot more time in in the future due to his work. The reason it came up is because we will be there for long periods in the future. I don’t act differently to anyone else in UK or abroad if it’s not that hot. I still go in the sea, go on hikes, walk around cities - I just don’t want to be in the midday sun IF very very hot and I can feel unwell since being ill if it gets very hot etc (if low/mid twenties no problem) . I think someone else wouldn’t even say their behaviour was odd, just being sensible. I am quick to judge myself so am probably being a lot more critical and calling myself anxious too much. I wouldn’t choose normally to live in a very hot country.

That sounds totally normal!

I was imagining a giant hat, spf clothing and only going out in the dark in November, not perfectly normal behaviour in a hot country.

I think we become more able and willing to look after and care for a partner with an illness when we have had a good long stretch of wellness, happiness and good times together. Our tank is full so we move quickly into the caring part quite willingly. But he is in a new relationship and maybe has taken on more than he had reckoned for as signs of your long Covid re-emerge. There is definitely a situation here of moving too quickly and then becoming unaccepting of difficulties. So he has a new gf, all is great and then suddenly he sees a different side of you when ye holiday together and then a different side when you are ill. He doesn't know you well enough to be living with you and he may feel now he has taken on too much.
As long Covid is horrendous and has a big impact you might benefit from some therapy and l think you would both benefit from slowing things down.

You know you moved in far too quickly with someone you didn't know.

You are getting to know him.
His mask is slipping and he isn't very nice.

This is the point that you will look back and regret not paying attention to red flags.

Calling someone names is not normal.
Many people have normal relationships for years, in my case 35 and we haven't ever name called.

He followed you and went on and on. Awful behaviour.

You would want to be out of your mind to rush into having a child with someone you clearly don't know and has shown you he has a nasty streak.

LC is a dose and so debilitating.

I have friends suffering from it whose taste and smell hasn't returned and for whom energy levels haven't returned and suffer with persistent brain fog.

They get on with life but it is very very hard.

You have made a mistake with your haste, do not repent at leisure.

I think you should be looking for your own home.

Ignore this, he was clearly looking for a fight / to insult you. Do you really want to be with a man who can’t take a lighthearted joke about Morris Dancing for dog’s sake? I’ve been with DH for over 20 years and he has NEVER made a negative joke about my personal appearance.

But your partner reminds me of an insecure, needy ex-boyfriend from my teens. We were watching a film and I said something innocuous about how the lead guy’s haircut would suit him. He immediately snapped and said ‘why don’t you get a boob reduction as the lead actress’s boobs would suit you’. This was not the first or last time.

Imagine how much worse he will be after you bring a baby home who has colic and neither of you sleep more than 2hr stretches, you have stitches in places you didn't know you had and are leaking fluids from nearly every orifice and are uncomfortable or in pain for weeks whilst you recover from birth.
Is he going to mock you waddling and gingerly sitting down?

You've made a mistake, this man is not the one.

Dear God, don't go off and live with this man overseas! You'd be totally isolated from everyone you know and unable to get help - and you would end up needing help to escape him. The more you describe him, the worse he sounds. He's not remotely good and kind. He's a piece of shit whose mask is slipping off.

Do. Not. Get. Pregnant. By. This. Man.

Get. Away. From. Him.

He’s said all these horrible things to you and you’ve only been together one year? Christ. He’s mocked you for being ill, been cruel about your stomach (what the fuck would he say if you were pregnant?!) and has attacked parts of your personality.

You’d be mad to tie yourself to him forever by way of a child. Don’t subject a kid to a dad who will mock them when they’re down.